Why Modern Warfare Will Always Be King

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Brace yourself, I'm about to gush about Modern Warfare. Not because I enjoy the shooter nowadays, but because Modern Warfare's only real "competitor" to the competitive FPS multiplayer throne is Battlefield 3.

You see, my dear friend, Battlefield 3 is an aboslutely superb multiplayer experience. Extroidinarily deep, complex, rewarding, and breathlessly beautiful. There are massive customization options, amazing vehicles to master, and a destruction engine that really helps encompass the game in a feeling of real urban warfare.

What does Modern Warfare have? An outdated graphical engine, no real innovation in about 6 years, and Seizure-Inducing, Stop-Pop-Run-Rinse-Repeat gameplay that is both shamelessly shallow and addicting. Gameplay-wise, Battlefield makes Modern Warfare its b**ch. Not just a b**ch but a slobbering, whimpering b**tch. So why the f*** is Modern Warfare so much better? I'll tell you why..

Because you can play it. Anytime. All the time.

Battlefield 3 -- like Battlefield: Bad Company 2, Battlefield 2, Battlefield 1942 and Battlefield 1943 has consistent server issues.


This isn't a new issue. EA games have had horrific server issues for half a decade or more. But you don't really hear about it -- it's like gamers take it in stride -- suffering through unplayable, game-breaking lag for weeks at a time just because "Battlefield is so good". Wrong. No matter how good a product is -- car, videogame, personal sex toy -- if it DOESNT WORK HALF THE TIME, it's a peice of steaming s**t. Period.

And EA doesn't give a f***. 5 months after Battlefield 3 is released, the game is still unplayable on a regular basis, and EA's forums are filled with thousands of angry messages. So why, after 9 million copies of BF3 sold, is some of that money not gone into increasing server capacity? Why has EA not fixed this issue? Why do they not care? Why do gamers put up with it? Why the f*** did I forget about their incompetence and STILL BUY THE GAME?

So yep, Modern Warfare, Activision, Bobby Kotick, all of you virgin, weed-smoking, s***-talking 15 year olds with great K/D ratios on Modern Warfare 3 -- you made the right call. Because at least your game f***ing works.

Battlefield 3's "Terrible", "Awful" Single Player

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Confession time! Yep, I loved Battlefield 2: Bad Company's multiplayer. It's easily the most enjoyable, well-rounded, and badass effort I've ever seen in the competitive shooter marketplace. Amazingly realistic and skilled Sniping, incredible vehicular gameplay, and the ability, NO, the requirment of unselfishness in the gameplay is nothing short of genius. So I held off on buying Battlefield 3 for a long, long time (well, 5 months or so) because I know the time investment would be big.

Now that I've snagged a Limited Edition bundle for $30 and tried (and finished) the so-called "HORRIBLE SINGLE PLAYER" portion of the game, I have a question -- What the f*** are people thinking? There is nothing wrong with it, and I'd go as far as to say it's more impressive than any single-player portion of Call Of Duty since MW1.

Battlefield 3 looks so, SO much better than any Call Of Duty game. The Frostbite 2 engine is a masterstroke of technical genius. Being a weapons officer in an F-18 Hornet was one of the most immersive simulations of Warfare I've ever experienced in a videogame. In fact, it's become my new "showcase" piece to show my non-gaming friends how far videogaming has come. The sound design in Battlefield is, and always has been, peerless. My stack of games fell off my entertainment center from the subwoofer rumblings of my .50 Caliber machine gun during a mission where buildings were crumbling around me. Is it linear? Yep. Are %99.99999 of other "highly praised" SP Military Shooter Campaigns the same? You bet your ass, sex machine. Are there endless enemy spawnpoints? Yep, a few. Same with Call Of Duty, pretty much every single iteration.

So why did BF3's single-player take so much flak? Did people miss the funny dialogue between your dips**t squad-members in BFBC2? Probably. But I've got news for ya. Sgt. Blackburn and his squad of Marines are no less interesting than Captain Price from Call Of Duty. Outfitting a commander with a 70's porn-mustache and a perpetual cigar doesn't make him compelling, people. No, it doesn't. Don't fool yourself into thinking Call OF Duty has ever been more, single-player wise, than a stop and pop shooting gallery which has failed to innovate in ANY WAY over the last 6 years.

At least those Swedish bastards at DICE has the balls to build an entirely new engine to push the envelope of the shooter genre, and come up wth one of the most technically impressive games EVER MADE for it's time.

Am I saying the Single player in BF3 is godlike? Hell no. It's just decent, maybe even good. It's also a stunningly-beautiful technical achievement with the same gameplay you've been raving about in that overhyped pile of slop called Call OF Duty you feverishly plop down $67 for every 11.5 months out of the year.

Don't get it twisted.

Should You Buy These?

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Hey you crazy motherf****ers. Ever wonder what some of these new games are like that are coming out, but don't have the time/money/motivation to personally play them? Don't worry, I'll bear that heavy burden for you.

