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Video_Game_King Blog

A surprise at the end of this blog.

(But more about that at the end of this blog.) Like it says in the title. Warning: the results are shocking. Now then, onto the main event of the blog, and holy hell is it awesome! And by awesome, I mean big. First up is Einhander, a late 90's shooter made by Square. Square, the guys behind Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy Adventure, Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest, and Final Fantasy Tactics? Yep, the very same. And since it was on the PS1, they managed to sneak in a few CGI cutscenes. Honestly, did we really need them? There are only a few, and the graphics are already good as it is (lots of detail, decent animations, unique enemy design, etc.). Maybe for the story, but that's a big maybe. You play as Einhander, a ship caught in a war between the Moon and Earth. I liked the plot, given that you're a Moon shooter fighting the evil forces of the Earthicans, but the big plot twist that the moon men are evil pisses me off. I'd dismiss it as spreading horrible and untrue propaganda, but then I remembered something: NOBODY CARES ABOUT STORY IN SHOOTERS. All that really matters is the shooting, hence the title of the genre. So how is the shooting? Good, but the full potential is not realized. You can choose between three ships, each with their own distinct advantages. I chose the one that could hold a few weapons, but was stuck with a piece of crap peashooter. On the actual weapons, you can hold several at a time, depending on your ship. You have the vulcan, the wasp, the riot, and a bunch of other useless names (the only good one being cannon). None of them have any power-ups, but they do run out of ammo over time. Yea, you pick them up with more frequency than...something with high frequency, but keep in mind that you don't get any in boss battles, leaving you with a pea-shooter against Zog, Destroyer of Worlds. The only major change from other shooters is your arm, with very conspicuous Fruedian undertones. However, this doesn't really add much to the game; in theory you're supposed to shoot things above, behind, in front, below, slightly to your side, slightly not to your side, but only about two weapons actually change their behavior when you flip them with the arm. All others are EXACTLY THE SAME. If you think I hate the game, you're wrong. I like it, but it could've been sooooo much more. There was potential for a much better shooter, but the lack of power-ups really, really hurts the game. Sure, the graphics rock, but you only see it all within a few hours, and there's not much reason to go back. All that in mind, I give it the Mein Kampf Schadenfreude Herzog Zwei Award for Excellence in Randomly Choosing German Words for Your Own Purposes. That's what I do, I give games awards and things.

But very rarely do they actually deserve the awards, given that none of my awards ever make sense ever. However, the next game actually deserves an award because of how good it is (I'll devote a section to that later). The game is, of course, Lufia II: Rise of the Sinistrals. Now we all have best games ever and worst games ever, but not really most average games ever. I have one, and it is called Lufia & the Fortress of Doom. Absolutely nothing about this game stood out other than how amazingly average it was. Natsume discovered this, and decided to create a sequel that fixed everythiing. Thus was born Lufia Syndrome, a disorder that would later strike series such as Killzone and Breath of Fire. However, it also had a twin called Lufia II: Rise of the Sinistrals, as I have already told you. The game starts off with the hero, Maxim, fighting monsters for pay. Lucky for him, there's an utter **** of them swarming throughout the world of Estopolis. Rather than make enough money to earn the envy of local pimps, Maxim wants to figure out why there are so many of them, roping the hero into a world saving quest. The story itself is good, but not great; I feel like it could've gone into greater detail with all the events and locations and such. However, it does have many extremely memorable moments, like the big mid-game plot twist. I could spoil it, but I'll use an analogy. Imagine the ending to FF9. Now imagine the scene where Zidane is in the play and he casts off his robe. Now imagine him calling out Freya's name, running to her and embracing her in his arms instead of the Princess (now Queen). That's pretty much the huge Lufia II plot twist. Only with Lyn instead of Freya. Plus there's a fantastic ending, giving you reason to play past what you can tolerate (I don't know that, because I don't know you). Wow, look at all the space without mentioning gameplay. The battle system is more than the turn based exterior would lead you to believe. First, you have capsule monsters, little Pokemon-esque beings that evolve to higher levels when fed weapons and the lint in your pocket. Fine, they don't add much, given how they have the bravery of dogs, but the gesture is nice. There's also an IP system, and this works much better than the capsule monsters. They're like Limit Breaks, except you get more moves. One per piece of equipment, in fact. It's very interesting to screw around with new attacks and keep those that work. Besides, if you hate the move you're stuck with, just jam the weapon down a capsule monster's throat, they'll love it. However, the major part of this game is the dungeons. Each one contains about four or five puzzles to solve, and trust me when I tell you that they can be HARD. Don't be surprised if you run to an FAQ to find out how to solve that one puzzle you're stuck on. You'll have a few tools with you to solve each puzzle, and all of them (fire arrow excluded) are put to great and creative use. In addition, there's also a reset spell that costs nothing, meaning you can try over and over until you solve the puzzle. Add in the fact that you don't fight dungeon monsters until you touch them, and I think the game is in love with me, like that needy spouse who serves you breakfast in bed on your day off. This game is the very definition of a ****c: it shows its age, but who gives a crap? That doesn't hinder it in any way, nor does it stop it from aging well. So I give it the Lower Top 20 Award. But wait, Dragon Quest IV is also there. Oh no, which gets the top spot? I know I haven't done this in a long time, but RPG BATTLE!!! First up, protagonists:

Maxim, a hardened combat badass

Maxim, a hardened soldier

Nameless, a silent cliche

Noname, a silent cliche

OK, Lufia wins the first round. How about most embarrassing moments, huh?

Wow, that sucks

Ripping off FF5

Chapter 2

Ouch. Again, gotta hand it to Lufia. This is getting huge. How about one DQ can win, hm? Biggest flaws:


Incredibly hard final boss.

Lufia wins, 2-1! It gets the coveted #11 spot on my list. DW4, you go to 12. Now this is not the end of the blog! Oh, no, I have a bit more for you guys. You're probably wondering why I look different, don't you? Well, another makeover. Let's go into detail about each and every little change, shall we?


I'll admit, I was lazy on this one. However, it turned out really well. The center image of me is basically what I'd look like in an old school JRPG, and I have the Chaos Emeralds revolving around me for no reason :P. Moving on...


Now this one is weird. I've begun the policy of basing my sitework on stories I've told you before, but those were only the serious/original stories. Here's a demostration of a more jocular/ripped off story. The story of Final Fantasy that I have yet to tell. This is my party (me, Queen, Writey Guy & Shiki (dead, right)) fighting Tiamat. Obviously, we're getting Killed. Expect to see this in the future, maybe.


Ah, my favorite dialogue sequence saga of them all. This is the final battle against Thompson Claus, Satan Claus finally absorbing Jack Thompson's body. The crown hangs above him, suspended in light...of darkness! It was originally intended to be a picture of Thompson Claus killing me, but I stumbled upon the "pyramid" and immediately started this. Then I started this one later:


Funny story: this was originally my avatar, but I liked the other one better. Now this one is just me on my throne. Remember that for later.


Keeping in line with the parody thing, this is the end of my Dragon Quest IV parody. I'm in the corner doing nothing. The party consists of myself, Writey Guy, the Queen (she cast Bedragon), and Burger Fox. Wondering why Necrosaro is stained blood red? Keep in mind that in the original, Psaro took the form of Estruk after he became the Ruler of Evil, eventually becoming a warped version of his former ruler. So I did that here, but with Satan Claus. So i-Oh crap! I haven't finished the Dragon Quest thing!

