Nostos - Episode 6 up - season complete

Nearly to the end of Night Two. Boy, it was starting to get boring in there for a minute, and then along came sergeant West to spice things up! Cool scene, and some great character development on his part.

I have some reservations though. Now that we're switching from character to character a lot, the passages are getting confusing. I suggest seperating them in a different way than what you're doing: tell one character's POV at a time. That way when we get in someone's head, it's THEIR head, from start to finish. It works wonders in the Wheel of Time. Another reservation is that conversation between Arturo and Tyrone. At the end of their talk we hear there's a "damp mood" hanging about, but I didn't get that in the conversation at all. I suggest tossing in some narrator's observations, like, "Tyrone put down his glass none too pleasantly, then replied..." or something to that effect.

It seems we've got something going though, if the pace is starting to drop from a jog to a dangerous walk.

I sort of see what you mean about POV. Are there particular passages where you can point me to them? Because I admit when writing a few of these scenes (particularly during this leg of the episode) it all bled together, like television scenes where there's just onscreen action. I think this is the point where I mentioned I had as little internal monologue as possible (that's why I didn't care for the one info-dump scene above), so the reader just follows the action through their own lens. But I would like to see if I can fiddle with it, so anywhere you feel is the worst offender just throw it in my face :P.

I see what you mean about the Arturo/Tyrone convo. I didn't mean so much for it to be "damp" haha but if that's what you got from it I could work it a bit to be more like that. If that feeling came from the "From his seat, Locke breathed a quiet sigh of relief" bit, I think the line might make a bit more sense by the end of the episode. Thanks for the crit, on both points.

I'm not making progress particularly fast, but I've made some progress.

So there is a leader who is a generally unlikeable guy, his name is Anton Heideman and by his supporters he is known as "the Father".

You don't have to be Glenn Beck to figure out who this guy should remind us of.

:P

Coalition doesn't necessarily represent the "America" of this universe, keep in mind. You might be able to spot other tidbits if you're careful.

I'd appreciate it if you cut the uncensored version of any future episode into parts, too. When I post a critique the post usually contains details derived from the entirety of at least one document; I don't have the memory to go back to the exact point I left off on online reads, and I don't know how to make a specific bookmark on any one point on an online document so I'd very much like it if you compartmentalized it for the readers.

More importantly, GS's s****y coding is making me difficult to grammar-scan your work, as EVERY SINGLE QUOTE IS HOLDING ME UP BY ABOUT FIVE ***** MINUTES BECAUSE IT THINKS THAT YOUR USERNAME HAS INVALID CHARACTERS IN IT! :x

Dark shapes moved silently forward, temporarily blotting out ___ view of the starsSharpie125

There should be a "their" there, though those must be some pretty big (or really, really close) ships for that to hold true.  

After a minute, the voice cackled over the speakers againSharpie125

Crackled.

He was slightly older than the commander and seemed o be a firm believer in military discipline.  Sharpie125

To.

"You're all dressed up," Drake said, eying the man. "What's the occasion?"Sharpie125

Eyeing. 

Including your little dive-bomber __ our last outing."Sharpie125

Missing word? 

I have to send more good people to their deaths than __ have the option to save from harmSharpie125

I.

watching the refugees with distainSharpie125

Disdain.

"Whatever you got left, you throw it at them. Don't be frugal here. We need to make sure they ruin."Sharpie125

Run.

There's a lightning storm going on now, so I'll just post this and be back after it's subsided.

Alright, the technical mind in my head has to shake its head at some parts of this story (shockwaves don't propagate through space, so a ship wouldn't rock just because something nearby blows up). However, I have to remind myself that this is a space opera and not a hard science fiction setting, so all the unrealism has to be excused because:

a) it is necessary for the story to even function and

b) a very small section of readers knows what is unrealistic and what is realistic, and a smaller section yet cares. 

So I'll reign in the scientific analyst in me, unless you want me to point out which parts could be "realism-ed up" without damaging the important bits.

That said, I don't know if it's the length or not but I really enjoyed that read. It reminds me of Starcraft II and Battlestar Galactica squeezed into a single work; and they are fairly prominent space operas. The combat scenes are (mostly) detailed and visually intriguing without breaking the flow too badly, the background is given subtly yet in portions good enough to satisfy my curiosity, and the plot carries this dark, harsh and gloomy theme that I prefer in my science fiction, and it gets the run-down industrial feel of the whole work across very well.

The allegorical nature of the background seems rather blatant, though; especially given the German names you gave to the political leaders who are responsible for the Coalition's mess. I can't quite articulate why, but that made me roll my eyes; it just reads in a cheesy way that you basically say "this is Nazi Germany and it has German names and Nazi practices" to get the point across. On the good side, the portrayal of the factions agrees very closely with my worldview - that is, there are no good political powers in the universe, and all your options will lose you the game - so there's a hundred points up for that.

Still, I ironically think that the weakest link in this story are the characters. I'm finding it extremely difficult to connect emotionally with anybody except for Aden and Sin. Tyrone doesn't interest me at all, and I think the "civilized criminal" thing he's got going on is coming along in a rather tacky fashion. Arturo's got some potential with the reflections on how different the situation is for him and blah blah blah, but I think what would bring him out is a big, big mistake - something that shows him to be a human being who can judge a situation wrongly with disastrous results. 

Thank you, thank you for coming down here :) I really mean that. I always respect your criticisms and I think this'll push me to start/keep writing again. Hopefully you'll stay tuned :D. Can't believe you ran through the whole thing. You deserve a proper thank you from me.

I do want to qualify that I am terrible at science and physics so I write sci-fi like a 10th grader. The "rocking" was admittedly very BSG (like the onscreen CGI bits) and I was struggling to write it any other way. But I am always looking to polish, and if you've got pointers, I would definitely like to see where I can tighten/change up.

As for the names, I agree. I inwardly cringe while going over them, so I'll try to move with a lot more subtlety in the future. I hate deciding names, and this is the same for "Darkstar". I'm gonna be honest and outright say, this was just a concept for some Halo fanfiction I wanted to throw out, so I am really looking to change a lot up to make it more original and if I have to gut it... I'll gut it. I was just very inspired by those U-Boat stories and how the sailors allegedly were the least "evil" of the Nazi regime.

Now, on the subject of Tyrone. I have a fondness for him because he was my "on-ramp" to the story, and without writing his side I would never have gone back to finish the other half of the story with the military. That being said, I think I've run into a wall with him. I have the rest of the season planned out in a basic skeleton and he serves his purpose, but there is the obvious disconnect for his role afterwards. I'm not sure if I should change that, or just let it play out. (This would lead into a much lengthier explanation of the planned events and I don't want to feel like I'm dumping my entire story on you :P. But if you ever feel like it...)

I hear you on characters. I'm hoping the rest of the season will develop the characters more, and if you've got tips on anything regarding characters, that would be fantastic. I've got an idea of what Arturo will do (disastrous consequences, eh?) and I think for sure my characters in high positions will all make mistakes sometime down the line.

So thank you, once again, Barb. This is has extremely awesome, thanks for taking the time to get through it and critique. Your comments are always welcome.

I think the political aspect could stay, but the aesthetic could be altered to make the analogy less obvious. Naturally, when we invoke the horror of Nazi Germany, it's the "Nazi" part rather than the "German" part that scares us. You have a ***-ton of episodes coming up (well, you better have, or else) so there's plenty of room available for this kind of content. Whatever you choose to do, throwing out the totalitarian aspect entirely would be the option I would least prefer.

I think that if you explore the fascist government issue as how it directly affects the characters (say, it turns out that Arturo had actually lost a close relative/lover/friend to AH's state police, .etc) then it would work wonderfully at showing the regime's brutality and overbearing nature. It's like the scene at the start where a city-sized port's worth of people get killed - I don't know the victims and I don't know the murderers. Yet I still feel horrified for the victims and outraged at the murderers. Once I start hearing about exactly what atrocities this government has committed, my attention gets grabbed immediately, and I feel what you want me to feel. 

As for Tyrone, if you think that you're going to have to make a radical change to fit him in something important, and that said radical change is going to damage your story something fierce, then keeping him in the darkest corner may be a good option. If you think you can keep his prominence without hurting anything then go ahead. Personally, I'd like to see his gang of criminals stay relevant for at least a few more episodes. You might be able to eliminate him and keep the illusion of importance by giving him a heroic death like Sledge, but I don't think series writers do that to the characters they particularly like. 

I'm far from well-versed in the science of space fiction, but I do know a few general principles of realism that plagues a lot of "Hollywood Space Opera" settings (Star Wars is probably to blame here, since it popularized a lot of them). Here's some that I can note about Nostos:

• Space fighters don't have wings. One that is designed to go in and out of atmo would be able to have them, but they would still be retractable. They don't have a function in space besides making the fighter larger and hence easier to shoot.
• Asteroid fields aren't actually very densely packed; they tend to be very, very far apart without much danger of smacking into a ship unless you deliberately try and ram them.
• Missiles have an enormous range. Guns have an enormously short range (by comparison). In any space fight between fighters, chances are they'll get pulped by a missile (which doesn't need a contact hit to kill since it has shrapnel) long before getting any opportunity to shoot off a 20mm autocannon. If you have an anti-missile point defence system this will be less of a problem (make the PDS good enough and there won't be a problem at all) but the story gives no indication of the Wolverines having them. Either way, using the 20mm autocannon as the PDS sounds like a last-resort tactic. 
• Silencers don't make gunshots quiet. They just make it difficult to discern where the still-very-loud-noise originated from.

