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Mother Goose and the Weary World

The story section of my blogs is back.

Mother goose

Once upon a time there lived a dwarf named Ernest. He was usually a happy fellow, but today he was sitting in his cottage looking out at the world. He sighed deeply. The trees were bare, and the sky was the color of ash. The river was even grayer than the sky. All the world's creatures were huddled in their homes, gloomy and bored. Oh, the world was a miserable place! Ernest shivered and turned to the hearth and tossed another log on the fire. Up flew sparks, and Ernest smiled in sympathy at the sight of Purr, his half-blind cat, creeping closer to the fire. He petted his shaggy dog, Elmer. "What shall we do with all this gray and cold, my little friends?" Ernest asked. "What can we do to brighten the world?"Ernest always seemed to be taking care of someone, especially the old and the ill, and now he wanted more than anything to make the world happy, to bring back the sun and the glow of the world, to feel the energy of the earth, but everything felt still and barren. Purr curled herself into a ball, sad to see Ernest so disheartened, and Elmer wagged his tail, hoping this might cheer the dwarf, but it did not. Just then, two angels, Evelyn and Eleanor, flew over the cottage, and they swooped low and peered into their favorite dwarf's window. Ernest opened the window to greet them. "Hello, Evelyn and Eleanor, hello ..." "What's wrong?" Evelyn asked. "You look so sad." "And you're never sad," Eleanor said. "Never," Evelyn agreed. "Something's wrong with the world," Ernest said. "There's been no sun for months, and everything is oh-so-gray and bare. The world seems miserable." The angels shook their heads, the

cottageTwo angels

golden curls on their heads dancing, but their rosy faces, always so light and beautiful, had turned a little bit ashen, and they sighed, too. "The world can't sleep," Eleanor said, "so it's feeling out of sorts." "The world is just plain weary," Evelyn concluded. At that moment they all heard a crack in the sky, and then came a rolling roar from somewhere in the distance, and the trees began to shake, and Ernest's little cottage rocked. Smoke swept out of the hearth into the room. Purr coughed, and Elmer sneezed, and Ernest gasped, but then, just as suddenly, the shaking and roaring stopped, and everything was still again. "What was that?" Ernest asked the angels. "That was a yawn," Evelyn said. "The world is yawning." Ernest's misery deepened. He desperately wanted to do something to help the world, but he did not know how. He was, after all, very small, and the world was quite large. "What can I do?" he asked Evelyn and Eleanor. "If you want to help the world," the angels said, "you must walk to the land of dead leaves and then on to the world of frozen sunbeams. There you'll find a woman known as Mother Goose. Ask her if she would be kind enough to put the world to bed. If you can find her, she will be able to help." The prospect of doing something cheered Ernest a little, and so he dressed in his warm clothing and set off for the land of dead leaves. He walked for a long time. Suddenly he heard the crackling of leaves beneath his feet, and he realized he had arrived. He was exhausted, but he said aloud, "I will not stop," and on he walked, chanting as he walked, determined to reach the land of the frozen sunbeams. Oh, he

Dead leaves

was tired, nearly as tired as the world itself. Finally he reached a place where everything was dazzling and gleaming, glistening and shimmering. Beneath his feet the ground felt cold and hard. "This must be the place," he said, and he heard the sound of honking and flapping wings above him as a flock of geese flew overhead. "Hellooo ... please, where's your Mother Goose?" But the geese just flew past, and the poor dwarf began to weep. "I'm lost," he said aloud. "It's no use. I'll never find her." "You're not lost," a voice said, and when Ernest looked up he was staring at the kindly face of an old woman, with rosy cheeks and dimples, and the brightest eyes he'd ever seen. And she was sitting on the back of an enormous goose - a goose such as no one in this world has ever seen. "Mother Goose!" Ernest said, for he knew this must be she. "Won't you please help put the world to sleep? The poor world is exhausted, but it can't seem to sleep." "Of course I'll help," Mother Goose said, and she began to pluck feathers from the back of her huge goose. These she began to toss and scatter about her, and Ernest was lost in a sea of flying white feathers. "There you go!" Mother Goose cried. "There you are, kind dwarf." The way was difficult, but Ernest traveled back home, and when at long last he reached the river and his little cottage, he saw that the world was no longer gray. Instead, it was covered in a thick, white blanket, and Ernest smiled with happiness. "Purr," he told his cat, "now we can sleep, and so can the world. After a while Mother Goose will lift her blanket, and the world will be rested and fresh." And so it was that Ernest and Elmer and Purr closed their eyes, and like everyone else, they slept contentedly, dreaming of the spring to come.