Greetings, mortals. I am God. It is your destiny to fight Satanroth in the depths of Hell. I h-Master Dragon

Yea, yea, got it: go down to Hell, beat up Satanroth.

Maybe we should listen to more of what he has to say. I mean, this is God.Queen

We'll be fine. *group goes down to Hell, finds Satanroth*

GWAAAAHHHH!!!!!! Fear me, for I am Satanroth, the Ruler of Monsterkind! I know now what I must do: destroy all humanity!Satanroth

Be on your guard, he's gained dark p-Queen

OK, whatever. *slashes at Satanroth, arm falls off* What the...*laughs ass off*

Your hubris will eventually be your downfall.Burger Fox

*slashes another arm off, laughs ass off, does so after slashing off head* Oh my God...his freaki....what the hell is going on with his stomach?

You don't remember? There's more to him after the head plops off.Queen

Oh, right. Still, pretty damn easy. *fights some more, sees arms and legs grow back* This is getting a bit weird.

I warned you. *Satanroth grows other head, becomes eviler*Burger Fox

*gets scared* RUN AWAY!!!! *tries to run away, fails* Oh no, we wasted a turn, we're so scr-

Relax, we beat him.Queen

(silence) Huh? Really? Yay, we win! And no stupid alternate endings! *story ends*

Well, I ended the Dragon Quest dialogue sequence multiparter. Might as well start something else. No, not THAT. I was thinking two more video game reviews. After all, I just beat two more games. The first is Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness, because Konami thought they could make their previous N64 Castlevania better by adding werewolves. Thanks for missing the point, Konami! However, there are other changes, like being able to PLAY as a werewolf. You play as Cornell, who ties with Sephiroth for the most prominent homosexual game character in video game history. Why? Well, besides looking at him, the guy skips. I automatically win that argument. Another argument: this game is unoriginal. It rips off both Zelda and Resident Evil, taking place in a medieval mansion filled with horror movie cliches AND a stupid female character who needs to be save from an old fart who never dies. The game even goes so far as to rip off the hallway in the original RE where you saw your first Crimson Head. But this is kinda beside the point (which, as I alluded to earlier, Konami missed). How does it play? Well, there's a good game here, but it's buried under several problems. For example, the combat sucks. Unlike the Belmonts, Cornell throws energy...spikes at his foes. It works better than a whip, but perhaps a bit too well. He doesn't need his claw attack (yes, he has a claw attack) or the traditional sub-weapons, since everything dies with a few whacks of your energy spikes. And it's not even normal enemies who die that easily, as most of the bosses are pathetic. Jump around like an idiot and throw spikes at them until they die. Dracula has a bit more strategy, but he's the final boss, so why should I give a crap at this point? Speaking of enemies, why are there skeletons on motorcycles, the game is set in 1844! Back to the game, control is also a bit of an issue. In order to pick things up, you have to press a button, rather than just walk over it. Any game that commits this crime automatically gets 3 points knocked off its score, and things don't get better from there. The graphics aren't that good (as you've already seen) and the combat is imperfect (as I've already mentioned), but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Too bad you can never reach it. The point I'm trying to make is that there's a good game to be had underneath all the flaws. I can imagine having fun with this game's mechanics if not for the myriad of flaws. So I give it the Whatever the Hell the Opposite of a Polished Turd is Award.

Unfortunately, the next game does not have the benefit of being good beneath the flaws. The next game? Final Fight 2. I had a lot for this, but character limits force me to give it the Unfortunately Short Review Award and leave it to this: the game is really, really repetitive. You can see it know what? Read on, you'll figure it out.

And now, the big surprise I promised you. It may come as shocking: I'm leaving GameSpot. It had to happen sometime. I mean, we all get banned, and I came close. Because of this. But that's not important. The important thing is my departue. "But wait, Vincent!", you might say, "Where are you going?" Well, I have an account set up at Giant Bomb. Besides the benefit of uncensored swearing, I also get a decent user review system, an in-depth game encyclopedia, and a create-your-own-list feature. In the face of all this, how can I possibly stay here, knowing my inevitable fate? Don't try to stop me, I've already started packing. S-

No, wait! Don't leave GameSpot!Queen

Wait, why are you opposed to this?

Yea, you're coming with us.Writey Guy

Oh. OK, then, let's send our stuff there.Queen

Now then, seeing as how I have no more attatchments to this place, l-

You know, you still have one more race in my Rigged Cup.Don Mario

Don't worry, I'll finish that up once we're settled in. I promise you, I'll find a way.

But how are you going to fit in the whole Nazi Patrick thing?Queen

You know, I really don't care about him. I don't know, I don't feel the same zest and zeal writing for this villain as I did for Satan Claus.Writey Guy

Yea...yea, that was a great series.

Eh, I could've do better.Writey Guy

...........So.......I guess this is goodbye.....

No, you can't leave! You have so many friends here! You can't leave me here all alone.Shiki

.......Yea, I'll manage.

This is it. The end.

The end

Anybody else notice this?

(No? Just me? Fine, I'll explain.) Ooh, achievement unlocked. Anyway, let me explain: the Nerd made a new video. Nothing special, but look carefully. See it? Yep: Cyborg Justice, the game I absolutely HATE, made a guest appearence. I assume that after this was filmed, Rolfe washed his hand in a vain effort to wash away any horrible memories of this game that he may have. Don't get me wrong, there are games I actually like. Like F-Zero X, which I just beat recently. There were a variety of characters in the game, but I chose Captain Falcon. Why? Aside from a stupid joke I won't mention, there's also the fact that I think he's related to Captain Crunch. And that I'm the type of person who only plays as the character he knows. Anyway, the main thing that separates this game from all others is the ball-busting sense of speed. Now keep that "ball-busting" part in mind for later. Back to the speed, this game is fast. You'll often find yourself blasting at 800 miles an hour, watching the road below you zoom past (which really helps you forget the murder). How do they do this? Well, the graphics had to take a cutback. The ships are simplistic and the backgrounds can be a bit medioce, given the fact that they were 2D sprites. But they still look decent from an artistic perspective, if that makes sense. What I mean is that the sci-fi badass nature of the game wasn't marred by the graphics. The music is the same, consisting of super-badass-macho-manly-Republican-badass-F-Zero remixes from the original. To sum that part up, you should be listening to THIS throughout the race. So there's good music, solid racing, and OK graphics. I guess that wr-no, wait, I forgot one thing. Remember the "ball-busting" part I mentioned earlier? Well, this game is ball-bustingly HARD. Even on the standard difficulty, I was having my ass handed to me. There are 30 cars on the track at all times, you get sent back to the end of the line if you get in first, and the controls are a bit weird. See, the boost button is on the B button (for boost), rather than the Z button, which would make sense. So where's the brake? C-down. That's not even used for main gameplay, that's camera control! But I still managed to beat it, probably because I'm a dirty boost whore. As soon as the second lap begins, I mash the B button until I'm near death. From a broken hand. Because this game is so hard. Ball Bustingly Hard....Award.

