Bioshock Infinite: As Flawed and Beautiful as Faith

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rigbybot127

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#1 rigbybot127
Member since 2011 • 269 Posts

My newest (non-satirical) review; Bioshock Infinite: As Flawed and Beautiful as Faith. (spoiler-free)

So, how has my writing improved, or declined? Let me know down below. 

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c_rakestraw

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#2 c_rakestraw  Moderator
Member since 2007 • 14627 Posts
Working on a critique now. Was hoping to keep it simple, but it spiraled out of control into something way more intricate. Had to move it to Microsoft Word to make things easier. So, uh... look forward to it?
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c_rakestraw

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#3 c_rakestraw  Moderator
Member since 2007 • 14627 Posts

I haven't forgotten about this. Just struggling with how I'm going to post it. Posting it all straight to GameSpot won't work due to formatting, nor would screenshots due to the comments being cut off because of their length. Making things way harder than they should be.

I'll get it posted as soon as I'm able. Sorry for the wait.

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BLaverock

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#4 BLaverock
Member since 2013 • 71 Posts

Thanks for your blog post and the review on Bioshock Infinite! I'll definitely have to pick it up in the near future :) As for a critique, I wanted to point out your use of commas. Here's one sentence I wanted to look at:

It has many wonderful plot points that never go anywhere, disappointing, underutilized characters, horrible non-plot related NPCs, muddy textures, and a disjointed narrative, but what is done well, is done very well, as the narrative is still pretty good, and epic, despite its flaws, and there are a few good characters, including Booker, who is one of my favorite video game protagonists in a good while; and some pretty good, fun, strategic, if slightly weightless, gameplay, and an amazing, diverse gamespace that, sadly, never reaches its full potential. 

First of all, that's a HUGE sentence. I noticed you wrote this sentence as if you were speaking it, and you use commas as if you were pausing to take a breath, rather than using them to distinguish between people, places, ideas, and things. If I were to rewrite this sentence, it might look something like this:

Along with many wonderful plot points that, unfortunately, never go anywhere, there are disappointing and underutilized characters, horrible NPCs unrelated to the plot, muddy textures, and (sometimes) a disjointed narrative. But what is done well is done very well, and the narrative remains relatively good--even epic at times despite obvious flaws. Also, there are a handful of memorable characters, including Booker who has become one of my more recent favourite video game protagonistst. In addition, the gameplay is fun and strategic, though slightly weightless at times, and includes an amazing diverse gamespace that, sadly, never seems to reach its full potenial.

I've broken your sentence into a paragraph of four sentences. Now there's lots of ways to rewrite this, but the important thing is clarity. And usually, clarity is best achieved through short, concise sentences. An excess of commas can lead to the creation of rambling sentences, which risk losing their point and threaten to leave the reader wondering what was the point in the first place? My advice is to work on separating your speaking voice from your writing voice. Punctuation is the way, the truth, and the light.

All in all, it was a really good review; I enjoyed it, and found it very informative. Also, the balance you struck between reviewing and sharing personal insight was excellent.

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#5 c_rakestraw  Moderator
Member since 2007 • 14627 Posts

Here. Sorry for the wait.

Part 1: http://imageshack.com/a/img812/8946/hdv8.png
Part 2: http://imageshack.com/a/img138/9647/5op5.png
Part 3: http://imageshack.com/a/img132/5167/vb4y.png