Apparantly investing my home loan in waffles was a poor investment, according to my financial advisor. They weren't the exact words he used - if I re-printed those, I'd probably get banned :(
So, to lighten my mood I've written a script! I was tasked by my writing group to write something about a character who secretly wants to leave the IRA, and I came up with this. Enjoy!
Alan Kerry-Dea ByEgonga
The scene opens on a typical pub scene. Rough wooden tables, cigarette smoke in the air, a general murmur of conversation punctuated by the occasional rough laugh. A man in his fifties, Derek, is drinking a pint of bitter on his own when a younger man in his twenties, Seamus, approaches and sits next to him.
Derek: Alright Seamus my boy. Can I buy you a drink?
Seamus: Ah no, I'm fine t'anks. Listen, Derek, can we have a word about… you know. The organisation.
Derek: Oh aye, no problem there my boy. [To the bartender] Mick! We're going 'round back for a bit.
The two get up from their chairs and head behind the bar. There's a door leading to the back which they enter. The room beyond is bare; apart from a few steel casks of ale stacked in one corner, there is nothing there. The walls are bare brick. Derek and Seamus sit together on a pair of casks.
Derek: What's bothering you my boy? Apart from the fecking English of course [he spits on the floor].
Seamus: Well, I've heard on the Internet dat dere's another group workin' against the English [he spits on the floor] called the Al Kerry-Dea.
Derek: Really? I've never heard of the fella. Where's he based?
Seamus: Dunno. The Internet just said 'Middle East', so I reckon maybe Donaghadee?
Derek: Aye. If he were in Belfast, we'd know about it. What of him?
Seamus: Well, it's just… he's offering rewards fer people who join him. I thought he might start stealin' some of the IRA's recruits, so maybe we should offer something.
Derek: Oh aye? What's he offering?
Seamus: [Whispers] Twenty nubile virgins.
Derek: Oh aye? And what would you be wantin' with them, then?
Seamus: Well, you know… dirty stuff.
Derek: Jesus Seamus, don't be soft lad! Girls don't go around being virgins by having sex, you know. They'd probably make you marry 'em first, and then what have you got? Twenty wives? Ah no, don't be a fool my boy.
Seamus: Ah, but they might be desperate for it.
Derek: Well of course they will be, my boy! Have you ever see a virgin? You know Billy's girl, Catherine? She's a virgin. Would you want twenty of her?
Seamus: Jesus, no! My car'd never handle it!
Derek: See? Now trust me, my boy, when I say this Alan Kerry-Dea will soon be joinin' us with his tail between his legs, and no mistake. Now come on, let's get you a drink.