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The ends of the Earth.

1. You can live longer-the secret's in that cup of java.
People who drank 6 or more cups of coffee a fay are between 17 and 20 % less likely to die prematurely than those who don't drink java at all. The positive effect is slightly more pronounced in women than men. Coffee fights liver cancer, gout, type-2 diabetes and Parkinsons's disease. It also combats hardening of the arteries in women.

coffee



2. To attract luck, wear forest green
People associate green with wealth, money, good luck, confidence and a nurturing personality and instantly feel more positive about the person wearing it.

forest green

3. Stick to the magic sleep number
It's 7! People who snooze at least that long typically have longer life spans.

sleeping

4. Socializing more to fend off illness
Chatting with people you like and trust wards off depression, which is study proven to weaken the immune system. People who keep their social calendar full are 22 % lees likely to die young than loners.

talking

5. Enjoying a hobby to keep cells young
All works an no play rapidly age cells, making them more vulnerable to disease. Doing something enjoyable for 30 minutes daily reduces your risk of early death by 40%

6. Halving your risk of heart woes by doing this
Excercising and or/drinking wine! Peope who don't do either have a 30% to 49% higher risk of heart isease than people who do one or both.

wine
7. Eating like a Greek to age gracefully
Those who enjoy the mosty Mediterranean fare such as fruits, vegetables, beans, fish, bread, olive oil and wine live the longest.

Jokes

1. How Smart Are You?

(Passing requires 4 correct answers...)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Quiz Answers:

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course.


2. Memories and Good Fortune

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you,Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it,they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totaled fifty thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,and knock on the door. "Pardon me,but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying.She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well,when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here!!!"


3. Man and Wife

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.


4. Problem Solving

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside.

The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Here's one of my favorite anime ending songs. Oh what fond memories I have of watching Inuyasha late at night never mind the fact that I had to get up at 5 A.M. for school back than.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIoDWTF0qSo

Final Battle: The hidden person

1. To command respect wear navy
Women who wear dark blue are seen as more intelligent reliable and even better at their jobs! Navy is often worn by so many in trustworthy professions. We subconsciously associate it with dependability and loyalty.

navy blue

2. Soothe sore muscles with yucca!
The root of the yucca plant has been dubbed "nature's own cortisone" for it's power to relieve pain and discomfort brought on by arthritis and muscle aches. Credit goes to its saponins, anti-inflammatories that block toxins that worsen arthritis. A study of arthritis sufferers found 70% had less pain, stiffness and swelling after takin yucca. No negative side effect. Find yucca-root capsules at health-food stores.

Yucca

3. Ease anxiety! Look at a babbling brook!
Gazing at scenes of water like a stream, leaves subjects feeling soothed.

babbling brook

4. Tune up your liver and defy heart disease!
Folks who enjoy choline-rich diets are less likely to ever develop liver problems such as fatty liver disease. Choline helps transport and dispose of excess cholesterol, preventing the fat from being store inside liver cells. Choline also helps cleasnse the liver of toxins nourhishing and strenthenin this hard-working organ.

5. Talk to yourself!
Telling yourself you're lucky makes you more likely to be that way! Lucky people are optimists which makes them more likely to take chances. Tell yourself you're lucky 5 times a day.

6. Fishy way to cut eczema risk
Serving babies just one portion of fish before nine months of age may drop their risk of developing this dry-skin isease by 25%.

7. Heading off plaque with ibuprofen!
People who use ibuprofen regularly years are less likely to develop Alzheimiers than those who don't.

Jokes:

1. The Manager

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it.

One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"


2. Eye Surgery

Working in an ophthalmology practice that specializes in LASIK surgery, I am expected to comfort nervous patients. But prior to one operation, the patient was so nervous she was actually shaking.

Nothing I said to her would comfort her so after the doctor finished on the first eye and before he began on the second I wanted her to know the surgery was going well.