More shameless plugging: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fE33Z9yzms

That's all for now. Until I level up again in tv.com

Popping Some Mushrooms

Too much time has passed since my last blog, 2 1/2 months. Why the wait? Because I was waiting to level up on tv.com. I'm a Sleeslack from the Land of the Lost. I need a main topic of course and well it's in the title, so enjoy the blog if you want.

Mushrooms are easy to overlook in the so-called rainbow colours we are advised to eat to get a full range of nutritional benefits from fruit and vegetables. But research increasingly reveals why they are now qualified to join the ranks of so-called superfoods such as broccoli and blueberries. Numerous studies reveal that mushrooms may help reduce the risk of heart disease and cancer. 'Mushrooms may seem plain, but they really are a superfood,' says dietician Dr Sarah Schenker. 'They contain virtually no fat, sugar or salt and are a valuable source of dietary fibre as well as the five B vitamins thiamine (B1), riboflavin (B2), niacin (B3), pyridoxine (B6) and folate. 'They also contain the essential minerals potassium, copper, phosphorous and iron. 'Most significant among their mineral content is selenium, which you don't find in many fruit and vegetables.' With more than 90 per cent water content, adding mushrooms to dishes such as stews can make us feel fuller without boosting calorie content. More than 2,500 different varieties grow in the wild, but until now most research has focused on the exotic types. Active antiviral compound lentinan, present in the shi take has been found to boost the immune system. The shitake may also help lower blood cholesterol and reduce the harmful effects of saturated fat. The maitake is a rich source of beta-glucans, which have potentially anti-tumour effects. Even in small amounts, the tree ear - or wood ear - mushroom, can thin the blood, helping prevent heart disease and stroke. The humble white button mushroom could also carry significant health benefits. Researchers at Pennsylvania State University found that just a handful has about 12 times more of the powerful antioxidant, L-Ergothioneine than wheatgerm and four times more than chicken liver, previously thought to be the best sources. L-Ergothioneine works on cell-damaging substances known as free radicals and protects the body's DNA from damage. As a result of this research, the university advocated that white mushrooms be elevated to 'superfood' status. Meanwhile, Hanyang University in South Korea found mushrooms may lower the risk of breast cancer. Dr Schenker says most of us don't realise that mushrooms count as one of our five-a-day fruit and vegetables: an 80g serving provides one portion.



an unrelated link, but I was bored so, yeah alright.

Sakurabito: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9SR5oV5qX4

That's what I sound like singing. :lol:

Sweet Emotion

1. Put Your iTunes (or other music player) on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Tag at least 10 friends.
6. Anyone tagged has to do the same, because fun pointlessness spreads like a virus.

Now then

1. If someone says, "Is this okay?" You say- Home- Chris Daughtry. (I guess that's like me saying no then?)

2. How would you describe yourself?-Spit of Love- Bonnie Raitt

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?-Spanish bombs- The Clash (No, I'm not big on fighting with people)

4. How do you feel today?-The way you make me feel- Michael Jackson(depends on who this you is :lol:

5. What is your life's purpose? Do this anymore- Nickelback

6. What is your motto?-I believe you- The Carpenters (that's a very nice and trusting motto, but I don't go around calling people "baby"

7. What do your friends think of you?- Out of exile- Audioslave (What not having any bad emotions on things?)

8. What do you think of your parents? Love sneaking up on you- Bonnie Raitt (Not even this is a song about a dating relationship, not one with relatives)

9. What do you think about very often? Crossing the line- Default (What bad relations?)

10. What is 2 + 2? Mama's don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys- Waylon Jennings

11. What do you think of your best friend? The new pollution- Beck (I'm not sure if this is a compliement or an insult)

12. What do you think of the person you like? Pressure- Paramore (Pressured to do certain things and act a certain way? Totally, I'd rather be alone if that's the case.)

