Kurt Russel and Timothy Olyphant in the wild west hunting down cannibalistic savages. That's all I need to say. Pool all of your money together and lets help git this done.
F*ckin Jager Bombs, f*cking p*ssy, f*ckin protien, TONIGHT!
One night a work compadre of mine invited me over to his place for some brewskies and I obliged his invitation. The evening started out innocently enough. While kicking back in his living room sipping the suds I listened wearily to my inebriated friend spin fables of his past life as a janitor at some sweat shop in Beijing. Out of boredom I began scanning the drab room in a desperate attempt to take my mind off of the endless ramblings of a drunkard. My gaze caught that of a dark haired miniature poodle nestled cozily next to a 250 GB model Xbox 360.
This particular poodle was lovingly named Cheese Swindler on account of it's obsessive love for copious amounts of chedder cheese, and for the ruthless and unethical tactics it would use to obtain said cheese. So me being the animal lover that I am get up out of my chair and with beer in hand, make my way over to the precious little cuddle bug and start petting it. My intoxicated friend wasn't too happy about this. He took this as me ignoring him which I kind of was to be fair.
So the ass grabs a tv remote that was sitting snugly by his side and whips it at me (I'm assuming to get my attention). Now being that this sad sap of a loser was completely sh!tfaced out of his mind and couldn't see straight, he completely misses his intended target and instead knocks the beer bottle free from my grasp, which in turn spills all over his 250 GB model Xbox 360. Miraculously, this ends up some how being my fault. He begins accusing me of being a Sony fanboy, of orchestrating this whole event in order to destroy his Xbox 360. Insane, I know.
So while we are having our shouting match, unbeknownst to the both of us, my beer had begun to bleed into the Xbox's ciruitry causing it to spark and smoke, hiss and sputter. Poor little Cheese Swindler whom as previously mentioned was snuggled up by the console, was apparently sitting too close and her tail had caught fire. While this is going on my friend comes at me with a silver candle stick and begins bludgeoning me on the head multiple time causing severe internal brain hemorrhaging and temporary blindness. One strike was so hard infact that it sent ripples down my spinal cord, fracturing my left testicle.
At this point Cheese Swindler was completely engulfed in flames, and in a fright fueled panic, began sprinting around the room in circles setting pieces of furniture and carpet ablaze. Sensing the impending doom that was about to befall us, I quickly arose from my feeble position and kicked the now crazed socialite sqaure in the d*ck, instantly incapacitating him. With what little remaining strength I had left in me I hoisted him up onto my shoulder and threw him out a nearby window to safety. I then dropped to my knees. The sheer agonising pain that reverberated from my fractured testicle was now too great and began to consume my mind.
I could feel the heat from the flames on my back now. It wouldn't be long now before I faced my maker. "This isn't the end yet. No siree, I swear on the life of my shattered testicle this is not how I will go out" I said to myself. And so with one final push, I dove out the window and land violently in the dirt. It wasn't long after that the fire department and ambulance arrived. They carried me off as I was in shock and hysterics, mumbling gibberish about tales of harpies and unicorns. It was a dark time but I've since recovered.
Many of you probably know that I am in love with the video game Nier. It's one of my favorite games of all time. You also probably know that I'm an incredibly lazy and sh*tty writer, and because of that I have failed you. I have failed all of you. I have failed Nier. I have failed in the sense that I have been unable to effectively convince you all to go out and play this masterpiece. You see Nier is a very complex game, one so complex that me being the simpleton that I am have an extremely difficult time translating into words just what it is that makes this game so special.
Being aware of this sad truth, I have sought for ways to better help you understand the utter magificence that is Nier and so I went searching. I sifted through countless videos, forums, and reviews, and finally came across a brilliant piece of writing - a user review, but this is far far far from your ordinary user review. It is an important document. It is, simply put, the most detailed (and spoiler free!) breakdown of Nier ever put on the internet.