I don't know if you're willing to alter the writing (there's a LOT of scenes you'd have to edit) just to fit all of these changes. But I wouldn't hold it against you if you ignored these details, and neither would about 98% of your readers.

"As for Tyrone, if you think that you're going to have to make a radical change to fit him in something important, and that said radical change is going to damage your story something fierce, then keeping him in the darkest corner may be a good option." (Sorry, the quote or italics tags aren't working for some reason :\)

This is a subject I have mulled over in my head a bunch. I don't know if the character himself is to blame, or what, but the way I have my series outline structured, each prospective season is a little different than the last. By this I mean from the outset, I always envisioned a pivotal, climactic scene in a universe with a bit of scientific-magic hoo-ha going on and a politically driven background between all major players (who are not necessarily human by origin). The problem was, the scene was so *huge* that the story leading up to it couldn't be told in one book (or season) without losing its impact--ie: major characters die, a certain ship is "destroyed"--so I spaced things out and now it's something like my fourth season finale.

But Tyrone and space-western are big in season 1, after that, I'm not sure. I'll even say it becomes a lot like Stargate after.

[spoiler] Now when I go back to plan, I feel like I've written myself into a corner just a bit in the first season. Does it feel like a human-only universe to you, or do you think there is room for the fantasy aspect? The way the first season goes, it is pretty much a conflict between space pirates, space gangsters, and the Coalition themselves. There is a pivotal plot device I have upcoming that will divide the fleet and it has more to do with what might transpire in later seasons. The second season explores more on what happened to the Mergence (takeover by another spacefaring race who become the main antagonists), and galactic politics and "magic" and so on and so forth. [/spoiler]

Does this seem too outlandish, if it's set up this way? I think I can make it work, but the doubt is still there. Some days I think I should just gut the Pilot ep and first season and make it a lot more fantasy-friendly from the get-go.

As for the realistic suggestions, I see what you mean :P. I heard it described that realistically a hypothetical space battle would just be like a submarine battle, fought with only missiles. While that could be interesting in itself, I need my fightercraft! xP And thanks for the tips on writing totalitarian. I'll definitely keep that in mind.

Human-only space opera settings tend to put me off, unless the region of space occupied by humans is a tiny portion of the galaxy. The bigger your territory gets the higher the chance of meeting E.T. head on, so a small territory and no E.T. is more plausible than a large territory and no E.T. That said, I'm also put off by settings where sentient aliens are portrayed as being morally inferior or less competent than mankind. Mass Effect suffers from this, I think, because the Systems Alliance pretty much outcompetes all the other powers on how awesome it is. 

Ironically, I myself am a fan of science-fantasy, where technology and magic are brought together and the results explored. Introducing stereotypical elements of fantasy (although it could be said that space opera is a subgenre of fantasy....) might put off readers who are interested in purely "sciency" setting. It might also attract people who have a particular interest in merging the two fiction groups, like myself. Every change in a story is a "gain some, lose some" trade when it comes to reader approval, so I'd say you better go with what you personally want here.

Most importantly, it seems that you've planned out the plot to include these elements, so you should probably put them in - if it doesn't work you can go down a different path. If it works, then it works. As for making the introduction more "fantasy-friendly", I have to admit that I wasn't imagining anything of what you said you were originally planning when I read "Pilot". But I don't think the whole thing has to be "gutted" to naturalize the intended changes. You could also leave it as a surprising change of direction. To me, as long as it's not contrived it should be alright.

That said, I'm starting to think that Frye and Locke's conspiracy against Arturo is actually a loyalist plot. It seems that Arturo doesn't exactly keep his dislike of AH a tightly-knit secret, so it looks to me that Frye and Locke were put on his crew to monitor him and get rid of his dissenting ass when the opportunity arose. 

That said, I'm also put off by settings where sentient aliens are portrayed as being morally inferior or less competent than mankind. Barbariser

When you say "morally inferior", in the loosest terms, how exactly would that play out? Do you mean like how humans are always/usually portrayed as doing the "right" thing and being the peacekeepers of the universe; and the aliens are usually a little more extreme or rigid in their beliefs? I ask 'cause I intend to have almost like a class-based society loosely based on the Greeks and Romans where all their motivations are either politically or racially driven which I think could be seen as "morally inferior" if we go by my definition.

Regarding Mass Effect, I always thought it was interesting how the humans were treated like newcomers on the political stage and weren't taken seriously, at least in the first game. But I agree it's BS that the council and alien fleets are useless in the battle for the Citadel and pretty much everything else.

As for making the introduction more "fantasy-friendly", I have to admit that I wasn't imagining anything of what you said you were originally planning when I read "Pilot". Barbariser

For sure. I have the outline of episode 2 ready to go (still all humans so far), but I'm just wondering how I'm gonna start introducing the fantasy elements in such a way that doesn't seem like I'm mashing everything together all of a sudden, haha. That's still my main reservation. In something like Halo, at the time of the present story, they'd already been fighting I guess for 25 years. It seems to me that if I were to do first contact, it would be a huge friggin' deal for humanity (or I guess, just the Coalition if I all goes as planned).

I'm starting to think that Frye and Locke's conspiracy against Arturo is actually a loyalist plot. It seems that Arturo doesn't exactly keep his dislike of AH a tightly-knit secret, so it looks to me that Frye and Locke were put on his crew to monitor him and get rid of his dissenting ass when the opportunity arose. Barbariser

Now I'm ashamed, because that sounds ****ing awesome. Your enthusiasm about the totalitarian aspect has really gotten me thinking now about what else could be brought up. You mind if I might end up using that idea about the loyalist plot? I did have something planned, but this sounds way better. I might have to fiddle with it, but I actually really like this.

When you say "morally inferior", in the loosest terms, how exactly would that play out? Do you mean like how humans are always/usually portrayed as doing the "right" thing and being the peacekeepers of the universe; and the aliens are usually a little more extreme or rigid in their beliefs? I ask 'cause I intend to have almost like a class-based society loosely based on the Greeks and Romans where all their motivations are either politically or racially driven which I think could be seen as "morally inferior" if we go by my definition.

Sharpie125

It's okay with me if the culture that happens to be prominent is ethically disagreeable by modern human standards. What I mean is that if you made all of the aliens, say, vicious and violent baby killers and not a single one of them thought this was problematic. I used the wrong phrase - being morally inferior on average is believable (after all, real life had the Romans) but if every single trait of the race appears to be engineered for the sole purpose of making them all look like irredeemable asshats, eyes are going to roll. 

For example, look at the Qunari from Dragon Age. They're a fairly rigid culture with misogynistic, expansionist practices, but the writers made them appear to be at least capable of tolerating opposing viewpoints without slaughtering everything. If a group of aliens turns out to have a universal "MUAAHAHAHA I WILL KILL YOU AND RAPE YOUR WOMEN AND EAT YOUR CHILDREN" mindset it looks like their creator's trying too hard to make them be bad guys. 

Even the most terrible civilizations in history had people that disagreed with their practices. Admittedly, they probably got guillotined or executed some other way, but still, my point is that an alien race which "kicks the dog" a lot seems purposelessly douchebaggy. However, you have already shown that you can make your humans be ethically poor and still have good aspects worth supporting, so I'm not in the least bit worried about how your aliens will turn out with respect to this issue. 

 

Regarding Mass Effect, I always thought it was interesting how the humans were treated like newcomers on the political stage and weren't taken seriously, at least in the first game. But I agree it's BS that the council and alien fleets are useless in the battle for the Citadel and pretty much everything else.

For sure. I have the outline of episode 2 ready to go (still all humans so far), but I'm just wondering how I'm gonna start introducing the fantasy elements in such a way that doesn't seem like I'm mashing everything together all of a sudden, haha. That's still my main reservation. In something like Halo, at the time of the present story, they'd already been fighting I guess for 25 years. It seems to me that if I were to do first contact, it would be a huge friggin' deal for humanity (or I guess, just the Coalition if I all goes as planned).

Sharpie125

Well, I don't know exactly what elements you are going to put in, so I can't suggest what I think would make the introduction more seamless. Maybe some famous and weird "anomalous scientific phenomena" mentioned here and there, only for the causes to be explained with the introduction of this magic. To be honest, you've already spoiled some parts of the series for me and I'd rather not know any more planned parts. Reading'll be more fun that way. I think everyone here agrees that you can figure this out on your own, anyway. 

Now I'm ashamed, because that sounds ****ing awesome. Your enthusiasm about the totalitarian aspect has really gotten me thinking now about what else could be brought up. You mind if I might end up using that idea about the loyalist plot? I did have something planned, but this sounds way better. I might have to fiddle with it, but I actually really like this.

Sharpie125

If it makes the story better in your eyes, I'd be delighted. After all, isn't the point of a critic (and in this case, editor too) to help writers?

To be honest, you've already spoiled some parts of the series for me and I'd rather not know any more planned parts. Reading'll be more fun that way. Barbariser

Crap, I apologize for that :(. But this all has been extremely helpful to me. I've not wanted to work on this series as much as I do now. Even just talking about it and getting it out there, I'm feeling more creative than I have the past few months. I'll shut down the spoiler factory for the time being, but do feel free to comment about more stuff. Always happy to reply.

Glad to have you along for the adventure :D. I really hope I don't disappoint.