Which explains why I went with a somewhat easier game for the second one. Alien Syndrome, an old school shooter for the Sega Master System, NES, Game Gear, Commodore 64, CPC, arcade, abacus, and a few mediocre recent remakes. So it's prolific and has significance in the modern world. Is there more to it? Yes and no. See, your goal is to rescue all the hostages on a certain space station. I don't see why you need to rescue them, since they're already moribund, but whatever, I'll play along. But what are you rescuing them from? Aliens, you fool. And you have to kill them all with a simple gun with three simple modes: pea-gun "please kill me off mid boss battle" mode, laser "please kill me off mid boss battle" mode, and fire "please burn the aliens' faces off" mode. The game is really simple like this, and easy to grasp. The only thing that needs explaining is the controls: the pause button was on the console, so Sega, in all their wisdom, decided to make the unused button a pause button that brings up the status screen. I love this, since it means I don't have to get up to pause the game. Yes, I'm lazy. But the game itself I only like, since there are still flaws in it. For example, when you die, you get sent back to the beginning with the pea-gun. Fair enough, but this is also true for boss battles. There are no power ups for boss battles, meaning you have to kill the boss within the time limit using a piece of crap super soaker. What happens if you don't? THE STATION BLOWS UP. These aliens don't f*ck around; the timer here is apparently some sort of bomb, which explains why you have to rescue these guys. So I give it the Roundabout Explanation Award, since it explained why I'm rescuing hostages. But what the hell's with the title? Alien Syndrome? That sounds like a horrible disease! Imagine what it'd be like to hear your doctor telling you that you have alien syndrome!....

So, my ch-oh, not you again!Dr Don Mario

What the hell's wrong with me? And since when did you become a doctor, I thought you were in the mafia.

I don't have enough time to answer your first question, but I will say that there's a lot of money to be made in this business. Drug peddling, blackmailing my customers...Dr Don Mario


Yes, yes, now you have been complaining of chest pains recently.Dr Don Mario

Yea, and there are these weird growths. *awkwardly pulls off cloak*

Christ, you're ugly. *examines growths* Yep, you've got alien syndrome.Dr Don Mario

Wait, what's alien syndrome? Is that good?

No, not at all. According to this paper, you'll slowly turn into an alien.Dr Don Mario

Yea, that helps a lot. I'm already an alien, sort of. What type, from what perspective?

I think those alien things from the movie....*tries to remember, remembers*...Alien. Now, treatment is e-Dr Don Mario

Wait, hold on. *snatches clipboard* You're making this crap up so y-*gets shot in arm, cringes in pain*

Ooh, you're going to need an x-ray. Let me add that to your bill.Dr Don Mario

Oh, and might as well stuff this in: happy St. Patrick's Day. You can celebrate by reading my St. Patrick's Day Saga. Now off with you, for I have...things to do.

700 video games! That's right: I BEAT 700 VIDEO GAMES!!! Another party!

(Why? I'm awesome, that's why, shut the hell up.) How many video games have you beaten?...Pitiful. You know nothing of the big 700. Reaching that number is like your first time having sex. Times a million billion. Time slows down, and even the crappiest games are a little bit better. Except for Cyborg Justice. However, there is one bad thing about today: I have to review mediocre games. First one is HyperZone, a launch title for the original SNES. Why did I say original? Well, they remade it years later and called it the GBA :P. Back to HyperZone, it was also one of the few games early in the SNES's life that used Mode 7, that mode which allowed pseudo-3D effects. HyperZone whores out this concept, making the entire game just a Mode 7 tech demo. Which is what it should've been, not a full fledged game. You see, in this game, you shoot the hell out of anything in your path, Space Harrier flyle. The only difference is that you're limited to a certain part of the track at all times; navigate away from that part, and you get shocked to death. your health bar slowly (only not really) ebbing away. Yes, you have health in this game, and that's just about it. You only get one gun, one ship, and no power ups through all 8 levels. Sure, you get to charge it, but there are very few situations where charging is a good idea. A few boss battles, but that's it. As you can see, the game is stupidly simplistic. And that's the problem: I feel like there should be more to it, but there isn't. They could've added some homing missiles, spread shots, or even an accelerator (you have brakes, only used when you're over healing spots), but none of that is here. The graphics are also stupidly simplistic, looking like Paladin's Quest. However, unlike Paladin's Quest, I'll let that slide because A: it's a launch title, and B: it's Mode 7, neutralizing the effect. The music is just like the rest of the game: very simplistic, consisting of nothing more than drums and trumpets. Apparently, this wasn't limited to early JRPGs for the system. HyperZone had it, but trumpets have no place in the future. Read the Star Wars space-flying-intro thing. To wrap up this unwieldy review, the game should've been nothing more than a tech demo for trade shows at the time; there's far too little material here to make a full game. Imagine if I tried to review this game in proper review format (AKA "not a blog"). That would result in a HyperZone-esque review. So I give it the Russian Doll Award.

Now I know this is going to be hard, but remember back to th-NO LOOKING!-the beginning of this blog. Remember how I said I was going to review mediocre games? Well, here's the next one, only I kinda liked it: World of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. The title's a misnomer, since you barely see Donald Duck throughout the entire game. The story follows as thus: Mickey and Donald are getting ready for a magic show, and Donald somehow gets trapped in another world. Mickey goes in after him, somehow lacking the magic abilities to wield a golden key, beat the piss out of teen idols, and grow to gargantuan proportions to level an entire city in flame. However, he does have a magic cloak, and unlike the Mickey from Castle of Illusion, this does not require ammo. Already, this version is better. However, there is one weakness to the cloak: it f'ing sucks. The range is short, and there are several enemies that require multiple hits, but in a weird way. Some are normal, others require that second hit while they're in their flashing invincibility stage. The platforming itself is pretty decent, levels being more creative than they were in Castle. The only problem comes with what are loosely called "power-ups." At the end of every boss level, you get a new ability. However, they only come up when absolutely needed, and don't amount to much. Mickey says "alakazam" (because this couldn't fit), you press a button, and a flying thing appears. They're pretty shallow and uncreative, so why bother? The graphics are decent, and the music has that Disney feel, so at least it's good from an aesthetic point of view. But the gameplay could've been better. Again, power-ups. Maybe a Donald Duck mode, but I can deal with what I get. What I got was good, but not great. As I've nothing else to say, I give it the Mickey Mouse Fighting Game Award. And now...we party!....Where the hell is everybody?

This is everybody. I thought you remembered.Queen

What? You mean this is everybody?

Yea, sucks. Especially since I'm the type of guy who makes conversation with the wall the whole time, avoiding any type of human contact.Writey Guy

...Learn the art of subtlety. God, this sucks! Tell me we have the band!

Yes, we have the band, but...Queen

*does that "hand countdown from 3" move*Writey Guy

Shiki was invited, somehow. And Eggman drank the keg dry.Queen

That's it. This party's a failure.

Don't say that! You c-*gets beaten up by guards*Shiki

Well, that's about as good as it gets.....Now what the hell do we do?

Well, you can always entertain yourself by making others feel inferior.Queen

Pretty good idea. Hey Writey Guy, how many games have y-

We're the same person, you idiot.Writey Guy

Oh, right. Hey Vanessa, how many h-

Last I checked, it was around 300,000. Then again, I did have several thousand years as a head-start.Queen

Well, this is a bust. What about you pathetic souls reading this? Please, type in some tiny number so that I may sardonically laugh at your wildly inferior talents. And please post under the delusion that you may come close to my godly greatness. *transforms into monkey from Treasure Hunter G, sits down, looks at watch* I'm waiting.

