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The Breakdown

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First aired: 08/11/2007
Production code: 0102

Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little bit. Maybe I wasn't having a nervous breakdown, or maybe I did. I was shaking, but that may have been the coffee I drank earlier. I was nervous. I was furious. I couldn't control my tears, and I had never felt so betrayed before. And worse yet, I had nowhere else to turn to, so I came here.

This has been a terrible week for me, but that would be the story of another day. Right now I will just focus on my anger and my feelings. I have to warn whoever who is reading this: I will be bitter, selfish, and inconsiderate. If you wanna read an entertaining blog, forget it. Go to someone else's blog. I'm just writing this to express my emotions.

Okay, the breakdown part starts now. I live in Borneo (Southeast Asia), and I need to fly to the peninsula to get some medical books next Tuesday. A very close friend of mine, let's call him Panda, lives there at the capital. Yep, Kuala Lumpur that's right. Since there are only a few days left I thought I'd remind him that I'll be in the city, you know, for him to bring me around, but more importantly, to catch up.

After a while I got a message back. He told me that he won't be free on that day coz some Russian friends are visiting and he has to bring them around... with his dad! What the f*ck? I actually told him that several weeks ago that I'll be there on the 14th when I bought the tickets, and this is the best part: I asked whether he could spend 12 hours with me in the city, just to hang out, and he was practically whining (okay I might have added that up) that he couldn't make any promises, coz he has to couch his younger brother in badminton. I mean, I'd understand, coz it's his brother against me, and I admit defeat. And now he dares to tell me that he agreed to take the Russians out without saying 'hey I need to coach my brother' to them? You gotta be kidding me! I mean, what do those Russians have, which is better than what I can offer? He doesn't even spend 1 day in a week with them. All they had was one lousy dinner, and now he's bringing them out instead of me?

I wasn't being too inconsiderate here I think. He barely knows the Russians. I'm sure if he wanted to spend time with me, and if he told the Russians they would have understood, coz I bet they can't spell his full name. I was there almost every second when he and his girlfriend (J.) fought, and I had to be the peacemaker. I was even the one who match-made them up. Don't get me wrong here - I did everything for him willingly without asking for anything back. All I wanted was his appreciation that I care for him. I even had a crush on him in Italy, and now I think I was being so stupid and it was so not worth it. I feel such afailure that I couldn't even keep a good friend by my side when I truly needed him after this long tiring week. And I lost him to the Russians. Iam noteven important enough for him to make me his priority instead of those people that he barely knows. God I hate Russians!

So I text-messaged him back to show how angry I was. Then he told me that the Russians had actually booked him long before I did. Okay fine, that one I had nothing to say. The Russians really had an excellent timing. To be honest, I really think they should get a tour guide. If they can afford the tickets to KL, they shouldn't have any problems hiring one. Get a Lonely Planet book could be another better choice. Wait, I forgot his exact words... Get this - 'You can't really force me be with you either coz I didn't promise you anything.. I said MAYBE, and I think being a Malaysian you can get around easier than foreigners.' Yeah right, coz I actually have the decency to learn some English. I can't believe he actually capitalized the word 'MAYBE'. Who ever told him that I wanted to use him like those Russians to 'get around'? Can't I just spend time and hang out with one of my closest friends after not seeing each other for almost 2 months? God, I feel so betrayed and robbed. I'm actually crying right now...

I don't understand why I was being so nice to him. Though I didn't apologize, I actually told him not to worry. I have a tendency to do that - I don't like to ask for what I really want, coz I think if someone knows you well enough, he'd actually know what to do without you having to tell him that. And I am always trying to make everyone happy, but in the end I ended up hurting myself. It has been a terrible week with lots of mixed emotions - I left a guy, went for another new guy coz our chemistry's so strong, hurt him badly, almost lost him, and made out with him back. It had truly been a rollercoaster ride. I was actually looking forward to this coming Tuesday, coz what I felt this week has been really exhausting and I needed a vacation. I thought he'd at least be a little interested with what's going on with my life coz I usually share my days with him. Now he's choosing them over me...

I should be thankful that I know a person called Brian Kinney, that he came into my life last year. He taught me not to expect anything from anyone, coz if you don't depend on yourself, no one's gonna look after you. Tonight I really believed what I said. I don't understand why I still carry this big load on my shoulder - trying to make everyone happy. How can Imake them see that I hurt too, and I only appear to be strong coz I don't want to be considered weak as a gay guy? I have nowhere else to turn to - I can't tell my family, my friend has already treated me like crap, and I can't talk to S. (my new special guy) at night. Was I being too demanding? Tell me.

