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UltimoIce Blog

Tubwonki

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You know, I consider myself a patient person. I am perfectly fine listening once in a while. Just letting the conversation happen, and learning a thing or two, you know?

I mean, who doesn't mind just listening to what others have to say once in a while? Oh yeah, the douchebag of the office, that's who. Every office has one, and I think my associate on these boards can agree that it gets very tiresome. Here is how every day goes:

1. Myself and a couple associates want to have a conversation.

2. We find a place to have that conversation, whether it be the break room, an office, or a hallway.

3. Mr. Douchebag conversation slut comes in, and nobody knows how he could even smell out that fun was happening somewhere.

4. Mr. Douchebag speaks as loudly as he can, interrupting the person currently talking, and drowning out any other voices until all attention is on him.

5. Mr. Douchebag talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, until everyone is bored and just walks away.

I mean, he feels like he has to not only be part of every conversation in the office, but needs to be THE conversation of the office. And it's not only just talking, it's usually a lecture of some sort. "You know, if you are looking to do your work better, here's how you should do it, because you obviously aren't competent enough to do your own job even though I have neither the skills nor background to do it." Really douchebag? How about I plant some drugs in your cube and accidentally leave an anonymous tip.There's no better cure for being a jerk than to do it to people that can assert vengeance on you in the showers.

Our personal office conversation hog also does not like to be told anything. If you manage to get a single phrase in, you will be met promptly with an "I know but..." or an "I know that...". Thus the title (think carefully about it). It has become an office inside joke.

In the least, I would expect him to take hints. You know, the fact that everybody disperses momentarily after he joins the conversation...

So to recap, every person reading this blog, please take a close look at yourself. Because if you don't have an office douchebag, you might be it. And everybody is laughing at you behind your back. This has been an Ultimo service broadcast.

Getting healthy and you.

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Is this going to be a fitness guide you wonder? Hell no. This is my blog post. What in my history makes you think you will be getting actual advice from me? I cringe at such accusations.

Instead, I plan to talk about a couple people that really piss me off when it comes to fitness.

Situation 1: The Go Getter

Go Getter: "Hey Ultimo."

Ultimo: "Yeah buddy?"

Go Getter: "I'm going to start getting healthy. I'm going to cut out junk food, lift four times a day, and be so healthy that the shear aura of my sweaty flesh can cure cancer."

Ultimo: "Please do humanity a favor and go fornicate yourself with a fire poker"

Now, it's not that I think getting healthy is wrong. But people (read: North Americans) always seems to want something instantly. I WANT FOOD NOW. I WANT MONEY NOW. I WANT ABS NOW. Seriously, shut the hell up. You know how I got healthy? I spent the past 4 years changing my life, one small step at a time.

You make one change. Something insignificant compared to the overall picture. Once you are comfortable with that, change the next thing. For me it was cutting out soda with sugar in it. Four years later I am just now starting to really see the fruits of my labor.

Situation 2: The Know-it-all

Know-it-all: "Ultimo, you are doing your workout all wrong. You should really, seriously, super seriously, really do 7.5 reps per set for two sets with your head tilted to the left while poking a festively plump German woman in the stomach with a tooth pick, and another while in front of the mirror and reciting the super protein chant from the necronomicon, and then three more sets two days later while......"

Ultimo: *facepalm*

Alright, I am the first to admit I don't know everything. But there are way too many people out there more than ready to give you their take on working out...especially if you don't ask.

And notice how most of the people willing to proudly give you diet and exercise advice are really, really out of shape? What's that know-it-all? You think I should eat fifteen meals a day of 20 grams of protein and 40 grams of carbs? Well I think you should lose weight and then think about telling me what to do. Pwnt!

Situation 3: The Deadset Body Builder

Alright, I don't even need a sarcastic subtext for this one. It's pretty obvious what this dude is like. He is the guy that is really, really ripped, and therefore thinks everyone else should be really, really ripped. Hey body builder dude, it's called heart disease, and no amount of muscle will save you from it.

Again, not saying all body builders are like this, but when one approaches me, they usually have something really stupid to say. I had one tell me that I should never worry about cardio because it only gets in the way. Another said that I should only eat carbs and protein, and take vitamins to get whatever else there is. Really guys? You may be able to rip me in half like a phone book, but I can still outrun you. Easily.

In fact, I was buying supplements one time and the guy behind the counter, although very muscular, was wheezing like he had just ran a mile when he had to walk across the store. I like muscle definition, but I also like other things...like low cholesterol. And it could be just me (and no offense to those that enjoy the look :p), but does anyone else find overly muscular people unnatural looking? I look at lineman types in college football and think, wow, people should n ot look like that. Give me a lean build anyday. To each their own!

Situation 4: The Smelly Gym Guy

You know who you are. Put on some deodorant damn it! But tell me, how does it linger for 30 minutes after you leave? That seems like it would defy some sort of law of physics.

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Alright. That's it. I'm sure I've stepped on enough toes for one day. Stay classy San Diego.

Poor, poor children

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At least once a month, usually more, I get asked the same question. It always comes with an ignorant tone, like people can actually work hard to achieve any dream they have. Let's face it. Some dreams are not very likely. Like being president. I don't care how special your mommy told you that you are, you will not be president if you are reading this. Fact.