The gaming greatness saga, part 3: mentioned on GameSpot.

(And not in somebody's blog comments, either.) No, this time, it actually matters (even if the concept is exactly the same, as you will soon see :P). Remember how two blogs ago, I celebrated becoming a Top 500 reviewer? Well, it seems I was mentioned in a GameSpot article for one of my kickass reviews! Yay! Weird as it was for them to discuss a review I had just finished (there was about a few hours between the review and the article), I'm still gonna party! JOIN IN!!! We have food, games, music, and gladiator combat! Oh, and I'll be in the corner, complaining about games with Writey Guy, as I always do. The game this time? Animaniacs, a Konami game based off the show we all watched as children. Except me, because my TV was stuck on Nickelodeon until 1998. Like many cartoon-based games, this one borrows plot details from the source material. The plot follows as this: the Brain is alone and without a date on Saturday night again, and decides on a new and rather circuitous way to conquer the world: steal a movie script, make a lot of money from it, and use that to buy the world, I guess. It seems rather lazy, and that's because it is rather lazy. However, there's a reason Konami chose to go with the movie script thing: to shoehorn a bunch of crap movie parodies in the game. However, the Animaniacs get word of this from the executive man, and must now collect all 24 pieces of the script. And it's not like I thought, where you just play through 24 movie themed levels and remake the script piece by piece: you must physically collect 24 script pieces (I'm guessing they're just single sheets of the script) scattered across a handful of levels. The ending you get depends on how many of them you collect, which leads me to believe that Konami was trying to make a ridiculously short game longer through Metroidian techniques. But wait, things get worse! Remember in Sonic Heroes, how there was a 3 character gameplay system that made you switch characters on the fly to solve puzzles? Well, the same system was used here, only there's really no reason to change characters. None of them have any special abilities over the others, meaning you can just play through the entire game as one character. The only reason the others are there are to act as extra lives and act as a makeshift platform. The extra lives feature isn't needed, since the game passes out free continues like candy, and I didn't die that often, even with the fat security guard chasing my ass (probably because he thought I was shoplifting from the on-site mini-mall). Other than that, there's not much to say. The music's not memorable, the graphics are OK, the combat's crap, and the levels serve their purpose: take shots at some random movie. So I give it the What the Hell Did You Expect Award.

The same principle applies to the next game, the only difference being that it's kinda OK, I guess. The game: Streets of Rage on the Sega Master System. The reason they ported this game over to the Master System was probably because Brazil loved the thing so damn much. Anyway, you know the story: corrupt crime mayor guy has control of the city, and you, one of three amoral police officers, must beat the hell out of thugs until the problem is magically solved. By magically, of course, I mean violently. It is your job to make sure no jawbone is left functioning, no scrotum left unharmed. There are a variety of weapons you can use, like a steel pipe, a knife, a bat, a broken beer bottle, and generally everything else your testicles fear are hiding under the bed at night. The combat itself is pretty good; there are a variety of moves, and they're all fun to use and easy to pull off. The only exception is the special move, where your backup nukes the hell out of your foes, somehow keeping you out of the line of fire. It took me a long time to figure out how the hell you pull it off, since it isn't just "hold down attack" or "hit attack and jump simultaneously." No, you have to pause the game to use your special move. Yea, that's easy to figure out. Also, the bosses are just far, far too easy. They have predictable patterns, and you can usually beat them by tapping the attack button. Have you ever seen a boxing match where one opponent stood still, threw weak jabs at the other shirtless man, and did so until he won? No, because that would be lame. However, the rest of the game is decent, especially when you look at it in terms of how faithful it was to the Genesis original. All the levels are intact, bit by bit, you have all three characters, and did I mention the graphics? Put simply (unlike something to follow), they're awesome. I'm going to say that this game has the best graphics for the Master System. So I give it the Downtown Nekketsu Monogatari Award. If you don't get that reference, then you probably didn't read past the title of my previous blog. So go back and read it, then read the following dialogue sequence, then this portion of the blog, then the previous blog again, and what the hell, why not read the ingredients on the back of your milk carton. You'd be surprised ;). mu-*switches to the appropriate music*-much longer 'til we reach this damn Ruler of Evil?

We've already reached him, sort of.Queen

Hey, what are these humans doing here!?Random Tiger Guard

They musn'-*both get gutted by Burger Fox, silence fills the air*Random Rhino Guard


Aw, did we wake you up? Look, I beat you before, and I can do it again. *group fights Satan Claus, barely wins*

Keep in mind that he killed us both before.Burger Fox

Shut up, we b-

Oh, come on! How could our Ruler of Evil die so easily? Cu-Sephiroth

*rushes in* Thir, there'th thomething happening with Aerith.Monster Lackey

What? *demon repeats it again, but without lisp* WHAT!? *rushes to Rosaville*Sephiroth

Oh crap, Sephiroth's here! Quick, he's gonna go Sephiroth on our asses! *humans leave*Human Villager

Sephy...please don't blame them...they aren't all that bad...*dies in timely fashion*Aeris

...I swear to your dead body, Aeris...that I'll kill every single one of these bastards who killed you!Sephiroth

*wakes up from dream* Huh? He going the Anakin route? Who would've thought the Darth Vader-esque character could do such a thing?

In case you're confused, here's the synopsis: the fight and the few lines after it are real; the village scene is the dream.

Oh, and an additional note: the latest South Park was surprisingly good. Now, the Jonas Brothers: just hearing the name fills my soul with so much hatred, ire, animosity, rage, and hatred, that you could mistake me for the late Satan Claus (if he shaved, patched up his wounds, and lost weight). However, there was one thing that changed that all: Mickey Mouse. Simply put, he makes Don Mario look tame. Or, simplier put, he makes a mob boss look like a kitten. Oh, and the themes on how promoting abstinence only serves to place sex into the forefront of our thoughts is also pretty good, even if Russell Brand did it on the same network days earlier. Since this has nothing to do with a video game at all, I'm keeping it short, and ending it here.

Let us have a gamer-off! Rules inside.

(These are the rules: name the most obscure game you know, see if anybody knows what you're talking about.) If they do, you lose. Imagine a gamer version of Balderdash, only much more pathetic. If you need an example, then this counts as your video. Oh, and in that example, you may have noticed me naming something by the name of Downtown Nekuku Morasomething. Whatever, I just call it River City Ransom, because that's what it is: a Turbo-CD remake of the original game. As was the case before, you play as Tony, and the Sharks have captured Maria. They leave you a ransom note (hence the name), and you have to rescue them. But there are more gangs than there were when she last felt oh so pretty, and these gangs don't f*ck around! They'll use brass knuckles, chains, bats, anything they can find to kill you with. You have them, too, but you have to beat the crap out of enemies to get them, and this is where the game works really, really well. Fighting is easy, controls excellently, and, most importantly, is incredibly fun. There are a variety of moves and weapons to use, and nothing is more satisfying than beating the hell out of your enemies with your enemies. Picture Cyborg Justice, but nowhere near as awful. The only problem with the combat is when you buy Stone Hands, Dragon Kick, or Grand Slam. Basically, these moves allow you three punches/kicks/weapon hits. I can understand why they make enemies easy, since they die easily anyway, but not bosses! I shouldn't be able to beat them with a turbo button and very heavy Legos! However, combat is still fun as hell, and so is the exploration. Levels aren't linear, like in most beat-em-ups. You have to find your way around, buying food and new moves. It makes the experience much more believable and lends credence to the RPG aspect (you can always pretend that's you running around, beating people up). However, all of this merely applies to the NES version. That was great, no doubt, but this is the Turbo CD version, and it has several improvements, Besides improved graphics, the game's sound is excellent. Music is orchestrated (or as close as you can come on early CD based consoles), and the game features VOICE ACTING. Yes, an old school beat em up made in 1993 features VOICE ACTING! Again, it adds to the realistic, RPG-esque feel to the game. Yea, it's in Japanese, so what? I can at least imagine what they'd say, I'm not a moron. Overall, it's a great game that only became better with the leap to the PC Engine CD. So I give it the Oh So Prettier Award :P.

