Difficulty:

Easy

Time Spent:

10 to 20 Hours

The Bottom Line:

"Broken"

Boros here, and I need to make something clear. I consider a number rating of 7 to be average, not 5. So, if I had a game that I enjoyed, but had noticable flaws, I'll give it a 7. If I'm not too fond of a game, it'll get a 5. Now that that's clear, let's talk about a pile of shiny poo.

Paper Mario Sticker Star is the 4th installment of the Paper Mario series, the previous of which I found to be gems. Super Paper Mario is my favorite out of the series, because of the story line that I found to be the best in the series, but it got a negative outlook because of the change to the gameplay. Platforming instead of RPG style didn't sit well with the hardcore fans of the series. When this game was anounced as a "return to form" and back to the classic RPG style, fans got hyped, and naturally, I did too.

However, in the days leading up to the release, I was a little more than sceptical. When I heard that the combat system was based around stickers, and that the main jump and hammer attacks were usable items, I was dubious. Why in flying donkey s#1t would they do that? That's about a logical as nailing your dick to a subway train! That would be impossible to balance properly, because either they would put a limit on the stickers that you could use and the game would be too frustrating, or they'd let you have access to your entire arsenal and it would become too easy.

When the game came out though, you discover they opted for the second one, but tried to limit your arsenal by giving you 4 pages of stickers that you have to rearrange for optimal efficiancy. This is probably as balanced as this gameplay can get. It's still not very good, and it's still a bad idea. It's like putting a burger into a broiler using your face as the spatula. Sure, the burger might get cooked to flamebroiled perfection, but your face will get cooked to perfect 3rd degree burns.

There's also a stronger emphasis on puzzles, which sounded weird at first. Paper Mario as a franchise didn't many puzzles besides pushing foot into face, but when you start to play this game, you find out real quick that "puzzle" means old-style adventure game puzzles, and that they make about as much sense as those games too. Puzzles in which "logic" means using a table-top fan to blow a windmill so you can get through a door. There was one instance in this game when you have to put a refridgerator into a volcano in order to freeze the lava solid so you can cross. That's not logic!! THAT'S F&@#ING BAT S#1T BONKERS!!! That's like trying to unlock a door by setting a pinecone on fire, and spinning around in circles! Someone probably should've laid off of the mushrooms to make this game.

Another problem I have is that battling is pointless in this game. There is no benefit to fighting at all, and there's a punishment as well, in the fact that the battles reduce the amount of stickers you have for the boss. "So, what if the player runs out of stickers during a boss fight where they can't run, but they can't fight either?", says the game developer. "That doesn't sound very fun." "I know!" says the developer that gave the name to the Nintendo Wii. "We'll let you run away from the bosses, defying all game logic and never giving the player a hint that they can do this, so the only way they'd know they can do this is to just try it." "Why on earth would we do that?" "To appease the farret that lives in my head!"

So, now that I've ripped on the gameplay enough, I think it's time to talk about the all-important story aspect. I mean, after all, the other Paper Mario games were strong in this area, so it's only fair. The over-arching plot involves the sticker star falling into the mushroom kingdom, which only happens once every 100 years. Yeah, sound familiar? It's a little reminicant of Mario Galaxy in a way. Anyway, the sticker star has the power to grant wishes, so Bowser, of course, wants to use the power for himself to kidnap Princess Peach, you know, that old chestnut, and accidentally touches the star, and this causes the thing to explode into 7 different crowns... *rubs temples* Someone had to write that... One of the crowns falls on Bowser's head... Now, wait a minute, how did that happen? The thing blew up! Doesn't that mean they'd scatter everywhere? A clever writer would've sent Mario, Luigi and Princess Peach in a race with Bowser to collect all of the crowns, like they did in Thousand Year Door, but no, the most powerful crown falls on Bowser's head, making him unstoppable. By the way, Luigi is barely in this game at all. He doesn't even say anything, so he might as well not be there at all. Anyway, Bowser then kicks everyone's asses and kidnaps the princess.

The opening cut scene snifs it's own farts a wee bit, but it's not just that. There's a running joke that sums up almost all of the humor in the game, and it gets old fast. They're made of paper. Large chucks of the game are just people prattling on about how being paper is fun, or horrible. There's also another joke that sticks out to me. It, um... well... It has a pedophilia joke in it,...and it's not subtle. It's not even funny, because of how obvious it is; It's just wrong.

I had one complaint I've been saving until now, and that's your sidekick, Kersti. Basically, Mario had a sticker fall on him, too, but this one doesn't make you super powerful. It just calls you thick and begs to be rescued all of the damned time. She is one of the most entitled little s#1ts in gaming. Her purpose was supposed to be someone to help you when you got stuck, but when you ask her for help, she just calls you a dumbass, and complains some before returning to your pocket. I think of Navi from Zelda if she was hit by a steamroller, and decided to b1#ch about it for the rest of her life, and she doesn't improve until the very end of the game, during the final boss fight, so thats a good 10 to 20 hours of listening to her b1#ching.

You might ask, "Is there anything good in this game?!?" Well, the levels are at least interesting, if a little bland, but this game favors a world map rather than a hub base, like in the previous ones, so the openess of the games is cut down a lot. Also, in the most erect of dick moves, the game requires you to back track and play through levels to find something you couldn't find the first time. So, the game is also padded, like a minstrating fire hose. Having to stay in world 3 for a good 5 of the 15 hours it takes to beat the game, and world 2 took 3 hours to get through. I can't believe I have to explain this to a company that's been making games even before I was a sperm, but Nintendo. There's a big difference between making a long and fun game, and just wasting my damned time.

So, to sum up everything I just said; This game is almost completely crap, and I wouldn't recommend it to a f%@#ing insane asylum, much less any sane being who knows a good thing from a stick up there ass. Give it a miss.