Not only is it wonderfully written, it's author (who goes by the name of mrklarryd) discusses every single flaw and strength of Nier in vivid detail. He gives both deep insight into each character and also some real world history surrounding the game. His perspective brought to light certain things about the game that I didn't even notice myself, and I played through it like 4 f*cking times. In his review he manages to achieve what every "professional game critic" totally and miserably failed at. He delves into the very essence of Nier, and defines just what it is that makes the game so special, and he does it all without spoiling important details!
Now the review is very long, but I implore you to find the time to read it. There's also an interesting bit towards the end where he convincingly explains why this misunderstood classic was doomed to receive mixed reviews. Here is the review for your reading pleasure - http://www.gamefaqs.com/ps3/960449-nier/reviews/review-142619
So, what do you think?
Haven't wrote a blog in a while, I'm bored, wide awake, so the time has cometh. Seeing as how my taste in every thing is pretty much god's word I know you guys have been anxiously awaiting something like this. Wait no longer.
A few of the 2012 games I have played
Kingdoms of Amalur - Anyone who spends more than 30 hours with this game should be able to clearly see that it is complete ass. I thought it was great at first but appearances can be very deceiving, like some hot babe you meet for the first time and instantly want to marry but after spending time with her you realise she only wants to cut your balls off and feast on your soul like a parasite. KoA has a big, colorful world that's very easy on the eyes, a nifty combat system and some very cool ideas on character progression. What could go wrong? Everything.
The world while good looking is completely lifeless and it's filled with nothing but robotic NPCs who do absolutely nothing but stand around gazing into an empty void like souless abominations, and incredibly bland fetch quests where you're essentially doing the exact same four or five tasks ad nauseum. The story is typical fantasy garbage, the same sh*t you've heard since you were born, only much less interesting. All we're left with is a sleek combat and progression system, which is totally undermined by the laughable difficulty. Summoning a huge meteor that rapes everything on screen or twirling around crazy flaming chakrams like a badass ninja on crack are awesome at first, but they lose their novelty when you realise the enemies are basically defenceless infants who cower before your god-like abilities. The game just sucks all around.
Diablo 3 - Probably my most highly anticipated game of all time. Diablo was one of the very first RPGs I ever played, and also one of the first online multiplayer games I ever played, so you can imagine how much I creamed my jeans over that game back in the day. Diablo 2 then came and pretty much had the same effect on me. For quite a long while I was immersed 100% into these two amazing worlds, probably over 1000 hours worth I'd say, easily. So you kind of get my hype for D3. When I first booted it up I was sure Jesus Christ himself was going to come exploding through my computer monitor. Well, that didn't exactly happen.
Fundamentally speaking it's great. It plays great, looks great, sounds great, has all of the qualities any big AAA blockbuster should have. It's story is... there. The character classes all play differently and each is fun in their own right. The streamlining of character building didn't bug me like it did a lot of others because Blizzard did a great job with it. You unlock new attacks and upgrades at a good steady pace which never allows your journey through all four difficulties to grow tiresome.
However, the game's biggest problem and what ultimately makes it a disappointment is once you reach max level, there is essentially nothing else left to do with that character class. You unlock everything at 60 and reach your character's full potential abilities wise, so there is never any reason to experiment by making a new character of the same class. It's either start a new class, or continue grinding endlessly with the same character. Diablo 3 really doesn't have any end game content, which makes it vastly inferior to the infinitely replayable Diablo 2. So what we have learned here today is that on it's own Diablo 3 stands as a quality title, certainly worthy of your cash and time. As a Diablo game, it's a disappointment.
