Zariah

Oh, it's been such a long time ever since I've written a story here on this board! Well, over the past months, my writing skills may have improved so I've decided to give it a shot and make another story! Please voice out your opinions on it! ^_^So I present to all of you my new story which I call Zariah.

--------------------

Prologue

"So, you still wish to resist?" the menacing demon asked.

"To purposely succumb to your power, would be the ultimate dishonor." the woman replied.

She picked up her sword, hands shaking, eyesight fading. She was wounded terribly, soaked with blood and it was clear that she was having difficulty even standing.

"My brother lays at the deepest depths of hell, every single hour, his horrified screams go through my mind. My mother and father cry out to me every single day, they have been victims of your vile treachery. The suffering you have caused...it will end NOW!" she shouted.

"Your persistence will be your end Zariah!" the demon said in a very intimidating tone.

She ran towards the demon, sword in hand with her eyes burning with rage. The demon gave one amused laugh and prepared his warhammer for an attack. With her heart racing and her lungs burning, she clashes with the demon and gives one final blow to end it all...

--------------------

Unfortunately, I only have the Prologue done :( So feel free to voice your opinions on it! ^_^

Well, there were a couple of things I personally thought would have made the dialogue flow a little better like: instead of saying "To purposely succumb to your power, would be the ultimate dishonor" the woman said." I think replied would feel better considering she is replying to his question.

"Your persistence will be your end Zariah!" the demon said in a very intimidating tone." I'm not sure the intimidating tone is necessary as it seems very intimidating as it is! ;)

Anyway, I thought it was very good and loved the dialogue so write more, now, please! :D

Well, there were a couple of things I personally thought would have made the dialogue flow a little better like: instead of saying "To purposely succumb to your power, would be the ultimate dishonor" the woman said." I think replied would feel better considering she is replying to his question.

"Your persistence will be your end Zariah!" the demon said in a very intimidating tone." I'm not sure the intimidating tone is necessary as it seems very intimidating as it is! ;)

Anyway, I thought it was very good and loved the dialogue so write more, now, please! :D

Foolz3h

[QUOTE="Foolz3h"]

Well, there were a couple of things I personally thought would have made the dialogue flow a little better like: instead of saying "To purposely succumb to your power, would be the ultimate dishonor" the woman said." I think replied would feel better considering she is replying to his question.

"Your persistence will be your end Zariah!" the demon said in a very intimidating tone." I'm not sure the intimidating tone is necessary as it seems very intimidating as it is! ;)

Anyway, I thought it was very good and loved the dialogue so write more, now, please! :D

Platyphyllum

Bear in mind that my critisms were completely down to personel preferance and if you are going to change it on my account then re-read it and make sure you prefer it as it is your story. ;)

And you're welcome. :)

Prologue

"So, you still wish to resist?" the menacing demon asked.

"To purposely succumb to your power, would be the ultimate dishonor" the woman replied.

I think you're lacking a punctuation behind "dishonour", though I'm not quite sure. I would also get rid of the comma after "power", but that's just my opinion. I like how "power" and "dishonour" rhyme!

She picked up her sword, hands shaking, eyesight fading. She was wounded terribly and she was soaked with blood and it was clear that she was having difficulty even standing.

There are too many "and"s in this sentence. I would get rid of one or two and replace them with commas, also removing "she was" before "soaked", as it seems too repetitive. I also think that "even" should be put before "having".

"My brother lays at the deepest depths of hell, every single hour, his horrified screams go through my mind. My mother and father cry out to me every single day, they have been victims of your vile treachery. The suffering you have caused...it will end NOW!" she shouted.

There should either be "and" before "every single hour", or you should change the comma after "hell" to a full-stop. The comma behind "every single day" should also be changed to a full-stop, as the sentence after it does not directly relate to what she has just said.

"Your persistence will be your end Zariah!" the demon said in a very intimidating tone.

I would put another comma behind "end", but I use British English, so that may not be necessary in American English. I agree with Foolz3h about "intimidating tone" as well, as the dialogue is mighty intimidating already. If you really want the adjective there, maybe you could try changing it to "menacingly".

She ran towards the demon, sword in hand with her eyes burning with rage. The demon gave one amused laugh and prepared his warhammer for an attack. With her heart racing and her lungs burning, she clashes with the demon and gives one final blow to end it all...

I think "clashes" and "gives" should be in past tense instead, because you used past tense all throughout the story until there.

At any rate, my comments are only my opinion. I think it's a very good start; the story itself drags the reader in, and there isn't any real problem with grammar, only a little with punctuation. I look forward to seeing more of your works!