When I was a kid, I was a short, gooffy looking, glasses wearing, red headed, dork. Needless to say, elementary school was not fun. I would get picked on, shoved around, made fun of, and receive other forms of school yard torture on a daily basis. When I ascended from elementary school to junior high, I thought this would end. I was wrong.
In my junior high, there were many various cliques, none of which I belonged to. One of these cliques was "The Skaters". The Skaters called themselves that because if they said what they really were, that would arouse the suspicion of the school police. What this group really were was a group of Straightedgers who happen to skate.
In other parts of the county, Straightedgers are calm, peaceful people who live an ultra clean life**** In Utah, Straightedgers are a violent, militant street gang who live an ultra clean life**** Straightedgers in Utah are usually members of the LDS Church, Mormons, who have a problem with anyone who doesn't follow the teaching of the LDS Church. Usually these problems end in violent assaults that the SLCPD typically ignores.
The Skaters in my school were Straightedgers. The Skaters were aware of my presence. I was a coffee drinking, heavy metal listening, atheist. The Skaters ****ed me up often. As a result, I have a long standing grudge against Skaters and Straightedgers. When CM Punk lost the World Heavyweight Title, I cheered loudly. I watch the X Games to see epic brutal crashes. I hate Labrador Retrievers. That has nothing to do with anything, I just wanted to say it.
The other day, I recieved Skate 2 via Gamefly. I spent all of that day setting up my avatar to fall, and fall hard. It was AWESOME! Skate 2 is the most fun game I've played this year. Not the best, the most fun.
Skate 2: B-
Recently Codemasters released You're In The Movies, a collection of movie inspired mini-games that utilize the Xbox Live Vision camera. To help promote this game, Codemasters got Burt Reynolds, star of Delgo and In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, to do ads for the game. Unfortunately the game was met with negative reviews and lackluster sales. Nevertheless, Codemasters has decided to go forward with a game that further integrates celebrities and the movies they are famous for starring in. Today Codemasters announced R. Kelley Presents- Urine The Movies.
Based on the recently adjudicated criminal trial, you play as R&B singer R. Kelley. You go across the country performing concerts, recording songs, giving interviews, and urinating on as many people as possible. You get points for ticket and album sales, press coverage, total fan base, and volume of liquid expelled. You can even record videos that you sell in the game. These videos include concert DVD's, music videos, and underground bootleg porn.
When reached for comment about this story, R. Kelley released the following statement: "I feel so blessed to be able to use my god given talents to entertain and defile millions of my fans. I thank the lord everyday for the abilities I exhibit both publicly and privately that enriches the lives of so many people. I can only hope that God will keep the golden goodness that is his love flowing for all to enjoy."
R. Kelley Presents- Urine The Movies is slated for an October 2009 release. This is expected to coincide with the complete 20 DVD box set release of all the videos for R. Kelley's "Trapped In The Closet"
Shopping Complex-Day- The camera sees a busy parking lot. A car pulls in and parks. A young man, hereafter referred to as "Man", steps out of the car and walks into a store named "DTM Games". Man walks around the store, looking at the many video games on the walls. Man then stops and looks at one game in particular. Man picks up the game and stares at it intently. The camera swings around to see Man is looking at a copy of Tomb Raider: Underworld. A crazed look comes over Man. He holds the game high in the air and yells-
Man (In a tone similar to Animal from the Muppets, a tone he maintains until directed otherwise)- Woman! Woman! Woman!
Man quickly makes his way to the checkout, holding the game aloft the whole time. When Man gets to the checkout, a sales clerk, hereafter referred to as "Sales Clerk", starts to talk to him.
Sales Clerk- Hello sir, how can I help you?
Man hands the game to Sales Clerk and says-
Sales Clerk takes the game, and starts to ring it up.
Sales Clerk- Can I interest you in any pre-orders?
Sales Clerk- I'll take that as a no. It'll be $64.11.
Man fishes his wallet out and gives Sales Clerk his credit card.
Sales Clerk- Debit or credit?
Sales Clerk finishes ringing up the game.
Sales Clerk- Do you want a bag?
Sales Clerk extends the game to Man.
Sales Clerk- Here you are sir, have a nice day.
Man snatches the game from Sales Clerk and sprints out of the store, holding the game aloft and continually yelling "Woman!" Man continues to run and yell as he makes his way home. Man runs up the stairs, through his front door and closes it behind him. The moment the door closes it opens again and Man steps out, still holding the game aloft and yelling. Man goes back over the path he just took, gets in his car and drives back home, holding the game out of the window and yelling "Woman!" Man gets out of his car and again enters his home. An analog clock then appears on screen and goes forward twenty hours. After that the scene goes back to the house. Man emerges from his house. Man is visibly depressed and is holding the game down in one hand. Man sulks as he walks down the stairs and over to his outside garbage. Man opens his garbage, drops the game inside, and says-
Man (In a depressed tone)- Woman.