There, I said, patting her hand reassuringly, "Now you only have one eye left."

eye


3. Art Supply

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

art canvas


4. Luggage

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

luggage

Until next week, take care.

Spirit raging on

A random title, from the song that I will post my cover version to at the end of the blog.


1. Zip through a long to do list by biting into a burger!
One burger has 6 mg. of zinc, amineral that increases calm and regulates dopamine-- a neurotrasnmitter that blocks the negative effects of stress hormones. Zinc also pumps up your brain skills, helping you get to the bottom of your to do list faster!. Oyasters crab turkey and walnuts all have lots of the mineral.


2. Sleep more deeply by drinking milk!
Tossing and turing at night won't only leave you exhausted, it'll also amp up your body's production of the stress hormone cortisol, and in turn, lower serotonin, a calming, put-you-to-sleep brain chemical. Drink milk before hitting the sack! It's rich in whey protein, which helps boost tryptophan one of the building blocks of serotonin by 43%.


3. Prevent diabetes with Mesquite!
You may have mesquite flour in the baking asile of your grocery store lately, and for good reason: It not only prevnts the sugar spikes you get from white flour, but it also stabilizes glucose levels and helps control diabetes- and may prevent it altogether! Ground from the mesquite tree, it's natural sugars don't require insulin for the body to make use of them, so it helps maintain steady blood-sugar levels. It's digested more slowly than other flours, so you feel fuller longer!


4. Cure day-to-day worries with this herb!
Holy basil slows the flow of stress hormones produced by everyday assles, like traffic and deadlines. Chronic stress turns on your body's stress mechanism and keeps it on. Take holy basil tableta as directed on the label, or use 1/2 a teaspoon, 3 times daily of holy basil liquid extract. As always talk to your doctor before taking any new herbs or supplements.


5. Gossiping with a girlfriend!
Chitchchatting is not an indulgence; it's a buffer against tension! It raises your levels of oxytocin, a hormone that decreases anxiety. It's especially effective in women.


6. Struggle with acene cysts?
Ask your doctor about Tazorac (tazarotene) cream, which reduces inflammation, unclogs pores and dries up custs. To prevent future flare-ups, dab cyst-prone areas with tea tree oil twice daily. It's 48 infecton-killing compounds destroy cyst-promoting bacteria on contact.


7. Reduce stroke risk 20% with statins
The cholesterol-lowering drugs cut the risk of stroke by keeping blood vessels to the brain-as well as those to the heart-clear of blockages, reveals a new review of studies involving 165,000 people.

Jokes:

1. Honorary Degree

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree."

The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"

The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*."

"For your horse???"

"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

"But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution."

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees."

A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep.

One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved."

The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."

The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"

"Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."




2. Thoughts to Ponder

Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

---

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

---

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

---

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

---

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

---

If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

---

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

---

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

---

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

---

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

---

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

---

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

---

All of us could take a lesson from the weather; it pays no attention to criticism.

---

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

---

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

---

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


3. Play on Words

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes in verse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. When she got married, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat miner.

11. When your clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

14. You will feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into a song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours ...and it 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory.. which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear will suffer the agony of defeat.



4. Computa-holic 12-Step Program

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!


Breathe:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16fqjzkGLXg&feature=youtu.be




Prevent wrinkles

Another blog on bettering your body. I almost never blog about myself. I'm not interesting not in the least. Anyway here's the blog.

1. Wash with a soap-free cleanser
Natural oils on the skin's surfcae create a protective anti-wrinkle sealant by locking in moisture. Regular soaps strip this barrier.


2. Sleep face up to keep skin smooth
Sleeping on your stomach or side can contribute to lines and creases on your chin and cheeks, since skin gets crumpled against the pillow.


3. Quit smoking to stop sagging
Research shows that smokers tend to have more wrinkles on their entire body not just the face. Quit and you stop the cellula damage that puts the agging process into overdrive.


4. Don sunglasses to avoid squinting
Overworking the muscles around your eyes leads to fine lines and crow's-feet. Shield your eyes from sunlight to dodge the crinkles.