It definitely helps to share your story once in a while and hear what other (educated) people have to say about it. I've noticed that teams come up with better stories in less time than a single person can, because there's so many more ideas being tossed around. I always write as if I'm working on a team consisting of me, my audience, and an audience I imagine would never pick up my story. When I post the story and some of the feedback sounds just like what one of my self-team said, I've succeeded. It still doesn't beat the real thing, though.

Anyway, always remember that it's your story, you write the rules, and if Barb doesn't like it he can kiss your sci-fi-fantasy aspect. 

There is no motivator greater than to know there is at least somebody willing to read your work xP.Sharpie125

+1 to that. 

"Her appearance was both awesome and terrifying at the same time"

Doesn't awesome and terrifying mean the same thing - originally at least.

Anyway, I finally finished it, so it is time for my over-all oponion.

First of all: Please, please, please add in more breaks and put numbers on them. Seriously, one of the main reason it took me so long to get through it all was that even though I've had the document open in a tab, I have sometimes accidentally closed the tabs or google docs have asked for my password again, and when that happens I can't get myself to search for where I was until I really feel like reading it. If you for instance had one break every time you change from a scene to another, and you labbeled them Break 1, break 2 etc, it would mean so much for me as a reader.

On the story itself, you have many important things down. I very much enjoy the dialogue and the action is also good. It is appropriately cheesy for a space opera, but somehow it feels like a series that hasn't quite found itself yet, if that makes any sense. I feel like there was way too much introduction at the start, and yet Sin was the only one to leave a solid first impression. I feel like the multiple introductions rather lead to me not getting to know any of them from the start than make me know all of them. It was easier later on with India, because she was not surrounded by other introductions.

Partly because of this and partly because of several breaks in my reading (due to the first problem, and to not having internet during Easter and two weeks before it) I still felt that I hadn't placed them all yet when I neared the end. However, when the end came and drammatic stuff happened, there was a lot of good character development, so I think I have them all placed by now.

Hey, waZ. Thanks for sticking through :)

For the breaks, I definitely hear ya. Sorry to all. For my next bout, I've already started replacing the scene breaks with numbers.

Doesn't awesome and terrifying mean the same thing - originally at least. waZelda

It might've. But if you're "awestruck", is being "terrified" the same? ;)

it feels like a series that hasn't quite found itself yet, if that makes any sense. I feel like there was way too much introduction at the start, and yet Sin was the only one to leave a solid first impression. I feel like the multiple introductions rather lead to me not getting to know any of them from the start than make me know all of them. waZelda

That's fair. I guess that can be a problem with pilot eps, you're trying to kickstart a whole series yet at the same time, tell a cohesive story and introduce the entire universe. But future eps will move much quicker I think, and hopefully with a few more eps in you'll get to know the characters a little better.

I wonder why the cast is arranged from the darkest to the lightest hair colour. 

Looking at it now, I've suddenly realized something that may be perceived as a problem: they all seem to be of the same race. Your society, what with spanning multiple worlds and all, should be shown to be highly multiethnic. Especially when you consider current trends in the distribution of ethnicities across the world population. 

So, if you are planning to expand the cast (this statement was written before reading the second episode) I would recommend trying to get a few of us minority groups in there (actually, in a space society born from Earth, European-descended people will be a minority). Otherwise, eyes are going to roll. 

As for the characters themselves, I'm not sure if this is a limitation of your visual design program, but I can't seem to remember which character is which besides the crazy blonde. If possible, try and make them look more distinct and different in their apperance - increase the variation in height, mass, hair length, colour and texture, facial structure.etc. And design a naval uniform so that you can distinguish the Nostos crew from the rest of the cast. 

Also, that ship has a very bulky shape and a highly complex hull surface with protrusions everywhere. It also has a lot of bright green stripes running over, a huge gun at the bottom of the image and what seems to be a massive sensor array on its front. If that's the Nostos, I'm sorry to say that it's not a good design for stealth; if you take a look at modern stealth vessels like submarines and stealth fighters, you'll notice that they have small guns, they're skinny and they're painted dark all over. They also have as smooth and simple a hull as possible.

If you feel up to the task of redesigning your ship, then I would recommend taking cues from real life designs. Even if you decide to ignore the science, there's still the fact that it doesn't look like something that's graceful, shadow-like and sneaky, so your audience might find it difficult to believe that its a stealth vessel. 

Looking upwards, he noted that the hole was big—a few metres in all directions. He wondered what kind of ordnance the pirates had been packing to have made such a mark without doing serious damage to the rest of the shipSharpie125

The Nostos is probably a helluva lot larger than that thing up there. Perforating it (especially with a hole that only penetrates like one layer) isn't going to cause any serious damage to the OTHER parts of the ship unless the hull is built in such a way that putting a hole in it compromises the whole thing's structural integrity in a really bad way. The damage from an explosion can always be expected to be limited to a small vicinity around the hole, unless the charge penetrates to something important like a reactor, in which case you haven't got a ship left.

____Elderly shopkeeper working the counter of the town tailor's set down his book and stared every time Regina Frye entered his field of vision, his hawkish eyes never letting upSharpie125

Missing a the.

She looked flustered, having to be a clothing storeSharpie125

If I was told to "be a clothing store", I'd be pretty flustered too. 

She knew the Dockmaster'd been crawling in and out of her bird in between patrols, tweaking this and that. What exactly he was touching, Sin had no idea. The man seemed eager to please herSharpie125

"Come with ___," Tyrone said, moving to the cockpit, "there's something we should probably discuss."Sharpie125

Okay, now its time to post my opinions:

• Aden's a dick.

• If West was bleeding in a depressurized environment, what you would have gotten was his bloodstream being violently sucked out through the bullet wound and him dying violently from exsanguination. The only way this would not have happened is if their suits can auto-seal any perforations near instantly (like, in a split second or so), but there is no indication that their technology is that sophisticated and there is no description of this ever happening.

• I get the impression that the League teams attacked the backup control section, in which case they should NOT have been able to disable so many critical systems - because it's the backup, after all. The whole idea behind having a backup is that you have to compromise BOTH systems to critically disable a vessel's operation. I see two possible situations here: the backup system is a backdoor for the primary or the primary system is not guarded. In both cases, it doesn't speak well for Coalition security doctrines. Which may have been the point, but still, it's a little hard to believe.

• It seems very strange that the Monsantii are so eager to kill Coal personnel; for one thing, unless the Coalition is insensitive to the plights of its operatives, it would know about it sooner or later. Also, if a government consciously kills a member of another sovereignty, it's grounds for war. And in a fight between Coals and Monsantii, I'm betting on the dudes with like 1 million times the military strength. 

• Character development is going on nicely. Getting a bit more interested in Locke and Frye, India, West, Sin and Aden, but not feeling anything for Tyrone, Arturo or Naeto. 

• A second detail should have been prepared as soon as Sin was ordered to poke her nose down there, and dispatched when ready. If they had suspected that there were saboteurs lurking down there, sending down one dude to investigate is highly risky - for one thing, if Sin had been killed before shortwaving her situation, then there would have been a dangerously long response delay to the situation. A military commander would have known about this possibility.

• Very morally ambiguous, I like how the majority of the antagonists have sympathetic reasons for what they are doing.

• The subplot with the mercenaries was handled well. It was quite tense and suspense-heavy up until the bit with the dude introducing himself and telling them what it was all about, which basically means that you put the big reveal where it needed to be. Unfortunately for the suspense, I knew straightaway that West was going to pull through; he's an important protagonist and main character, after all, and it is very rare for writers to permanently cripple/kill these types of characters so early in the story. In the end, what I have to note is that the Nostos half of this episode feels a lot like filler while most of the important plot movement occurs in the Nova half.

Thanks for the quick reply :D. And you read the whole thing too. Awesome.

As for the cover art, it was something I threw together using Sims and Sins of a Solar Empire when I was feeling bored one night xP. I combed modthesims for some military-looking uniforms and tried to find a ship in SSE that looked detailed enough in game haha. There are some blocky-ass boats in that game, this capital cruiser was probably the nicest one. And I managed to capture that nice sun and lens flare so I just went with it. ONE DAY I'll sit down and drum up something hand drawn.

For races, I think somebody else pointed that out to me, and now I've got egg on my face. I intended--and have done a poor job-- in making Haley, Naeto, and Sledge of Asian descent (Naeto, being based on my half-Japanese friend whose last name is "Naito")-- I realise I have not provided any physical description of any of them. Also doesn't help the fact they aren't the featured characters. I am planning to head back into the first episode and do an overhaul of some details in the universe, mainly geography and stuff about the characters. Thanks for the reaffirmation, that is now added to my top priorities lol.

Aden's a dick.

:lol: We'll see where I go with him. Earlier draft of the story, West didn't even exist and Aden was supposed to be the main character. Sin was supposed to be his faithful friend. But if I carried through with that, then Sin wouldn't have anything fun to do in the meantime.

If West was bleeding in a depressurized environment, what you would have gotten was his bloodstream being violently sucked out through the bullet wound and him dying violently from exsanguination. The only way this would not have happened is if their suits can auto-seal any perforations near instantly

I was wondering about that. Thanks for bringing it up. Do you know how it would "autoseal" exactly? I definitely thought about having something about that, but realised I have no idea how that is supposed to function.

I get the impression that the League teams attacked the backup control section, in which case they should NOT have been able to disable so many critical systems - because it's the backup, after all.

