Some things I've written.

So this is the introduction to a story I'm writing.

Here is a complete short story I wrote.

Here is another story that's connected to the second one.

So yeah, the first and third stories are more recent (although the first one I listed is unfinished, that's just the opening scene) and the second one I wrote almost a year ago, so it's not as good. Any and all critiques are appreciated.

Also be warned that there's strong gore and language in these stories.

Thanks in advance!

"Instead, it was engulfed in war, and there was so much destruction, cities razed, people killed, the government essentially fell apart."

As it reads now it should be "that the government". 

"No one there really knows what happened over in other countries, and, quite frankly, they didn?t care.  The biggest concern was just living to see your next meal. "

Deliberate wordplay? If not it should be their next meal.

"those that don?t are ended."

That didn't were.

" Stupid names, but they worked just fine for determining who was who."

:D

"including a ski mask"

A ski mask isn't a complete black. :P The ski mask.

"torso, including his neck"

Neck isn't part of the torso. and instead of including. xD

"Wasting no time, he knelt down, choking."

"Choking him", unless it's the attacker choking?

"bove him exploded"

Should be explode.

Anyway a pretty good start. I like that the opening begins not with the protagonist but his victims. A rather filmic way of doing things!

"Instead, it was engulfed in war, and there was so much destruction, cities razed, people killed, the government essentially fell apart."

As it reads now it should be "that the government".

"No one there really knows what happened over in other countries, and, quite frankly, they didn?t care. The biggest concern was just living to see your next meal. "

Deliberate wordplay? If not it should be their next meal.

"those that don?t are ended."

That didn't were.

" Stupid names, but they worked just fine for determining who was who."

:D

"including a ski mask"

A ski mask isn't a complete black. :P The ski mask.

"torso, including his neck"

Neck isn't part of the torso. and instead of including. xD

"Wasting no time, he knelt down, choking."

"Choking him", unless it's the attacker choking?

"bove him exploded"

Should be explode.

Anyway a pretty good start. I like that the opening begins not with the protagonist but his victims. A rather filmic way of doing things!

Foolz3h

Yeah that's kind of what I was going for, almost an action movie kind of feel. Thanks for the tips I'll be sure to fix sometime.

On the introduction to the story:

It is kind of an ellaborate backstory if all it's going to be for is a gang war. The war having such global effects isn't all that believable. Yet, calling it the end of the world seems silly - even when it is admitted to be an exaggeration.

Anyway, the action scenes are good and the story has potensial. I'm really glad Chet and Donny didn't turn out to be the protagonists, particularly since Donny is one of the most cliché gang member names ever. 

" Jack awakened with a start."

I've never heard that phrase before, what does it mean?

"and began to yell, only to find there was duct tape over his mouth."

I find it hard to believe he didn't realize that right away.

"The hitch hiker stared at him, and his eyes stared at Jack"

Second part of the sentence is weird. In what other manner could the hitch hiker possibly be staring at him?

"The hitch hiker pulled out a gun, aimed it at his ___ head"

 I first thought you meant Jack's head, so I suggest adding the word "own" to avoid confusion.

Hes going to stop your dad from hitting you 2.

I would stick to letters in writing, unless there is a large complex number like 5237 or something.

"He was eating a sandwich slowly, as if contemplating the existence of the sandwich with every bite."

I just wanted to say that's such a brilliant description.

"(He died a few seconds after the fifth bullet entered his heart.)"

I thought a bullet to the heart meant an instant death.

All in all, a great red. It had me in constant suspense, wondering what was going to happen. The end was a bit dissatisfactory though. I don't get why Azazel would make Jack see all that when his whole purpose was to get killed. It is also a bit annoying not knowing why Azazel has those unnatural abilities. 

--- 

"She couldnt remember anything, aside from the one that the picture conjured. "

The one what? It would make more sense if the first part of the sentence was "she had no memories".