5. Choose moisturizers with AHAs
Alpha hydroxy acids help slough off the skin's dead surface cells. And that's not all: They also repair broken collagen, creating skin that's tighter and tauter.


6. Drink up to plump lines
Almost three-quarters of skin is water, which is why dehydration often shows up on the surface of your face. The best way to avoid this "prune" effect: Down eight 8-oz glasses of fluids daily.


On to the jokes


1. Interesting Ads and Signs, Part I

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last

Stock up and save. Limit: one

We build bodies that last a lifetime

See ladies blouses. 50% Off!

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!


2. Interesting Ads and Signs, Part II

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.

Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.


3. Ice Fishing

There were two good ol' boys from Alabama, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."


4. Flight Time

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

That's all for now, thank you for reading and have a wondeful week.

Health plus tips for everyone

1. Early to bed helps kids stay slim
kids who regularly get a good night's sleep are less likely to become obese as adults, reports the joural Pediatrics. Sleep deprivation alters the balance of hormones that control appetite. Kids under 12 need 11 hours of shuteye a night.


2. Surprising memory saver
People with high levels of good (HDL) cholesterol are 53% less likely to have memory loss later in life, research reveals. To raise your HDL levels, replace saturated anf trans fats with healthy olive or peanut oil.

peanut oil



3. OJ keeps men's bones healthly.
Men with the highest vitamin C intake lose less bone as they age than men who get very little C. Researchers discovered no such link in women.

orange juice



4. Potatoes prevent pressure problems.
Eat 3 servings daily of potassium-rich foods a good single serving is one baked potato or one cup of tomato sauce and you may never get high blood pressure.

baked potato


5. Stop smoking tip for moms to be.
Smoking ups the risk of stillbirth by 46%. Luckily, using nicotine-replacement patches or gum to quit during pregnancy won't increase the risk of stillbirth too.

cigarettes



On to the jokes. No, the jokes I post aren't ranchy, but that does not mean that they are not funny.

1. "Thinking "Out of the Box"

Many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant' debt if he could marry the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender's wife and her father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant's garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant's garden. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers.

What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way.


2. Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that critter on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!!!"


3. The Army

A man was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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4. Playpen

The young mom was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So she bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," the young mother said.

"I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"


Thank you for reading. Have a wonderful week and be postitive. :)

The power of dreams An Eastern European tale.

Once upon a time, three villagers were gathering together their wares to sell in the market. One man was a lamp maker, the second man wove rugs, and the third man was a farmer who grew wheat. They were neighbors and friends, and so they decided to travel together to the next village to sell their wares. The market there was large and filled with people, and they reasoned they would earn lots of money, although the journey was long. So the next morning they packed their goods and set off. To reach the next village, they had to first climb the tall mountains surrounding their village. Up and up they trudged, carrying their heavy loads. The path was steep and difficult, the air raw and cold, and when at last they reached the top of the mountains, they were

lamp

Rug

Wheat

exhausted. "Let's rest awhile," said the farmer, and the others thankfully agreed. They lay their bags upon the ground and sat down to rest, though they had many more miles to travel. "What have we brought to eat?" the lamp maker asked. "I'm starving." At that the rug man looked up. "Oh my," he said, alarmed. "I forgot to pack food." The lamp man frowned. "So have I." But the farmer smiled. "Never fear," he said, "my wife packed a sack we can share." With great pleasure, he reached into his bags and pulled out the sack. As he opened it, the others' mouths began to water, but to their dismay, the farmer pulled out of the sack only a small roasted chicken. The farmer reached inside to see what else his wife had packed, but to his disappointment there was

