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A new blog? Madness, treachery, or maybe just... time.

I think the funniest thing I noticed in my time off is that some people still talked to me as though I was a mod; either wanting my help with stuff via PM or getting blamed for some heinous injustice. Even asked at one point to put my $.02 in a thread in the mod boards; they'd forgotten that I couldn't at the time. :P In any case, I'm back now; I started back right when a lot was suddenly changing, and I still don't know what the heck is going on really. I'm just kinda learning as I go for most of this, as are the rest of the mods it seems... I half-expect Staff to make an "example" of me at some point on a whim. >_>

So why did I step down for a few months and basically vanish from GS? Several of you know that I've been pursuing my Master of Arts in Biblical Studies for a few years now, but last November I re-took my area exams - the written and oral portions, and they looked me right in the eye as I sat at that table and they told me I passed. The exams serve as a sort of capstone; you take them or you write a thesis, and passing the exams or successfully defending your thesis is the last thing you take/do before getting the degree Happy day, yes it was, but it wouldn't last. A few days later I get a call saying that I was missing a class on my transcript, which had already been addressed by a previous head of the dept. After they got my message, another problem rose up - going through my transcript, they found two classes showing up as F's. Shame on them for not finding this after clearing me to take the exams twice; shame on me for not checking my grades myself to make sure that the professors had changed those two incompletes. >_>

So a few weeks after that gets taken care of, a few other problems rose up, eventually leading to them telling me that the office of Academic Affairs was putting a hold on my graduation due to GPA still not being high enough with the grade changes, but the head of the department and dean appealed on my behalf, saying that I shouldn't be punished for problems on their end (basically, 4 heads of the department, two of them interim, over the course of 4 years, with me getting cleared twice to take the exams, but there were two years that this could have been brought up, and they felt like it wouldn't be fair to me to have the rug yanked from under me b/c of their mistake). Unfortunately, the higher ups didn't agree, so I get a call a week and a half before all of this telling me that they're not letting me graduate and I should be prepared to take more classes. What do I learn from this? Verify what someone tells you, even if they're an authority figure that you should be able to take at their word. I'm not bitter toward the people that fought for me, but it tells me that I need to stay on top of things.

By the week of graduation I'm reading to make a formal appeal myself directly to the VP of Academic Affairs, but I got an e-mail later saying that they'd reviewed my situation and decided to let me graduate... this was 4 days before graduation day. Won't lie, it was one of the most emotionally trying times I've ever dealt with, to be at such a high at finally finishing only to be told that it wasn't good enough, then having a month of hell and not knowing before being told no, then suddenly told yes. I walked on Saturday the 17th of December 2011, getting a scarlet Master's hood and my degree, the whole time wondering if they were going to either pull me aside and tell me to go home or find some excuse later to say that the degree is invalid, but I've been assured by everyone that once they give you that paper, it's final. :P Such are the times that try men's souls... I think I'd be here now completely broken if I hadn't chosen to let myself feel everything that I'd been holding back these last few months.

On top of all of that, my grandfather, who was helping me study by discussing my exam material with me, suddenly died of a heart attack after an ulcer sent him to the hospital just days before. He was a brilliant man who was in med school by the age of 18 and was a medical doctor in his 20's. He practiced medicine for over 60 years, up to the week before God took him home at the age of 85. He wanted to see me graduate so badly; I'm the first of his grandchildren to pursue post-graduate education, and though I may not be a doctor like him, I still plan to pursue a Ph. D someday, which he was also highly encouraging about. I learned so much from him in these last 5 years, like my family history that traces its origins back to the age of the Norman Invasion in England (I even have a family crest that I never knew about) and the early Virginia settlers in the days of the American colonies. Even after his passing, looking through this Korean War vet's old pictures revealed that his father, my great-grandfather, was a WWI doughboy, when before all I knew was that he was the head of the school board in my hometown back in the day (fun fact re. Korean War - my cousin's husband is from South Korea, and when they were still dating and she introduced him to our grandfather, he mentioned that he'd fought in the war, and the reply was "thank you." As you can imagine, the air changed tremendously after that :P).