You're probably right. I kind of wanted to highlight that they were doing some real damage with a torch in maintenance, cutting into the walls and getting at the wiring and all that stuff where many of the vital systems feed through, not just hitting a few buttons in the control room, I might have skimmed over that. Regarding security, you're right. Would it be more believable to explain that due to the mess the ship was in after the last battle, and Naeto still being new had a lapse in judgment and marine assignments slipped his mind? Might be a stretch...

It seems very strange that the Monsantii are so eager to kill Coal personnel; for one thing, unless the Coalition is insensitive to the plights of its operatives, it would know about it sooner or later. Also, if a government consciously kills a member of another sovereignty, it's grounds for war. And in a fight between Coals and Monsantii, I'm betting on the dudes with like 1 million times the military strength.

I might have to retcon some stuff, especially with geography for sure. So, the colony worlds Sin grew up are still considered Coalition territory, and that's about the extent the government looks after (but doesn't really care about). Further on is considered "the rim" where it's pretty brutal and lawless (Monsantos is lucky to have an establishment at all) and Coalition government in general isn't welcome. Coalition doesn't specifically refer to The Fleet (military) but civilians from the major inner (capital) colonies, so while people *may* go missing from time to time, The Fleet can't be arsed to do anything about it. (Side note, working on drawing kind of a rivalry between private corporations and government military for later on, we'll see where that goes.) They definitely don't want to venture into the Deep, either due to not wanting to overextend or risking a war with the Mergence. And the "Boundary" is a loose term to describe the Coalition's sphere of influence ("this side or the other", meaning "are you inside or out", pretty much). It is *not* the dividing line of Mergence territory, which I might have made a mistake in hinting at. There is *a lot* of open, untamed space between the two bodies.

Character development is going on nicely. Getting a bit more interested in Locke and Frye, India, West, Sin and Aden, but not feeling anything for Tyrone, Arturo or Naeto.

Okay. Keep holding on for at least Arturo. I think his immediate "moment" will come towards the end of the season, if I've planned correctly. Otherwise, him and a lot of other characters will be slow-burns throughout the run that I've planned. I may surprise myself too, as Locke wasn't even in my outline of this episode. It was supposed to be India who got captured, and Tyrone who murders Valden straight up :P.

A second detail should have been prepared as soon as Sin was ordered to poke her nose down there, and dispatched when ready. If they had suspected that there were saboteurs lurking down there, sending down one dude to investigate is highly risky - for one thing, if Sin had been killed before shortwaving her situation, then there would have been a dangerously long response delay to the situation. A military commander would have known about this possibility.

That sounds about right. I'll change it so backup team is on standby, but they'll probably just serve the story to get taken by surprise and killed.

Very morally ambiguous, I like how the majority of the antagonists have sympathetic reasons for what they are doing.

I totally burned out after writing that huge thing with Valden's story, let me tell you. I think you can see an apparent drop in enthusiasm after that point, when I was just hammering out lines of dialogue and skimping on description until the zero-g fight. We'll see if I can continue that on, though.

Unfortunately for the suspense, I knew straightaway that West was going to pull through; he's an important protagonist and main character, after all, and it is very rare for writers to permanently cripple/kill these types of characters so early in the story.

Well. Let me kind of just leave a hint that West's injury will play a part in the episodes to come, at least for the first season. But yes, I am intending it to be a permanent limp for the lieutenant. Not wheel-chair-inducing-take-the-leg, but enough to hamper him from time to time.

In the end, what I have to note is that the Nostos half of this episode feels a lot like filler while most of the important plot movement occurs in the Nova half.

That's fair. When I was writing, I even swayed back and forth (was really interested in writing Sin's monologue, hated the stuff going on in Monstantos; then hated West's stuff, loved Valden/Locke/India; then hated writing the resolution of the Nova storyline, loved the Flight Deck zero-g fight). The absolute main point I wanted to stress in the Nostos storyline is what friendships are being built, and how that might factor in later.

Well thank you for really going in depth with this one. Was looking forward to it. I hope I don't spoil anything by replying to your comments, and I'm looking forward for you to pick holes in my logic (or lack of) :P. Will get going on ep 3, and maybe you can see what direction I'm intending.

(And good lord, Gamespot text editor hates Opera. Italics button doesn't even work >_>)

As for the cover art, it was something I threw together using Sims and Sins of a Solar Empire when I was feeling bored one night xP. I combed modthesims for some military-looking uniforms and tried to find a ship in SSE that looked detailed enough in game haha. There are some blocky-ass boats in that game, this capital cruiser was probably the nicest one. And I managed to capture that nice sun and lens flare so I just went with it. ONE DAY I'll sit down and drum up something hand drawn.Sharpie125

I thought it looked familiar. But my memory pointed me the wrong way - I was thinking that it was inspired by this thing from Homeworld:

For races, I think somebody else pointed that out to me, and now I've got egg on my face. I intended--and have done a poor job-- in making Haley, Naeto, and Sledge of Asian descent (Naeto, being based on my half-Japanese friend whose last name is "Naito")-- I realise I have not provided any physical description of any of them. Also doesn't help the fact they aren't the featured characters. I am planning to head back into the first episode and do an overhaul of some details in the universe, mainly geography and stuff about the characters. Thanks for the reaffirmation, that is now added to my top priorities lol.

Sharpie125

Well, adding ethnic variety was definitely of interest to me, seeing as I myself am Chinese. However, I would recommend not falling into the same trap that other authors have - it's quite common for us Asians to be portrayed as traditionalist misogynists who can't speak English properly and have the sense of humour of a rock. So far, each of your characters have managed to avoid expressing 2 or 3 of these traits. 

:lol: We'll see where I go with him. Earlier draft of the story, West didn't even exist and Aden was supposed to be the main character. Sin was supposed to be his faithful friend. But if I carried through with that, then Sin wouldn't have anything fun to do in the meantime.Sharpie125

I personally think it's more interesting this way, and in my opinion it was a wise choice. Also, it makes more sense: Aden can't serve the role of marine AND pilot in one go, so I think it makes more sense for the two occupations to be divided. 

  I was wondering about that. Thanks for bringing it up. Do you know how it would "autoseal" exactly? I definitely thought about having something about that, but realised I have no idea how that is supposed to function.Sharpie125

Well, the closest thing that I know of that is actually conceivable today is the first item on this list (yes, I know it's a comedy site, but the idea is still there). Another method is to make the whole suit out of a bunch of nanomachines which reassemble whenever they detect a hole in their composition, but I think that that kind of technology is a bit beyond the Coals. So I'd recommend the vastly simpler "self-repairing material" option. 

  You're probably right. I kind of wanted to highlight that they were doing some real damage with a torch in maintenance, cutting into the walls and getting at the wiring and all that stuff where many of the vital systems feed through, not just hitting a few buttons in the control room, I might have skimmed over that. Regarding security, you're right. Would it be more believable to explain that due to the mess the ship was in after the last battle, and Naeto still being new had a lapse in judgment and marine assignments slipped his mind? Might be a stretch...Sharpie125

That's a slightly implausible solution to the issue, but it's workable. You could go with "the Mercs shot all the guards and got to work" but that leads to something that is known as "alerting everybody else around".

Also, I forgot to bring this up: how did the Mercs know where to find the Maintenance room? They must have clearly had prior knowledge, because they managed to get there without bumping into too many people - a.k.a. they weren't exploring the whole ship in desperation. So they either have schematics and someone who can read them or they've done this before. Both of these are doubtful, since the Omega ships seem to be a fairly new and secret project. I'm guessing that the best answer is that they must have found a techie and gotten the info out of him.

I might have to retcon some stuff, especially with geography for sure. So, the colony worlds Sin grew up are still considered Coalition territory, and that's about the extent the government looks after (but doesn't really care about). Further on is considered "the rim" where it's pretty brutal and lawless (Monsantos is lucky to have an establishment at all) and Coalition government in general isn't welcome. Coalition doesn't specifically refer to The Fleet (military) but civilians from the major inner (capital) colonies, so while people *may* go missing from time to time, The Fleet can't be arsed to do anything about it. (Side note, working on drawing kind of a rivalry between private corporations and government military for later on, we'll see where that goes.) They definitely don't want to venture into the Deep, either due to not wanting to overextend or risking a war with the Mergence. And the "Boundary" is a loose term to describe the Coalition's sphere of influence ("this side or the other", meaning "are you inside or out", pretty much). It is *not* the dividing line of Mergence territory, which I might have made a mistake in hinting at. There is *a lot* of open, untamed space between the two bodies.Sharpie125

Well, that makes sense - after all, I should have remembered that that's how modern governments behave. 

Also, the corporation idea sounds interesting. If you ever visit a rim world again in this series, you could show the corps bullying and harassing locals or something, provoking Tyrone and Arturo to remember Valden's story and do something about it.

Okay. Keep holding on for at least Arturo. I think his immediate "moment" will come towards the end of the season, if I've planned correctly. Otherwise, him and a lot of other characters will be slow-burns throughout the run that I've planned. I may surprise myself too, as Locke wasn't even in my outline of this episode. It was supposed to be India who got captured, and Tyrone who murders Valden straight up :P.Sharpie125

Well, that direction has less potential in my opinion. Good that you went with this one instead. 

