Opinions on Script?
Absolutely, dude. It'd definitely be good practice for me-- I'm doing two semesters of Writing for TV + another semester of Screen in the fall. Easiest thing to do is save it as a PDF, throw it up on Google docs. I've seen people using scribd before, but you'll need to ask someone else about that.
As a testament to the above method, I posted this a while back as an extra (part of my portfolio I used to get into my major program)... I used Celtx for formatting.
Nice. Well, I read it over yesterday morning, but it seems to be blocked now, so I'm going off my memory.
For your first screenplay, it's pretty solid. You're doing more things right than wrong, and that you're filming everything yourself it means you can get away with a lot. More on formatting later, if you want to bring it to "industry standard." Otherwise, I'll make some comments about the story. As stories go, I'm tired of zombies in general, but I do have a soft spot for zombie shorts. I've seen some really cool post-apocalyptic student films on youtube and a lot of that has to do with cinematography and effects. Although most are pretty skimpy on story, maybe you can change that.
When Matt first leaves his home, there's some great, natural sounding dialogue from his mom. However, I never quite got a sense of how old Matt was--the way his mom is yelling at him makes him seem no more than fourteen years old (although he drives, has his own bank account). Similarly, we never get a real reason why he's going to Cali. I think that could play a big role in shaping Matt as a character (does it for a job? For a girl? For his friends?), or maybe if he's trying to just get away from his overbearing family, you can focus more on that.
Any screentime we can soak up with the Connors makes the ending all the more poignant. Kate's just kind of naggy, the dad is kind of stoic, and little Anna is kind of typically kid-sister ish. Although for whatever reason when the parents mentioned Anna, I got it in my head that Anna was Matt's girlfriend that he was gonna walk out on (and you really had my attention at that point...) but no, she was just the sister who cries into a pillow. When me or any of my siblings goes away, it's just like, good! Finally! See ya hopefully not too soon! The dynamic between Matt and family could definitely be explored more, because I'll admit, I did not know what I was getting into when I first read it. The shift was a surprising one in a good way. But since your theme is about family and regret, that's the angle I recommend you playing up.
On the issue of the Judges, it seems to me that's a lot of story to pack into a short, if you know what I mean. Since they fill the role of villainous bandit, you could leave them anonymous and the story would pack just as much punch. Pausing to explain who they are is unnecessary imo, as humans turning on humans is a pretty widely accepted thing. Just having the Judges as local badmen who roam the suburbs is scary enough--the moment you give them names and dialogue it kills any sense of mystery and tension you've built up. Especially when there is the leader + incompetent henchmen, they tend to be relegated to Stormtrooper or Indiana Jones-Nazi buffoons. Why not make them cold and almost as savage as the zombies they're surviving against? If you do this, I think you can free up the dialogue between Jake and Matt to be more character based, rather than an explanation about the Judges (world based). I like having Jake in the story (although I'm jaded and knew he was done for from the start) but he seems underused... this comes back to the California explanation, but even then it makes sense that Matt wouldn't travel alone. There's room for you to play around with him some more.
I liked the scene with Matt in Anna's room. When Matt was with his dead parents, I'm not really feeling the zombified mother part. I'm not sure what having that action of him needing to kill her served, to be honest. Seeing them dead would have been enough. If you want to go dark you can play up Matt and Kate's relationship as toxic to the point where Matt wants to get away from his family or else he'll end up putting a cleaver through his mother's skull as a result from all her nagging. That'll certainly say volumes about his character! What you do need to axe, however, is the monologue at the end. Remember that screen is a visual medium, and this part definitely needs to be told through actor emotions and actions, otherwise you veer dangerously into overdramatic high-school play territory. No sorries to dead people unless the scene really warrants it. Even then, reconsider it thoroughly.
I like the ambiguous ending, but there are some things that need to be set straight. My money is on Anna being the newcomer at the end. I'm not sure what Matt was reading in her room (seemed to be good news), but it's pretty unclear. I assumed Anna left a note explaining that she was gone as well, and the thought of her safety was the good news-- so it is kind of unlikely it would be Anna who shows up at that moment in time. If it isn't, and it's a zombie, I like the bleak angle even more. The false hope leading to zombie bite ending would also say a lot about Matt's character, if you're going to go that route. Now here's something that crossed into my mind, and I know I shouldn't be giving out suggestions, but it'd be a fun "wow" ending if Matt found his parents dead, and it turned out Anna was forced to kill them, so he comes back to a completely different person in the end. The transformation of suburban kid sister to broken survivor woman is even more fascinating than Matt's transformation, and the beauty of it is that it's off screen. Think about it.
