Don't hit the brakes at the Finish LINE

User Rating: 8 | Mario Kart 7 3DS

I don't drink anymore. Well, almost never. I'm not exactly sure why I stopped. If I had to point my finger at something I'd probably point it at the fact that I've also stopped "going out." There's no point anymore. I'd rather spend my times doing things I really like doing, one of which requires me to be in tip top physical shape and be up at the crack of dawn on Saturday and Sunday morning--cycling. So booze slowly went down the drain.

Mario Kart 64 is one of the greatest games of all time. I played the shit out of that game and so did my friends. One of the "go to" games at any sleepover party. That, and turning off the lights and guessing who's touching each other's nipple. Years passed, and while we didn't keep up with the nipple rubbing, the MArio Kart 64 action ensued. This is probably why it's one of the greatest. Any game that lives on long, long passed it's original release must be at least considered for such an award. Even today if the stars and the moon line up correctly, you could find me and my old buddies playing Mario Kart 64. However they're all off doing they're own business these days. Like getting high and kissing the butts of their superiors in the workplace.

Last month I bought Mario Kart 7, the first Kart game I've played since 64. So yes, that means no Gamecube or Wii version. Since I plan on getting Mario Kart 8 for the Wii U I thought it was best to see what Mario and his gang of karts have been up to all these years. Would I like it? Would I just think that Mario Kart 64 is better? Only one way to find out: Play with my undies; play with my jimmy tango; play with my basketballs; and play Mario Kart 7.

The essence of Mario Kart 64 never left. I was able to jump right into the action and preform semi-decent on the track just by harnessing my Mario Kart 64 skills. I felt the urge to be Yoshi or Toad and after selecting Yoshi I was greeted with the first major change. Whether the Gamecube verison or Wii Version kicked this idea off, I really have no idea. The kart is now customization. Different characters still carry over different traits, and now those traits can be further customized by the type of kart you select. Basically, now there is a way to make the heavyweights a little faster and the lighterweights a little slower with better handling.

Cruise me Tom Cruise, Cruise me! Gameplay is absolutely solid, tight and addicting. Ramping up the difficulty to 150cc will surely be testing your video game skills. Get in 1st in all the 150cc courses and I'll buy you a carrot cake with a hooker on the inside. I'll ship it to you first class UPS. Overnight that baby. You'll wake up in the morning and BAM it will be at your front door step. For FREE. No Charge. No Customs invoice. Just a cake with a babe.

Mario Kart 7 isn't perfect for a couple of a reasons. One is the course design. I just feel like Nintendo didn't go balls to the wall in this category. Truth be told I really do think all the new courses are great. But maybe the better word is "safe." They're all cute and clever but none of them blew me away. The music wasn't unbelievable either. While I can't remember the courses, there were a couple songs a really liked and the rest were just "meh."

Most importantly Mario Kart 7 does an excellent job at carrying forward the Mario Kart legacy. There is so much fun to be had you can't measure it with words or with a trash bag. Take your skills up against the CPU, take your skills up against the world of online, take your skills up against the ghosts of streetpass. Mario Kart 7 is going to challenge you, punish you, please you, and probably not seduce you. LEave that one up to your fantasy lover to do. And zipper your pants up. Your mom is about to walk in the room.

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