farmer

nothing. "It isn't much," he said sadly. "I could swallow that chicken whole!" said the lamp man. "Me too," the rug man agreed. All three men stared with longing at that little chicken. It smelled so good that they could almost taste the juicy meat in their mouths. Their eyes grew wider, their stomachs growled, and they wondered desperately what to do. How good that chicken would taste! After a while, the rug man said, "What would the wise men advise us?" They thought about the three wise men in their village. They could almost see them - three old men with long, gray beards and quiet eyes, sitting silently in their dark study, pondering. The farmer yawned and said, "The wise men always think for a long time before reaching any decision." "That they do," said the

rug man, and he leaned against his sack of rugs, trying to imagine how to think like a wise man. "They're silent when they think," said the farmer. The three nodded, and there, in the quiet, resting their aching limbs, they felt sleepiness overtaking them. "I know what to do," said the farmer. "We'll take a nap, and we shall dream. Whichever one of us dreams the most wonderful dream will eat the chicken." "Perfect!" said the other two. "A splendid idea." They already were half-asleep, and each man loved to dream. They leaned back against their goods and closed their eyes. Soon the top of the mountain was perfectly silent, the only sound the rustling leaves moved by a brisk winter wind, and the breathing of men. Now the rug man began to smile, for he was

leaves

dreaming of life on the moon, and the lamp man smiled too as he lapsed into a dream of heaven. They dreamed happily for a while, but presently the loud grunting and snoring sounds woke all three. They sat up straight. The lamp man was the first to speak. "I'm sure I've won," he said. "I dreamed that I was on the moon, warmed by the brightest, whitest light, and I looked down upon the Earth and knew that I was at peace forever, perfectly happy." "Oh no," said the rug man. "The moon sounds good, but I'm afraid my dream was better still. I dreamed I was in heaven surrounded by angels, the only sound their exquisite voices, the only smells those of fragrant flowers, the only feeling everywhere, joy." The two men turned to look at the farmer, whose smile

moon on the water

Angel

was even brighter and wider than their own. "What was your dream?" they asked, longing to know what could be better than a life in heaven or a life on the moon. "Well, I am amazed hearing your tales," said the farmer. "You see, I couldn't fall asleep, and so I opened my eyes and watched you, and when I saw that one of you was on the moon and the other in heaven, and when I realized how lovely those worlds were, I knew you would never wish to return to this Earth. That's why I ate the whole chicken." The rug man and the lamp man looked into the sack, and sure enough it was empty. With their stomachs growling, they then understood the power of dreams - a power that can change things in the real world.

Jokes:

1. Word Contest

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are some of the selected results.

-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

-- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

-- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

-- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

-- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

-- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

-- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.

-- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


2. Marvin

Marvin the Complainer and his wife happened to pass away on the same day and as they await their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they're approached by an angel.

"Hello," says the angel. "I'm your host, and welcome to Heaven. In a few moments you'll be entering through our famous Pearly Gates for the most fantastic adventure you've ever experienced. You'll have a chauffeur driven limousine service anywhere in the universe, plus deluxe accommodations at our luxury hotel with all the amenities -- pool, Jacuzzi, indoor tennis courts, and more. Then after your day of relaxation, dine at any of our 5-star restaurants savoring the finest of any cuisine known to man."

At this point, Marvin gives his wife a shove in the ribs with his elbow. "If it wasn't for you and that stupid oat bran, we'd have been here ten years ago!"


3. Dinner Party

At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."

As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"



4. Hearing Problems...

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Thank you for reading and have a wonderful week.




More on Better living.

1. Fish and Olive oil can save your sight
They're rich in omega-3 fatty acids, which are needed to dodge the vision-robbing eye disorder, age-related macular degeneration. One seving a week of fish lowers risk by 33%; 3.4 o weekly of olive oil cuts risk 52%, a study found.

2. Bad dreams are good for you.
Ordinary bad dreams (upsetting or downbeat dreams, but not nightmares) appear to help us sort out and cope with negative emotions.


3. This shot protects against heart disease.
People diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes or high cholesterol can halve their odds of a heart attack by getting vaccinated against bacterial pneumonia.

