"Patrick the Alien - Part 1"

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rigbybot127

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#1 rigbybot127
Member since 2011 • 269 Posts

Here is the first chapter of my new mini-series, Patrick the Alien, which I am writing to hold people over while I write my (very long) novel, Burglar Skullman. 

Let me know what you guys think about it. I'm always up for some constructive criticism. :D 

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BLaverock

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#2 BLaverock
Member since 2013 • 71 Posts

Your paragraphs need work; anytime there's a new speaker, you need to start a new paragraph. Consequently, it was very difficult to follow the dialogue. 

 

 

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-Saigo-

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#3 -Saigo-
Member since 2006 • 301 Posts

"You would do well to think on the positive side!" speaks an unfamiliar monkey with a cartoonish, African accent...Ok, this isn't going to fly. Well, unless you're intentionally trying to be a bigot and a racist.

I jump up, and amidst the joyful feelings, attempt to dance with a broken leg. I promptly land on my face. "Oh, yeah. My leg If you have a broken, and untreated, leg, you're not going to forget about it and try to dance.

"Spin? Are you crazy?! I have an ill leg I don't like "ill" as a description. It just doesn't work. His leg isn't sick...it's broken.

I use stealth Stealth isn't something someone uses, it's something someone does. This is like saying, I used jumping to leap across the room.

I come across a unfamilar door an unfamiliar door

exactly like thermal vision What exactly is thermal vision? Infrared? This is a perfect time to describe what he's seeing.

and a ferociously injured man I like this. Good word choice.

Overall, this is pretty decent. The first thing you'll want to fix is the paragraphs, like BLaverock said, because right now your dialogue is impossible to follow.

Other than that you really have to change the monkey bit. I'm not saying you can't have a racist character, but with the way it's written now, it makes YOU look like the racist.

Regardless, with a few fixes here and there your writing is strong. Keep up the good work.

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rigbybot127

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#4 rigbybot127
Member since 2011 • 269 Posts
The monkey is supposed to be reminiscant of Rafiki from Lion King, voice and appearance; I'll apply your critiques to my existing chapters, and make sure the third chapter is flawless. Here's the second chapter:  Patrick the Alien - Part 2.