Boros plays one of the more hated games ever, and he agrees with that hate.

User Rating: 1.5 | Metroid: Other M WII
Boros here, and to be perfectly honest. The Metroid series as a whole has only left me luke warm. I don't really hate them, but it just seems that alot of them could be better than they are. I've never really beaten many of the Metroid games either. With only having beaten 3 of the numerous games of Metroid, this being one of them, you could say I never was a big fan of this series. The only Metroid games I ever really liked was the Metroid GBA games, like Zero Mission, and Fusion. Metroid: Other M is the other Metroid game I've beaten, but that's because it was so interestingly bad that I had no choice but to beat it. I don't think Team Ninja got one thing right in this game.

This game was developed by Team Ninja who was before this known for that Dead or Alive Volleyball thing, or as I like to call it... "Super Bouncy Jubbly Happy Fun Time." It was a game plagued by stupidity, and yet, it had boobies so we bought it. So, Nintendo looked at this and said, "Yes! We need this kind of reputation for one of our strongest willed female characters, Samus." The result of this obviously brilliant move is a game with a story that sucks park benches dry of ass sweat for nourishment.

I know everybody and their grandmother complains about the story of Metroid: Other M, meaning normally it'd be something that I try to ignore. However, due to the absolute retchedness of the plot, I don't have any choice.

It must be said that if this was a first game chronologically, then the plot would make alot more sense. It'd still be cliche'd and overdone to the point of sheer mediocrety, but it'd still be better. Chronologically, this game is supposed to take place after the Metroid Prime series, so there is simply no excuse for what I've seen in this dung heap.

Let's just get to what everyone complained about and that's the power up system. Basically, Samus has all of them, but won't use them until her commanding officer, Adam, authorizes it. Samus has bad father issues with him in this game. She was part of the platoon under his control in the space military after her parents were killed, so maybe it make sense that she would connect to him as a father figure. What doesn't make sense is that after she left the space military due to the sexism she faced, she became a bounty hunter, then went on several adventures before this, so you'd think that she'd have more common sense to just disobey at times. Hell, the first boss involves having to use the ice beam, which she doesn't use until Adam yells at her to fire the f@%king thing. Perhaps the most ignorant of these moments is when she blunders through a lava covered terratory without the Varia suit, which is the suit that is needed to get near lava. What kind of senseless s#!t is that?! I don't care what kind of relationship Samus and Adam have, it's not the kind worth third degree burns. I just get the picture of Samus standing in lava without the damned suit. "Adam, I'm doing what you asked, and not breaking any of the rules you set. Love me, daddy!!"

It seems like alot of the characters put their dumbass dails to full blast that day. There's a scene where a character sacrifices himself to blow up the Metroid wing of the ship, when there was no need for him to be in the wing to blow it up, because Samus detaches the wing FROM THE OUTSIDE OF THE WING! GOD DAMMIT! Even if there was the flimsy excuse that the wing didn't have a destruct button on the outside, then wouldn't the atmosphere of some other planet that it might crash into burn the f@&ker up? On top of that, if it didn't crash into a planet,... then problem solved! The Metroids are just floating around in space. If none of those possibilities were true, and it crashed into a planet without an atmosphere to burn up debrie, then that planet was screwed to start with, because other evil things probably took it over, and unleashing Metroids on that planet wouldn't exactly make things much worse. Oh, but that's not the stupidest thing. The stupidest thing is that the Metroids show up later anyway. That whole scene is completely pointless, along with overly dramatic.

It seems to be in there only to add some character development to Samus. Which, by the way, her character arch is very simular to that of J.I. Jane. She was a part of a military division which didn't respect her because she was a girl. She became more and more bitter towards her fellow comrades until she left, and started bounty hunting, to eventually rejoin them in this as an older wiser woman... SUPPOSEDLY! While nothing particularly wrong with it, it's a story I've seen a million times, so it's so dry and predictable, that there's sand in all of the crevases.

Also, Team Ninja's attitude towards women seems to shine through. Samus was a very bold independant spirit, but in this game has to be surronded by a military platoon constantly, just because Adam demands that she behave, and she won't disobey daddy. It all comes to a head when the military platoon has to save her when she was struck with fear at the sight of Ridley, which is only the 50,000th f@&ing time she's encountered that thing throughout the series. Seriously, is she just having memory problems or something? She fought that thing WAY too many times, so why was she stunned with fear? One could argue that she thought she killed it, but she killed it 50,000 times already! Why would she be suprized about having to kill Ridley for the 50,001st time?

Also, in possibly the dumbest thing in plot I've seen in a video game since the time based things in Sonic 06. There is a generic cast of military operators who have slightly anemic personalities, with the exception of maybe the token black guy, but that might be because he does stuff other than just being there. However, it turns out that there is a traitor among them killing them off one by one. There is even a boss fight with him where you can't see his face. So, guess who the traitor was! Seriously, guess, because it'd be just as good as any guess I'd have. They really must've forgotten to finish that part of the story, because they never tell you who the traitor is. They even keep referencing the traitor after the boss fight with him, so I think they just forgot to resolve that storyline. That is simply inexcusable! What if I was telling you a story, then just stopped to go on to another story, and never reference the first story again. You'd be confused out of your ass. This is easily one of the stupidest things I've seen in a video game, and I've never heard of this happening in any other game.

As far as it goes, the voice acting in the game is pretty poor. Everybody else is ok, but Samus sounds like she's taking the monthly stock of oatmeal in an old folks home. She drones on and on...and on ...... and on. It gets really boring, really fast. On top of that, most of the dialogue is clarifications of things that the special ed class could've already guessed.

Oh, god! ...Well, that's about it for the story, but s#!t... I haven't even gotten to the gameplay. It seems like the tried to make a 3D version of the 2D games for GBA. It seems ambitious, but the problem is in execution. First of all, the world itself is smaller and more linear than in Fusion, restricting the world to the size of a f@%king NES game. Hell, even Metroid for NES was bigger than this. Second, the games controls... Just, the games controls... It uses that Wii d!ldo in the sideways position, and uses the D-pad on it for movement in 3D. It feels sticky at best, but I'd forgive it... If there wasn't another option. Doesn't it seem more logical to use the Wii Nunchuck for 3D movement. However, there'd still be the problem with the missles. Using the missles involves pointing the Wiimote at the screen to aim the missles, and flows like anal beads into a virgin butthole. Also, there not much of a way to move while aiming the missles, so if you're being shot at, trying to shoot missles at them is almost like saying, "Here, kill me!" There's also points where killing an enemy involves jumping on them using a full charged beam to do an execution style attack. They look cool, but because of using the D-pad for 3D movement, jumping on an enemy is much harder than it sounds. It only worked in Super Mario 64 DS due to the size of the D-pad, and the speed of the game. Here, it's just f@%ked up.

In all of my years, I've never seen or heard such a bad Metroid game. It'd still be a bad game without the label of Metroid, but as a Metroid game, this game sucks the c^m off of truckstop bathrooms, and buttf@&ks itself with porcupines. It makes me want to lobotomize the writer with a spatula, but I'd be too late, because the writer must have done that himself. Also, whoever decided to make those kinds of decisions with the gameplay would probably do better AFTER a lobotomy with a spatula. The game is a gaggle of s#!t biscuits, and I can't recommend it to anybody. I honestly wouldn't wish this game on my worst enemies.