13. What is your life story? You'll be gone- Elvis (My life is not going to be a love/lost story)

14. What do you want to be when you grow up? How was I to know- Reba McEntire

15. What do you think of when you see the person you like? I feel the eath move- Carole King (That's a physical reaction isn't it? :P )

16. What will you dance to at your wedding? Long day- Matchbox20

17. What will they play at your funeral? Girl right next to me- Goo goo dolls (Is that saying I'm the girl? hmm)

18. What is your hobby/interest? Rock 'n' roll highschool- The Ramones- (I'm done with highschool, though my looks would say otherwise)

19. What is your biggest fear? Cherry lips- Garbage

20. What is your biggest secret? Weight of the world- Evanescence (not even)

21. What do you think of your friends? The happening- The supremes (maybe I don't know.)

22. What will you put as the title? Sweet Emotion- Aerosmith

my people:


Oyashiro 1000









I'm Bewitching

About time right? Well I didn't leave I was just trying to level up to 40, on tv.com not GS. Do I ride a broom? You tell me, no dirty jokes here, people.

1. School-

I can not believe that it has been 3 yrs since I graduated high school, so I need to get back to school still trying to enroll I just need someone to get me down there to pay for the flipping thing.

2. Jokes:

1. Slow, Really Slow...

A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section. Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. "Where are the tortoises?" he asked. "I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!"

2. Defining Characteristics ...of Slow People

1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each other. 2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane. 3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rear view mirrors, either. 4. Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get around them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed. 5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.

3. Work Sayings...For those sarcastic moments...

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done. I plead contemporary insanity. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Meandering to a different drummer.

4. Lesson in Life

Mr. Turtle was walking down the road when he spotted a eagle at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow." Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Turtle." Mr. Turtle shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Turtle - Absolutely nothin' and loving it." Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Turtle, so he shouted back up, "Do you think I could do that too?" Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I don't see why not!" So, Mr. Turtle lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing. In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him. The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up.

3. What I have learned from Vitamin Water Part (2)

Connect (Caffeine + 8 Key Nutrients) Black cherry-lime + Other Natural flavors

"We caught you, no use denying it, your fingerprints are all over this bottle" After connecting on Facebook, you voted on the flavor & designed the label it was great having you do all the work! And since you've been so busy pretending not to notice friend requests for about 3 days, posting pics of events (that you're still at), and clicking through pphotos of "friends" you barely know (ever get nervous they can tell?), better crack open this bottle. It's got 8 key nutrients from vitamin a to zinc plus caffeine to gice you some extra energy...because based on last night's pics, it looks like you've got some serious untagging to do."

Focus (Kiwi-strawberry + Other Natural flavors)

"A rceent sudty funod taht it deosn't meattr waht odrer the ltteers of a wrod are in, the olny ipmratnt tihng is taht the fsirt and lsat ltteers are in the crrocet piotiosn. Untaefortuntely tath's not the case for evtheirnyg in lfie. Smoetmies the in btween stutf mtaters. (Imganie if you olny put on yuor hat and sheos bfeore ginog out). Tath's why we mdae this produoct. It's got vtiainm an imrpotnant nutnirt for yuor eeye as tehy focus on evryethnig (the mdidle sutff iclnuded). So tkae a sip. No ralely, tkae a sip We're waaaaaatnig...there, now you have a bit of focus."