4. Sunning helps moms-to-be!
Pregnant women who get 15 minutes a day of sun expsure (without sunscreen) during their last trimester maynhave children with stonger bones. Sunlight boosts vitamin D levels, which helps calcium build bones.

5. Which is the best mouthwash?
Rinses that contain antibacterials, such as cetylpyridinium (Crest Pro-Health) or chlorhexidine (prescription Peridex, Petrograd) as well as products made with odor neutralizing chlorine dioxide (ProFresh) or zinc (Thera-breath Plus, Tom's of Main Natural MouthwASH) are the most affective against bad breath.

6. Male fertility warning
Commonly prescribed antidepressants (SSRIs like Pax and Prozac) may damage the DNA in some men's sperm scientists report.

1. Golfing on Sunday

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


2. Commuting

This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter.

"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think your transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter"

The Reply to the above:

"Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways"

And the Counter-Reply was:

"Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town 'seated' on his donkey... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years! Yours truly, A Long 'Standing' Commuter"


3. Did I Read That Sign Right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


4. Fast Old Ladies

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

That's all for now. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful week. :)

There'a a word for that just not in English

Taken from a March issue of Reader's Digest.

1. Toska (Russian) Vladimir Nabokov described it best. "No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spirtual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels, it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular causes, it may be the desire for somebody or something specific, nostalgia, lovesickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom."

2. Mamihlapinatapei (Yahgan, one of several indigenous languages of Tierra del Fuego) the wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start.

3. Jayus (Indonesian) a joke so poorly told and so unfunny that one cannot help but laugh.

4. Iktsuarpok (Inuit) to go outside to check if anyone is coming.

5. Tartle (Scottish) the act of hesitating while introducing someone because you've forgotten his name.

6. Cafuné (Brazillian Portuguese) the act of tenderly running one's fingers through someone's hair.

7. Torschlusspanik (German) translates literally as "gate-closing panic," but its contextual meaning refers to the fear of diminishing opportunities as one ages.

8. Tingo (Pascuense, Easter Island) It is hoped that this isn't a word you'd need often: the act of taking objects one desire from the house of a friend by gradually borrowing all of them.

Jokes

1. Questioning Faith...

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"

Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"

During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.

The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"

The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."

Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."


2. The things babies say...

"Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."

My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."

Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!"

While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?"

Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, " I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."

His mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy, he gulped, "You already have a son -- me!"

When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!"


3. Wedding and Golf?

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"



4. The Crater

As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"

Never forget 9/11.

Healthy living + Jokes

It's that time again.

1. Act younger and you'll look younger!
One of the biggest factors in looking young is feeling young-and that's directly related to your energy levels. two nutrients short-circuit the drop in pep that typically occurs with age: the amino acid acetyl L-carnitine and the antioxidant alpha lipoic acid. Supplementing with this combo helps repair age-related changes in the mitochondria of cells, which in turn, fire up the body's energy reserves.


2. Cinnamon instantly plumps lips!
You can achieve a beautiful bee-stung look just by dabbing on a natural skin stimulant:cinnamon! Its tingly properties cause tiny blood vessels to dilate, plump the skin and smooth fine lines. But does this trick subtract years? Our lips naturally thin as we age.

Cinammon sticks


3. This cream takes years off your hands!
The skin on the backs of your hands is a bigger giveaway to your true age than the skin on your face. Scientists have discovered the best treatment for keeping that area soft and supple: Slathering on a cream made with glycolic acid which quickens the rate of cell rejuvention, decreases wrinkles and increases collagen and retinyl palmitate- which hydrates your skin and reduces the appearance of age spots. Hands adorned with rings were rated as younger looking by observers than those that were bare.

hand cream


4. Nature's youth vitamin shaves off years!
In one study, women who consumed the most vitain C rich foods- such as orange juice, citrus fruits and tomatoes had fewer laugh lines, crow's-feet and less age related dryness than the rest of the study participants! Vitamin C is a potent antioxidant that protects against the destructive effects of free radicals and even reverse damage they may already have caused. Add guava to your daily diet. Or mix guava nectar with orange juice.