But overall, you can write a fight scene, and the camera directions tell me you've got the film playing out in your head. Start shooting, and at worst, you've got the start of an intriguing piece that comments on the human condition to keep with you, mull over and make even better. You want to tell a story, and that's already a great start.
Some tips on formatting:
-Watch your sluglines. Don't forget INT/EXT and time of day, not just location.
-Excessive capitalization. The purpose of a screenplay isn't to shock its reader with jump scares--capitals are mostly for telling the sound guy what sounds need to be added in post. Capitalizing actions/objects are mostly for plot purposes, if the word is integral to the story and cannot be changed during shooting. You don't need to capitalize "slam" every time, etc.
-My prof actually doesn't let us write in camera directions, but since this doubles as a shooting script, it seems fine to me.
-Remember that you're the barest of narrators. You say how a character looks, but do not need to go into elaborate explanation why (if this can be shown visually). This is not a novel, and there is no omniscient narrator. And even then, the most you need to do is explain where a character goes or what he says-- leave the actual acting to the actor. If the story is told visually well enough, you do not need to backtrack with explanation.
-Attempt to space out your action (everything not dialogue) as much as you can (good guideline is 4 lines... my example is not the best because I had to cram everything into 25 pages max). Makes it a lot easier on the eyes.
Otherwise cool. You wouldn't believe the wacky ideas some people get when it comes to formatting, and these are people in fourth year. I've got the utmost confidence in you. Keep writing and hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it.
Reading it over, some bullet points that need revisitng:
-More spacing (please). It's easier on the eyes for yourself and your actors, and remember that 1 page ideally translates in 1 min of screentime. Not when all your action is bunched up into one paragraph lol. Aim for a space between 3-4 lines.
-When I said focus on the relationship between Matt/parents, I didn't mean to make Matt a huge jerk. :P Need to give him some reason he feels like he *needs* to get out of the house, because his parents seem like pretty cool dudes in this draft. I do like that he explains his real reason to Anna, but you didn't need to make him a grouch in the first 2 pages or so.
-Look out in your parentheses that you're keeping it short and simple. Instead of "(brushing it off disrespectfully)" you can just go with "(disrespectful)" because brushing it off is very novel-y, if you know what I mean. You can cut a lot of that stuff out.
-New line after parenthesis, so it should look like:
        CHRIS CONNOR
    (softly)
He already has...
Those margins are way off, of course, but if you're using celtx, after the name, hit enter, hitting parenthesis should bring up and close it off, then when you hit enter again once you're finished, it should jump right into the dialogue section with correct margins.
-Just putting KITCHEN or GARAGE is harder to keep track of than putting the entire slugline (it's just easier to find each scene this way). Try to include your INT./EXT. and etc.
-Love that Jake and Matt are having a conversation, but look for ways to trim it down more naturally:
      MATT CONNOR
What kind of message are we sending
if we start breakin open cans of
dog food? People will start losing
hope. On the other hand, we need
it.Â
I like the sentiment, but it's just really on the nose. Maybe if they start looking for human canned food but the place has already been ransacked and dog food is the only thing left; Jake sees no problem with taking it but Connor refuses, wanting to hold onto some semblance of his dignity. But the only thing is, this idea should be implied and never spoken. So losing hope and stuff shouldn't be said out loud but the viewer should understand that is what Matt means. Good rule of thumb is to try to keep dialogue to three lines at the most so your characters aren't standing around giving each other speeches.
-Still not feeling the Judges as an organization, tbh. Having Jake explain who they are really saps the energy from this part of the script, especially with this being a short film. The Judges can exist, but at this moment, the last thing I want is to know more about them. Have you watched The Road (2009)? In terms of tension and fear, Hillcoat does it exceptionally well. None of the enemies have names, but just in the way the protagonists have to hide makes them seem so much more dangerous, even if they seem like regular people.Â
-You want to convey the most important information, so careful not to repeat yourself.
Palmer struggles with this plan, obviously frustrated. He
clearly doesnt like it. He slams his fist on side of the
house, then responds.
           JAKE PALMER
     FINE, but I dont like it.
If it's clear that he doesn't like it, he doesn't need to say it, or the other way around. Just slamming his fist is more than enough.
-Still not warming up to the ending monologue. I personally think you should re-evaluate its necessity.
Please Log In to post.
Log in to comment