Umbrella Corporation requests bailout
APRIL FOOL'S DAY: Company founder begs Senate for $100 billion aid package in order to avoid imminent collapse, "unfortunate accidents."
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Executives from the Umbrella Corporation today asked the US government for nearly $100 billion in aid money. They said that without such funding, the world's largest pharmaceutical bioterrorism researcher could go bankrupt as early as June. It would be the company's second bankruptcy, having restructured several years ago after running a gauntlet of lawsuits and criminal investigations.
;)
"This isn't just about keeping the Umbrella family together, or making sure our 10,000 employees have paychecks to put food on the table," Umbrella founder Ozwell E. Spencer said in an impassioned speech to the US Senate earlier today. "It's about hope. It's about mom, baseball, and apple pie. It's about keeping the United States at the forefront of exciting fields such as pharmaceutically mind-controlled supersoldiers."
Spencer said that simply powering the containment tanks at Umbrella's Washington, D.C. facility of supermutated biological weapons costs several million a month. He added that the company has been genetically engineering these creatures, which can no longer be deemed "human," so that they can sustain themselves only on the flesh of the perpetually homeless. Although Spencer stressed that only grown males were intended to be among the sustainable food sources for these creatures, he did admit that, "There are some glitches that have yet to be worked out." Last month's glitches alone tallied three women, a small orphanage, and a stray cat.
Opponents of the proposed Umbrella bailout, such as Senator Ron Davis, have criticized the company for stepping up its outsourcing in recent years. "Umbrella practically owned Raccoon City as the rural town grew into an industrialized metropolitan center," declared the senator. "But after the city was devastated by an unrelated catastrophe, Umbrella turned its back on the hard-working Americans of Raccoon City who survived physically, if not mentally. Instead, the company turned overseas, using subsidiaries to set up operations in rural Spain and the African nation of Kijuju, where labor is incredibly cheap and frequently homicidal."
After Spencer's appearance before Congress, Atlantic Colgate Securities' Wilson Evans downgraded Umbrella stock from "Hold" to "Sell."
"After years of stagnant revenues and slipping profit margins, we have lost faith in this management team," Evans said in a note to investors. "While they undeniably lead the world in turning ordinary people into turbo-freaky killing machines with, like, a bajillion tentacle knives, we are beginning to rethink the profit potential of furthering humanity's evolution by devastating the world's population. Also, we believe the corporation faces customer confusion issues, as Umbrella has been responsible for roughly a dozen different viruses on the market in the span of about a dozen years. Do they really expect consumers to understand the difference between the T-Virus and the T-Veronica Virus, or Las Plagas and Uroboros?"
In other bailout news, after being denied federal funding last month, the Mishima Corporation declared Chapter 7 bankruptcy today. "It turns out that holding a no-holds-barred international fighting tournament to determine the company's CEO wasn't such a hot idea after all," lamented one executive who wished to remain nameless.
The above story is (obviously) fictitious, and was written as part of GameSpot's annual April Fool's Day celebrations. Its content is purely satirical and comedic, and is not intended to be interpreted as an assertion of fact. It also does not reflect the actual views of GameSpot or its parent company, CBS Interactive.
654 comments
Don't bail em out! They got theirselves into this mess, they can get out just by selling their products. I mean how were they able to generate funds for their research to make these BOW's and weapons in the first place. Wait a minute... I think the output from Antartica is the reason for the need of bailout. Output ceased cause the workers are frozen at their posts. They should focus on making the work environments habitable and tolerable.
This literally makes my stomach turn and hurt. That incredibly sexist line about only men being food, what is that?? That disgusts me! Not only is it morally wrong it is cannonly wrong. If you are going to make a sickinly sexist article on a (formally) great series then at least get your facts straight. Not much of this is correct at all, and why would Umbrella talk about the Zombies? Not good quality at all. Plus it makes me sick. It may be for just fun but this is morbid.
Do Hunters even get worker's comp? What about holidays? And no, being frozen solid for unknown lengths of time does not count as winter vacation time. And you know that a zombie army must cost a lot to physically maintain, but what about maintaining their happiness? I think that Umbrella should put a little more effort into maintaining a comfortable work environment, and a little less on finding and hiring people that look like five different guys. Maybe then the water purification facilities wouldn't be unsanitary.
I think Umbrella needs bailout sense there is so many employs thats gonna be out of work. Whats gonna stimulate the military and the police, what is the good police officer in a small town gonna do when there is no zombies? US you need to bailout!
To those who said "ZOMG! No Tekken 6!", don't worry because you'll still get it! The way bankruptcy works is that it gives the Executives and CEOs a big kick in the shin to reorganize their budget and cut pork. The Interstate Bakeries Corporation, who make the Hostess and Drake's brand of foods, were still making their products when they went through bankruptcy and they're still going strong without the bailout money. Now compare that to what Umbrella Crop. is doing when they're in trouble. If this gets passed, it seems they'll still continue being irresponsible for their actions, this time using the money of responsible taxpayers! As much as it's great to support self-defense and your local American Firearms Companies, I prefer a safe street over an infected street anyday. :P
I honestly didn't think this was funny, but that's just me. However, if Umbrella Corp nears June and realize that they're more than likely not going to be getting this money, they may accidentally "drop" one of their many viruses in select cities across the world. Any money that would've gone towards saving the economy will end up going right back to the military in order to fund a mass quarantine around the world. This could be a problem in the near future
This was awesome and nicely put together. If it wasn't for a few lines and if there were a few changes, this would've sounded very realistic.
lol pretty funny ps: you gotta understand basic politics for this joke to be understood nice joke Gamespot
This is considered an April Fools joke? What's happening to this tradition? I'm with the others here, they got to be believable to be considered April Fools jokes. Even the 'aunt May' and 'Ostrich Hammer' (I want to use that hammer) had some basis in the world of games, this is just some random story about some fictional corporation. Funny? Sure, in it's own way. April Fools joke? Not in my opinion.
the tradition of telling a "believable lie" goes back to 600 b.c. Persia and the Sizdah Bedar or "thirteenth begone" tradition of telling the "lie of the thirteenth" The most important thing about the Lie of the thirteenth - same as April Fools - is that it be believable. Did anyone really find this believable?
Oh sh*t, Mishima corporation gone bankrupt dammit, no Tekken 6! D: Also, Umbrella, THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MESS WITH STRAY CATS YOU COLD-HEARTED BASTARDS!
Cant you see? This was Tricell's plan from the beginning!!! They would unite with Umbrella, go through the motions, and wait until Umbrella messes up. They faked the death of their president, and now that Umbrella is gone again, Tricell can take over! how could we be so blind?
Ah great, there goes my stock! Another company gone under, but then again I can only blame myself, after seeing what happened in Racoon City, I should have known better than to invest in Umbrella, ella, ella, ella...
lol the mishima company has gone bankrupt because of having a fighting tournament. Oh no! No tekken 6!
hey boxfire, they already have a zelda movie.. its called Peter Pan and it was released in 1953
Oh hah! i get it... they did this because it's april fools day. Right? say yes..... please? I like to swim.
Oh my goodness! I can't believe the US government is bailing out a company that caused the destruction of Raccoon City.... This is bad, really bad! The end of the world is coming.......................:)
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