Dear Rays fans:

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Would you like John Cena for good? Would you? We'll give him to you. Seriously. No strings attached, he's yours. We'll even forge a birth certificate for him, and fabricate an elaboriate life story that has him growing up in Florida. Fake photographs, a high school class ring, the whole shebang. We'll even chip in for a souviner Rays jersey with his name on the back.

Just keep him the Hell away from the commonwealth. In fact, keep him away from New England as a whole. And Philadelphia, I could be living there next year. Keep him away from the entire northeast. Keep him in Florida. Just keep destroying his shoulder every time he tries to rehab it.

No takebacks.

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