However, I don't always play good games. Sometimes I stumble across flaming turds, and sometimes I know these games suck, but play them anyway! Take this Flintstones game I played, the only reason I used to justify it being that it appeared on one of those Top 10 GameFAQs lists. Weak, right? Alright, let's get this over with. You play as both Fred and Barney, each on a quest to rescue their dumb as hell or incredibly violent children. Both characters have their own special abilities: Fred can climb up nearby ledges in a slow and laborious process. I could go to the bathroom in the time it takes this guy to climb a ledge. I'll attribute it to the smoking. Barney...well, he's useless. He can shoot long distances (Fred is stuck with his sterotypical caveman club), but he's apparently shooting crumpled up notebook paper, because these shots do absolutely nothing. Good luck taking on the bosses with these peashots. Most of them fall victim to Fred's charge shot (yes, he can channel his anger into his club, somehow), but the final boss is a pain in the ass. Back to Barney, he can also climb across wire, a process that is MUCH MUCH MUCH worse than climbing ledges. Sure, he can move across them while hanging on, but getting up is a pain in the ass. You have to press up and jump with very odd timing that I never understood, and when you're up there, you can't move. So what's the point? You can jump, but that's far too haphazard. If I can't get on the platform effectively, what chance do I have of making it to another platform? The final level expects you to know this, accept it, and apply it WITHIN A TIME LIMIT. Do it too late, and you die. What kind of crap is that? At least the graphics are OK. They resemble the cartoon, and it generally looks pleasing. The only weird thing is that when you press the down button, your characters don't crouch. Instead, they pull their heads inside themselves, almost like they got their heads cut off. It seems weird and counter-intuitive, but it never really got in the way for me. At least not as bad as the unskippable, slow as all hell text. Ugh. Screw it, I don't wish to remember this average game anymore. Let's end with the Go Yabba Yabba Award. You get it? No? Screw you, I give it to you. You have gotten it. And now you get something else: to sit the hell down, shut the hell up, and read my dialogue sequence!

Hey Mario, what the crap is going on with this race?Writey Guy

Why, whatever could you be talking about?Don Mario

You know, the fact that this is taking place on Moo Moo Farms.

It would do you two good to not question the Don. Now take your places at the starting line.Luigi

On your marks, get set...just go, I don't care.Don Mario

*gains lead, sees cows ahead* Oh, that's why he put us here. Screw that, then. *pulls out Buster Sword, slices up some cow patties*

Isn't he chea-*gets blasted away by a Monty Mole*Shiki

I hate to agree with her, but wasn't that cheating.Writey Guy

Hey!....How the hell did you get so close t-*gets blasted away by a green shell*

That's fur killin' ma cows!Random Farmer

You should be thanking me for pre-meating your stupid cows!

Vincent! What the hell are you still doing on my track!?Don Mario

Still? What do you m-oh crap, I lost.

Of course you lost. Just as I thought.Don Mario

Hey, you wanna try racing? Huh?

No, I only drive vehicles with mounted hitmen.Don Mario

Celebratory reviewer's emblem blog!

(I usually don't blog about things like this, but it's a special occasion for me.) Why? Well, in case the title wasn't enough of a dead giveaway, here's another hint, straight from my inbox:

Yep, I became a Top 500 reviwer. Yays are in order. I'd do thanks, but that's a bit cliche. So instead, I'll use this blog as a party. There's pizza, booze, and free battlesuits! Plus I'm going to post each of my reviews again! But there's a catch: I've abbreviated them to one panel. Behold!

Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones:

Sonic Rush:

Kingdom Hearts II:

Fire Emblem: Seisen no Keifu:

Mega Man X3:

Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles:

Super Smash Bros. Melee:

Yea, I'm not too happy with that review in particular. I know that some of my reviews aren't good, but that one was the most crap. Moving on, Devil May Cry 3:

Final Fantasy III:

Final Fantasy II:

Fire Emblem: Monshou no Nazo:

Mega Man: The Wily Wars:

Ice Climer:

Super Paper Mario:

Final Fantasy XII:

Samurai Shodown:

Super Smash Bros. Brawl:

Final Fantasy VIII:

Final Fantasy X:

Metal Gear Solid:

Cyborg Justice:

Final Fantasy IX:

Mother 3:

Paladin's Quest:

Ninja Gaiden II:

Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts:

Prince of Persia:

And here's a bonus preview of my next review. Yes, I just won't quit! It's Silent Hill!

So that's every review I've ever written in the almost 6 years I've been on the site. In order. Now enjoy the beer and pizza while I bask in the inevitable praise.

Yes, this one is very late, but it needs to be noticed.

(Plus I've essentially been using my YouTube account as playlist, so I don't have many videos.) But the one I do have is pretty damn good. It needs no explaining, so I won't explain it. Here it is, I don't need to explain it. What I do need to explain is why this blog is a bit late. I was suspended, and I'll leave it at that. No, wait, I have something to add: I followed the rules, it was not fair, let's move on with our f'ing lives. How do we move on? If you don't see the next portion of this blog coming...get out. Seriously, just leave. For those who stayed, you get a review of Parasol Stars: The Story of Bubble Bobble III. Dear god, does this story NEVER END!? Apparently not, even if the third one doesn't feature the two dragons. Instead, you play as a tiny little fatass. Whatever, at least he shoots bubbles, right? No, he kills enemies with a parasol. Sounds weird, but bear with it, since it's pulled off pretty well. You can use it to throw enemies at other enemies, as a shield, and to build up elemental bubbles. Yea, remember in the original Bubble Bobble, you had those bubbles that shot fire, a rush of water, or flames? Well, they're back, but this time, you have to charge them up before they're of any use. It works well in boss battles (which are easy anyway, so who gives a crap?), but not so much for the other billion levels. In order to use them outside boss battles, you have to collect five bubbles, meaning you sit in the same spot, collecting bubbles and hoping nothing comes near you. Other than that, the game is good, but not as decent as the previous Bubble Bobbles. The graphics are better, even when you factor out the console difference. There are some pretty complex animations on display that bump up my image of the TurboGrafx-16. However, the music is not as lucky. Everybody knows the Bubble Bobble theme by heart (if they're a gamer, that is. You are a gamer, aren't you?), but listen to this. Does that sound nearly as catchy as this? Not even close. Despite a mediocre theme, Parasol Stars is pretty good, so I give it the Falcor Award in Honor of a Story that will NEVER EVER F'ING END!

