Pitch Black the shooter. Follow up to The Replacement

Pitch (Culver) Black was a black smith turned shooter. This is a bit too "telling" and isn't making this fact very interesting. Try to draw the reader in by giving them some possible hint as to why they want to find this fact out later. I'd go with something more along the lines of, "Pitch was known about town as a world-class smith. What he didn't realize is that, today, he'd garner a much different reputation." Something more refined than that because I'm tired and can't think too well, but I think you get the idea.

He was working late one night at his shop called the Auto body. You need to format formal names and titles correctly. One of his walls had a 16ft wooden rack that held metal bar irons.  Next to his work table he had a wooden keg full of horse shoes.  His fire was hot enough to melt a bar of iron just to soften it up so that he could hammer it flat. I would add a bit of personality to the description of his work space. What do these items mean to him? How do the affect the surroundings besides just being there? Paint an environment with your words, not just a picture.

He pounded away at the iron over his anvil until he had the right shape.  It was the perfect and just to the right shape and size to fit his chest. He was making a suit of armor. Show rather than tell: you could show the pieces as he's putting them on and sizing them and show that he's making armor.  He strapped it on under his shirt to see how it would feel. 

Off in the distance about 20ft away was his homestead. 20 feet away isn't really "off in the distance". His wife Amanda Culver usually is by his side in the shop but she wasnt feeling good so She was in bed waiting for Pitch.  She finally fell asleep after an hours wait.  

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Otherwise, I would avoid using coloquial terms such as "Ingin" in the body of the piece. If Pitch wants to call them that, that's another story.  You tend to change tenses while you're writing, which disrupts the flow. There are a lot of areas where you are describing events chronologically without imparting emotion which would connect the reader with your piece and make these events meaningful. 

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He wants to take a look at his face to see what kind of a creature would interrupt his life and turn it upside down.  I am just a black smith that didnt hurt anyone.  You stepped on my soil and blew up my home.  You took my love away from me.  I am going to hunt your kind down until there is no more of you Demons!  He didnt find the first one that he shot.

I like how Pitch is muttering, but you need to break this up from your exposition via formatting to show that he is muttering or thinking. This kind of issue happens throughout your piece when you have someone speaking, or people taking turns speaking, so you should familiarize yourself with how this is portrayed in formal writings to make it more readable.

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The "show, don't tell" advice is appropriate for a lot of your piece. There are many places where you simply tell the reader what happened or what a place looks like point blank instead of letting them realize things themselves, or feel the environment you're creating. 

I can tell that you have quite a story inside you, but it's getting bogged down by formatting issues and a lack of an emotional connection to draw the reader into your story. There are a lot of great points where you describe how Pitch is feeling, and I want to see more of that! For example, I enjoyed when you wrote:

He drops the dirt and the wind blows the dust in the direction in which he will go. 

It gives insight as to the way Wolf's mind works, that he depends on nature to show him the way. You said quite a bit with that simple sentence.

I'd suggest editing what you have and getting your formatting down and resubmitting, it will be a lot easier to read that way. I look forward to reading more of the story.

Thank you for taking your time out to read this. Sometimes I need to get the idea out of my head before I forget it. I am trying to get this put together to connect to the "Replacement" story that I wrote. Just for giggles. I do like the feed back.

Thank you.

kyle

I'm very glad you enjoy writing :) Us Justicars would also love feedback about our feedback, so if you would like more/less/different critique on anything, please don't hesitate to ask!

Thank you for taking your time out to read this. Sometimes I need to get the idea out of my head before I forget it. I am trying to get this put together to connect to the "Replacement" story that I wrote. Just for giggles. I do like the feed back.

 

Thank you.

 

kyle

kyleshamburg