Losing a family member/loved one never comes at an ok time, but I never had the chance to fully grieve the way I needed do. Only one friend offered to stand beside me during the graveside and let me cry, and between work and studying for the exams, I didn't really get to have any down time (I only found out afterward that I could have used up to 3 days of bereavement time...). I knew for days leading up to graduation that with all that's happened over the last few years, the success of getting the degree could either cause me to become extremely bitter or broken, and if emotions popped up at any point during this, I needed to just let it happen. So after church the night of my graduation (lets me sleep in on Sundays ;)), the manliest tears flowed forth - all the mourning that didn't get finished, the emotions that had been building over the last few years of the grad school ordeal, the month of hellish unknown, being told that the last 4 years of your life had been wasted, then being told that it was all going forward anyway - the battle was over, and at least for a time, I'd be allowed to let the guard down completely.

I can't remember the last time I've actually looked forward to my future without feeling like something was unfinished or that I had regrets. Even now, as I need to find a teaching job for the fall and a second job to supplement my income over the next few months, I feel more fulfilled, as though what I've had to deal with turned into a story of endurance and perseverance to show that the worst can happen but you can still come out of it successful. Even in humility, it's ok to reflect and accept success once in a while, though it should be a stepping stone for future successes rather than one to rest on, especially at the age of 28. For a time I looked at the paper thinking that it was illegitimate due to how I came to get it, but one thing overrides it all - when I wrote nearly 11 pages single spaced in the span of 6 hours to take those written exams, my three professors looked at them and told me I could take the oral follow-ups. After an hour and a half of being asked all kinds of questions by two men with Ph.Ds from The University of St. Andrews and Durham University, respectively, and one with a Th.D from Union Theological, and at the end of all that they conferred and told me that I demonstrated Master's-level proficiency. In the end, it's what you can do with what you learned, not just that you can say you learned stuff, which is the whole point of taking area exams or writing a thesis - it's a practical step that you don't take if you're just trying to get a grade in a classroom.

So what's next?

As I said earlier, I'm looking for a teaching job, preferrably at the college level, and since my hours at the bookstore are being cut a bit due to the Christmas season ending, I need to get something else to help make enough money to live and still pay bills. Maybe save a bit while I'm at it? Down the line I'm wanting to get a Ph.D, but first, work and earn some money, living a bit along the way. Continue to meet and get to know new people, while letting those I care about know how I feel that from time to time - never know when it might be the last; my sole remaining grandparent turned 85 last Wednesday, and we're celebrating her birthday this Sunday. With school out of the way, it's time to bring a lot of things together and get in shape like never before, and maybe refresh or learn a foreign language while I'm at it - I still want to see Europe, whether it be a long vacation, an internship, or maybe even future studies.

Oh yeah, I'm testing for my second degree black belt in Iaido next month. No sense stopping that just because some people on the internet think I have mental issues for studying the sword and learning how to train my body to do stuff. :o

Though I'm not keen on giving Capcom money these days...

... I still bought SFIII: Third Strike on 360. I'm not anywhere near good enough as the experts, let alone have the time to train myself to compete in anything professional, but I can play these games for hours and the only thing that will stop me is the fighter's thumb. :( Mine manifests itself as a soreness under the fingernail though... really wish I could get a decent stick one of these days. Alas, I've been saying that for a decade. >_> Still, it says something in days where I don't really play that many video games, yet I can hop online with 2, 3, or 4 and just lose myself for hours playing against people in online matches, and I always find myself better at the end of the day (or night) than when I started. Dunno who my main for 3 will be yet; for 2 it's Honda and 4 it's Guy and Sakura. Makoto was always one of my favorites in 3 due to her Okinawan-type of Karate, but 4 didn't really treat her well... seems that she got buffed for AE though.

Speaking of Karate, I tested for my sho-dan (1st black belt) in Isshin-Ryu Karate a few weeks ago. After several hours of kata, bunkai, technique demonstration (which at one point they said was too flashy, so they gave me 10 minutes to take a break and start over with simpler, more efficient techniques and combs), being whacked with bamboo during a breathing kata where I was expected to keep going no matter how I got hit and punched in the stomach to make sure I'd exhaled all air at certain points (whole thing left me nice and bruised), I passed! :D So that's one of 4 major tests completed that I have to take before the end of 2011. The other 3 include my ni-dan (2nd black) test in Satori Ryu Iaido (the samurai swordsmanship style that I've been getting made fun of doing since 2004 :lol: ), the written comps for my Master's in Biblical Studies, and the oral comps for the same thing... which will result in me finally being done with grad school this December. :o