Multi-V (Lemonade + Other Natural flavors)

"Who doesn't like singing in the car? And we mean reeeeeally singing. You hear certin songs and bam! "car-aoke!" You're belting out the chorus (and butching the stuff in-between), banging on the drums (steering wheel), and maybe you've got a little shoulder dip going...do your thing, and just like how you're multi-tasking during your "performance," this bottle is multi-tasking every sip by giving you 8 key nutrients from vitamin a to zinc. All these nutrients will help you get where you're going...just please refrain from pumping your brakes to the beat."

Spark (Vitamin E + Choline) Grape-blueberry + Other Natural flavors

"Well, well, well...look who's got the clever coconut. Now we're not saying this was too hard to figure out, and we're not saying that if you drink this you won't respond to "what's up" with "good thanks." or that you won't find yourself wandering around a parking lot thinking "this time it really is stolen." So even though this bottle won't make you smarter (blame your parents), it does include vitamins b12, c & e and choline (that's "choline," not the pool stuff), nutrients that can help support your noggin. Not that you really need it though...it's not like you forgot to put the cap back on before reading this" (note: the message on the bottle was upside down.)

4. Online link to comic


That's about everything: song for the blog:


If it makes you smile

*Does a half hand wave* Hi people, *sees less than 7 people*...okay don't ask me about my title, I don't like them that much, but maybe some of you do, ehh moving on what is this you ask? Gee I don't know you're laundry, old food, that missing schoolwork you couldn't find. No! This is not one of those this is my blog, obviously :roll: now with added fruity and flower scents. :P what type of blog, a joke blog okay read and enjoy or not doesn't matter either way to me.

1. Pulled Over

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked. "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."


2. The Will

A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will. At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."

Hobbes the lawyer

3. Exercise Techniques

Physical exercise is good for you. We know that we should do it daily, but our bodies don't want us to do too much, so here's a program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing your pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing your weight around

07) Dragging your heels

08. Pushing your luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting your own horn

18. Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out all the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting your foot in your mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! That's a workout! Now sit down and

26) Exercise caution.


4. Complicated Operation

A lawyer awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he asked. "Is it night?" A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."


Well the way I see things if I can get just one person to chuckle at these without having to show myself in person or move my body in anyway then I've done my job, later members.

Control your sugar level

Okay some time has passed since my last blog, not that it matters much to me. As I was saying here's another blog relating to the topic, read on if you want. Note: I am not a doctor nor am I going to school to become one.

1. Pick slow-to-digest fruit over juice:

Apples, grapfruit, pears, bananas. Eating a piece of fruit at every meal will satisfy your sweet tooth and cut diabetes risk 31%, thanks to fruit's generous doese of soluble fiber and other unsulin controlling compounds. In some cases, it can evens switch a person from pre-diabetic to perfectly helathly! Health-booster: Snack on whole fruits instead of having juice. Recent studies suggest that siping even one glass of juice daily ups your diabetes risk by 18%

Fruit bonquet

2. Slash stress by sleeping more:

Regularly sleeping less than 6 1/2 hours nightly can make your levels of the stress hormone cortisol skyrocket, which in turn can raise your diabetes risk by 34%, according to a recent study. The problem: Cortisl sabotages your body's ability to use insulin to control your blood-sugar levels, says University of Chicago researchers. Health-booster: Start snoozing more tonight, and the blood-sugar levels linked to diabetes could be back to normal in just 3 days.

Sleeping tiger

3. Control sugar levels by being social:

If possible, have dinner with someone whose company you enjoy. Smiling and laughing while you eat cuts cortisol levels and improves insulin sensitivity, helping to stabilize blood-sugar levels in just 20 minutes, research suggests. Prefer calmer meals? Go right ahead, just turn on anupbeat Tv show after dinner. Health-booster: Fit in at least 20 minutes of fun and laughter drung or right after meals three times weekly, and you could cut your sugar-disrupting cortisol levels by 25%