That sounds about right. I'll change it so backup team is on standby, but they'll probably just serve the story to get taken by surprise and killed.Sharpie125

That's something alright. You could even write it so that Sin shortwaves her distress, then gets told by Naeto that the original backup team isn't responding anymore so that she goes and **** herself even more.

I totally burned out after writing that huge thing with Valden's story, let me tell you. I think you can see an apparent drop in enthusiasm after that point, when I was just hammering out lines of dialogue and skimping on description until the zero-g fight. We'll see if I can continue that on, though.Sharpie125

Well, I think one way to expand is to show how the loss of the mines affected people negatively back in the Caps. After all, there must have been some hefty demand for this stuff, otherwise they wouldn't have come out all the way here to go and get it. 

Well. Let me kind of just leave a hint that West's injury will play a part in the episodes to come, at least for the first season. But yes, I am intending it to be a permanent limp for the lieutenant. Not wheel-chair-inducing-take-the-leg, but enough to hamper him from time to time.Sharpie125

No complaints with that. I'm suddenly reminded of Eddard Stark from Game of Thrones after he took a spear through the thigh.

That's fair. When I was writing, I even swayed back and forth (was really interested in writing Sin's monologue, hated the stuff going on in Monstantos; then hated West's stuff, loved Valden/Locke/India; then hated writing the resolution of the Nova storyline, loved the Flight Deck zero-g fight). The absolute main point I wanted to stress in the Nostos storyline is what friendships are being built, and how that might factor in later.Sharpie125

Ahh, I see. Well, I was mainly puzzled because it didn't seem to actually progress the main plot, but now I see its purpose. 

Well thank you for really going in depth with this one. Was looking forward to it. I hope I don't spoil anything by replying to your comments, and I'm looking forward for you to pick holes in my logic (or lack of) :P. Will get going on ep 3, and maybe you can see what direction I'm intending.Sharpie125

It hasn't really gone into much detail about what's coming up, so I can't consider it a spoiler. It's like if you were to tell me "the good guys win" - yeah, it answers an uncertainty about the future, but I wouldn't really fault you for telling me that....

Holy crap. I think the SSE guys stole a ship design from Homeworld, because that ship you posted eerily reminds me of the ship I was going to use first (still have the screenshot), when I didn't have access to the capital ship units and I was getting impatient. But the model looked really low poly'd and awful so I pushed through and found the current ship. My current idea I've doodled in 2D is that it's *like* the capital ship I chose, but without the guns sticking out of it and the odd geometry--just the tubular shape. When I think of the ship, I probably first think a design similar to the Normandy, but she flies like Galactica...

I may be incorrect in calling her "stealth" as well, when I think about some stuff I haven't written about yet. She's not necessarily like the Normandy in that she's fast and zippy, but one of those ideas I thought of kind of goes that the Darkstars have modified jump-cores (or whatever the hell terminology) allowing them to make more precise exits and have extremely short spinup cycles, so the wolf pack can enter a system, engage a target quickly, and "crash jump" away again. Hypothetically.

Well, adding ethnic variety was definitely of interest to me, seeing as I myself am Chinese. However, I would recommend not falling into the same trap that other authors have - it's quite common for us Asians to be portrayed as traditionalist misogynists who can't speak English properly and have the sense of humour of a rock. So far, each of your characters have managed to avoid expressing 2 or 3 of these traits.

I'm Chinese as well, haha, so I hope I don't go crazy with that kind of thing. But yeah, one of the main reasons I chose to have Chinese space gangsters as one of the main antagonists was hugely due to Firefly. Chopsticks and tin cups, is what they say about that 'verse.

I personally think it's more interesting this way, and in my opinion it was a wise choice. Also, it makes more sense: Aden can't serve the role of marine AND pilot in one go, so I think it makes more sense for the two occupations to be divided.

Heh, well, I mentioned a little before, this is the lovechild of two stories I daydreamed up that are being mashed together here. I think it'll become really apparent after this season (if I can get to the end of this, everything will fall into place). Aden/Sin represent the sci-fi portion, West kind of represents the unseen-as-of-yet fantasy side.

Well, the closest thing that I know of that is actually conceivable today is the first item on this list (yes, I know it's a comedy site, but the idea is still there). Another method is to make the whole suit out of a bunch of nanomachines which reassemble whenever they detect a hole in their composition, but I think that that kind of technology is a bit beyond the Coals. So I'd recommend the vastly simpler "self-repairing material" option.

Ahh. Okay. I *think* I remember in one of the Halo novels, one Spartan's MJOLNIR suit gets holed, and it does something (probably wrong on this) like adjusts internal pressure to stop/slow bleeding, but I don't think they were in a zero-g environment. I'll look into it.

That's a slightly implausible solution to the issue, but it's workable. You could go with "the Mercs shot all the guards and got to work" but that leads to something that is known as "alerting everybody else around".

:P Yeah. Timing screwed me (there are a ton of inconsistencies between ep 1 and 2), and the fact that I don't have a real layout for the ship in mind. I think I inferred (again, poorly) that a couple of the mercs killed and stole identification/authorization keys from Sullivan/Morales and whoever to get into the control suite when Acri mentions how it's locked, maybe I can work with that.

Also, I forgot to bring this up: how did the Mercs know where to find the Maintenance room? They must have clearly had prior knowledge, because they managed to get there without bumping into too many people - a.k.a. they weren't exploring the whole ship in desperation. So they either have schematics and someone who can read them or they've done this before. Both of these are doubtful, since the Omega ships seem to be a fairly new and secret project. I'm guessing that the best answer is that they must have found a techie and gotten the info out of him.

Dun-dun. I screwed up. It's back to the think-tank for me. I'll think on that, but I like your idea at the end there.

Well, that makes sense - after all, I should have remembered that that's how modern governments behave.

Yeah. We make a big deal on the news when tourists go missing on the other side of the world, but nothing really happens. I need to stress more I think that the rim worlds literally have no semblance of government that can be held accountable, and the Fleet just start going in and ****ing **** up to make them pay, it will just result in a massacre, and that's just bad for PR.

Also, the corporation idea sounds interesting. If you ever visit a rim world again in this series, you could show the corps bullying and harassing locals or something, provoking Tyrone and Arturo to remember Valden's story and do something about it.

I tend to (unintentionally, I'm sure) hint at what the next episode(s) involve when random facets of the universe come up. I say, this sounds really space-y and cool, then I latch onto the idea subconsciously and it gives me fuel for the next ep over xP. That said, I planned a skeleton for ep 3 yesterday, so I'm excited to see how it turns up when I get to it, and how it really changes the universe. I guarantee, the stuff happening on the Nostos will kind of be important to the overall story :P

Well, I think one way to expand is to show how the loss of the mines affected people negatively back in the Caps. After all, there must have been some hefty demand for this stuff, otherwise they wouldn't have come out all the way here to go and get it.

That sounds interesting. I think in the grand scheme of things, 'Santos is just another rim world that won't have too much pull either way. Just my window into the way of rim-life.

No complaints with that. I'm suddenly reminded of Eddard Stark from Game of Thrones after he took a spear through the thigh.

Lemme just quash any misconceptions right off the bat there and say West probably won't die in the next ep :P. OR WILL HE.

Ahh, I see. Well, I was mainly puzzled because it didn't seem to actually progress the main plot, but now I see its purpose.

I literally thought the same thing when I put the idea to paper, but I just chalked it up to the "something else has gone wrong this week" mentality of Stargate. But yeah, kind of like BSG, even though there are definitely some filler eps, I'll try to devote more time to developing character relationships/backstory.

Read about half of part 1 (to the second break):

Um, what was he is before he woke up, if he had to get readjusted to oxygen when he took the helmet on?

I can't stop picturing Chloe from Smallville whenever someone says Sullivan, even though I know he is supposed to be a dude.

"Their previous owners don't really need them anymore." Simple as that. Tyrone looked around the bar.

Is "simple as that" pat of the narrative? Or is it a mistake and supposed to be part of the dialogue?

Anyways, lot of good dialogue so far. Even so, the trying clothes scene kinda bored me.

Thanks for making it more accessible with numbered breaks and such.

Um, what was he is before he woke up, if he had to get readjusted to oxygen when he took the helmet on?

waZelda

Well, not readjusted to oxygen per se, but the sensation of flowing sterile oxygen from a tank since the helmet seals. Does that make sense? I have not worn or seen one of these things in real life, so this is just how I imagine it to be :P.

I can't stop picturing Chloe from Smallville whenever someone says Sullivan, even though I know he is supposed to be a dude.waZelda

I had an infatuation with Season 5 Chloe (and season 5 Lois Lane) once upon a time haha.

"Their previous owners don't really need them anymore." Simple as that. Tyrone looked around the bar.

Is "simple as that" pat of the narrative? Or is it a mistake and supposed to be part of the dialogue?waZelda

I mentioned I was trying to add in more character voice for this episode/upcoming episodes, so some comments are just reaction lines from certain "POV" characters (the one in question in the scene would be Arturo). Stuff like that will come up a fair bit this episode, especially.

Anyways, lot of good dialogue so far. Even so, the trying clothes scene kinda bored me.

waZelda

Haha, fair enough. As a warning, there are a few scenes/strings of dialogue that may not have to do with this episode in particular that may leave your head scratching, but they will definitely have some importance in the following episodes.

Thanks for your input.

From the rest of part 1:

"in addressing an officer proper"

Properly?

Not much more specific to mention. I quite enjoyed Sin's disobedience and I'm looking forwards to reading more.

