Ive compiled this list based on my own opinion obviously. Some shows are British, so im not sure if they're brodcast in America or not.
"There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go 'ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced.' Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones. Just give generously to them all."
"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"
"Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that."
"I've got an idea - an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about."
"It's my sister Violet, the one with the Mercedes, sauna and a musical bidet. c l a ss ical, of course."
"I do apologise, Vicar, I must answer my white, slimline telephone with last number redial facilities, it's bound to be someone important."
"It's my sister Daisy. She's not the one with the gold taps, sauna and room for a pony."
"I paid a quid for these underpants and I've got about 50 pence worth stuck up me arse."
"Anthony, if that's the invisible man, tell him I can't see him."
"You can't get as rich as he is without being as tight as a cammel's arse in a sandstorm, can you? He wouldn't give you the steam off his piss, that fella!"
"Thinks the bloody world of me? Today she had a family size bag of bloody Revels, and did she offer me one? Did she *****. She sat on her fat arse, announcing everyone as she put it in her big fat gob. Oooh, Coconut, Ooooh Orange, Ooooo Malt-bloody-Teasers."
"Elton john had a bloody wife, and he still dropped anchor in poo bay"