Renegade Ops (360 Arcade)

After fixing my Xbox Live issues myself (that's for another blog), I downloaded this game which came highly recommended from Adam1808 and quite a few other sources. It's a twin-stick shooter from the creators of the Just Cause series, and more specifically, the excellently cheesy and entertaining Just Cause 2. It's stupid fun, sure. Do I think it's an Arcade-Acton masterpiece? Nope. It's no Bastion, no Shadow Complex, no Limbo, and even Gatling Gears (another XBLA Arcade game that is also a twin-stick shooter). I believe Gatling Gears was/is a better game -- plus, it's cheaper, more charming, better looking. That doesn't mean Renegade Ops is bad, it's just nothing really special. I'd recommend it at a discount.

Price I Paid -- $15

Price I wish I would've paid -- $5

Play Instead: Any Of The Above Mentioned Games, especially Gatling Gears

The Darkness II (Xbox 360)

If you played the first Darkness back in 2006, you'd know that it was a special game for it's time -- based off a Comic Book series, you played a Mafia Kingpin who'd been possessed by a demon. The best parts of the original were the persistent atmosphere, the excellent voice acting and best of all -- a believable, touching romance between your character and his girlfriend. In fact, there is a scene where you "cuddle" on a couch with her, watching TV, and tell her you love her. All controlled by the player. Sounds like I'm being sentimental, but it was really well-done and unique.

"So Jbul, cut the bulls***, how is Darkness II?"

My answer? Meh.

Darkness II looks pretty good, plays pretty well, and has a decent story, I guess. I was really hoping for more of what made the first game special -- small little touches of believable humanity in a vortex of otherwise mindless dismemberment. But no, Darkness II is just a shooter. One with average gunplay, some cool mechanics, and alot of (admittedly cool) excessive gore. You can rip guys in half, eat hearts, even tear a guys heart out of his ass (not kidding, it's called an "Assecution". But Darkness II gets boring after about half-an-hour. With no heart, it becomes an overly short (4-5 hour campaign) and unsatifying shooter. Skip it.

Price I Paid -- $2 Rental.

Price I wish I would've paid -- $1 rental.

Play Instead -- Any random Emo-horror love movie (weirdo!), or, the first Darkness game.

Resident Evil: Revelations (Nintendo 3DS)

Good 'ole Resident Evil. You aren't what you used to be, good buddy. Dead Space came out of nowhere and made you look stupid, antiquated, and almost worthless. But don't worry, from the looks of this game, there's still some hope for ya. Yes, Resident Evil: Revelations is a damn good game for the Nintendo 3DS. In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's the best 3DS game available for anyone over the age of 21. It's got amazing visuals (very comparable with current gen consoles), creepy-ass atmosphere, great gunplay, and yes, even a few genuinely chilling moments (which is more than can be said for RE4 and 5). Do I feel like a turd spending 2 hours a day staring at a 4-Inch screen? Yes, but that's not the games' fault, it's my fault for buying a 3DS. This game is excellent, definitely worth owning for anyone who loves action/adventure or just RE in general. Kudos, Capcom, you gave me a reason to hold onto my 3DS for another month or two.

Price I Paid -- $40

Price I wish I would've paid -- $40

Play this instead: Nothing. Best RE in many years, get it.


Microsoft's Incompetence

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"So, you're telling me I'm going to have to wait 12-15 business days for someone to contact me to answer why I can't use my own Microsoft points on your service?" I calmly asked.

Xbox Live customer support supervisor Mel, who has a dumb hick accent "Uh, yessuh, I thunk its abawt all I can dew right naw".

"Let me ask you this" I continue, "Why do you think Microsoft has the lowest customer service satisfaction rate of any major consumer electronics company? Think it could be answers like this?"

(... silence)

"Uh, suh" she continues, clearly uneasy. "Wood you lawk me to escalate this matta to technical suppuht?"

"Do whatever you have to do so I can use the Xbox Live membership and points I purchased. This is the 5th time I've contacted your customer support in 48 hours, and everytime I hang up the phone, I have another problem with Xbox Live."


"Uhh, suh, yessuh."


"This matter has been handled with startling incompetence. I'm putting all of this responsibility on you to find a solution for me, and not in 15 business days, I need a solution sooner. I will be contacting Microsoft corporate and making them aware of how poorly this entire situation has been handled."

Then I hang up.

In the last 2 days, I've gone from an Xbox Live gold member, to a silver member (not my doing, mind you). Not only that, but I cannot purchase content with points I possess, I cannot add a credit card to purchase a Gold Membership -- I basically can't do s***.

I f***ing hate your guts, Microsoft, and your team of 8th grade hillbillies you call "Customer Support" reps.

I would throw my 360 in a dumpster, but I know for a fact Sony's customer support is equally horrific. How difficult can it be, when you're a billion dollar company, to hire a team of people who know your services and systems? Answer: It's not.

This is easily the worst customer service I've seen and experienced in my entire life. Thanks Microsoft... keep pumping that money into Kinect!

Now Playing: Saints Row: The Third

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I searched and searched, and most of the best SR: The Third pics I can't post without fear of moderation.

