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Humor - Stand-up for sitting down

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It never seems to work, but I keep trying to tell my wife that my honest criticism gives my compliments that much more meaning.

Did you know the My Little Pony reboot has more male viewers between 20 and 30 than it does young girls? They refer to themselves as "bronies," and there are probably a few among you. As a place to learn moral behavior, generosity, and kindness toward your fellow man, I'm pretty sure My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is gradually replacing religion. Next time I'm conflicted between right and wrong I plan to ask Twilight Sparkle. Either that or Patrick Stewart.

I'm convinced that Star Trek is almost single-handedly responsible for the decline of racism, sexism, and bigotry in the United States. From the original series with the first televised interracial kiss, to a Scotsman as Chief Engineer, and an Asian man at the helm - whose actor later came out as gay - you went to the Next Generation with a woman as Chief Security Officer. Well, until she was killed, anyway, and replaced by a black man playing a Klingon. You even had a black, blind Chief Engineer, a pre-pubescent boy at the helm, and Whoopi Goldberg as- what did she do again?

The next two spinoffs had a black man heading a space station and a woman as Captain. The positive effects have rippled through our society and unified us under the commonly-held belief that everyone regardless of race, age, creed, religion, or sexual alignment has value except Australians. Ever seen an Australian in Star Trek? Yeah, I thought not, mate. Don't believe me? The only Australian actor to ever appear in a role in a Star Trek picture was Eric Bana in the 2009 movie, and he played Nero. That's right: The villain.

Plato%27s_Stepchildren_kiss.jpg

I complain every time I stand in front of a vending machine. The prices are ridiculous, yet every time I walk away and forget to take the change from the tin.

It is possible to be have your kids be the most important thing in your world and still want to drown them. Oh stop it, I love my kids more than anything! Except when I don't.

I had a delicious, well-balanced, international day of food, with Indian food for lunch and Mexican food for dinner, followed by some beer before bed. The next day - first thing in the morning, actually - I began to understand why the elderly are so obsessed with meticulously managing their diet.

It might be hard to imagine today since most Americans associate the Indian accent with telemarketing and customer support, but I think some day we'll find Indian accents endearing, like how we think a southern drawl is sweet entrancing now that it's started fading away with an increasingly mobile population. Now finding someone with a southern accent is like finding an endangered animal. You want to capture it and keep it in a cage next to your bed so you can listen to it whenever you want.

"Say, 'Y'all come back now, y'hear?' Say it, or no bread for a week!"

Seriously, though, some day American ladies are going to be all about the Indian guys, if only because they're so considerate in bed.

"Thank you, come again!"


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