But still, I get the same question asked all the time. It's as though me being a programmer has given me some sort of divine perspective on how to achieve a goal that I don't even think I could ever obtain myself...and I've already put forth the base work. Without further ado:

"Derrr Ultimo, how can haz make video games???"

For those of you that are poor, diluted, sixteen, and misinformed, let me just be 100% honest: you will not be making video games in your lifetime. I have seen it a million times. Noobs at software development seem to buy into misguided fallacies.

Fallacy 1 - "I like video games, therefore I will enjoy writing software."

Answer 1 - False dumb ass! Surviving and becoming successful at software development takes a lot of math, logical reasoning skills, and self degradation. And seeing how you are asking this question in the first place and actually believe the fallacy listed above, you do not have the logical reasoning skills required. Please drop your cse major immediately and join the business college before you embarrass yourself.

Fallacy 2 - "If I get a cse major, I can make video games!"

Answer 2 - Really? If you believe that, then you and the rock I picked from the rubber underneath my shoe should really hang out, because you have about the same intelligence level. Every person that goes into cse (well, most) at one point or another has wet dreams about making games. You know how many will actually get to make them? Move along.

Fallacy 3 - "I am creative, therefore I should make video games."

Answer 3 - No. Just no. You aren't special. Put down the crayons and roughly sketched anime characters and start working on your blue collar skills. Only the very elite are able to actually design video games. They are in the same category as those that direct films.

Fallacy 4 - "If me and my buddies get around and start spouting off random ideas, and I buy a c++ book, then we will be able to start a company through hard knocks!"

Answer 4 - This one is the worst...and you would be surprised how many people do this. Wow, really, you had an idea did you? An online game that allows you to manipulate the world? Build your own cities? Thinking of a spikey haired blond kid that has serious compensation problems by wielding too big of a sword? You do? Give it up already. You, your friends, and your c++ book all have something in common, all of you will end up in a dark corner wasting away.

Am I a bit harsh and sarcastic? Of course. But honestly,that's how ridiculous the games industry question has become to me. It is so cliche at this point, I want to punt babies every time I hear it.

Oh, but I do apologize, you are reading through this actually hoping I would give the secret to becoming a game designer/developer/publisher/tester/fornicator. Well, skippy, it's your lucky day. For you, and you alone, I will give you the secret of becoming a game developer.

First, stop being lazy. 99% of the people that ask me about this have never gone to college. They get D's in school, and think they should have opportunities handed to them. You will never be anything that way. The thing is, developers are usually of the top of their classes. Game developers will be at the top of all developers. And even then, even among the most elite programmers, only the ones that are the hardest workers will get into the industry.

I mean seriously, do you even know what game developers go through? We aren't talking about 8-5 jobs here. We are talking, sleeping in your office, terrible BO, "WTF I gained 50 pounds last week" hard work. Sounds like fun huh? Worth all the hype isn't it?

If the stress doesn't give you serious medical problems, and you last long enough to become old and rigid, then perhaps you will have your chance to design games. Just stick with it! I mean, it's your life right? Who needs friends? Not the game developer!

Anywho, I am bored of ranting about this now. I hope you have all learned valuable lessons today. Until next time, good luck, have fun, and always wear protection.

Is dating college football?

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Alright, recently I have been getting back into the dating scene after a few long relationships. And I have to say, things are much more confusing now than at any other point in my life. And I began thinking...wow...dating has turned into NCAA Football (video game) for me. How so? Read on!

Consider I am a coach at the University of Ultimo. Instead of having 25 scholarships to offer, I have a total of one, because well, I'm not a polygamist. Also, assume that when I use recruit in this article, I am talking about a woman. Yes, it sounds demeaning. It's not. When I talk about schools, I really mean men. Because in a normal society, men pursue the women. Just have fun with it, immerse yourself.

Here are my main points of why dating is like football recruiting:

1. Some recruits are predisposed to be attracted to certain universities, whether they like the tradition, the academics, or the facilities. So some universities just have better odds at picking up the highly talented recruits.

2. When you offer a recruit a scholarship, sometimes they accept, sometimes they decline, and other times they just aren't really sure, especially if they are already entertaining several universities.

3. It takes a lot of time and resources to rope in a high caliber recruit. If you are going for a four or five star, then most likely you better be a really good university with a lot to brag about, and have plenty of resources to spend.

4. Sometimes, you really think you have that 5-star recruit, when all of a sudden a bigger name comes in and offers them at the last second (breaking the analogy, just the other week I was supposed to date a 5-star recruit, so to speak, but her ex bf came and took her back a couple days before...I was pissed).

5. The more recruits you entertain at once, the more likely you are to get a commit, but the less likely you are to get each individual commit, due to your resources being divided. Because maybe you are putting 33% of your resources into a 4-star recruit, but it doesn't mean a West Virginia or USC isn't putting 75% of theirs into it. There are so many universities, someone is always pursuing harder.

6. Even if you land a verbal commit. A lot of recruits have a change of heart, and you may be left out in the cold during signing day.