Borderlands 2 - This game is a f*ckin blast, and not much else needs to be said. The gunplay is about as good as what you would find in most straight up shooting games, and the RPG elements don't intrude on the shooting action yet they also stand on their own and help to make Borderlands into a highly addictive and fun experience. The best part about it is the humor, and there's tons of it throughout the duration of the game. What really caught me off gaurd is that with all of the goofiness and hilarity, the game's story does take some slightly darker and more serious turns later on, and somehow Gearbox did an excellent job of making these serious moments not feel out of place amongst all the ridiculousness. That's more than what can be said for a lot of other shooters, which take themselves too seriously and end up being unintentionally funny (Gears of War, lookin at you!).
The game's ability to mix all of this absurdist humor into a genuinely gripping story (by video game standards) is pretty much unparalled and is one of Borderlands 2's greatest strengths. It's villain, Handsome Jack, is pretty much the perfect personification of this very strength. There are many moments where he will say something that has you laughing your ass off, only to immediately turn around and do something so despicably evil and vile that you just hate him. Then he will say something else funny and totally inappropriate within the context of the horrible things he's done. And he's just one memorable character in a cast of memorable characters. Borderlands 2 may be a co-op game first and foremost, but it works good as a singleplayer game all the same, unlike it's predecessor which NEEDED to be played cooperatively. This is my current GoTY. Play it, unless you hate fun.
Some games I've been playing recently that are not from 2012
Enslaved: Odyssey to the West - Enslaved suffers from the "Condemned 2 effect". The first 75% of the game or so is pure video game excellence. The pacing is masterfully done, the two lead characters are easy to fall in love with and their relationship is an engaging one. The gameplay is simple but fun and provides quite a few exciting moments. Enslaved is kind of like Uncharted only with a science fiction setting and story and characters that you actually give a crap about.
Unfortunately it does lose steam in the final acts and ultimately end with a whisper rather than a bang (this is the aforementioned Condemned 2 effect, and I HATE it!). This is indeed disappointing, but just like with Condemned 2 what came before the crap was so damn good it's nearly impossible to deny the game it's accolades. Overall it's a great experience.
Batman Arkham City Game of the Year Edition BOOM! - And here is the biggun. If you've just been skimming through this blog post ignoring a lot of text up to this point, whatever, but heed the words I'm about to tell you as it's gospel. I Have often stated that I consider Resident Evil 4 and Metroid Prime to be the only two perfect games in existence. Literally no flaws in them of any kind to be found. Just pure. untouched. perfection. I'm sure it doesn't come as a surprise that I consider them to be the two greatest games ever created by man, which is a fact. I'm not just saying that. I don't say things just to say them. This is a simple truth, no matter what your own mind is telling you.
You need to know this, so you understand just how amazing the fact is that Batman Arkham City actually approaches these two timeless masterpieces of masterpieces in quality. It actually comes close, closer than any other game that has attempted such a feat. It's attention to detail, it's insatiable desire to be perfect at every single little god damn thing it does calls to memory the previously two mentioned games. Arkham City does literally nothing wrong. It's a freak of nature, like Kate Upton or Megan Fox. Every pour in it's skin, every hair protruding from it's flawless flesh, is perfect. The pacing is perfect. The gameplay is perfect. The music is perfect. The atmosphere is perfect. F*cking perfect.
The only thing Arkham City doesn't have that perhaps holds it back from RE4's and Metroid Prime's unattainable level of excellence, is it's place in time. Back when I played RE4 and MP I was much younger, and at the time I didn't know it was possible for games to be that freakishly good. Years have gone by and I've grown more immune to the spectacle in games. I've played a lot of good to great games and built up a resistance. I became a tougher critic. The fact that Arkham City was able to completely catch me off gaurd, effortlessly crush my inner video game critic, and transport me into a world of video game bliss, is astounding.
Other games I've played and am currently playing that I'm too lazy to talk a lot about
LIMBO - I thought this one was great. It's got one of the more memorable artstyles in recent memory, and I just love it's atmosphere. This game however, like Enslaved, suffers from a bit of the Condemned 2 effect. The earlier parts where you're running from the spider and other such stuff were brilliant, but before long it becomes entirely about physics puzzels, which I'm not a huge fan of. B+
Cryostasis - Great storytelling, atmosphere, and some creative gameplay elements make it worth checking out, but it runs like complete sh*t.