Fortunately, the Alex Kidd series ended, and it ended long, long ago. It ended before he could even die in 3D, like Sonic. Many people think he died in the Enchanted Castle (the game I'm going to review, if you didn't catch on by now), but I believe he started dying around the second game. Don't get me wrong, this game isn't good; it's pretty mediocre. Like the previous Alex Kidd games, Monkey Boy has to rescue his dad and his kingdom, using the power of rock/paper/scissors. Yes, they had to include Roshambo in this again, and not even the good kind. In order to buy anything in this game, you have to play a game of rock/paper/scissors. You select your choice, Alex says jan-ken-po (a nice touch), and an anvil kills somebody. At first, I thought it was just betting, but then later I figured out that this is how you get power-ups. It doesn't matter, since quite a few of them are crap. Some are unruly and hard to control (more on that later), while others are completely useless. I still have no idea what the necklace does, and I got to the end of the game with quite a few of them. It was hard to get to the end of the game, though, due to bad controls. Yes, this is the biggest flaw of the game: bad controls. Moving feels really, really slippery, and Alex slides a bit after stopping. In a game where precision is needed to jump from platform to platform, this understandably pisses me off to the nth degree. N, of course, stands for Nerd. And when you jump, you kinda do this karate kick thing that can break blocks. Good for when you're trying to move ahead, bad when trying to jump on a small but nearby platform. There are other nuisances, like how you're always floating up while swimming or how the hoverbike thing requires you to mash your controller into oblivion, but I have another complaint: the sh*tty music. Oh god, the music is horrible. It's not the worst I've heard (that goes to the crap from Cyborg Justice and Paladin's Quest), but just listen to it! It sounds like electronic bird farts! While the rest of the game just reaches almost-mediocre, the music is awful. So awful, it earns the Electronic Bird Fart Award.......Aw hell, how do you transition out of Electronic Bird Fart? Simple: you don't. So I'll use a favorite technique of mine: jump into the dialogue sequence with complete disregard to connecting it to the rest of the damn blog. So without further ado (because more ado would spoil the blog), Dragon Quest IV dialogue sequence!

Can somebody explain why we skipped a huge portion of the game to get to the Monster Castle?Queen

We should go back and get the Zenithian Equipment. It is the only way to destroy the Ruler of Evil. *Writey Guy writes himself up the equipment*Burger Fox

OK, fine, but how do we get inside? We don't have that rod which turns us into old ladies.Queen

You forgot about my special powers, didn't you? Lemme handle it. *transforms into Heartless, enters castle* Hey, fellow monster. I want to scare the piss out of these humans, and I figure the best way is to show them that Psaro dude.

Alright, fine. Just go sit in the auditorium and wait nine hours for him to show up.The Monster

*group waits, Sephiroth descends into auditorium*

This is our Psaro? Hell, I could make a better Psaro!Kuja

Somebody silence the....what the hell are you, anyway? Not quite monkey, not quite man, not quite woman...seriously, what the hell are you supposed to be? Moving on, my fellow monsters, something great has happened: those stupid humans uncovered our great Ruler of Evil!Sephiroth


Where have you been? It's our dark lord Satan Claus! My fellow monsters, let us go to our ruler! *monsters get excited, jump off balcony to their deaths in fit of idiocy* Goddamnit. *teleports to Mamon Mine*Sephiroth

:o Did you hear that? That mean man is going to revive Satan Claus! Somebody should stop him! *I get within inches of beating the hell out of Shiki*Shiki

*restrains me* You've got more important things to do than beat up a Japanese teenager with deadly dolls.Queen

Didn't see the Rhapsody in Poo coming, did you?

I think Bart247's gonna like this blog. Why?

(I'm reviewing a Klonoa game, and he loves Klonoa.) Kinda like how he loves torturing Tails. Now before I review the games, I'll show you something I stumbled across, as I often do. It's a remix of an FF7 song, and I know what you're thinking: we have enough sh*tty FF7 remixes. However, this guy I found actually has some pretty decent remixes that SERVE A PURPOSE. Here's an example. That out of the way? Good, let's get right to Klonoa. The first thing you'll notice when you start the game is the cute graphics. The game looks so sickeningly cute, sweet, and sugary, that I'm going to have my legs chopped off due to adult onset diabetes. It's obviously meant to appeal to little kids, and it works. The art direction is colorful and cheery, almost like it's trying to cover up for its technical flaws. From a technical standpoint, the graphics are kinda average. You can see the polygons, the fact that characters are rendered as sprites limits their animations, and textures can be pretty simplistic. The CGI cutscenes are fantastic, but this is the first time I've ever been able to see polygons in CGI. Other than that, I've seen much worse CGI. As I said before, this game was meant for kids, but unlike other kids only ilk (I could just provide the last three links I used before. Sad, isn't it?), this is actually really, really good. Like Kirby 64, the game is rendered in 3D, but is limited to the 2D plane. Kinda. See, unlike Kirby 64, the game makes use of the fact that it's in 3D. Paths will overlap or be shown in the background, and sometimes you can jump onto another path and pretty much change planes. Pretty sweet, and used to great effect. Hell, just look at this boss battle for an example. I'd say the same thing of the combat system, but I'd be somewhat lying. You shoot a bullet at enemies in order to grab them, but sometimes I found it to be too short. Anyway, when you grab them, they become balloons or something that you can shoot at enemies/switches, use as a shield, or jump off of. The major problem? You can only shoot on the horizontal axis (an axis that doesn't curve), meaning no throwing up and down. I don't need up, but I need down. So how do I get down? Use the double jump from before. But what if there's an enemy above you? See why I don't like the lack of vertical shooting? Pressing up or down just aims you toward or away from the screen. I've heard people complain that the game is short and linear and easy, but what the hell do you expect? The game was obviously made for kids, and if I'm a good example, then kids lack a lot of skill in video games. Back in the day, it was considered the holiest achievement known to man if you could beat Rainbow Bowser. Yes, we called him Rainbow Bowser, since he kinda looked like Bowser viewed from a puddle of used oil. Back to Klonoa, it's a great PS1 platformer that knew its audience. And still does, which is why I give it the I Can't Wait Until May Award.

But I have to, so I might as well bide my time with game reviews. I do not think I've told anybody here my standards for what a good game is, and even though you can figure out a lot of them, I will tell you some anyway out of pure narcissism. One thing I like in games (besides consistency) is when a game questions any of my predetermined notions. Crusader of Centy (named Soleil in Europe) did this, the major thing being the enemies you fight. You kill enemies all the time, never once thinking of the lives they lead or their motives or anything. The people at Atlus (or Sega, I don't know) thought that maybe video game enemies were getting a bad reputation, and decided to set the record straight in Centy. Enemies are referred to as "monsters" (quotations included) and are depicted with generally normal lives, made worse only by the presence of humans. They remind me of tamer versions of the dinosaurs from Chrono Trigger. Humans, by contrast, are massive *ssholes. who kill monsters out of a blind sense of heroism. They would punch a baby if there were a medal for it. It works really, really, well, one of the best moments being when YOU become a monster. When you're a monster (for about 20 minutes) the other "hero" (apparently, the kingdom sends out a billion heroes instead of an army) rams into you several times until you die. The rest of the story is pretty good, but the translation is mediocre. The European version is better, but I was playing the American version, meaning I got hilarious lines like this, this, and Sonic the Hedgehog. The actual gameplay is a shameless rip-off of Zelda, but that doesn't make it bad. Seriously, what was the last bad Zelda knockoff...besides Ys? Of course, Centy has its fair amount of changes. For example, you can throw your sword like a boomerang. And on boomerangs, this little aside:

I've never understood why people use boomerangs as weapons. I know that they return when thrown, but simple physics states that this will NEVER happen if you're gonna hit something. If you're going to throw something at your enemies, why not a shuriken or throwing star or spear? And if most hunting boomerangs are just knives bent into boomerang shapes, wouldn't that "returning to you" thing kinda backfire?

