A quick question for you all: Where is the one place on Earth where you are 100% guaranteed to find at least one paedophile, one religious fanatic, one alcoholic who's on the verge of a nervous breakdown, one conspiracy theorist and several teenage girls whose vaginas have been used so many times they contain graffiti?
School, that's where.
Only the government-enforced education system could bundle such a diverse and volatile group of people into the insane social gathering we call school.
Now, the chances are that if you belong to any ethnicity or social group whatsoever, I will probably indirectly insult you in the course of this blog. If you touch children, you will definitely be insulted.
So, where to start with this blog? Well, let's travel back in time about 11 years, to when I first started school.
My first school was a dismally pathetic establishment called Broadwater C of E school. That's right - a Christian school. I understand that it may be hard for you to visualise me - an outspoken atheist - in a Christian school, but it happened. I'm not sure why my Mum sent me there, or if she knew that I'd spend the next 7 years at that place fending off religious propaganda and bullies who could claim that Jesus told them to beat up the atheist kid.
I spent 7 years at that Christian school, and while I don't look back on my time theretoo fondly, I'm just pleased that I managed to avoid being raped in a broom cupboard.
The first 2 or 3 years of First School didn't really involve much education. We basically used glitter, pasta and paint to makecrappy pictures of magical cows or whatever our innocent, crazy little minds could think up, while the patronising teachers gave us encouragement and ridiculously big smiles. I think the encouragement was somewhat misleading - kids shouldn't be told they're talented when they're not, because once they reach the adult world, the realisation that everything they do is actually **** will be rather shocking.
Similarly, I think High School Musical is to blame for giving many kids misconceptions about how high school is going to turn out. No-one starts singing a jaunty pop song as they're queuing up for the canteen; they'd be punched in the face for acting like a moron. High School Musical is a complete misrepresentation of reality; if I'd been directing it, I'd make it like a real American high school – Gabriella would take some cocaine at a party and give a stranger a blowjob, and Troy would consequently become depressed, drink himself into a stupor on his Stepdad's vodka cache, go to school and murder his clas$ates with a hunting rifle before blowing his own brains out in the gymnasium.
I quickly made friends with two other kids - Matt and Sam. We weren't exactly "The Cool Kids" in our trio, a fact which didn't change for the rest of our time at the school, especially since Sam acquired the nickname "Shagger"- a nickname I would be rather proud to bear, but he seemed to be extremely uncomfortable with it. He was one of those people who thinks that girls have "cooties" and being touched by one would result in his face melting into a puddle of pure, bubbling sin.
After condemning myself from an early age by landing myself with the weirdoes, I did little to improve my social status. In Year 4, I moved to Southampton for several months, which was bloody miserable, because I was quite frankly a dick and a social reject. I think I amassed a grand total of 1 friend in that terrible school. It did have some rather amusing characters, though, such as a pathological liar who had actually convinced himself that he was on the run from the FBI for hijacking a military jet, and was hiding out in our school as a fugitive. His paranoia had reached the point where on a Boy Scout camp, he decided to start patrolling the campsite at 4 in the morning with a large stick, in search for any "intruders".
Eventually, he tired of this, went for a piss in the bushes, and returned to the tent in order to throw Mars Bars at us.
So, after spending 7 years as a friendless dick, I moved up to high school, where I was fully anticipating the moronic world that awaited me. I decided to try and make some friends, which worked. Unfortunately, all my friends were, and still are, total dicks. Still, I like them in a warped way. Actually, they'll probably end up reading this, so to all of my friends: I hate you, stop putting your crisp packets in my bag.
It took me a few years, but I finally managed to propel myself up the social ladder, into my current position of hanging out with a broad assortment of trolls and idiots. I even have a girlfriend – one of the few people who I don't hate. My school is populated by a rather interesting selection of people, ranging from anti-social yobs to self-harmers to sex-obsessed midgets.