So it's been a pretty busy time. Many of you have noticed that I'm not a mod these days, and while I'm coming back, there's just been too much going on in life to devote the time to GS that I believe I'd need to be an effective mod, plus I kind of like the fact that I'm not getting blamed for anything and everything that people may not like in OT. :3 Not to mention there's a girl in my life these days that I've been spending a good deal of my free time (it happens somehow) with; hard to imagine that yes, I'm dating someone but despite my best efforts it's happening! Helps that we have a lot of common interests including martial arts; she's not too much of a gamer but likes them a lot and will at least try them out... she even started Mass Effect the other night. The best thing though, is that she accepts me for who I am. That, dear friends, is so hard to find, but worth it when you do. :)

Anyways, I'll try to keep blogging when I can, there are a lot of you that I miss, especially the ones I used to IM frequently. :(

So, leading into E3 week...

... I spent $131 on passport expenses last Friday, will have to spend $112 on bills tomorrow, $30 on fuel last week, $60+ the week before that to drive to and from school twice, $.75 on air for tires, about $50 on food in the last several days, and other expenses here and there, leaving me with about $50 in the bank and a $50 Visa gift card to use on things.

Really hope my brother and roommate gets a job soon, and that the unseasonably warm 90/32+ heat would break. Or both, as one or both would cause me to spend less. Although, even if finances weren't so messed up right now, I'm not really excited about this E3 and what might be announced. Probably because a lot of new games lately haven't interested me enough to get them, and the industry is beginning to crumble under its "AAA big money big hype" weight.

Though, things could be a lot worse. The trials of this summer should hopefully bring and end to a saga of grad school that has been dragged out way too long, and an exciting future continues to take shape. It'll be worth it... it will all be worth it.

Edit: Oh yes, forgot to mention that I have a tire on my car that goes flat every 4 days and the hinges on my Dell laptop snapped, so I'm going to mostly be using the computer that I built 7 years ago for the forseeable future. :P

Going private for a while.

The antics of a few particular users here have me kind of creeped out, and past experience has shown that my profile and blogs will probably be gleaned for any and all info they can find, so I'm throwing up the shutters for a bit. If you can see this, you're on "the list." :P

Unhealthy doses of reality lie between the creepy and honest.

Honestly, I wish there was a bit more to talk about... my life mostly consists of work and martial arts, though two of what used to be four days of that have gone out the window thanks to one of the places we met at deciding to go in more of an MMA direction. Idea being, if MMA work couldn't be put into it, then there was no point in it being there (doesn't help that my sensei and the kickboxing instructor had a falling out due to advice about teaching being taken the wrong way... some 28 year olds don't know how to listen to a 50 year old that has been teaching these things for over 20 years, it seems). I'll miss the facilities, but if that's what they were wanting to do, then I won't miss them.

Anyways, some of you may know that I'm working at Barnes and Noble now, sometimes in the cafe, sometimes as a cashier, and sometimes out on the floor as a Customer Service rep. I could drone for hours about the kinds of people I've come across there, but two stood out to me as disturbingly interesting.

One guy was last week, when I was working cashier in an afternoon-evening close shift. Some people were getting ready for trips, some were buying things for their kids, some just wanted to read because it either looked interesting or gave them something to do. Then one guy who looked like he was in his mid-30's came up with a stack of magazines and a book. First one is Men's Health... nothing to think about there, but then I noticed everything else was wrapped in plastic, which means one of two things. Either there's a CD inside that they don't want people stealing, or for legal reasons they have to make sure kids aren't going to see anything they shouldn't in case it gets dropped. Sure enough, the rest were porno mags, and he just kept staring at me the whole time, as though he was waiting for me to say something judgemental so he could make a scene. Instead I just asked him if he had his B&N member card, which caught him off guard (he finally found it after 30 seconds of searching and 5 seconds of zoning out). What was the book? 'Twas a book of lesbian erotica stories, complete with two women laying on top of a bed, legs and feet sticking out so as to cover up everything. The kindest thing I can say is that there was little doubt as to what he was planning on doing that night. :lol:

