dancingbeatle / Member

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Last Hooray of '09

Wow, I can't believe that this year and this decade are almost over. Feels like it was just spring of this year. Many rememberable things have happened this year and in this decade, but this is a blog about jokes not reality or tragedies.

 

What The Job Ad Says; What It Means, Part II

Outstanding benefits package

-Health insurance

Tons of variety

-We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job

Top notch communication skills

-Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive locale

-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet

Secretary

-Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary

-The most powerful position in any company

Dedicated

-You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement

Salary commensurate

-We'll pay you whatever the we feel like

Salary negotiable

-We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary

-We'll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job!

Competitive starting salary

-Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere

-A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere

-Zombie pod people

Self-starter

-Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means.

2.

Lost Wife

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "You know I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" asked the woman

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

3. Procrastinator's Creed

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

4. Young Ones in Love?

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . . perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

5.Parole Board

The Bureau of prisons just announced the release of a serial bank robber who had looted over 30 banks before his capture.

The parole board says he is completely rehabilitated and has found employment at his home in Prague.

Yes, that is correct...

They were able to right a bad czech.

Well that wraps up this blog, and this year. To anyone who reads this I wish you a safe and happy 2010.