4. Stop sugar spikes by eating protein:

This trick cuts blood-sugar spikes in half, researchers say. "And that's the key to precenting-and reversing-insulin resistance, which prevents cells from using sugar as fuel," note David L. Katz, M.D., director of the Prevention Research Center at Yale University School of Medicine. Health-booster: Pick high-quality protein, such as lean meat, poultry, eggs, fish, seafood, nuts or protein powder. Aim to pair each 1-cup seving of carbs with 2 oz. of protein.

lean meat

5. Steady your blood sugar with fat:

Folks who consume healthy plant fats-such as olive oil, a handful of nuts, slices of avocado or coconut- are 31% less likely to develop diabetes down the road, Harvard research shows. "These fats stabilize blood sugar by slowing the absorption of carbs, and by quickly taming appetite so that you don't overeat sugar-disrupting sweets and starchy foods," says Dr. Katz, author of The Flavor Point Diet. Health-booster: Fit in 1 oz. 2 oz. of vegetable oil, peanut butter, nuts, seeds, olives, avocados, coconut or roasted soy nuts daily.

Olive oil

Okay so there you have it, another health blog how redundant of me right? Well thanks for reading if you did read any of this that is, later.

A to do article/blog

From an article in a woman's magazine, not mine, really but I do read them sometimes anyway here is the blog.

1. To solve problems better: Surf the web!

When you search the Internet, you wade though a lot of information at once and filter out what you don't need-and new research from UCLA has found this actually exercises your brain, so you wind up smarter! Researchers compared brain scans of folks who either searched the Web or read a book-turns out, using the Interent fires up twice as many brain cells, engages more neural connections and even activates more lobes in the brain, including the ones for decision making and complex reasoning.


brain scan

2. To think faster: Play video games!

Playing video games improves your "fluid intelligence,: which is the ability to sort out patterns and process new information. Because of the quick decision-making that's needed to do well at a ame, your brain becomes able to analyze information at a quicker pace. In a study, folks who regularly played video games processed information faster and counted objects 13% more accurately than nongamers. "In a video game, you have to think strategically," "ANd that makes you smarter"

Videogame characters

3. To boost empathy: Watch Gossip Shows!

Can hearing the latest scoop on Brad and Angelina make you smarter? Yes! Studies find that reading or watching the latest celebrity gossip imrpoves empathy, emotional intelligence and social skills. Because the brain doesn't distinguish between real-life relationships and those we read or hear about, we get the same mood boost from both! And thinking about celebrities boost self-esteem: A study of 348 people found their self-confidence and mood dramatically imrpoved after they wrote about thier favorite stars!

US weekly

4. To get more done: Play computer Solitare!

Playing games like Solitaire, Hearts or Free Cell at work isn't a time-waster-in fact research shows it makes you more effective at your job!

Free Cell

More things to shake a stick at

Okay this blog doesn't really have much of a solid theme so here they are jokes.

1. Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE. " Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away, and a diploma from a Third World country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then

2. Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part I

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.

5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the U.S. ,but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address.

7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.

9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

11. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

12. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

13. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

14. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

3. Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part II

15. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College roommate used to play.

16. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

17. You checked your blow-dryer to see if it was Y2K compliant.

18. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

19. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

20. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

21. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

22. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

23. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

24. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

25. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

26. You're reading this.

27. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.


4. Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

I'm pulling your leg

1. The Lawn Mower

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks." The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the cast will be off!!!

Lawn Mower

2. Banking

A young college girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried. "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

3. Rabbi Visit

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"


4. Just visited the dentist

Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine." "You should have used the drive-through," she said. "Why?" "Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.

The dentist

Well that is all I have for now, until next blog.