If the people around me think that I'm asking too much from them, then don't ask for anything from me. Coz you have no idea how much you've lost - a friend like me.

Angry and emotional,
Billy

The Truth

by on

First aired: 08/09/2007
Production code: 0101

"Don't talk about that anymore! You know that I hate about that kind of stuff the most!"

Hey everyone. Okay, like usual, I like to start by stating the things that are really important in my life. That quote belongs to my mother. I know it doesn't make sense right now, but I'll talk about that later. This is the blog that I'll call 'The Beginning'. Coz I think if you really wanna get to know me, you would need to read this one first.

I'm sorry that I haven't been active on tv.com for a long time. As some of you remember, my blogs are kinda long, draggy and boring. I admit - I always take things too seriously, even writing simple things like this. In this blog, I'll just write whatever that comes out from my heart. Forgive me if I'm rusty - I haven't written an essay for almost 4 years. See, there I go again. Like what a very important person in my life said: I really need to relax.

Maybe I've been bottling myself up too long. Maybe I expect too much from other people. Or maybe I expect too much from myself. I guess there's no easy way to say this, to take this small step, to be completely bare and honest in front of those who are reading this right now, and to those that I really care. (Taking deep breath...) I'm gay.

Look at me lol, I'm tearing up right now. Okay, that wasn't really hard. Maybe coz I'm just writing instead of facing every one of you, face to face. Maybe I was finally able to put down this weight that I have been carrying around for 21 years (at least 9). Whoa, that sure feels a bit lighter now.

Some of you might have already known that I'm gay Some of you I've told myself. Well, after all, I am the editor of Queer as Folk. Don't get me wrong - I'm not coming out to you guys on tv.com for your sympathy or use this as an opportunity to make more friends. I owe this to that special guy who came into my life a few days ago. I want him to be able to talk about me on tv.com (which right now should be something bad about me) without having to worried that he would expose me; but mostly, I owe it to myself and to you all - honesty.

Okay... Now I can't really concentrate coz I'm listening to Celine Dion.

I know - it shouldn't be so difficult, especially in a world that happens to be that accepting. Maybe it was my upbringing. Yes, that quote of my mother was about sexuality. Don't get me wrong - I love her dearly, but like her, I am full of flaws. I want to be a little more perfect than what I am now, and there're just some things that I cannot change.

By coming out, at least I'm taking the first step - admitting that I get hurt too. That I'm not as strong as I appear to be. That I tried to be strong but ended up hurting myself. But most importantly, by coming out, I get to be true to myself, and be happy, and be proud of who I am.

Please don't expect me to be proud overnight. Please give me some time. Please bear in mind that this is a very big step for me, coz by coming out to you guys on tv.com, things would finally be real, and there's no turning back. There's no regret. That I gotta admit - that's a little scary to me.

Like what David from Six Feet Under said, 'I refuse to be ashamed anymore'. Why should I be when there are so many friends out there who happen to be supportive and care for me? Being around you guys, and be gay at the same would already be a victory.

If I'm able to come out to everyone and just say goodbye to the closet forever... If I'm able to come out to my family... That would really be the biggest victory I'll ever achieve.

The rest of this blog is dedicated to my new boyfriend, S.

Baby,
This is not about me; this is all about you, to honor you. I'm so happy and thankful that you come into my life. You make me feel the ups and downs of love. You make feel so alive. And most importantly, you let me know that I'm able to love a guy, something that I thought I could never do. Without you, I feel weak. I can't do anything right. Though we have only known each other for a short time, it is enough for me to say this to you: I love you. I have already given you my heart without realizing myself.

I know I have been apologizing too much. I won't be doing that anymore, coz from now on I am a changed man. And it's all because of you. Thank you for convincing me to put myself out there. Thank you for letting me feel all these; things that I've always dreamed of but never believe I'll be in it one day. Thank you for letting me feel love.

Thank you all for listening to me. Good night everyone.

Sincerely,
Billy Wong.

Heavy Duty

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First aired: 9/16/2006
Production code: 103

Monday: General Surgery (lecture)
                 (0850~1030)
                 General Surgery (class)
                 (1130~1400)
                 Microbiology (class)
                 (1500~1730)
Tuesday: Pharmacology (class)
                 (0830~1100)
                 Microbiology (lecture)
                 (1140~1320)
                 Internal Disease (class)
                 (1400~1540)
Wednesday: Anatomic Pathology (lecture)
                        (0850~1030)
                        Pharmacology (lecture)
                        (1040~1220)
                        Medical Information
                        (1300~1630)
Thursday: Pathophysiology (class)
                    (1110~1340)
                    Internal Disease (class)
                    (1440~1620)
Friday: Internal Disease (lecture)
             (1200~1340)
             Anatomic Pathology (class)
             (1430~1700)
Saturday: Pathophysiology (lecture)
                   (1430~1610)

Leaving for a Friendlier Neighbourhood

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First aired: 06/17/2006
Production code: 102

        My second last day in Moscow until next September, got tons of things need to be done. Still figuring which magazines to bring back, and the luggage-weight limit is only 20 kg. Just got the news that now, I'm the editor for Celine Dion! That's great and the best present for me in completing my 4th semester successfully. There're 4 more years to go. Yeah, and hopefully when I'm with my family, I'm able to solve the wreck in my family. Hopefully too, that I'll be able to be more active on tv.com and write more stuff.