However, what crossed the line from disturbing to creepy was a few weeks ago. I was working Customer Service, where you field phone calls, help people find books, and place orders on books that we don't have. This one fellow comes up to the desk, about 3 inches shorter than me (I'm 5'8"), mid-40's to early 50's, bald on top, round glasses, round body, and pale. At CS I never take the time to form opinions on people unless if they're asking my opnion on something they may like based on books that they already own (which they tell me anyway), but this guy for whatever reason made me feel like I would need to put any and all training to good use. First thing he did was ask for a book about coin collecting that we didn't have. No big deal, he decided to order it as a ship-to-home, so I just needed to get some personal info and ring up his order. The whole time though, he's saying random things that he thinks are witty, then leans back, closes his eyes, and would do this quick high-pitched wheezing laugh that would make his face turn beet red. Weird or quirky turned into something worse with his next question, though...

"Do you have any magazines that will show me girls that are trying to come to America? If possible, I prefer those from Eastern Europe, like Ukraine or Estovia, you don't see ones like them around here! Haaaaaa he he!"

After taking a sec to process that, I asked him for clarification & told him that I didn't think we had anything like that, even after he said "You know, mail-order brides that they have from Russia? I've always wanted to see what kind of girls do that." So to indulge him as a customer, i turn the monitor around so he can see that everything he was telling me to look for (this went on for about 5 minutes) was turning up no results. Not a single one, for which I was quite glad about... he had me scour everything in the newsstand (newspapers and magazines) as well as book database, and nothing ever popped up. Not a thing. So happy that made me, but he'd constantly go back and forth between being frustrated to laughing that laugh. Eventually he finally took his pre-order form to the cash register once he realized that no, he wasn't going to find a girl-to-order catalog in our store, at which point I turned to my manager (who had been shelving some promo books and was waiting to see if I could handle it all) with a look that was somewhere between Chiyo after riding in the Yukarimobile and the way Kimura-sensei always looks (if you've seen or read Azumanga Daioh, you'll know exactly what I'm alluding to here). She commended me on my patience, but also stepped over to CS for a moment to mentally unwind, because it took me a bit to recover from dealing with creepo-in-the-flesh-seeking-foreign-flesh.

What gets witnessed on a computer screen doesn't quite prepare you for the people who flaunt it to people that they think will understand them. Dx

I have to be at work in 20 minutes, so I'll just say that Dragon Age Origins deserves all the praise I've heard, Xenogears is still a special experience despite its flaws, and I'm planning on picking up a new game this week.

Christmastime is here, happiness and cheer...

Well, I can't say it's been the cheeriest season this year, but things aren't too bad.

I didn't pass my Master's Exams, for those who don't know, so I'm retaking them in a few months. Why?

1. I was supposed to take them in July. Not that it's an excuse, but it's hard to keep up that level of focus for 4 more months.

2. A few know what happened, and I don't want to share it with the world, but a major family crisis hit the day before I took my exams. Needless to say, the timing couldn't have been worse.

3. The main problem, however, was that I was just unprepared. I was expecting to read all the material and need to be able to pull things from all of it to apply to answers, but what it boiled down to was this: read 23 books and 15 articles. What did the exams cover? About 10 of the books and none of the articles... and I was to know those books very, very well. I asked the professors a few times what in particular I needed to know, but they left those details out.

Oh well. Just means I need to do a better job with them next time, and this doesn't put me off track to find a college teaching job next fall. In the meantime, I'm working at Barnes & Noble as a cashier and a café barista. Kind of fun actually, and for a non-coffee drinker I'm getting pretty good at making espresso-based drinks. & yes, I've tried the coffee, etc. a few times, but the only thing I can stand is the peppermint mocha. :lol: Still, I get 50% off café items and 30% off most everything else; thinking about picking up a Rosetta Stone or two once I'm settled into my new apartment.

Haven't been able to game much due to lack of funds (though the job will eventually give me some disposable income), but recently I finished up Mass Effect 2, Overlord, and Lair of the Shadow Broker. Loved the game, but I need to play it through again with one of my other characters. I also found Call of Duty 4 for 360 for $10 a few weeks ago, so I'll be trying the campaign whenever I'm in a FPS mood... in the meantime, I'm playing Dragon Quest VIII again (never finished it, though I always enjoy it) and, oddly enough, the original Phantasy Star on GBA. I need more multiplayer games, but at least I've got StarCraft (the original) running on my laptop. Soon I'll be getting a new power supply, so my 2004 gaming rig can start churning again. Someday I'll build a new computer again. :P

Oh yes, in Chrono Trigger DS, I finally achieved a long-time goal I had since I played the SNES version... getting every character to **, the max level. If you haven't ever tried this gem that somehow manages to blend JRPG with a surprising amount of WRPG ideas, you owe it to yourself to play it. Now I just wonder if they'll re-release Chrono Cross and manage to make it a decent sequel this time.