Back to the review, your main character can also jump and use his animal friends to help solve rudimentary puzzles. The focus of Centy seems to be more on the character's abilities than it is on puzzles. Most of the abilities are straightfoward (jump, run faster, control your sword's throwing path), but a few could use better execution. Throwing your sword is used quite often, but the major problem is that certain animals keep you from moving while your sword is airborne. You can rotate (if that counts for anything), but you can't move. I can see why they'd do this with the butterfly, since he allows you to control the sword's flight, but the other guys don't allow me to move. Enemies still move, but I'm glued to the floor. Other than that, I can't think of many complaints. The animation is decent, the music is good (if not memorable), and the plot actually makes you think twice before killing off that nameless soldier. He may have kids to feed, you know. So I give Crusader of Centy the Baby Punchingly Good Award. Now if you'll excuse me, me and Writey Guy have a race to participate in.

I'm racing with a genetic combination of Speedy Gonzales, Roadrunner, and Sonic the Hedgehog. *unveils creature*Writey Guy

My god, that's horrible. I'm going Final Fantasy VII.

You mean that motorycle m-Writey Guy

Racers, to your starting positions! Get set...*shoots Writey Guy's creature and my tires*Don Mario


I thought you said this was a fair race!

You actually believed that? I think I lost respect for you.Don Mario

Ugh. *rewinds time to before everything was shot, gets fair start*

*gets lead* Wow, I'm actually winning something! Kiss my ass!Writey Guy

Don Mario, things are not going as you planned. Shall I release the lightning?Luigi

No. Release the hounds.Don Mario

*hounds run onto course* What the f*ck!? I don't remember this from any of the Mario Karts. *gets torn to shreds, ends up in last place*

Don Mario, that Writer still won. It wasn't Toad. The betters will surely riot.Luigi

You forget that we have three more races to rig, brother.Don Mario

Yea, I kinda improvised the whole thing. Still, it was....alright, the race sucked :(.

I'm a better gamer than you, and I have 10 reasons why.

(I just haven't beaten them yet.) That's right, I am 10 games away from 700. A superb milestone in gaming, as is every 100 games beaten. Hell, the fact that I've beaten 100 games alone makes me better than this "gamer". But enough of this, because I have two games to review, both of which proving that I am a better gamer than you :P (get used to that, you'll see it throughout the rest of the blog). The first game is Thunder Force IV, called Lightening Force in America for some weird reason. Things did not start off well with this game, and I mean that literally. The intro music sounds a helluva lot like Doom, even though Doom would not come out for several more months. However, once I played it, I found Lightening Force (screw it, I'll just call it Thunder Force IV from now on) to be a pretty good game. Like III, Thunder Force IV allows you to choose your starting levels, although it doesn't go all out, like Mega Man or Cocoron. If you're gonna do a feature like that, at least commit to it. Other than that, the game is still pretty good. The levels are pretty well designed, stuffed with environmental hazards and enough background to fill 2-3 screens. Plus the visual design is fantastic, given that it can look like this. Pretty as it is, though, the gameplay falls a bit short. As always, you get a selection of weapons to choose from, including an ass shot, something that obliterates the walls, and a gun specifically designed to get you killed as quickly as possible. However, once you get the homing weapon, you may as well not even bother with the other weapons. Yea, it doesn't work too well in the hit-or-miss boss battles, but it still works. I'd be more inclined to change weapons if there was some sort of time limit, but the lack of one makes me stick with the homing weapon. Speaking of time limits, the game is short. I finished it in a few days, and the lack of alternate difficulties, endings, weapons, or levels means you only play it once before selling it on eBay. So I give it the Apparently not a Misspelled Word Award.

Now then, back to the matter at hand: why I'm a better gamer than you. Well, here's another reason: I beat a video game entirely in Japanese. And it was an RPG. Could you please clean up your piss? I know you peed in sheer awe of that achievement. What, you want to know the game? It was Mystic Ark, the sequel to 7th Saga, made by the same people behind Brain Lord. Things aren't adding up in favor of Mystic Ark, are they? Surprisingly, Mystic Ark is leagues ahead of this game, managing to be better than both combined. Now because I played the game in Japanese, I don't know much about the story. I can guess based on what I saw in the game, my research, and YouTube. In Mystic Ark, Yu-Gi-Oh wanted some new cards, so he made Dark Magician send magical Yu-Gi-Oh cards to turn people into cards. However, Dark Magician got the spell wrong, since everybody became action figures. Yugi threw them out, a goddess cried into a fire, and you were reincarnated as a blonde androgyne. Yea, doesn't make sense, but what do you expect? The Twins from SuperJail appear in this game, no doubt in the Arena world. On a more serious note, from what I saw, the story was good, maybe. I could tell that there was something going on in each world (oh yea, there are worlds), and sometimes, I knew what the hell was happening. Now onto something I could actually grasp: the gameplay. This is where things get kinda weird. Throughout your journeys, you collect arks. You can assign them, nay, you HAVE TO assign them to certain characters or weapons, especially the characters, since that's the only way you'll use them. Only problem is when you exit the worlds: the ark effects disappear, meaning you do ALL OVER AGAIN, but only for the characters. Combat is traditional turn based, the only twist being the various skills each character has. One of them was the hero's power to send magical Yu-Gi-Oh cards at enemies, but I never used it. Instead, I just spammed the ninja's double hit move in boss battles. You can't really aim it at a specific enemy, but that doesn't matter when you're only facing one, does it? Combined with other factors, this makes most of the game easy (or as easy as an entirely-in-Japanese-JRPG can be). Yea, the final boss was a pain in the ass who dodged half of my attacks, and the adventure game elements can get tiresome, but rarely did I find myself grinding 7th Saga flyle. As you've probably already seen, the graphics are pretty good, and the music is excellent. There used to be a YouTube channel filled with it, but it got deleted for some reason. All I could find was the kickass rock music used for some boss battles. So that's Mystic Ark: a JRPG with some interesting moments, but not one you'll want to play until its translated or you learn Japanese. So I give it the One of the Best Levels in Gaming Award for the Fairytale World. What other game features the Big Bad Wolf as a boss? None, not even Mario Kart Wii! That's right, w-*hears gun cock Mario "warning" me*....I guess that means no Mario Kart :(. And please don't question anything after this sentence. Or before it. Or in it. Or.....some fourth thing...just read the damn Dragon Quest IV dialogue sequence.