        Peace out guys!

Original Pilot (Unaired)

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First aired: 6/10/2006
Production code: 100

        I like to write long sentences, but I find that excusable. What I'm really capable of in scaring people away, is my strange ability to do that not by saying rude stuff, but by writing extremely long essays, which include reviews and forum posts. I'm also known for playing safe. However, I'm actually taking risks by writing this blog, since no one might actually read it. Anyway, life goes on.

        If you'd read my previous post (I admit, not very skilfully written, but I did put a lot of effort into it), most of the stuff I wrote about myself are true. I'm currently a student in Moscow, and this is the last week of my second-year course. However, I need to correct something, I'm not actually 19, and I don't know how I wrote it. I'm 20 years, 2 months, and 8 days old. Well, let's just assume that there're 30 days in a month, and I'm born at exact midnight.

        Well, there isn't much to talk about. Most of the things that circle around me I'd have told in my first blog. My family is a wreck right now, and when I go back this summer I must seriously spend some time to sort things out. My elder brother's behaving like a 15-year old kid, which makes him the same age as my sister. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly. It's just that now it's a very dark period in my house. I guess sometimes it can just hit you in between your eyes: we'd grown. Into another form that screams and yearns to be freed from everything. Responsibilities, bonding, but the truth is, we are burdened with more of them as we get older, and that's what make us stronger. (Clear throat) Sorry, I'm very dramatic. That was pure Billy's talking.

        I guess I never talked about my interests. Well, I'm not in the mood to touch that area, since there're too many and they keep changing too. Lately, I have this strong passion and discipline to come to this site and write some stuff. It's fun, and in a way, it gives me guilty pleasure. You can write anything and no one will ever know the original writer. I guess that is the moment when we'll realize that we are rules-fearing, responsible members of tv.com. (Three cheers for not abusing our rights as civic-minded writers... wooo...)

        Now let's talk about tv. I like to think myself as the voter-of-academy-award-or-similar-award kind: I have an 'unexplainable' affinity towards soapy, depressing and artistic shows. My friends think of me as an old-stiff politician/ uncle who takes everything too seriously. Just because I value brilliant writing, excellent casting and skilful acting. So, that is the reason of my top-four tv shows: Six Feet Under, Desperate Housewives, Prison Break, and soon-to-be Lost. I haven't even finished watching the first season of Lost, but I think I'll like it. Sometimes the lack of resources can be a lit-tle irritating.

        When I'm watching tv, I want to be amazed rather than amused. And I want to see something I'm familiar with. The most important of all - I must be able to relate myself to the characters. I'll leak everything out. I'm much like David in Six Feet Under. I'm sensitive, but refuse to show that quality, especially with my family. I need to be strong for my mother, because I know that I'm the only one she can depend on right now. Well, no wonder that I turned into this fun-hating uncle. I'm only 20 for God's sake. Okay, Billy, pull yourself together. The role of drama queen has already been filled by Teri Hatcher.

        Now - Desperate Housewives. Actually I'm the balance between Susan, Lynette and Bree. I tend to beat around the bushes very often. Okay, almost my entire life. I guess life without drama isn't life at all. That was Susan. I used to be like Lynette - fearless when I think I'm right, and when I'm defending someone. I'd like to be a fighter for women's rights after I'm officially a doctor. As for Bree, I understand her totally. Sometimes you cannot let other people think of you as the way they like, and you can't let them judge you because they are not better than you. Slowly, you just like to play with their minds, saying things you don't mean or behaving in a perfect way to make others look up to you. Like evilgenius, I have trust issues. Thank God I'm not Gabrielle - I like kids, and I want to have at least 7. ... What?! I'm actually not joking.

        Prison Break - well, I cannot really relate myself to that. First, I don't know whether I love my brother that much (kidding). Next, I don't know whether my brother's capable of holding a gun (kidding again - he punched and slammed me onto the floor when we were kids - this guy does have anger issues. Oh, and the slapping too). Last, I hope I'm as smart as Michael. I don't think I can cover the whole map on my body, I'm small in size, so my total body surface isn't that big.

