It feels kinda mean-spirited to write this - I've never gotten enjoyment out of shooting fish in a barrel - but I've already written my previous post and I cannot resist to temptation to bookend my thoughts, so here it goes.
So, my friend (the one from the previous post) and I finally went to see Pacific Rim last week, and we sat around mocking it well into the night. I intend to relate a few of our better barbs to you here. But before I can start shooting, I ought to familiarise you with the target somewhat.
In the near future, a rift opens at the bottom of the Pacific ocean and monsters start coming through. At first, there is only one every few months; then it's every few weeks. During the course of the movie, they start coming through two at a time every few days, and so on. In response to the attacks of these monsters (named Kaiju) the governments, industries and militaries of the whole world club together and start building giant robots (called Jaegers) that can go toe to toe with the monsters and beat them down.
But at some point, the decision is made that continuing to build and deploy Jaegers is too costly and work commences on a wall. A wall to stop giant monsters. A wall to stop giant monsters that encircles the entire Pacific ocean. A wall to stop giant monsters that encircles the entire Pacific ocean and that collapses at the very first instance that a giant monster attacks it.
Meanwhile, a veteran Jaeger pilot, Generic Expendable Black Man #1, is put in charge of that which remains of the Jaeger programme, which consists in its entirety of: the Expendable Chinese Triplets, the Expendable Russian Couple Who Are Connected To Arms Dealers, the Totally-Gonna-Die-Heroically-In-The-End Australian Dick, the Hero, and Nerdy Asian Sidekick Girl. In Generic Expendable Black Man #1's capacity as commander of humanity's token rearguard action, he decides to mount a last ditch assault on the rift, and his plans are not even slightly re-evaluated when he loses half of his force in one battle.
Where do I begin with this? Well, I think I've pretty well covered my reasons for hating the characters; no point in lingering there. So how about that f*cking wall? How exactly is building a wall more cost effective than building robots? And even if it is more cost effective, why build it around the entire Pacific ocean? Why not just the rift? Or better yet, build a dome over the rift. Make the dome five kilometres thick; let the Kaiju squish themselves in there and rot.
In the movie, it becomes very clear that the Jaeger programme's standard operating procedure is to deploy one Jaeger to deal with each individual Kaiju. Maybe this is a result of having to protect so much coastline with limited resources. Still, the solution seems obvious to a gamer such as myself, and I shall make the solution obvious to you using the universal gamer language:
You're playing a competitive online game. It doesn't matter whether it's Call of Duty, League of Legends or Starcraft. You are part of a three person team, and you have to protect three objectives: San Francisco, Ho Chi Minh City, and Sydney. The enemy team has only ONE member, and they always spawn in the same place at a predictable time. Every time they spawn, they get tougher (higher level, more perks, whatever) and you can no longer guarantee that a member of your team will always win in a one on one fight. Also, if you lose, you are permanently banned from playing online games, because humanity with be wiped out.
That's right. The finest military minds that the human race has to offer cannot figure out the concept of "spawn camping". My friend put it best when he said, "this is called a chokepoint. Give me 300 Spartans and 150 robots. Problem solved." I mean, the rift is only 50 metres wide. 50 metres! You don't even need robots to deal with the Kaiju, just launch a missile at it when another one is due!
The whole premise is made more ridiculous when it is discovered that the Kaiju are in fact alien invaders trying to take over the earth. What the hell kind of battle plan is "send one guy and wait eight months before sending the next"!? It is discovered that the Kaiju want earth because we've made it just toxic enough for it to be comfortable for them. Well, if they have a liking for livable-yet-toxic planets, wouldn't that mean that they would have to face a technologically advanced race every single time that they try to move in somewhere new? And even once the humans successfully close the rift, what's to stop the Kaiju from just opening a new one and trying again? WHY THE HELL DO THE POLITICIANS THINK THAT BUILDING A GIANT WALL WILL HELP? WHY DID GENERIC EXPENDABLE BLACK MAN #1 AND TOTALLY-GONNA-DIE-HEROICALLY-IN-THE-END AUSTRALIAN DICK BLOW THEMSELVES UP WHEN JAEGERS ARE EQUIPPED WITH ESCAPE PODS!? WHY WOULD THEY USE A SHIP AS A CLUB WHEN THE ROBOT HAS BUILT-IN RETRACTABLE SWORDS!? WHY WOULD THEY DEPLETE BOTH OF THEIR PLASMA GUNS ON ONE KAIJU WHEN THEY STILL HAVE TO FIGHT A SECOND ONE!? WHY THE F*CK DO JAEGERS NEED TWO PILOTS!? WHY IS GENERIC EXPENDABLE BLACK MAN #1 DYING OF RADIATION SICKNESS FROM PILOTING A JAEGER, BUT NOT HIS CO-PILOT!? WHY IS THERE AN ENORMOUS SCREEN IN THE CONTROL ROOM THAT CONTINUOUSLY SCROLLS THE NUMBERS ZERO TO NINE ON A LOOP!? RARARAGLGUAERAAAALLLL!!!
I'm sorry, but this movie needs to be put down. It has a fatal case of stupid. This is what happens when there are too many writers and not enough story-telling talent: Lots of unique ideas with absolutely no cohesion or sense.
Oh, by the way, I totally effing called it.