Man closes the garbage and continues to sulk as he makes his way to his mailbox. Man fishes his mail out and starts to look at it. Man then stops at one mailpiece in particular. Man drops the rest of his mail and stares intently at this one piece of mail. The camera swings around to reveal the Man is looking at a Victoria's Secret catalog. A crazed look comes over Man. He holds the catalog aloft and screams-
Man (In the crazed tone used before)- Woman! Man sprints away from his mailbox and into his house.
Tomb Raider: Underworld- D
On November 27, 2007, I posted what I thought would be my last blog post here. Recently I have been re-thinking that decision. Now I intend to revive my voice here. I look forward to hearing from those who followed me before, and new people.
I have gone through some changes.
I have a website: Redertainment.com
I'm the co-host of a podcast: Zapattack! Radio (Zapattackradio.com)
I have a channel on Justiv.tv (justin.tv/redertainment)
I have gained thirty pounds. (Coke and chips)
That's all. Thank You For Your Time
Hey all my loyal readers, all nine of you.
I've been double posting for a while now, 1up and Gamespot, both Username Redertainment. I've decided to stop double posting and start focusing on 1up. Visit me there if you want to here me complain about stuff most people think is trivial.
Also, I have a Xbox Live account: Redertainment. It's like a (expletive deleted) broken record me and my Usernames. Send me a friend request if you so desire, or not.
Thank You For Your Time
Review copies of Conan were sent to various video game journalist this week and the consensus view is one of amazement. Not on whether the game is good or bad, but the direction of the game. Early in the game's development it was believed Conan would be about Conan the Barbarian, however what materialized is much different. Conan is based on NBC Late Night host Conan O'Brien.
This news came as a shock to people who were looking forward to a game where they can finally senselessly beat people. This was also a shock to loyal fans of Late Night, and even Obrien's fan club. Fan club President Chris Meyers said, "I want to have Conan's love child." When pressed for further comment, Chris kept on repeating his previous comment.
Mr O'Brien released this comment earlier today:"Wow, this came completely out of the blue. I had no idea that NBC had commissioned a full, complete, and competent game based on me. I just hope my pale skin doesn't blow out the screens of every television it is played on."
Many other Late Night regulars populate this game. Joel Goddard, Mark Pender, The Masturbating Bear, The FedEx Pope, Jimmy Vivino, The Evil Puppy, James Lipton, and Max Weinberg. Two versions of Bruce Springsteen also make an appearance in this game, 80's Bruce and Old Bruce.
Conan: Chronicles of a Tall, Weak, Pale Manchild will be available soon in stores nationwide for $60, or at the NBC store at 30 Rockefeller Center for $100.
I bought my copy of Halo 3 at 12:26 A.M. MST on 9/25/07.
I beat Halo 3 at 10:40 P.M. MST on 9/25/07.
I beat Halo 3 on the day it was released.
Can any of youtop or equal that?
There is a common theme running through my Labor Day weekend: I was around people, but not with people.
Let's start with Saturday. I slept in, which is rare for a Saturday because I usually work. I woke up, alone, did the usual things to prepare for the day, and headed out of the house to get some money. I went to my local bank, which is located inside one of the hundreds of grocery stores within walking distance of my house. It was Labor Day weekend, so everyone who hadn't prepared for their activity earlier was getting the necessary things together, meaning single person was at the grocery store. I got in, got my money, and got out. I was around people, but not with people.
I got in my car and drove out to the local movie theater. The roads were packed, not that packed you see on any usual weekday mornings, but packed like there was a mass evacuation and the government bothered to tell people. Surface streets, highways, interstates, neighborhoods, alleys, every single bit of asphalt was covered in smoke belching, gas guzzling, half paid off cars. I was around people, but not with people.
When I got to the theater I bought a ticket to a fairly popular movie, much like everyone else going to see that fairly popular movie. I sat down in my seat, as did others. I drank my Coke and ate my popcorn, as did others. I laughed, I cried, I etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, as did others. I was around people, but not with people.
I drove back to the grocery store, because I, like everybody else, needed to buy the essentials for my weekend. The grocery store was still full of people, not full like a college ****the day before a holiday, but full like there was a natural disaster coming and everybody was stupid enough to think that they could ride it out. I got chips for one, Coke for one, ice cream for one, and Vodka for nine. I paid for my stuff and left. I was around people, but not with people.