One child has anger management problems and only one arm that functions properly. If I had a conscience, I'd pity him, but I instead use him as a reliable source of laughs, seeing as he's constantly being antagonised by a particularly stupid, fat chav – a situation which often degenerates into the angry kid chasing the fat kid and trying to "chop" him with his arm.
There's also a kid who has a fascination with anal fisting. Yeah, you read that correctly. Apparently, the trick is to lubricate the fist and insert with a single, swift movement, though I still don't get how it would work… It would look like someone trying to swallow a boxing glove.
I like the idea of him getting with a girl for the first time – she expects him to put on a condom, and he instead starts strapping on a rubber glove. I'd give her 5 weeks at the very most before the diameter of her anus has expanded to the point where it looks like a second mouth.
Other notable characters include a child whose head is shaped uncannily like a giant egg, a sexually aggressive gay kid with a lisp, a guy who looks like Frankenstein with slightly more stylish hair, and a kid who managed to include the word "chapatti" in almost every one of his sentences for a couple of months.
But before you think that my school is completely made up of freaks, I should probably mention a certain "local legend" who attends our school – an undeniably incredible superhero known as Stevie T – an idol and inspirational figure for every young man. He looks like a werewolf and he speaks as if his oesophagus has been replaced by a broken moped engine.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to assemble such a diverse group of zany freaks in one place is probably not the smartest guy around, as you can probably assume. However, a group of equally moronic people known as teachers have been tasked with controlling, and – get this – educating us. All the teachers at the school start out perky enough, but after a few degrading months, they either begin to have violent moods swings that cause their prim exterior to melt away into demonic rage, or they simply fall into a state of clinical depression. Many of them achieve a good balance between the two.
I often feel a beautifully rare sense of irony when teachers tell me off, and especially when they make comments like "You'll get nowhere in life!"… The beauty here being that they are a middle-aged, low-wage drone, who spends their time teaching and arguing with morons, while lapsing into an ever-worsening state of depression that will probably induce an alcohol-fuelled heart attack by the age of 50.
There are many interesting individuals that make up the teaching staff. My history teacher's chin contains an enormous crevasse, for example. I suspect that it is actually a portal to another dimension. I'm looking forward to the day when he gets so pissed off with a pupil that he simply walks over and consumes them in his chin.
One of the Maths teachers is a particularly masculine woman, who boasts a crew cut and a pair of breasts that sag down to the point where they rest on top of her skirt. She always wears a watch, though her ability to tell the time is restricted by the fact that the rolls of fat on her arm cascade down to engulf the timepiece.
The best part of our Maths lessons is hearing her from across the Maths department, shouting. If you were to imagine how a gruff army sergeant would look and sound, you'd have a pretty good idea of what she's like. Alternatively, imagine a rhinoceros in a cage, which you've just spent half an hour throwing peanuts at.
One of the members of the leadership team at my school is a middle-aged white man, who's convinced himself that he's actually a young black man. He also seems intent on reminding us of his "blackness", as well as the fact that his wife and sons are black. Still, I guess that he's just trying to appear "hip" and "cool" to appeal to the chavs. He may as well dress up as Mr Blobby and recite his favourite parts of the Conservative Party manifesto, for all the popularity it gets him.
You're probably wondering – surely there's a paedophile in here somewhere! Yeah, we've got a few. My former drama teacher was one of the most easy-to-spot paedophiles I've ever encountered. I'm glad I didn't ever have to experience one of his detentions - whereas most teachers increase the amount of time you have to stay behind for, depending on the severity of your crime, I expect our drama teacher just increased the amount of fingers that he uses... I'd often wondered why there was a gimp mask and a saddle at the back of the props cupboard.
So, that's my school years in a very small nutshell. School may be abysmal in many ways, but it's also provided me with the most entertaining experiences of my life. I'm going to miss high school when I leave – I doubt I'll ever found a place quite so moronically lovable. I'd like to congratulate Worthing High School on being awesome. Awesomely crap, but awesome nonetheless.