"High heels were on her feet."

That is a wierd way to put it. Makes it sound like they are actually attached to her skin.

"Grabbed it tight"

Sentence lacks a subject.

"I bright light shined"

A bright light you mean?

On the whole story. Wow, that is twisted as can be. I thought it was well written and I did not see the end coming. I had kinda assumed it would be a lot like the other story, with Azazel coming in at the end to finish the whole thing. I have one objection though. I don't know the English term for it, but your writing-styIe is kinda distanced from the person, which becomes particularly clear in lines like these: 

"She had no idea that it was from blood loss.  In-between the slash on her knee, the gunshot wound on her shoulder and her head trauma, she was in terrible physical condition. " 

I think making it so that what we read is what the character sees and what we know is what the character knows would improve the tention a little bit.

Also, just as a person preference, I'd recommend either having an empty line between paragraphs or starting a paragraph three spaces out (or both). Makes the document easier on the eyes and makes it easier to know when a new paragraph begins. 

" Jack awakened with a start."

I've never heard that phrase before, what does it mean?

"and began to yell, only to find there was duct tape over his mouth."

I find it hard to believe he didn't realize that right away.

"The hitch hiker stared at him, and his eyes stared at Jack"

Second part of the sentence is weird. In what other manner could the hitch hiker possibly be staring at him?

"The hitch hiker pulled out a gun, aimed it at his ___ head"

I first thought you meant Jack's head, so I suggest adding the word "own" to avoid confusion.

Hes going to stop your dad from hitting you 2.

I would stick to letters in writing, unless there is a large complex number like 5237 or something.

"He was eating a sandwich slowly, as if contemplating the existence of the sandwich with every bite."

I just wanted to say that's such a brilliant description.

"(He died a few seconds after the fifth bullet entered his heart.)"

I thought a bullet to the heart meant an instant death.

All in all, a great red. It had me in constant suspense, wondering what was going to happen. The end was a bit dissatisfactory though. I don't get why Azazel would make Jack see all that when his whole purpose was to get killed. It is also a bit annoying not knowing why Azazel has those unnatural abilities.

---

"She couldnt remember anything, aside from the one that the picture conjured. "

The one what? It would make more sense if the first part of the sentence was "she had no memories".

"High heels were on her feet."

That is a wierd way to put it. Makes it sound like they are actually attached to her skin.

"Grabbed it tight"

Sentence lacks a subject.

"I bright light shined"

A bright light you mean?

On the whole story. Wow, that is twisted as can be. I thought it was well written and I did not see the end coming. I had kinda assumed it would be a lot like the other story, with Azazel coming in at the end to finish the whole thing. I have one objection though. I don't know the English term for it, but your writing-styIe is kinda distanced from the person, which becomes particularly clear in lines like these:

"She had no idea that it was from blood loss. In-between the slash on her knee, the gunshot wound on her shoulder and her head trauma, she was in terrible physical condition. "

I think making it so that what we read is what the character sees and what we know is what the character knows would improve the tention a little bit.

Also, just as a person preference, I'd recommend either having an empty line between paragraphs or starting a paragraph three spaces out (or both). Makes the document easier on the eyes and makes it easier to know when a new paragraph begins.

waZelda

Azazel is a running character I have and I plan on writing a story solely about him some day. But at the end of things Gone By, I kind of meant that death was what Chris wanted, which is why he was killed by Azazel. chris wanted Jack to know all of the reasons that he is killing him. I kind of wanted it to imply that he isn't doing it completely by his will, he feels like he HAS to do it and didn't want Jack to hate him for it. But thanks for all of the tips and stuff. Azazel is a demon of some sort, like I said I want to write a story all about ihm. In another story, where I heavily imply Azazel to be the antagonist but it's never really said, a character asks him why he's doing everything and Azazel says "Because it's fun." So he's a demon who enjoys making people suffer, and that's the excuse I'm going with for now.