*laughing* Oh Writey Guy, isn't life perfect here?Zelda

Yea....I guess...*everybody starts screaming, running in circles*Writey Guy


What's going on? What's code black?Writey Guy was rushed to a nearby basement and

Writey Guy, this is very hard for me to do, but I have to tell you that you were adopted. *transforms into Writey Guy, locks him in basement, gets self killed*Zelda

*walks out, sees carnage, silence*......(thinking of this)....*walks to nearby town, runs into Queen*Writey Guy

(flatly) Would you like your fortune, sir?....*no response*...I'll take that as a yes. *takes fortune, moves plot along* Wow, you're the fabled hero. Hey Samus, get your things! We're going on a world-saving quest!Queen

OK, I'll go get my things. *group goes on quest, gets frineds, blah blah blah, fast forward to part with King*Samus

What the hell was taking you guys so damn long?


Fine, whatever, just go in there and beat up that French lion person. *group beats French lion person, wins, walks outside and hears new overworld music* Sweet.

Hey, look everybody! I'm a real boy now! I'm a r-*gets torched by King*Pinocchio

And yet you burn just as easily. *laughs*

Stay tuned for the next blog, which is just pictures of me lighting fairy tale characters on fire for no good reason.

Finally, a game I like. The hatred has ended.

(And that good game is one you guys have heard of.) I should probably take a few anti-happy pills so that I'm at my regular level of....not-happy.....or something. Or I could just review the other game I beat. Yea, let's go with that. And by that, I mean Battletoads in Battlemaniacs, the sequel to the NES game (that Double Dragon thing was apparently a spin-off). After playing it, I found out that Rare probably should have just called it Battletoads, because that's what it is: a 16 bit version of Battletoads. Yea, there are differences, but they don't amount to much. For example, you still have to rescue a toad from the Dark Queen, but this time it's in a video game simulation or something, meaning you're playing a video game about playing a video game. But the plot remains the same: rescue toads from the Dark Queen. The gameplay remains unchanged, too. You still beat the hell out of enemies with the same moves, like the headbutt, huge foot, and beating enemies into the not in this one. Instead, your fist turns into a hammer. Again, this doesn't change much. Levels remain the same, too. I can understand taking inspiration from the previous game, but the degree to which this game does it is absolutely ridiculous. Why do we need Rat Race and Clinger Wingers almost verbatim? They're still pretty damn frustrating, as was the case in the previous game, but the rest of the game is somewhat easier. Yea, the bikes still require the clairvoyance and reflexes of a magical robot, but a lot of the game doesn't even approach the legendary difficulty of the original Battletoads. I don't know whether that's good or bad, as that depends on your perspective: hardcore gamers like me will be pissed, yet the people who can't play a video game without something catching fire will probably welcome this downgrade. I didn't, and that, combined with the overpowering sameness throughout the entire game, ruined the experience. So I give it the Capcom Award for Refusing to Change a F*cking Thing.

However, when Konami was making Silent Hill, they changed a lot of things that Capcom established in their Resident Evil line of games. Yea, not the best transition, but still better than what you could pump out. Anyway, Silent Hill has convinced me to love Konami, especially from the PlayStation era. They were making quality titles faster than Psycho Mantis could tell you how much you loved Castlevania. Back to Silent Hill, it's a horror game like Resident Evil, only much better. It takes place in the scariest part of America (New England and, somehow, Colorado) the protagonist has a reasonable motivation to be in the town, unlike the characters of Resident Evil, who should have realized something was f*cked up when they were being attacked by rubber dogs. Now you guys should know how I instantly hate video game characters who lose their girlfriends to bad guys and find it easier to kill millions of clones in order to save her than just talk to women, and while Silent Hill protagonist Harry Mason is facing a similar predicament, the fact that it was his daughter who was captured somewhat complicates the "move on with your f'ing life" mantra of this blog :P. There are other characters in the game, like Lisa, Cybil, and Dahlia, but you rarely see any of them, and that's part of why the game works: most of the game is spent alone, and the fact that everything wants you dead kinda detracts from any trust you've established with any character. The atmosphere also works to establish a scary environment. The camera will sometimes do these weird tricks, you can't see anything through the fog of the town, and environments will randomly change for little reason. On that last one, however, the game seems to screw up. See, around the time I was exploring the hospital, I discovered a pattern: go to a random facility, explore it a bit, somehow make everything become dark and scary, solve a few more puzzles, make things go back to normal, go to another building, repeat. That is not scary. Fear arises from spontaneity, and being able to predict what will happen completely ruins it. Still kinda scary, but not as scary as it could be. Wow, I haven't even touched the gameplay or sound, both of which are pretty damn important. Might as well do the gameplay. You run around creepy environments, shooting/bludgeoning enemies and solving puzzles, just like in Resident Evil. But unlike Resident Evil, everything has been imrpoved. Environments are now in complete 3D, making controls a LOT easier, and you don't have a limited inventory this time, meaning you don't have to manage your inventory. At all. Yay. Speaking of items/puzzles, the puzzles in this game tend to make a bit more sense. Yea, you still have ones that seem to have been created by the Riddler, but more often than not, you'll see ones that make sense. Combat is also improved, I don't know what everybody is complaining about. Killing things can be pretty easy, yet beating a nurse to death with a steel pipe fits the mood of desperation quite nicely. Moving on, the sound direction is good, but not without its flaws. Whenever an enemy approaches, you'll hear a phone ring, as if it's 1984. At first I thought it was a glitch or something, but then I checked my inventory and found out that it was my radio going off, which still didn't make much sense. Other than that, the sound direction is pretty damn good, like the carousel music during the Cybil boss battle (which is one of the best in all of video games, I might add). So are there any flaws? Well, it's short. I beat it in four and a half hours, and the possibility of multiple endings isn't very enticing. It never is. And on endings, I got the bad ending, and it seemed to add insult to injury by featuring CGI of every character in the game striking the stupidest pose. Plus the voice acting is kinda mediocre, which is sad for a Konami game. Other than that, Silent Hill is a great game that you should definitely get. I give it the One of the Top 10 Boss Battles Ever Award. You know what else was an excellent boss battle? That one against Necrosaro/Death Pisaro/Psaro the Manslayer. Yes, you can see where I'm going with this: Chapter Four of my DQ4 parody.

*Samus is dancing* Hey Samus! We have to go home!Queen

Huh? Now? OK. *stops dancing, goes to boss*Samus

Oh-ho-ho, heer is tohday's pay, ma petite cherries.French Boss

(confused look on face)Samus

Yoo know, I bet zat yoo are hurt-ing ovair your fathair's death.French Boss

That....that's a little personal, isn't it?Queen

Vell, no matter! Old Gustave haz just zee answair right heer....*pulls out bomb*French Boss


Eet eez zee pinnaicale of bombing technologee! Use eet on zee Havre de Laion, and your fathair shall bee avenged.Gustave

Come on, let's just get this over with. *duo goes to Palais de Leon, blows up wall, attracts attention of guards*Queen

Get zem! Zey 'ave stolen zee secret d'evolucion!Havre Leon

We better run. *both run to town half a mile away* Well, that was easy.Queen

Hey, Kuja is celebrating not having a crap job at McDonalds anymore! You girls want to go to Endor for the party?Random Guy


And so the two girls left for Endor. Samus found work as a "dancer" again, and the Queen got a job scamming people out of their money. She says it was "predicting the future", but that crap's a scam!