For those of you not as familiar with me, I have been working on an extensive writing project for several years. I posted the first rough idea draft of Elementura 1 up on the forums a while back... The following is how I wrote in the introduction of one of the key characters, Hunter.
Vega sneered at her and lunged at them with fists of fire, swinging wildly at Jace and Draca who did all they could to avoid until Jace, under pressure, swung the sword in his right hand right into Vega's arm. It made a clank, but then reflected right off of his skin.
"One of you! Haha! That's a good one. Why would I want to be a stupid chimera or some fake-human elementura! Gimme a break!" Vega's yellow fire turned into a bright sword and he slashed at Draca, who thought she was a goner until out of the sky, a burst of lightning broke the sword and shocked Vega, who immediately fell over.
Draca looked behind her and saw a boy her age pointing his finger down at the ground. He was directing the electricity. He had messy blond hair and green eyes. His teeth, his eyes, everything about him resembled an animal even his stance. Jace took this opprotunity to wildly spin, swinging both swords fiercly into Vega, who didn't even flinch as he got up.
"Hey you two!" the boy yelled, "Only amateurs fight like you two. Run away and lemme handle this."
Jace was thrown back into the grass by Vega, but he got back up and assumed a battle stance. Draca too prepared herself, looking as threatening as possible, even though she knew this man couldn't be beaten.
"Sorry, we're not running away from this freak!" Draca replied.
"Yeah, thanks for the save, but we're not cowards!" Jace added.
"Fine, I guess I should help you then," the slim boy said walking up next to them, keeping his animal eyes focused on Vega. He stamped his right foot on the ground which immediately crumbled upon impact. He was wearing heavy metal boots that began snapping with electricity. "The name's Hunter! I'll be your savior today."
Draca laughed, and Jace still readied his swords.
"Oh," Hunter noticed, "kid, you, with the swords. Use your elements. Don't want to be mistaken for a filthy human right?"
That was about a year and a half ago. Now take a look at this, a new draft of the same book, rewriting the intro for this character. The following isn't his intro, but it's a part of his intro chapter:
"We get the crowd excited!" he claimed as they met yet again. "Besides, that's the point. Get them to watch us while I think of a way to get us out of here!" Jace was dumbstruck at Hunter's logic. The mere thought of ever having to take advice or strategy from the performer again was out of the question, and downright vexing. Still, the plan did accomplish what it set out to, the natural sins of sapience and intoxicating rays of the neon lights kept the people for intervening. The rays also kept Jace In the moment. He was excited, he was nervous, he was anxious, but most of all he was having fun. Sharing this moment with someone, deceiving an entire crowd of people to think of away to escape using a plan that had extremely flawed logic, it was fun! Jace grinned as the two continued their duel, neither one swaying from fatigue or fear, and neither one losing sight of the neon lights that kept them caught in the moment.
Without warning, a crackle of electricity erupted from Hunter's feet, both of which were now planted firmly on the ground. They spit in every which direction, lashing out at the throngs of people gazing stupidly at Hunter's finale. The finale, however, was cut short as firm hands grabbed each of the boys by the ears. Darkness sprung out from around them, and Jace knew as he descended into darkness that Draco had caught on.
It was odd though, as Hunter struggled, he noticed that it was not Draco who held him so firmly, but the man wearing the coat. His light, dew sprinkled hair gave off the essence of the forest within it, and his person smelled of pine trees—a smell Hunter was all too familiar with.
"Cut it out, you know better than that," the man said, and with those words he shoved Hunter out of the darkness before breaching its walls and escaping himself.
Meanwhile, Draco shoved Jace into the center of the dark zone, standing above him in an interrogative position.
"You idiot, fighting elementura out here when you can't even control an element yourself, what's gotten into you?" he scolded like a father, surprising Jace.
"Sir, I barely know…"
"Can it," Draco barked, he pushed his amber hair out of his eyes. "Next time, if you're going to take my daughter away, at least have the common decency to inform me. It spares me the trouble of going off to make sure that she's safe."
The darkness wisped away, leaving a perplexed Jace to stare at the commanding figure that sauntered away into the night. The neon lights that had been apart of his night, the fight with Hunter, disappeared and Jace accepted that young hand that boosted him up. It was with this acceptance of a hand that he accepted the task at hand would be an arduous one, and that he could not do it alone.
The fated trio smiled as they quickly left the city of the neon lights. Jace didn't know if his childish desire to return would be sated, but he knew the long path to his dreams and destiny would not be fulfilled if he returned.
He vowed to forgive them. Hunter and Tamara. The two were completely knew concepts for him, but he knew that they would offer an experience like none other. They didn't have the letter, but that didn't matter as long as they got to the temple first. His days as a wanderer nearing an end, Jace strode the land with two friends and a renewed purpose.
What do you all think? A good improvement?