Now what's my Christmas wish? For OT to have less "look at me!" threads, like these drawing threads that have popped up as of late, no more "Why doesn't this girl like me, I'm super awesome!"-type threads, and for people to learn what funny really is. Oh yes, and death to trollface, that would be kind of nice. :D Having lost 33lbs/15kg on the year, I'm hoping to lose that much this year as well.

Ok, 12:37 on Christmas Day, I'd say it's shower time. As of Monday, less lopsided glasses hanging on my face, I'm getting contacts again!

Finally taking my Master's Exams this Thursday.

And for the first time in my life I'm experiencing test anxiety... in fact it's a really bad case of it. Looks like I have a job lined up as long as I show up to the interview, but everyone's gonna be stressed and hounding me until I'm actually hired. Gaming takes a back seat for a while, though I beat Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep last week (was my brother's copy) and Vanitas' Remnant on Sunday. The Mysterious Figure/Unknown will have to wait for the next time I play and have a chance to level up & prepare. Found Mass Effect 2 for $20, but I also need to replace a power supply in my desktop that started to smell like smoke. I take a lot of flak from family and friends about things, since I am quite patient with people, forgiving, and know when things are just being projected onto me. But... this really isn't a good time, and if the next two days are a repeat of Tuesday morning, I'll fail simply from not being able to concentrate & being full of unusual fear.

Today was a bad day. Thursday might be the worst day of my life, since so much is riding on it.

My poor dog died of cancer this morning¤t=MVI_2078.mp4

He'd had a few neurological health problems earlier this year that couldn't be explained, but he rebounded and was back to his old self after a few months... 10 years old and still liked to fetch toys, run around, play, and get excited whenever you came home or came to visit. All that changed Sunday night, when a hemangiosarcoma tumor that had been developing on his spleen started bleeding. For those who don't know, this is a kind of cancer that spreads malignantly but also forms its own blood supply, and to get it is basically a death sentence for dogs... treatment for this kind may give the dog 7 weeks at most, possibly years if it happens to be on the skin instead of an organ.

It was so sad to watch his sharp decline from this evil disease; his abdomen got swollen from the internal bleeding and displacement of organs, and he lost so much energy from it that took all of his strength to walk from the dog bed to the water bowl, only to lay down and not be able to get back up. I bathed him last night after he threw up and fell in it, which I hadn't done in a few years, but he always enjoyed his baths. He died in his sleep this morning around 3, peacefully and with minimal suffering. It doesn't make this any easier though... I'm the sort of person who has trouble making strong attachments to anyone, and this little guy always loved me, even though he was very hyper as a puppy and would tend to get on my nerves (high schooler impatience FTL). Yet here I am now, with martial arts starting back after a few months' hiatus, something I should be excited about, yet all I want to do is just mourn. This past winter, spring, and summer involved a lot of reading for my Master's exams, and he would like to lay beside me, even though I hadn't been a regular sight here for over 2 years.

Yet, he's gone. At a time when many of my friends are having kids or will be having kids, other friends avoid talking to me becuase it's inconvenient or I don't have anything to offer them at the time, I have to look for a job other than teaching since I didn't get hired for the fall term & have to look for something outside of my planned field, my most loyal companion dies with only two days of preparation. What a low point, eh?

So far only two things have cheered me up slightly. One is Badly Animated Man, while the other is a quote from C.S. Lewis:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

End of a few eras.

So, today is the day that, under a few different circumstances, I would have graduated with my Master's degree. Frustrating last few days, to say the least. Since I literally can't do anything until my professors can figure out a date for my exams in a few weeks, I'm on the job hunt.

On the game front, I finished two games recently. Final Fantasy XIII was... well, I'm glad I'm only borrowing it. The lack of battle system control, poor writing, lack of inspiration in designing the world(s), and a severely misguided focus (no pun intended) in what took priority in designing the game only begin to hint at my problems with this. Pretty to look at, but no substance, and thus, very little fun besides some things you can do on Pulse. I had zero reason to care about the world of Cocoon other than the game telling me that I was supposed to, and the ending leaves many, many questions unanswered.

