still on this trip, another 24 hours and i will be back at my college campus dorms. For some of you who follow my blogs and posts, i've been in a relationship for little over a month now - for the first time - with another guy.
well it came crashing and burning yesterday in a pretty ugly way, part of it my fault. but at the same time not feeling sorry at all.
Let me take you back for as second.
Anthony and I and one of our mutual friends, Lyn, decided to go on another group tour together, this time in California and Nevada for 10 days. Something you should also know, Anthony and Lyn are both Chinese and speak it fluently.
Now things between him and i came to a snag about 5 days in on the trip, basically made a really s-hitty comment about the relationship that put me off. That night i was still in the quiet upset mode and just decided to hit the bed early.
The next day went, with very little said between him and i, but we had a rather long chat that evening. It SEEMED to me we had made up, it seemed like we were doing really well for about two days. For two days it was like we were back to our old habits.
Now yesterday was a day our tour was scheduled to go out to the Grand Canyon, a 5 hour drive - one way - to the canyon and then back to the same hotel in Las Vegas. Anthony and I decided it was a great idea for us two to just spend another day in the city.
we slept in, woke up, had a bit of fun and then as we were laying there doing light chit chats, I asked him what his future plans were. and this is where he f**** up.
so he tells me he plans on studying abroad in Holland for a year with Lyn. He also then tells me, Lyn asked him why i was acting so quiet that one day and they both agreed that they he could do much better than me. Telling him that they're are much cuter guys to be had there. (remember he tells me this).
Now I ask him, "When was this exatly?" and he tells me it was that same night I thought we made up, while i was in the room with them.
Now you see... when Anthony or Lyn speaks to me they speak in English, when they speak to each other it's always - and i mean always - in Mandarin. often little jokes and giggles over things. and up until now i never thought anything of it, opting to think the better of my friends.
i freeze up, a mixture cocktail of flared anger and shame, and I pushed him away from me. Seething, and barely looking at his face, i regain my composure and tell him its best we just spend the day seperately. We still HAD to meet up for the tour as we had a Las Vegas show to attend, and because i'm part of their group i am assigned seating with them. All the while they're chit chatting and having their laughs.
On the bus ride back to the hotel, Anthony asks me what is on my mind. I reply "you really wanna know?"
Me -"I think everytime your talking to Lyn in Mandarin, i can't help but think your having your little laugh on me, at least for part of your conversation. Maybe i'm paranoid, but tell me... am i wrong?"
Anthony - "Lyn did say somethings... i really shouldn't say...but she is concerned that you hate her now.... it was my mistake for being honost"
*i give him a 'wtf are you saying' look*
me - "i'm not two faced... i don't crack jokes about you behind your back, or right in your presence in another language"
From that point on his demeaner changes and he begins to hum a little Hmong folk song to himself. I ask for the room key, they go up to the room together, and i went to let loose my stress. Was gone for nearly 3 hours, came back at 1 AM at night.
Rode the crazy ass rides on top of the Stratosphere, had dinner at the fancy Italian restuarant, took a walk around the casino checking out the machines. had a nice fat cigar even - and i mainly only smoke cigars to relax.
When i came back, we (me talking to either Lyn or Anthony) spoke very little, Anthony made mention they were concerned if i was even going to come back. I made mention, if it were anything worse, i'd of taken my things and left.
It's just been one day, still licking the wounds. it's not so much just a break up, but add the sense of betrayal, the sense of just being a joke.
I have barely spoken a word to Lyn, and Anthony and I are chit chatting a little bit. He obviously has something on his chest he wants to say, but if he's looking for an apology for my cold behavior.. umm not happening. but while things seem to be improving, any sort of verbal or physical show of affection is completely gone. Even my words now are strategic and keep the discuession shorter then usual. In a small strange sense i still really like him, but now it's just at arms length. keeping my distance.
So there it is. Do you guys think i'm over reacting or what?