First aired: 08/11/2007
Production code: 0102
Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little bit. Maybe I wasn't having a nervous breakdown, or maybe I did. I was shaking, but that may have been the coffee I drank earlier. I was nervous. I was furious. I couldn't control my tears, and I had never felt so betrayed before. And worse yet, I had nowhere else to turn to, so I came here.
This has been a terrible week for me, but that would be the story of another day. Right now I will just focus on my anger and my feelings. I have to warn whoever who is reading this: I will be bitter, selfish, and inconsiderate. If you wanna read an entertaining blog, forget it. Go to someone else's blog. I'm just writing this to express my emotions.
Okay, the breakdown part starts now. I live in Borneo (Southeast Asia), and I need to fly to the peninsula to get some medical books next Tuesday. A very close friend of mine, let's call him Panda, lives there at the capital. Yep, Kuala Lumpur that's right. Since there are only a few days left I thought I'd remind him that I'll be in the city, you know, for him to bring me around, but more importantly, to catch up.
After a while I got a message back. He told me that he won't be free on that day coz some Russian friends are visiting and he has to bring them around... with his dad! What the f*ck? I actually told him that several weeks ago that I'll be there on the 14th when I bought the tickets, and this is the best part: I asked whether he could spend 12 hours with me in the city, just to hang out, and he was practically whining (okay I might have added that up) that he couldn't make any promises, coz he has to couch his younger brother in badminton. I mean, I'd understand, coz it's his brother against me, and I admit defeat. And now he dares to tell me that he agreed to take the Russians out without saying 'hey I need to coach my brother' to them? You gotta be kidding me! I mean, what do those Russians have, which is better than what I can offer? He doesn't even spend 1 day in a week with them. All they had was one lousy dinner, and now he's bringing them out instead of me?
I wasn't being too inconsiderate here I think. He barely knows the Russians. I'm sure if he wanted to spend time with me, and if he told the Russians they would have understood, coz I bet they can't spell his full name. I was there almost every second when he and his girlfriend (J.) fought, and I had to be the peacemaker. I was even the one who match-made them up. Don't get me wrong here - I did everything for him willingly without asking for anything back. All I wanted was his appreciation that I care for him. I even had a crush on him in Italy, and now I think I was being so stupid and it was so not worth it. I feel such afailure that I couldn't even keep a good friend by my side when I truly needed him after this long tiring week. And I lost him to the Russians. Iam noteven important enough for him to make me his priority instead of those people that he barely knows. God I hate Russians!
So I text-messaged him back to show how angry I was. Then he told me that the Russians had actually booked him long before I did. Okay fine, that one I had nothing to say. The Russians really had an excellent timing. To be honest, I really think they should get a tour guide. If they can afford the tickets to KL, they shouldn't have any problems hiring one. Get a Lonely Planet book could be another better choice. Wait, I forgot his exact words... Get this - 'You can't really force me be with you either coz I didn't promise you anything.. I said MAYBE, and I think being a Malaysian you can get around easier than foreigners.' Yeah right, coz I actually have the decency to learn some English. I can't believe he actually capitalized the word 'MAYBE'. Who ever told him that I wanted to use him like those Russians to 'get around'? Can't I just spend time and hang out with one of my closest friends after not seeing each other for almost 2 months? God, I feel so betrayed and robbed. I'm actually crying right now...
I don't understand why I was being so nice to him. Though I didn't apologize, I actually told him not to worry. I have a tendency to do that - I don't like to ask for what I really want, coz I think if someone knows you well enough, he'd actually know what to do without you having to tell him that. And I am always trying to make everyone happy, but in the end I ended up hurting myself. It has been a terrible week with lots of mixed emotions - I left a guy, went for another new guy coz our chemistry's so strong, hurt him badly, almost lost him, and made out with him back. It had truly been a rollercoaster ride. I was actually looking forward to this coming Tuesday, coz what I felt this week has been really exhausting and I needed a vacation. I thought he'd at least be a little interested with what's going on with my life coz I usually share my days with him. Now he's choosing them over me...
I should be thankful that I know a person called Brian Kinney, that he came into my life last year. He taught me not to expect anything from anyone, coz if you don't depend on yourself, no one's gonna look after you. Tonight I really believed what I said. I don't understand why I still carry this big load on my shoulder - trying to make everyone happy. How can Imake them see that I hurt too, and I only appear to be strong coz I don't want to be considered weak as a gay guy? I have nowhere else to turn to - I can't tell my family, my friend has already treated me like crap, and I can't talk to S. (my new special guy) at night. Was I being too demanding? Tell me.
If the people around me think that I'm asking too much from them, then don't ask for anything from me. Coz you have no idea how much you've lost - a friend like me.
Angry and emotional,