SquareEnix, you made me a fan with FFVI, and I've played every numbered entry besides XI. I was concerned when I first heard about the Cocoon/Pulse dynamic and some of the very odd names and titles for things, but the cinematic mess you made has made it impossible for me to recommend this to anyone for any reason. I never thought I'd say this about a Final Fantasy, but this was a flat-out bad game, and you had 5 years to put the brakes on it and choose to make a good RPG instead. If this is the direction that JRPGs are to go in, count me out, because the writing on the wall for a game like this was there since VII, but I never imagined it would go this far. Bad form on a bad game that took too long to make in the first place. I want to play more, finish the Pulse missions, and get trophies that are impossible to get before finishing the game, but... it's just really hard to motivate myself for it. Perhaps if I knew there would be a better ending for doing so, but it would be the same anticlimax with unanswered questions and the same hollow feeling upon finishing.

*starts playing Rising Sun from Okami on surround sound*

Ah, much much better. :D

So yes, today I beat Okami after what I guess amounts to a year of playing off-and-on... I don't remember when I got it, but what a game. Granted, there were a lot of parts where the game dragged, and many times I wanted to yank Issun off of Ammy's back and throw him against a rock in hopes that it would knock some sense into him, but the last 3rd of the game (Kamui) made it very hard to put the Wiimote and Nunchuk down, despite some questionable drawing control choices from Ready at Dawn. Aside from that, the dodge problem, and the lack of end credits and epilogue, a great port of a great game, and now I can finally let myself look forward to Okamiden. Finished with all 100 Stray Beads, plus I have all 9 Karmic Transformers for subsequent playthroughs. :) Very glad this has a New Game + sort of feature, plus the bonuses are just what you'd want for a game like this.

Short version: lament of what should-have-been today but need to press forward, Final Fantasy XIII makes me embarasssed to call myself a fan of the series, and a very long quest to finish Okami has come to an end. 3 eras end, only one of them I'd currently consider good. :o

How did it come to this?

It is Friday, on the 9th day of July, 2010. The scheduled day of my graduation is the 31st day of July, 2010, after months of reading and preparation for my master's exams. What's wrong?

I still don't have a scheduled date to actually take my exit exams.

As this is an independant study term, I'm not actually living on or near campus right now, but rather an hour away. On my limited income, I can't afford to make the drive every day, so most of my contact with the professors has been via e-mail besides the initial reading list setup. Also, I've been talking to the dean of my particular school, as my previous blog shows. The problem since then is that I was told to talk to my lead reader in order to finalize the date, as in the end it is the teachers, not the dean, who administer the exams (the dean handles graduation stuff though, so it hasn't been a waste). So, per my last conversation with the dean and his secretary, I e-mail my professor on the 1st of July. With it being July 4th weekend, I wasn't expecting an answer right away... problem is that now 8 days have passed, and what reply has there been? About as much as one sees on a blank wall.

Currently I'm at the school, writing this rant, with the library about to close in around 20 minutes. The teacher left early, as did the dean, and all I could do was e-mail the dean's secretary (who was working from home today) and let her know that I'm on a not-insignificant time crunch right now that can throw a rather large wrench into whatever I might be doing this fall. All that I ended up doing today was writing a resume at the career center, which has to be proofread and sent back to me next week to go over again. An unproductive day despite best efforts is about the nicest thing I can say right now, because I'm beyond impatient and am just kinda angry. I've been trying for months now to just schedule a couple of days to take some tests, which is about all that my tuition dollars were being spent for this term, and all I have to show for it are some overdue library books and a runaround.

Right now I just really want to hit something, or maybe sleep outside my professor's office so that he'd have to either walk over me or walk on me to get anything done. There's a time and a place to be angry at oneself for either procrastinating or not paying enough attention, but really, right now the only thing I feel like blaming myself for is being respectful and patient. Apparently those virtues don't get you ahead in life when you try to cross those with assertiveness, as they mistake it for passivity instead. Maybe that's why I'm single, maybe that's why I may not graduate this month. Maybe the time has passed.

Maybe it was all for nothing.