Part 2:

"He had made both her and Tyrone, she was sure of it."

No clue what this sentence means.

Anyway, good action scenes here.

By the Way, can you tell me who is who in the season 1 poster in the original post? It would make it easier to distinguish the characers from each other if I had a face to remember them by.

"That you're here, I'd better just show you, sir."Sharpie

Since.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but the technology here is incredibly antiquated. Given the degree to which the human race has expanded throughout the galaxy and the industry they've successfully developed on their space diaspora, this setting should be hundreds of years in the future. Modern forces don't use weapons from the 18th century, so there is no reason why the people in this setting should be even producing, let alone using, .50 cal Brownings or revolvers.

Even today, criminals and gangsters who can't get their hands on military grade hardware don't use muskets. They'll have cheap semi-automatic pistols, and the earliest they'll go is maybe guns from the beginning of the 20th century. When the cartel people from this story are using clearly futuristic vehicles to move around, it is extremely anachrostic to assume that they'll be using an ammunition type that was introduced 90 years ago.

Although I do suppose that McAvon's clearly identifiable Scottish accent is similarly anachrostic, it can be kept plausible as long as Scotland still exists on Earth, has a unique culture and more importantly is well-known throughout the Coalition. Being able to identify unique accents from each planet is not unbelievable (after all, we can identify accents from specific countries if they're prominent enough), but being able to identify an accent from a very small portion of an entire planet is stretching it.

Also, there are several things I'm getting about the aliens here. First is that they're not very practical about their plans; there isn't any reason for the things to glow. Modern communications devices transmit signals without emitting any noticeable amount of light, after all. Phones light up so that their user can press the right button, but this thing is implanted in a dead person's spine and you can't exactly stick your head there when someone calls it. 

Secondly, the aliens are probably outside our galaxy, given that this thing is broadcasting "trans universum". The distance across a galaxy is unimaginably large, and the distance between two major galaxies (e.g. Milky Way and Andromeda) is about twenty five times bigger than that. I guess I know why the Coalition hasn't detected their presence yet, then - they're so far away that all of their E.M. emissions don't even show up on the sensors.

Thirdly, this implies that they are a very powerful civilization with technology far in excess of the Coals. While their ability to beam-blast Coal ships Collector-style already implies this, it does create an issue with how you are going to make the Coals win in a war, assuming of course that this is actually your intended plot conclusion.

If I'm thinking right, this story is a script for a TV series. How, then, do you intend to get all of the background information through to the audience? A narrator telling exposition + flashbacks is I think the typical way to do it, but if you don't want to use that then you'll have to write scenes where the characters discuss politics, culture, and stuff like that.

That kind of dialogue is also going to be very tricky since in real life, the only time when people are explaining things to each other in excruciating detail and perfect grammar is when they're reading a book out loud to another person. 

That's about all the issues I can get off the top of my head now. Whew, my head's aching bad. Waiting eagerly for your next episode, although I should first ask: do Canadian TV shows closer in length to British or American ones? 

Hey Barb, thanks for the quick readthrough. I'm currently in Las Vegas (using wifi in Caesar's Palace) so if I suddenly cut out, I'll try to get a reply to you from my own hotel. Hopefully I have enough time now.

Regarding technology, I will admit, a lot of my choices were 95% aethestically based. It's just very similar to the idea in Firefly, where the Alliance has all the futuristic sci-fi tech, and the further you get, the more primitive it gets. The show has the benefit of not having to explain its science (or lack thereof) since technology is a minor part of the show. But I just think bullets are like 10x cooler than lasers, simple explanation :P. Where 500 years into the future, Halo's UNSC are still using bullets and gasoline to fuel their warthogs. I may attempt to form an explanation of why this is in my "Pilot" revision that is coming, but that'll need some thinking.

Regarding McAvon, I will *most likely* come up with an explanation for this in my revision. I will just hint that I'm planning for this story to take place in 3rd Century AE (after Earth).

I will get back to you with a reply about the "aliens" later. Some things to go over quickly, I might need your help to make sense of, if that's okay.

Can I ask, quickly, what you think of the plot progression thus far? I was wondering how I should pace things out, and I ended up just winging it. Any thoughts towards that?

More to come later, when I get back to my hotel. Thanks.

Although I do suppose that McAvon's clearly identifiable Scottish accent is similarly anachrostic, it can be kept plausible as long as Scotland still exists on Earth, has a unique culture and more importantly is well-known throughout the Coalition. Being able to identify unique accents from each planet is not unbelievable (after all, we can identify accents from specific countries if they're prominent enough), but being able to identify an accent from a very small portion of an entire planet is stretching it. Barbariser

I stated up there this will take place around 300 years after the (not so much *destruction* but sort of rebellion against the governments of old Earth [at an unspecified time]). But enough time has passed that the spacefaring "free powers" could roam the stars, start the Coalition, break off into the Mergence, and so on etc. While life in the capital colonies may *resemble* old Earth, I was toying with the idea (don't know if concrete) that a lot of the old "teachings" were given up/looked down upon (the Earth colonization point, with the conversation between Frye/India); save for some cultural identifiers and a spin on a few of the religions.

There are upsides and downsides to doing this. The upside, I believe this historical rebellion could account for the general lack of *totally* advanced tech that the now-Coalition formed rabble possess (if I can think of a really good way to explain it... we'll see), the downside is, what I've established so far resembles present-Earth more often than not. It'll require a lot of retconning, but yeah, at the end of the day, I think I choose aesthetic over practicality (but if there's a more viable option that I can fall in love with, I'll take it).

Also, there are several things I'm getting about the aliens here. First is that they're not very practical about their plans; there isn't any reason for the things to glow. Modern communications devices transmit signals without emitting any noticeable amount of light, after all. Phones light up so that their user can press the right button, but this thing is implanted in a dead person's spine and you can't exactly stick your head there when someone calls it. Barbariser

Haha, yes. Again, I have to shamefacedly admit this was a visual/aesthetic cue, more than anything. Not unlike BSG, where in the miniseries and first season, the Cylons' spines light up whenever they are sexing it up. If I remember correctly, it's what first reveals a certain character is a Cylon in the beginning.

For a ****-eating explanation I had come up with when I wrote this, it's not really so much a spoiler, because I doubt it'll come back up in conversation (though we'll see) but the reveal of Bardem being a harbinger I wanted to infer that *his* role was to "deliver" the other harbingers into Coalition territory and kill/sacrifice them, but he did this subconciously/under the guise of doing "God's work". He could only know the signal was transmitting by way of visual indicator.

Secondly, the aliens are probably outside our galaxy, given that this thing is broadcasting "trans universum". The distance across a galaxy is unimaginably large, and the distance between two major galaxies (e.g. Milky Way and Andromeda) is about twenty five times bigger than that. I guess I know why the Coalition hasn't detected their presence yet, then - they're so far away that all of their E.M. emissions don't even show up on the sensors. Barbariser

Forgive me, I was listening to the Beetles when I was writing; thought it would be a clever pun on the Nova and the Nostos being so far apart (literally on two different ends in my story universe); and the plot-driven defintion. But I do want to have a lot of distance for what I have in store [not necessarily aliens!], probably not quite the *entire* universe (could be McAvon's idea of a hyperbolic joke :P) but yes, I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Far away from home.

Thirdly, this implies that they are a very powerful civilization with technology far in excess of the Coals. While their ability to beam-blast Coal ships Collector-****already implies this, it does create an issue with how you are going to make the Coals win in a war, assuming of course that this is actually your intended plot conclusion.Barbariser

I guess we're screwed xP.

If I'm thinking right, this story is a script for a TV series. How, then, do you intend to get all of the background information through to the audience? A narrator telling exposition + flashbacks is I think the typical way to do it, but if you don't want to use that then you'll have to write scenes where the characters discuss politics, culture, and stuff like that.

That kind of dialogue is also going to be very tricky since in real life, the only time when people are explaining things to each other in excruciating detail and perfect grammar is when they're reading a book out loud to another person. Barbariser

I'm running into an issue now where the "Pilot" episode was very TV-like, I'd intended for a lot of the writing to be placeholdery, where a lot of the story was in the dialogue. The second episode changed somewhat with a lot more internal monologue and character voice, and I was struggling with the third episode, flip-flopping the whole way. There are a lot of visual cues and I'm still working on my writing, but I *think* I'm leaning more towards novel-like writing, but format is still like TV. Novels give me the benefit of allowing me to go right into detail, and I've been taking advantage of that these past two episodes. If all goes to plan, the revised pilot ep will have a lot more details to introduce the world. Geography, political situation, a little more character background, so on.

That's about all the issues I can get off the top of my head now. Whew, my head's aching bad. Barbariser

Waiting eagerly for your next episode, although I should first ask: do Canadian TV shows closer in length to British or American ones? Barbariser

I stated up there this will take place around 300 years after the (not so much *destruction* but sort of rebellion against the governments of old Earth [at an unspecified time]). But enough time has passed that the spacefaring "free powers" could roam the stars, start the Coalition, break off into the Mergence, and so on etc. While life in the capital colonies may *resemble* old Earth, I was toying with the idea (don't know if concrete) that a lot of the old "teachings" were given up/looked down upon (the Earth colonization point, with the conversation between Frye/India); save for some cultural identifiers and a spin on a few of the religions.