        Lost, metaphorically, I am living on an island. No one really understands me, not even myself. I guess I can relate myself to Jack, if I'm more than 6 feet tall, have that face that girls and gay guys crave for. I do hope that I can be such heroic and selfless doctor. That is something that all doctors should at least try to do. Luckily, I'm born a softie and cry every time I watch Six Feet Under or Desperate Housewives (that only makes you a sissy, Billy, not kind), so in a way, I might be as kind as he is. To evilgenius: that's why I want to be an elder brother. Not to bully, but to help. I tend to get very protective.

        That's it. I'm single, but am also seeing someone on daily-basis, non-exclusively (as in Justin and Brian in Queer as Folk) over the net for the past year. Yeah, I'm freaking close to this bjs544, maybe now I can relate myself to Gabrielle (Xiao Mei: You are like my mother. Gabrielle: Uh-huh. Since we are so freaking close...) Well, to all Susan haters, you find yourselves a new target. Those who wanted to eliminate her, guess what, Billy is moving to Wisteria Lane next season, only this time, the new drama queen takes it to a whole new level.

        That's me. I believe in love. I care about others. I care about what others think. If they are judging me I want to know why. Because if they don't like me, they might be hurt by my current acts. I believe in the power of love. I believe in unconditional love. I believe that love brings people together and do things they could never have dreamt of. Because ultimately, life is nothing, if there isn't love to keep it going. Well, thanks to Celine Dion. She makes me believe that.

Pilot

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        I'm not a traditional guy in the sense of how I live my life and how I program my mind, but in this case, I'll stick to the traditional way, which is, every meaningful journey deserves a happening beginning. If you think this is a review on a show, yeah, it is. It's just that the main character would be me, and the plot circles around my life as a member of tv.com.

        The story begins with an average 19-year old kid, who's taking his final oral examination on Medical Physiology. This is his second year as a foreign student in Moscow, and from the look of it, he isn’t doing very well with the test. We can get the idea that there’s something wrong. There’s so much passion in his eyes, but something is blocking him from speaking out, and he doesn’t dare to look directly into the eye of his lecturer. At last, the lecturer has decided to give him the green light. After thanking him and God, Billy gets out of the lecture hall with great relieve.

        Billy goes back to the hostel to start packing. His flight back to his hometown in Asia is only 6 hours away, and there isn’t much time left. He needs to make sure that he cleans his room before he leaves. After all, it would be another 3 months before the summer break ends, before he returns to Russia for his studies.

        While packing, his roommates and friends ask how he is doing with exam and all. “I’d passed, and that’s all that matters now.” He is very careful with what he says, and he does not want to give other people satisfaction of knowing his results. There’s a tough competition going on, and he has to be cautious not to be hunted down. It’s a medical school: the slightest mistakes you make with your tongue might bring you down in later days. There are enemies, people to prey for others’ failure, people who gratify themselves from others’ suffering. He’s trying to hide something, a dark secret, and he knows he cannot afford to choose the wrong friend. Is this secret the reason he can’t reach out, and subconsciously blocking himself from being successful?

        Before he leaves for airport, he’s decided to call his mom. Melinda asks for the exam, and he tries to avoid the question and being discreet with the results. It seems like he used to do extremely well back in high school, and now we know there’s private issues bothering him. Billy is concerned about things in the house, but Melinda brushes it off by saying that she will only tell him once he arrives home. “Your sister is sick. For Wilson, well, I don’t hope for anything from him anymore." Billy tries to hold back his tears, but he can’t. Luckily Melinda doesn’t know. He needs to be strong for his mother and his family. If he falls, that’s the end of everything. At least that’s what he believes.

        There’s a little time left. Billy chooses to make full use of it, and checks into his account in tv.com. He also sends a private message to someone, someone with a screen name ‘bjs544’. “Hey, I miss you. Talk to you when I get back. Love, Billy.” For the first time since the starting of the show, we realize that he is happy. There’re sparkles in his eyes. Now, back to his activity in tv.com. Here is the only place that he feels totally free, and he can post his mind without the fear of being judged or victimize by other people’s greed and evil thoughts.

        Finally, the cab to fetch him and his traveling mates to Domodedovo International Airport has arrived. After loading everything, he turns around, having a final look at his apartment, telling his friends, “Yes, everything will be alright,” “I wish…”  he whispers, and he looks skeptical about what he just said.

        Why is he holding himself back? Who is ‘bjs544’? What is the deal with his family, does the secret have anything to do with it, or his private life instead? All the stories will be revealed, in the first season of this (boring8)) drama ‘My Life’.