I drove home, put my Vodka, Coke, Vodka, chips, Vodka, Vodka, Vodka, Vodka, Vodka, and Vodka away. I turned on my entertainment system, put in a movie, and sat down with some Vodka and ice cream for some more entertainment tailored made for everyone in the whole world. The surround sound I have is truly great, I could hear dialog being horribly delivered from all directions. I was enveloped by the thousands of earth shattering explosions that are seemingly required in every major Hollywood release. I was surrounded by the sounds of sex, and I don't have a girlfriend (a fact that makes my cry every night, in case women are reading this). I was around people, but not with people.
Sleep was next. I dreamed of the usual, absolutely, unapolegically gorgeous supermodels wearing almost nothing, just being content with just watching me do ordinary things. I know it's a strange dream, but I've had stranger. Just ask me about the one with the whipped cream, a whip, and Val Kilmer. I was around people, but not with people.
Then the sun came up on the Sunday before Labor Day. I woke up, alone, did the usual things to prepare for the day, and left for my local giant general media store. The store had a good amount of people in it. In most other cities on Labor Day weekend, the store would be packed from dawn to dusk. However, I live in Utah, the city that shuts down on Sunday, even on Labor Day weekend. Still, there were people around as I bought my Anime and video games. As I was walking around the store, I was listening to my iPod. I listen to Podcasts mostly, usually people yammering on about something until the end of the track when another track comes on with another set of people yammering on about something. I was around people, but not with people.
I went home, booted up my Xbox 360 and started to play online with people. Again, I plugged in my iPod and listened to people yammer. For hours I played with a various people that I have never, and will never meet. I killed them, helped them kill, bested them on the golf course, won countless credits, and topped their long held records. I beat and was beaten by nameless, faceless joystick jockeys. I was around people, but not with people.
Sleep was next. I had two dreams. Again, I dreamt of supermodels. Them I had my dream on Val Kilmer. It wasn't nearly as interesting, maybe that was because Karl Rove was sitting in the corner watching. I was around people, but not with people.
Then came Labor Day, the day we celebrate women going through childberth, or something. I woke up around noon, alone, ready for lunch. Lunch was simple, Vodka sandwich with Vodka chips, Vodka salad, and Vodka Vodka Vodka. I remember hallucinating, which is stunning because when you hallucinate you rarely remember things, which is often a good thing. I was surrounded by the various celebrities that annoy me. All of the images obsessed, materialistic, shallow, hollow, and completely worthless people that I so desperately wish I was one of. I remember yelling, laughing, crying,(expletive deleted),and not much else. I was around people, but not with people.
I know what you're thinking, you bought things at stores. Stores have cashiers; you must have had some sort of social interaction with them. First of all, you're assuming that I don't steal. Also, that doesn't count. All I said to these people was, "Here. Here. No I don't want your free crap. Thanks, you have a nice day also." To think that is social is somewhere between delusional and denial. I was around people, but not with people.
Labor Day was great for me, truly and falsely. Now, just think how that weekend would have been if other people had been around. That would have been great and dreadful.
Many things for sale on DVD have no plot: Japanese anime, porn, concert DVD's, Lost, The Sopranos, Japanese anime porn, etc. But now the greatest movie without a plot has been made legally available on DVD. Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody else, AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE COLON MOVIE FILM FOR THEATERS FOR DVD (insert overplayed thunder here)!!!
This DVD is great. It's solid, it's playable, it's shiny on one side, I can rest my drink on it- Wait, wasn't I supposed to watch this thing (insert overdone WAH-WAH noise). I hope my Vodka, Coke and Ice didn't damage my semi-expensive DVD. Maybe I'll have to buy another copy. Then they'll have more of my (expletive deleted) money. I mean between the two seasons I own, the soundtrack, and the various drugs I've bought from MC Chris, I should get a credit in the (expletive deleted) movie.
Maybe I'll have to start giving my money to another person I adore, David Jaffey. Speaking of the great god of gaming, why the (expletive deleted) would he want to build a game studio in Utah! I live in Utah, it sucks here!!! What is he LDS, a psycho-conservative, an Olympian, does he have family here, what?!? I mean, the only reason I live here is because my girlfriend lives here, and we do "couple things" together. "Couple things", like sex, antiquing, sex, going to concerts, sex, family functions, sex, wandering around at IKEA, sex, and, did I mention, SEX!!! (insert annoying as (expletive deleted) Bow-chicka-wow-wow here)
If you found the amount of sex in this blog post, send me an e-mail at Redertainment@yahoo.com, and I'll make sure to ignore it. Either that or I'll post it here. Enjoy!!!