7. Some programs allow walk ons, and if that walk on is good enough, they may just entertain the thought of offering them a scholarship. Now, the University of Ultimo does not have walk on program, so that is out of the question.

8. Even if you get a possible 4 or 5-star recruit, it doesn't mean they will live up to their potential. I mean, do you really know the type of talent you have before see them in a game situation?

9. Similar to point 8, some universities think that just because they are a big deal, they will get the 4-5 star recruits. Do you really want them sometimes? Often times it's the 3-star recruits with the ridiculously good work ethic that end up being an impact player. They may not be the best on paper, but they make up for it. Whereas, if you get a 4 or 5-star, they might be a diva, and actually get beat out by the less desired prospects.

10. Once in a while, you think you are getting a really good prospect, but it turns out after seeing them in action they are not ready for that next level. Unfortunately, rosters are only so big (in this case, it is only 1), so you may have to cut some players to free up scholarships.

That's all I got for now. But seriously, it all feels like a game to me anymore. And I don't like it. But, in a way, the faceless pursuit of meaningless relationships really is a defining characteristic of my generation.

Oh my gosh I died! Oh noes!!!11!!1one!!!11!!

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Know what makes me mad the most about modern day games? Death.

I mean, it was bad enough when I bought a ps2 and found out every game I played was insanely easy. In the off chance I actually died...nothing happened. I checked my stats, but none had dropped. I checked my loot, but none was missing. They didn't even show an annoying antagonist dancing in the background while laughing maniacally. Nothing.

So I sit there, with absolutely no adverse effects, and think, why didn't I just read a book instead? There is absolutely no reason to work, to push yourself, to achieve things when someone is always there to hold your hand and wipe your tears when you fall down.

Even games that were traditionally hard are now easy. Take Grand Theft Auto IV. A fun game. I liked it a lot. However, when you die, you lose a little cash. Big frickin' whoop. You never even spend cash in that game. I had millions of dollars by the time I was half way done. And that is only if you manage to die. It's not easy to find death.

Stand up, my fellowgamers and demand something more. Companys have it in their twisted little minds that people want to be coddled. We don't. I though Demon's Souls would have convinced a few companies that a yeah, an insanely tough game may make us want to put a new painting on our wall to cover the holes from thrown controllers...but at the end of the day the achievement of accomplishing something we weren't sure we could do far outweighs any frustration of the process.

Bring back the golden days of gaming. Put the new advances in AI and mechanics to work!

Satire

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This is just a short rant, as I am one sleepy nerd.

Is anyone else sick and tired of people not getting the idea of satire? It is a lost artform. Understanding satire is like being a part of a little club of winners, where you are always in on the inside joke. There only seems to be one of two things that a person thinks of when they get punched in the face by a spoofy tale of humor:

  1. The think that you mean sarcasm. Wrong. Wipe the thought from your head. If you want sarcasm, just talk to a teenager for more than a minute. Sarcasm is funny, but it's not brilliantly funny.
  2. They take it seriously. I know this is the internet, and I know that writing is speaking. But come on. If someone is saying something far to ridiculous to be considered rational, at least give them the benefit of the doubt that they are some sort of subtle genius. In the worst case, you can prove them not to be.

So, I could tell you about satire, but that would be too obvious. Instead, everyone should read the classic literature "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift. There, you all have a homework assignment. Now go out and become a little more educated.

I Hate Graphics

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That's right. I said it. I hate 'em. It's not so much that I hate looking at beautiful things, because I love beautiful things. Especially college girls. They are very beautiful. But I digress....

What I hate about graphics is that they complicate things in a lot of situations much like sex complicates relationships. For example, when is the last time we have seen deep meaningful characters in a game? Sure, they look pretty, but have you made any connections with them? They seem so distant, so fake.

That's why you see so many idiots using the name "Sephiroth" or "Cloud" in online communities and MMORPGs. As much of a cliche as those names are, it is the last connection they've made with a video game character. It is the last time they put themselves in the game.

I can't blame those people as I find myself putting distance between me and my video game characters. The last real video game character I found myself connecting with was Max Payne,and they are giving him a visual overhaul soon enough. Modern day characters seem like acquaintances that you are perfectly fine never bumping into again.

And that, my friends, is a very sad thing. If that type of feeling is a result of people focusing too much on realistic looking characters and forgetting about their forgettable plots and characters, then I say we go back to 32-bit systems. I want to lose myself in a game again.

A New Hope (Bored at Work)

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Why hello there good looking. How did you stumble onto this post?

I'm not much of a blogger, but I thought I would give it a whirl.

Have you ever heard of Darkfall? Of course you haven't. It was a game that ALMOST was awesome. With a more competent dev team, it could have been the greatest MMO invention since allowing people to save their progress. Anywho, I always used to browse the Darkfall OT forums. It was an unmoderated forums full of the filth of the internets world. But it was fun nonetheless.

Well, with Darkfall failing, I needed a new place to hang out. I have never much liked these large communities, but you, yes you, the person reading, has a chance to change my mind about that. We shall see if this community is worth the effort, and can cure the perilous boredom I have at work while waiting for people to give me information so I can continue developing.