READER APPRECIATION STUFF:
First off, let me say I appreciate you all giving me feedback on the Chinese Knock-Off Gaming blog. I considered making it into an editorial series and plan to do another one some time in the future! So yup, I greenlighted myself or something. But seriously, thank you for your feedback, regardless if you liked it or not (or just thought it was okay). Anywho, on to the next subject:
EXCLUSIVE: HOT NEW SEXY GAMING ACTION!
Ever since the dawn of humans, there has been a drive to innovate, dominate and consummate. However, people have had trouble combining all three without the use of questionable substances and flexible ethics, trying once in the 1960s with the practice of "free love," and once again in the 1980s with the widespread trend of "fresh powder" and something called "synthesizers." Lately, though, there has been a severe lack of sexily-dominant innovation. Gone are the days of "good vibrations," "pet rocks," and "quotation marks." How will anyone innovate? How will anyone dominate? How will anyone sexy?
Today is the day everything changes! TODAY is the day where folks will be able to combine their need for the new, the ultimate and the sexually attractive!
TODAY, I present you with:
Some crap from the 90's that not a lot of people outside Japan owned!
Yes, gamers today are striving for something new, something hot, something they want to make sweet, sensual love to. Well too bad, get sad; the new generation of consoles are more interested in having relations with your pocketbook than your pretty little mass of gray matter! However, there's plenty of innovative sexy dominance to be had with the amazing Some crap from the 90's that not a lot of people outside Japan owned:
First and foremost, gaze upon those hunks of corded plastic at the bottom of the image: these newold devices called "wired controllers" allow the player to hold something in their hand that manipulates the image on-screen and, most impressive of all, there are absolutely no batteries or recharges required! The old-school design allows players to believe they're playing an old, outdated console because THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING YOU STUPID IDIOT! Get ready for the future yesterday with the ability to control poorly-rendered 3D characters on your spankin'-new CRT! As any gamer worth their weight in cartridges knows, though, controllers are not everything. There's also menus!
Tired of menus? Tired of having to start the system up, select the game tab, then select the game to play the game inside the thing that plays your games so you can play a game? With the all-old SCFT90TNALOPOJO, all you have to do is use your finger or equivalent appendage on the seductive "power button" and you'll get a little swishy animation, followed by the game thing you put in!
(game things you put in sold separately on e-bay for high prices)
But gamers, true gamers, I'm talking about the kind of people who would honestly find it completely awesome to actually be a game, want more than a controller that's not going to run out of battery power when the ******* boss has just one-half a bar of health left after you've spent all ******* day just trying, I mean REALLY trying, to get it so you can 100% the game and be done with it (****); and a start-up screen immediately followed by the game. Yes, true gamers want that thing you put in there that has the game in it!
Oh heck yeah, you know you want a game copy. With this piece of 90's dinosaur crap, you will be able to take a disc and play it RIGHT AWAY! That's right, no installs, no patches (even though sometimes you wish there was one)! SCREW THAT NOISE, you want to just start playing video games so you have a good excuse to snack on junk food! Boy oh boy, does this thing have games, too:
You want a Japanese dating sim where you're hitting on Japanese high school girls like a creepy old man minus the creepiness of hitting on real Japanese high school girls? YOU GOT IT!
You want a poorly-rendered adventure game with voice acting done by people who you suspect have severe speech imp-imped-problems and/or brain injuries? COMIN' RIGHT UP!
You want a side-scrolling shooter where you play as a mess of blobs shooting at giant husks of corn while wacky music plays? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU BUT YEAH WE GOT IT!
You want it, you silly person
Social networking is also something that exists but who cares, you just want to share these wonderful games with someone! Your buddy wants a game copy, too. However, your buddy is far too poor and jobless and moochy and probably is stealing from your wallet when you're not looking to afford the cool games. How do you solve this problem? Easy, you lend him the game and he can play it! That's right, you don't have to have them pay a fee or break their legs for stealing $20 from your stash (the latter is recommended, though), you just have to give them the game and it plays! JUST LIKE A REAL GAME!
With all these dominant sexy innovations, the old hunk of Japanese plastic from the 90's is by far the biggest bang for your buck. For only about $40-50 used at some used game store or online retailer, you will be able to enjoy all the obscure games of yesterday, today!
I look forward to you enjoying old stuff and complaining about the graphics!