Guava


Jokes


1. Ham Dinner

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

Ham


2. Turkey Football

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

Turkey


3. Wisedom

-- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

-- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

-- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

-- Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

-- I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!

-- I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff


4. Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name

Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., The Incredible Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.

Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Super Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.

Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.

Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman, Captian Invincible on a good day.

But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful- Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.

Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g.,Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Sweetiepie.

Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.

It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.

Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.

Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.

Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.

Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.

Superheroes



More on better living

1. Create calm by listening to these sounds!
Jittery over an upcoming job interview or doctor's appointment? Prep your brain for any nail-biting situation by listening to binaural beats-two tones that your brain blends to create a third calming beat. this slows your nervous system, nipping a possible meltdown in the bud! Listen to free binaural beat recordings at healingbeats.com. Listen to recordings of ocean waves, rustling leaves, birds or rain.Our bodies are programmed to relax when we hear nature sounds.


2. Get a surge of energy with prickly pear juice!
Feeling tired? Try the sweet juice of this flowering cactus, which ends fatigue and boosts energvy, alertness and stamina. Also makes workoyts easier: Athletes who drin it exercise harder and for longer periods of time without even realizing it. It's loaded with minerals and vitamin C and proven to lower levels of bad cholesterol while leaving good cholesterol unchanged.


3. Panax gingseng powers you up!
Fewertension-related aches and pains, 50% more happiness, better blood sugar control, deeper sleep and a boost in brainpower. Taking panax ginseng not only heightens energy, all day, every day, but it can also improve your whole life! Ginseng nourishes the entire central nervous system, helping it cope with changes in cortisol, estrogen, progesterone and other troublemaking hormones. Rx: 100 mg-600 mg. daily.


4. Rhodiola unlocks trapped energy!
Wired and tired all the time? A daily dose of just 150 mg. of this golden roots stops anxiety producing hormones in their tracks, sending your pep soaring and reducing the risk of headaches and concentration problems for almost three out of 4 people who try it.


5. Eleuthero improves your focus!
Chronic worries, lack of sleep, a less-than-perfect diet...many things can heighten stress and shrink your energy supply. Enter eleuthero, a relative of ginseng that's proven to keep your raring to go, whatever demands your face. This herb gives people mental stamina in situations that would normally burn them out. Rx: up to 800 mg daily. Always check with your doctor before trying any supplement for the first time. It contains compounds that mimic the mood boosting hormone serotonin. These compounds improve communication between brain cells, soothing scattered thoughts, calming people who are feeling edgy and energizing those who are really dragging.


Jokes

1. A Letter to My Dogs

Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Sincerely,
Your Overwhelmed Owner


2. Blue 56

A man goes to the doctor to find out about his tests. "It's real bad, I'm afraid", says the doc "you've got a disease so new that it hasn't even got a name yet - we just call it 'Blue 56'. The only certain thing is that you'll be dead in three days"

Naturally the guy is devastated, and goes into a big depression. His girlfriend suggests they go to Vegas to cheer him up just a bit till the end comes. So he goes reluctantly. As he walks into the Casino, he's the millionth customer and wins a brand new Rolls Royce. Then he pulls the handle of a slot machine as he passes, and wins the golden jackpot of $7m. He sits down for a rest at the Blackjack table and wins $100,000 - straight 21's and he can't even be bothered to turn the cards. Weighed down with money, he throws it onto the nearest table. But it's the roulette wheel and the money is on 22 - which promptly comes up!

"Jeez," says the croupier, "I never seen luck like that in my whole life!"

"No, you don't understand" says the guy "I've got blue 56"

"Woahhhh! Now you've won the raffle!!"


3. Rules for Good Housekeeping

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.


4. The Pub

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets his beer and begins to drink it when he notices that the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.

The bartender is mad, and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

The next day the man is back, and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill.

The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill.

The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub.

The bartender says, "Here is your damn change."

The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out ten dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"

Have a wonderful week.