Alan Wake - Game looks and plays nice, and like the above two games also has a fantastic atmosphere about it. I wish it took a lesser approach to action though, as it gets tiresome fighting the same 3 or 4 enemy types repeatedly. It would have definitely benefitted from a slower, more horror-ish pace, like Silent Hill Downpour. Which brings me to...
Silent Hill Downpour - Straight up classic survival horror. Lots of exploration, limited resources, seaching for keys and items, sh*tty combat, and wonderfully tense pacing. This is the type of game I have been waiting to play for years.
Mass Effect - Mediocre gameplay, good world, story, and characters. The theme is also pretty catchy. It seems like a good game, albiet a highly overrated one.
Fallout 3 - It's kind of like Skyrim only not quite as good. I do really like how your actions influence the course of the game and story though. That's very refreshing compared to other games in this day and age where you're on a set path.
That's all the typing I can stomach right now. For those of you who stuck with this to the end, your reward is babes.
Why in the hell are you on GS reading this blog when you should be out getting drunk in honor of our fallen brothers? I'm off.
Cool game overall, but it's been a f*cking nightmare trying to get it running properly (and even now it still runs like sh*t). First off, after I downloaded the POS I couldn't even get it to start up. I would click on the icon and it would literaly do nothing. After some internet browsing I found out that I needed to download a specific version of PhysX to get the god forsaken game to even run, and I say specific because it turns out that the newest version doesn't work with it, which I found out later after hours of frustration. So I finaly download the proper driver and get the game to boot up, and when I start playing it's running at one frame per second.
Now this I will admit was my own fault because I didn't select the proper video card to run it (my laptop has two, one integrated the other dedicated). So after another hour of frustration I realised I needed to switch to the dedicated graphics card. Afterwards it finaly became half ass playable, but the framerate would still randomly drop from 60 fps to 20 and below. I literaly spent more time tinkering with the graphics settings than I have playing the game. It's most playable when I have advanced PhysX turned off but it still chugs pretty bad during scriped events and when enemies appear. Ridiculous,,,
So long story short, the game was optimized by a bunch of retarded lab monkeys. I've even seen guys in forums claiming to own $1200 rigs and still having trouble running it at a steady framerate. This really sucks because it does seem like an otherwise great game. It's insanely atmospheric when it's actually working and the story seems like it has a lot of potential. I'm just not sure if I want to put up with the constant technical problems to see it through till the end. I'll continue tinkering with the settings and hope that I can get running decently because it seems like an awesome game.
There's my drunken rant. Time for bed!
My Blizzard ID is MasterShake#1132
Feel free to send me a friend request or leave your Blizz ID in the comments section and I'll send you one.
And I don't even have time to open the f*cking thing. Working 12 hours on 3rd shift is a nightmare. I wouldn't wish it upon anybody :cry:
I know it doesn't look or sound like much at first glance but turns out that this thing is quite the beastly beast and is untoucheable at it's price range. I'm no tech wiz when it comes to computer stuff but based on everything I've read about this laptop (mainly from the feedback section of that page) it comes with two cards, one is integrated the other dedicated. The integrated one is activated most of the time for basic sh!t to save battery life, and then the 6650M video card kicks in for more intensive things like gaming. These two cards can be crossfired which is where the beastliness comes from.
Supposedly it can pretty much run any game you can throw at it like BF3, Skyrim, Crysis, and most importantly Diablo 3 which is the whole point of me buying the laptop in the first place.
I also ordered a couple accessories to go along with it...
I bought the mouse for obvious reasons (touchpads f*cking suck). People have complained about heat problems while gaming so I figure the cooling pad will hopefully solve that problem. Well there you have it, the Chuck Norris of bargain laptops. It should get to me on Monday. D3 awaits!