If Only I had a Hand to Lend You, I Would Rip My Arm Off to Do So: The Prologue of Kings (IOIHAHTLYIWRMAOTDS: TPOK)
IOIHAHTLYIWRMAOTDS: TPOK stars Earl Smith, a man who has recently been laid off from his job picking bits of lint from the petticoats of the upper cIass because of his tendency to set aflame the garments of those he dislikes. Seeing as he has no way to find gainful employment in the near future, Earl visits a band of wandering gypsies, pleading for them to use their gypsy magic to alter the minds of those he has wronged so they can become credible references on his resume for that cozy office job in his local trading hub that he always wanted because he wanted to hit on that hot bespectacled secretary at the front desk.
The gypsy agrees to bestow this magic upon said people, but a problem surfaces when Earl sticks his hand in a pot of honey used for the ritual (being without a job kind of makes you hungry) and his hand is torn from his body, becoming a sentient being with a mouth in its palm and a skip in its...er...fingering?
Looking upon this turn of events, the gypsies bow down to him since everyone knows that anyone who sticks their hand in the ritual honey pot is destined to be turned into a beehive and those who are not must be the "Handy One." With his new title, Earl and his magic detached hand (now named Roger from here on) are sent on Handy Quests, where they do Handy Jobs for the troubled denizens of the world. Along his quest, Earl meets the hot bespectacled secretary, wandering the planet because she too lost her job to the fickle economy.
Together, the three heroes set off to create a brighter world, one Handy Job at a time.
An action/RPG format in which Earl is controlled by the player, who then can launch Roger from a cannon fused to the stump of Earl's arm or shoot magical spit from Roger's palm mouth that makes the enemy vomit upon contact (which then any other enemies touched by enemy vomit begin vomiting as well). Hot bespectacled secretary can be controlled by a second player for splitcreen action and weilds various office supplies such as pencil daggers, memo shurikens, and TPS reports. If not controlled by another player, hot bespectacled secretary plays the role of pep squad from behind the scenes while using Earl's shredded up resumes as pom poms.
Systems: PS3, XBOX 360, PS2, WII, Gamecube, Commodore 64, PSP, Game Boy Advance, PS3 (HD remaster of PS2 version), PC
HP: Life gauge (can increase in length by eating Rotten Goat Meat and level-ups)
Roger Power (RP): 5 (every attack with Roger costs 1 RP; increases with level-up)
Attack (physical): 1/10 (can be increased by 1 every time Fish Egg Sundae is eaten)
Attack (Roger): 1/10 (can be increased by 1 every time Honey Spittle is eaten)
Agility: 1/10 (moves fairly slow at 1, average at 5, and fast at 10; can be increased by Hand-Hand-Eye Coordination mini-game in which you must launch Roger at flocks of ducks a la Duck Hunt and get at least 90% of ducks, must pay in-town to play mini-game)
Hot bespectacled secretary:
HP: Life gauge (can increase in length every 150 headshots with memo shurikens)
Power Point(s) (PP): 5 (used for strengthened attacks with Pencil Daggers; increases with level-up)
TPS max ammo: 5 (acts as a sticky bomb that is launched at the enemy in the same manner as a shuriken; fixed amount; does high damage)
Attack (memo): 1/10 (can be increased by 1 every time secret item "Fine Paper" is found)
Attack (Pencil Daggers): 1/10 (can be increased by 1 every time secret item "Sharpener" is found)
Agility: Fixed amount. She moves fairly fast.
Name: Ted the Jerk Who Keeps Trying to Scam Me Into Giving Him Money to Feed His Bad Habits
HP: Two-stage life bar that takes longer than regular enemies
Abilities: Smog, Confuse, Swindle Money Off Me
Ted is that guy who hung around behind the office where hot bespectacled secretary worked, but recently got into the world domination business after hearing that Earl became the Handy One. Seeing as he didn't want to be upstaged by Earl because Ted thought he was always so cool and should always do his best to ruin Earl's life because it's the only thing that gives Ted's life any meaning (the pathetic whelp). Likes scamming people.
Why it's worth playing:
Why on Earth would you play this?