There are upsides and downsides to doing this. The upside, I believe this historical rebellion could account for the general lack of *totally* advanced tech that the now-Coalition formed rabble possess (if I can think of a really good way to explain it... we'll see), the downside is, what I've established so far resembles present-Earth more often than not. It'll require a lot of retconning, but yeah, at the end of the day, I think I choose aesthetic over practicality (but if there's a more viable option that I can fall in love with, I'll take it).Sharpie125

It's not a necessity that the Coalition will be using glowy energy weapons or railguns. Those weapons will only be used if we can developed cooling and powering technologies that make them practical. At present, we can't make good enough batteries for the things to last long, and they also overheat like mad, so they're not a good choice of weapons for infantrymen. The way our militaries are going nowadays, bullets are faster and smaller than they used to be.

We're also putting scopes, grenade launchers, flashlights and even more attachments onto our guns. The way your Corporate mercenaries fight resembles World War 2 with body armor. A modern military force would have heard the speedsters coming from miles off, alerted everyone and then blown the assault to pieces with missile artillery. However, the mercenaries are explicitly second-hand soldiers, so their "primitive" defence method can be justified.

Still, one problem is that military technological advancement accelerates during times of conflict, for obvious reasons. Coalition military units should definitely have weapons that are more advanced than ours, so their guns should have attachments all over them (when they're actually prepared for a fight. So far, most of the situations have involved security policing actions and surprise-attacks on the protagonists, so they have an excuse for keeping their guns unmodified).

If you were to ask me how I would explain the poor martial technology of outer colonies, I would say that they're the "first wave" of colonists, who left Earth to escape the civil conflicts in primitive starfaring vessels. They would set up societies on any habitable planets they reached. However, the people of Earth, now unified and expansionist, would end up finding these struggling settlers and attempt to absorb them into the newly formed Coalition.

Naturally the much stronger industry and superior technology of the Coalition would allow them to overwhelm the locals. Faced with a dilemma between being annexed and being exterminated, some of the settlers would decide to leave their newfound colonies and go on to found more ones in the hopes that their old Earth friends would get bogged down somewhere and slow down their expansion.

The process would continue to repeat with the growing Coalition finding colonies and then conquering them effortlessly, in the process ejecting some of the residents and forcing them to settle new worlds. Because of their forced nomadic-esque life**** the settlers would be unable to develop their technology and would basically be using any scraps of Coalie tech they can get their hands on and inheriting the guns and equipment that their ancestors brought when they left Earth.

Problem is that I think this is a radically different background from the one you originally had planned. Also, the Coalition does not seem to be expanding beyond the Boundary. You could say that the Coalition ceased its expansion when the Hitler archetype assumed power and the Mergence split from them. This would cause their progress to halt as their military would be busy trying to quash any internal conflict. Also, there could be internal political pressures against further conquest.

Still, it's your story and it's up to you to work out the kinks. Another choice is to ignore them and hope that the readers don't notice/care, as I've been saying for awhile now.

Haha, yes. Again, I have to shamefacedly admit this was a visual/aesthetic cue, more than anything. Not unlike BSG, where in the miniseries and first season, the Cylons' spines light up whenever they are sexing it up. If I remember correctly, it's what first reveals a certain character is a Cylon in the beginning.

For a ****-eating explanation I had come up with when I wrote this, it's not really so much a spoiler, because I doubt it'll come back up in conversation (though we'll see) but the reveal of Bardem being a harbinger I wanted to infer that *his* role was to "deliver" the other harbingers into Coalition territory and kill/sacrifice them, but he did this subconciously/under the guise of doing "God's work". He could only know the signal was transmitting by way of visual indicator.Sharpie125

Then why he didn't perform a surgery on the dead throat-slit guy's spine to see if it was giving out the crucial light? Also, I don't think he could have predicted the current course of events, and he must have been on the Oasis before the Nostos came and rescued him. So there has to be a reason why the Big Bad wanted to blow the station up with the Harbingers inside it. And the fact that he ran to the Nostos to get rescued indicates that he wasn't aware of the attack.

Forgive me, I was listening to the Beetles when I was writing; thought it would be a clever pun on the Nova and the Nostos being so far apart (literally on two different ends in my story universe); and the plot-driven defintion. But I do want to have a lot of distance for what I have in store [not necessarily aliens!], probably not quite the *entire* universe (could be McAvon's idea of a hyperbolic joke :P) but yes, I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Far away from home.Sharpie125

I don't understand the reference, sorry; not my type of music. Well, they definitely cannot be close to human borders, because that would mean that they'd be close enough for the Coalition to detect their civilization.

I'm running into an issue now where the "Pilot" episode was very TV-like, I'd intended for a lot of the writing to be placeholdery, where a lot of the story was in the dialogue. The second episode changed somewhat with a lot more internal monologue and character voice, and I was struggling with the third episode, flip-flopping the whole way. There are a lot of visual cues and I'm still working on my writing, but I *think* I'm leaning more towards novel-like writing, but format is still like TV. Novels give me the benefit of allowing me to go right into detail, and I've been taking advantage of that these past two episodes. If all goes to plan, the revised pilot ep will have a lot more details to introduce the world. Geography, political situation, a little more character background, so on.Sharpie125

Well, I've been a playwright for a school project before and the one thing that frustrated me was how to explain the story without boring the audience with an overly-long narration. But I don't know how it's like writing a whole universe for a big screen presentation. A lot of the details will have to be be found in the visuals.

Hope that's not due to my story :P.Sharpie125

I'm sick and I typed a giant post. Definitely not easy on the mind.

To be honest, the Canadian film/television industry is pretty crappy. If I want to break into that field, I'll dip my toe in the water, but I'm taking my work away from this country. But to answer your question, it's hard to tell. We have a lot of smaller low-budget programming/sitcoms that are really only on CBC/CTV, akin to lesser known BBC programming. I identify more with American television, personally.

If you're wondering about the length of my first "season", I'm going to be doing it like a British series. I have seven episodes outlined/planned with the backbone of an arc. It won't wrap up nicely at the end of the seventh, but it'll signal a *change*. Hopefully I'll have your attention long enough to see it through to that point. Afterwards, I don't know if I'll keep it at seven, or shorten it even more. I'm at around 150+k currently (70k is a 200 page novel already) and it's kind of a struggle to fill up each episode. Maybe shorter episodes are in order. Are you cool with the current length, or do you like shorter? I did want to do 20k for each, but with both storylines going on at the same time, it just naturally goes to 40 >_>.Sharpie125

I would indeed prefer longer episodes, as the plot can be made deeper that way. Right now I've got plenty of time for reading them, so it doesn't bother me that it takes an hour to finish one.

Sorry for the long-ass response time. Made it back home at 3 AM last night and didn't have a chance to use the hotel's wi-fi (had to go to the casino floor just to access it >_>) on Thursday or Friday.

It's not a necessity that the Coalition will be using glowy energy weapons or railguns. Those weapons will only be used if we can developed cooling and powering technologies that make them practical. At present, we can't make good enough batteries for the things to last long, and they also overheat like mad, so they're not a good choice of weapons for infantrymen. The way our militaries are going nowadays, bullets are faster and smaller than they used to be.

We're also putting scopes, grenade launchers, flashlights and even more attachments onto our guns. The way your Corporate mercenaries fight resembles World War 2 with body armor. A modern military force would have heard the speedsters coming from miles off, alerted everyone and then blown the assault to pieces with missile artillery. However, the mercenaries are explicitly second-hand soldiers, so their "primitive" defence method can be justified. Barbariser

You're pretty much correct. I'll probably go back and add a little more futurism to the initial assault (sensors going down, air support blown out of the sky), but my *main* inspiration from this had to be the last battle in District 9. Very gritty, disorienting, and almost rag tag. I think I need to stress that even though they are a corporation, they're still just a very, very remote outpost and Winslow isn't getting the funding for security that he desperately needs. Plus they've underestimated their enemies gravely, since they're not fighting another corporation.

If you were to ask me how I would explain the poor martial technology of outer colonies, I would say that they're the "first wave" of colonists, who left Earth to escape the civil conflicts in primitive starfaring vessels. They would set up societies on any habitable planets they reached. However, the people of Earth, now unified and expansionist, would end up finding these struggling settlers and attempt to absorb them into the newly formed Coalition.

...

Problem is that I think this is a radically different background from the one you originally had planned. Also, the Coalition does not seem to be expanding beyond the Boundary. You could say that the Coalition ceased its expansion when the Hitler archetype assumed power and the Mergence split from them. This would cause their progress to halt as their military would be busy trying to quash any internal conflict. Also, there could be internal political pressures against further conquest.

Still, it's your story and it's up to you to work out the kinks. Another choice is to ignore them and hope that the readers don't notice/care, as I've been saying for awhile now. Barbariser

I'll definitely think on it. There's always things to change/better, and this is food for thought. Everything helps :).

Then why he didn't perform a surgery on the dead throat-slit guy's spine to see if it was giving out the crucial light? Also, I don't think he could have predicted the current course of events, and he must have been on the Oasis before the Nostos came and rescued him. So there has to be a reason why the Big Bad wanted to blow the station up with the Harbingers inside it. And the fact that he ran to the Nostos to get rescued indicates that he wasn't aware of the attack. Barbariser

Uh, looking back, I think I did make a mistake. I needed a convenient way to have Bardem tell Naeto about the trackers, and Amanda to find the second one through this knowledge. I will polish that up if I can. As for Bardem being on Oasis, I had something typed up here, but I'm making a decision and addressing it in ep 4. No spoilers for you!