PELE AND THE CALABASH OF POI (a Hawaiian folktale)

PELE AND THE CALABASH OF POI (a Hawaiian folktale)


People say the goddess of the volcano known as Pele was born in Tahiti, one of six daughters. But Pele's father, the powerful god of heaven and earth, grew tired of her explosive temper, and so at long last he gave her a canoe and exiled her from his land. Led by her eldest brother, Kamohoali'i, king of the sharks, Pele made her way to Hawaii. When she reached the islands, Pele used her pa'oa, a long, sharp stick, to strike deep into each place she landed, creating great pits of fire wherever she went. Pele's oldest sister killed her in a great battle, but when Pele died, she transformed into a goddess and settled on the island of Hawaii, where she lives to this day, inhabiting the crater at the summit of the Kilauea volcano. When Kilauea erupts, people say it is Pele's temper bursting forth, and they speak of the face of the goddess that appears amidst the volcanic eruptions. People also tell tales of seeing her wandering out in the world, sometimes disguised as a frail old woman, other times as a beautiful young girl, often leading a tiny white dog. People see her on long, empty roads in Kilauea National Park, but usually when they turn to look again, she has mysteriously vanished. And so it was that one day, disguised as a hag and leaning on a gnarled cane, Pele walked down the mountain toward a village to wander among the people. She came to a large home thatched with ti-leaves, a sign of the family's high rank. The windows of the house opened out onto a lovely garden of taro, coconut palms and bananas. The setting was beautiful, and so Pele peered inside. She saw a family of well-dressed people sitting around a table, clearly enjoying a feast."Aloha," she called, and the man of the family turned, startled to see a stranger at his door.

"Aloha," he said, but he did not sound happy. "Can I help you?" Pele nodded. "I have walked a long way," she said, exhaustion in her voice. "I am very hungry. Perhaps you would be kind enough to offer me a calabash of poi. I see you grow a great deal of taro in your beautiful garden." Now the women at the table had spent many hours pounding the potato-like taro root and cooking their delicious poi; the men had worked hard at their harvest. And all they could think was that if they gave some away, that would be less for them later. "I'm afraid we have too little left to share," the man said. "This will have to last us for a long, long time." "Then perhaps a piece of fish," asked Pele.

"Ah, it's all gone, I fear," said the man. This time he lied. "A few berries for an old woman?" she asked. "To quench my thirst." "Oh, our berries are green," the woman of the house lied, hiding the pot of berries. "You probably cannot see they are green because your eyes are so old." Now Pele's eyes were anything but old, and now they gleamed with fire, but she stopped herself from exploding with rage. Instead she simply bowed and backed away. Pele continued down the road until she came to a neighbor's house, this one a small hut on a narrow patch of land. She stopped at the gate and watched as a family talked and laughed together in their little garden. They were enjoying the sight of the setting sun beyond the slopes in the distance, the slopes that were Pele's home.

"Aloha," Pele called. "I see you have finished your supper, which is a shame since I hoped to have a little poi. I'm very hungry." At once the poor farmer smiled at Pele, and everyone in the family smiled as well, each one radiating warmth, as if they had inhaled the sun. "Come in," said the man. "You are more than welcome. Please, make yourself comfortable." Before he had finished speaking, his wife had prepared a calabash of poi for the old woman and led her to a mat on the floor. Pele sat and ate heartily, dipping her fingers again and again into the delicious poi. When she had devoured the bowlful, she looked up and asked, "Have you any more?" Without hesitation, the woman filled the calabash with another helping of poi, and once again Pele devoured the treat. Then she looked up. "Any more?" Again the woman did not hesitate to fill the calabash as full as she could. "I'm so sorry," she apologized, "this is the last of our poi. As you can see, we have a small garden and little taro."

When Pele finished eating the third calabash, she rose from her place on the mat. She moved more slowly now, for she was full, but her face glowed with the fire of pleasure. "From this day on," she said, "whatever you plant in your garden at night will be full grown by morning, and you will have as many crops in your garden in one day as your neighbor will grow in 10 years." Then she walked outside, and when the family turned to wave to her, she had vanished. The next morning the poor man awoke and walked into his garden. He stared in wonder, for everywhere he looked, ripe bananas hung on new, sturdy plants, and full-grown taro stood ready to be harvested. His sugarcane plants reached so high he could barely see their tops. Then the poor farmer looked across the road toward the beautiful garden of his rich and powerful neighbor, and saw that the rich man's garden was bare. And so he understood that he had been blessed by the goddess of the volcano because of his hospitality to a poor old woman.