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343 Cancels All Future Halo e-Sports Events

In a stunning reversal just a day after the conclusion of the 2013 Halo 4 Global Championships at Pax Prime, 343 Industries has canceled all future events, effectively ending Halo's run as a professional e-Sport. In a written statement released this morning, Halo Franchise Director Frank O'Connor explained the decision:

"Things were going great, we were making plans for next year's Pax Prime, and then I met Wendy, who works at the venue where the event was held. We hit it off right away, but she was like 'Are you with this video game bullshit?' and I was all like 'What? Me? Psh. No!" So now this whole thing is basically over." 

Phil Spencer, head of 343's parent company, Microsoft Studios, was disappointed, but sympathetic. "We're all saddened to hear that Halo will no longer be a part of the e-Sports scene, but if any of us had been in Frank's shoes, we would have done the same thing. Maybe more. One time, I resigned from Microsoft and set my office on fire because I thought an Applebee's waitress was flirting with me. It turned out she just wanted me to buy a desert."

While surprising, O'Connor's turn isn't unprecedented. In 1988, Pac-Man world champion Johnny "Digital" Duggins retired minutes before he was set to defend his crown, when finding out that his hot second-cousin would be coming to spend the weekend at his parent's house. 

In a 1999 interview with Nintendo Power, Duggins admitted that she angrily rebuked his advances, but added that he had no regrets. "She was so mad she was spitting," he fondly recalled. "But some got on my lip, so it was almost like we kissed."

Naturally, some "e-thletes" are worried that their misfortune could carry over to other games, like DOTA.

"Ew, no," said Valve receptionist Missy Carmichael. "These guys are always sweaty, even when the air conditioner's on, and [Valve Managing Director] Gabe [Newell] kinda smells like cheese." 

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