Saints Row has always been a second-rate GTA knock-off to me. I never played #1 because I barely cared enough for the Grand Theft Auto series to play IT, so why would I play a clone? I bought #2 during the horrible gaming draught of 2011 (Summer 2011... never forget.. SHUDDER), but returned it after about an hour of play because it was elementary and quite boring. Sure, shooting human feces out of a hose towards your enemies was novel, but novelty only goes so far (especially when the game fails to hit the mark in other areas).

Saints Row: The Third is a totally different story. The game feels like a realization of what the franchise has tried to do all along -- a petulent, juvenile, foul-mouthed, and completely badass open-world sandbox. Saints Row: The Third isn't going to take Red Dead Redemption's current crown of open-world transcendant masterwork, but it poops all over (literally and figuratively) all others in rediculous rock-and-roll spirit and pure fun factor.

Here's how you can tell if you'd like Saints Row: The Third.

1) Do you love cursing in videogames, especially the words "f***", "motherf*****", and "ass***e"? Do you appreciate when they're used recklessly, excessively, and hilariously?

2) Do you find the idea of beating a police officer with a giant purple d***o (rhymes with FILDO) hilarious and awesome?

3) Are you tired of Grand Theft Auto's needless, required, and self serious meta-games like dating, and taxi-driving (yawn)?

4) Do you want to play a cross dressing character who breakdances whenever he kicks someone's ass?

5) Do you like completely awesome missions like Skydiving into a drug-king's compound while Kanye West's "Power" plays in the background, and using strippers as human shields while killing everyone inside with WWF worthy wrestling moves?

6) Do you appreciate a game where there are 4 different animations for TESTICULAR ASSAULT including an awesome 360 degree karate chop?

If you answered yes to 3 or more of the above questions, Saints Row: The Third is for you. Not since Bulletstorm have I played an unapologetically politically incorrect, foul-mouthed, euphorically innapropriate game and felt so liberated doing so. It's a really good thing for games like this, because they serve as an example that videogames can be fun a variety of ways, technical issues and intelligent and thoughtful narratives be damned. In other words, it says "stop looking so deep and have fun".

Cherish Your Happiness

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There's a really amazing song (the only one of its type in existence) by Van Hunt called "Seconds Of Pleasure".

It's rain against a windowpane

The sound it makes

It's dreamin' the day away

It's the shine of a precious pearl

Light of the world

It's the smile of our baby girl

It's finding a moment for a thought

So pure

It's a walk along the shore

It talks about how life is about those 3 seconds of happiness you may experience a day are what we really strive for -- the brief and sometimes fleeting moments that make us feel alive.

Since I've gotten my old job back, I've been working alot, and feeling this more often than I'm used to. Working doing what I'm good at -- doing work where my unique talents are appreciated. And making some good-ass money doing it. I'm sure there'll come a day when I may take it for granted again, but right now, life is good and I'm filled with a sense of relief, nervousness, and yes, contentment.

And that's a good thing.

Dating In 2012 -- Actual Conversations Pt. 1

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Via Text Message -- Dirty words censored, but they originally weren't. All original spelling and puctuation intact.

(unknown number) I so wanna f*** you

Me: Get in line....

(unknown number) No I'll just bend over in front of you and make you f*** me I aint gonna wait in line .

Me: Who is this, anyway?

Unknown number: Ha! Someone deleted my number ! Let's just leave it the way it is forget what I said bye.

Me: I didn't delete anything, lost all my contacts when my phone got stolen (Lie)

Me: (calls the number)

(female voice answers) Hello?

Me: (taking a random guess) Tiffany! How are you?

Tiffany: (thankfully I was right) Hey, what's up? Sorry, I'm just really h***y.

Me: No worries, I didn't delete your number, I went out drinking last night and someone stole my phone. Really sucks. I'd never delete your number. Jesus, are you kidding me? (Lies, horrible lies. I deleted her number because she was giving me the run around, and lives in LA. I've been ignoring her completely as of late.)

Tiffany: I'm coming into town in a few weeks, and I want to spend the night with you. Two saturdays from now.

Me: I'll make sure I get the day off. I can't wait. Talk to you then.


What...the... ***....

Bartending? Yes Please

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After a few years of hard lessons about my career choice and floundering in bulls*** jobs full of socially inept assmonkeys, I'm finally behind the bar again. Not full time, mind you, but at least it's a start. Let us rejoice!

Best Dating Advice -- Of All Time

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In response to some superflous bulls*** whining on Facebook, this comment came to fruition --

Let's break this down -- Dating isn't about love anymore, its about convenience, and getting what you want. Sorry, romantics, those are stone cold facts based on our cultural climate where instant gratification still doesn't come quick eno
ugh. My advice? Play the game dirty. Manipulate, fight, play the game to get WHAT YOU NEED, because some magical dating fairy who makes sure "everything happens for a reason" isn't going to fly out of gods ass anytime soon. :) Just keeping it real.


Dear GlitchSpot

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Thank you for penalizing me for writing a well-written blog by NOT ALLOWING MY FRIENDS REPLY TO IT. Yes, there's 4 replies, but I'm sure at least a dozen have tried replying. Hell, I couldnt even access my replies for 2 entire days, and I havent been able to reply to anyone elses blogs for 3-4. Pllease keep up the good work. Love, me.