Well, they definitely cannot be close to human borders, because that would mean that they'd be close enough for the Coalition to detect their civilization. Barbariser

By the time ep 7 rolls around, I think some things will be cleared up, and if not, you can science me up :P.

Well, I've been a playwright for a school project before and the one thing that frustrated me was how to explain the story without boring the audience with an overly-long narration. But I don't know how it's like writing a whole universe for a big screen presentation. A lot of the details will have to be be found in the visuals.Barbariser

Yes. It's kind of the same thing here with any fiction: how much is too much. The absolute-write forums, last time I checked, were adamant against info-dumps (with exceptions to sci-fi and fantasy), and I sort of took that rule to thumb in the Pilot ep with very minimal narrator interruption and everything is revealed through character speech. But since then, my problem from that was that I ran out of things for characters to do when speaking. Cross arms. Shake head. Look at character, etc. It works better for an actual screenplay, but I'm finding now I need to break up the dialogue with monologue (to avoid characters going into, like you said, unrealistic and overly long speeches into how things work).

I would indeed prefer longer episodes, as the plot can be made deeper that way. Right now I've got plenty of time for reading them, so it doesn't bother me that it takes an hour to finish one.

Barbariser

That works out perfectly, then. I thought it might take people a lot longer, but if 40k is good, I'll aim for that. Though school is starting, I'll actually have a lot more time to write before/after classes so I won't keep you waiting for too long in between releases. Again, thanks for taking the time to read and critique.

Lol I read the front page and I'd like to apologize on behalf of GDocs for you not getting the memo. :lol: GD no longer supports publish to web; the only way to share a doc is to now copy/paste directly from the address bar and change the view settings to "anyone with link" or "anyone on web."

I'm easing up on my own story next week and the first thing on my list is Super Police, afterward will be Nostos. This better be worth the wait! (That is my line, right?)

>_> I'm scared to release my next ep on Google Docs because I know that'll be about an hour's worth of fighting. But I think I have a system in place now, I just have to use like 3 computers to get it done.

Hope you enjoy the ride :).

: GD no longer supports publish to web; 

 

iloveflash

R U SRS????

Oh wait, anyone with link. S'all good.

Damn, I finally had time to read, just to discover that another episode is up and I'm even farther behind.

Episode 2, chapter 5:

"Jelly's fine. I'll stick with that."

Nice one.

""Jelly, down!"

I find the fact that she's using that name in such a serious situation really funny for some reason.

Really good action scene you have going here. I realize that one of the things I kinda miss with the series is that I'm not quite sure who is the main character if even there is one. While I like series that have many good characters, I still feel a need for there to be a number one.

Damn, I finally had time to read, just to discover that another episode is up and I'm even farther behind.

Really good action scene you have going here. I realize that one of the things I kinda miss with the series is that I'm not quite sure who is the main character if even there is one. While I like series that have many good characters, I still feel a need for there to be a number one.

waZelda

Just about halfway through the fourth ep now, hopefully you can catch up by the time it releases :). It's pretty slow going, I get done maybe 1000 words per night I spend working on it.

As for main character, I'm definitely gravitating towards two or three key characters as the series progresses, is what you will find in ep 3 as well. ie: In ep 2's case, a lot of the narrative is written with Sin's character voice (the cadence of writing is really distinct... which I completely abandon in episode 3), then in the next episode, we focus more on West so the narration changes yet again.

Part 3 done. I read chapter 6 earlier, but didn't find anything to comment on.

Chapter 7:

"then he heard two new voices. Fainter. Further away"

Isn't it "farther" when referring to distance?

"Saw that target four had turned to make a run for it."

Normally it's he saw. I can understand if you shorten it to demonstrate that everything is happening quickly in the text, but then startinga new paragraph contradicts that.

"Who the hell are you, and what are doing out there?"

Word missing

1. Just looked that up now, and I can't believe I'm only now finding out the correct usage :P. It should be "farther" yes. Ninja-edit: I scanned through my document and found I'd pretty much confused the two the entire time. So quick note, if you see "further down" I now know it should be "farther down" and so on.

2. Keeping with the flow of the narration, I did drop articles-- I'll probably go back and re-add some for West's POV, at least. It only sounds correct to me when Sin does it.

If you see more missing word errors, definitely bring them to my attention. I'm crazy blind when it comes to them.

Bump for incoming episode. Literally on the last few thousand-words stretch and will be finished and uploaded before tonight, unless Google Docs wants to f*** with me.

Fighting!

Guess Google **cked with you, huh?

EDIT: Wait, does the link lead to a full complete episode or the incomplete version?

Dammit, is there a problem with the link? That should be it there, at 40k. There is a little bit of a cliffhanger which will be addressed in ep 5. The problem with introducing new threads was that I couldn't wrap up the Nostos one nicely, but that storyline will continue to the finale (and beyond!).

Google Docs was actually great. I jumped the gun on Sunday afternoon, and I apologize for that. I was heading back to my apartment and thought I was going to wrap things up in 35k or less, then ended up pushing it all the way much to my amazement. When I was writing chapters 1-4, I was barely at 19k so I assumed I'd end up with a 25-30k episode actually. But then my chapter 5 was so big (way over 10k) I had to split it into two, and the customary "conclusion/resolution" chapter became number 7.

But I sat on the computer and powered through to the wee hours of the morning because I really didn't want to wait another few days to get it done (I don't do it now, I never will, is my way of thinking), though now I have two papers piled up and I'm kind of screwed haha.

Ah, okay. When I get time I'll start doing the individual links. It just involves a lot of copy/pasting and fighting with GS's text editor, so you'll see those up soonish.

EDIT - Okay just did it. That was less painful than I thought it would be.

Is Gemini supposed to be like a space Arabia? I feel thick for just thinking of this right now, but the Muslim expy who fought on this planet, the name of the drop point (Bhadir) the reference to them as "heathens", the use of American martial terminology and jargon and the description of the area (underdeveloped) ticked off my suspicions pretty quickly. Assuming this is the case, I thought that you didn't like basing things off historical conflicts? You seemed to have been embarassed by the name you gave to the Coalition leader.

Speaking of resemblance vibes, there are many parallels here to what people think of the early American colonization effort. For example, the dialogue is stylistically Western, colonies are small, their residents undereducated and violence is higly commonplace, only stymied by cowboy-esque heroes. I'm also not absolutely certain if this is a conscious "design choice" of the Nostos universe, but it seems an awful lot like it.

How can the Nova team enter the Kleos and move around normally? The Kleos is a dead ship, and its power systems do not seem to be active, so it has no working artigrav. They're all going to be floating around in a manner that does not allow one to "step" on things. In fact, in the second scene in the Kleos zero-g is mentioned, yet somehow they are still "stepping". This wouldn't be possible unless there was some way to anchor their feet to a surface like magnetized boots. Also, the bodies are "fresh" not because "the rot hasn't set in", but because bodies in space can't ever rot.

Naeto looked him in the eye and said, "Maybe there's a reason how or why this ship managed to ascertain our location. From across the universe."

That's stretching it very far, unless the "border" between Coal and Merge territory is a millions of light-years thick gap between two galaxies. 

Back to the Kleos, if desuiting was considered to be a fatal process, how were the members of the Nova capable of getting down onto it shortly after if there were only four suits? It would still be cold enough that anyone not in thermal gear wouldn't make it (it takes a lot of time and energy to heat up the interior of a ship from "lung freeze" to "survivable").

Besides that, Aron's method of defeating those guys doesn't actually work. Mass Effect got this right - explosive decompression doesn't happen in space because there's a pressure differential of 1 atm, whereas if I remember correctly explosive decompression (of the stuff getting sucked out kind) only happens with 5 atm or more. Also, how does Aron manage to hold on better than they can when he's right next to the decompression point and they're much further off?

The scene is accurate in that you can stay conscious for about a quarter minute when exposed to vacuum. However, he wouldn't feel particularly cold or chilly since heat is lost to space through radiation, which takes a really really long time. The real problem would be air getting sucked out of the lungs, but unfortunately I have no idea what that feels like since I've never personally undergone an explosive decompression. :P 

This episode has an impressive amount of character expansion. It feels like India, West, Sin and Aden suddenly became twice as deep and more complex. The only real complaints I have are India's cheesy speech to Roderic and the fact that Sledge was not mentioned at all in Sin and Aden's discussion, despite the fact she only started her little war with him after Sledge died. that Also, you certainly know how to write grey and grey morality, since it's hard to feel sympathy for either the Coal soldiers or the upstarts in Wests' backstory. 

I'm also not absolutely certain if this is a conscious "design choice" of the Nostos universe, but it seems an awful lot like it.

How can the Nova team enter the Kleos and move around normally? The Kleos is a dead ship, and its power systems do not seem to be active, so it has no working artigrav. They're all going to be floating around in a manner that does not allow one to "step" on things.

Also, the bodies are "fresh" not because "the rot hasn't set in", but because bodies in space can't ever rot.

That's stretching it very far, unless the "border" between Coal and Merge territory is a millions of light-years thick gap between two galaxies.

Back to the Kleos, if desuiting was considered to be a fatal process, how were the members of the Nova capable of getting down onto it shortly after if there were only four suits? It would still be cold enough that anyone not in thermal gear wouldn't make it (it takes a lot of time and energy to heat up the interior of a ship from "lung freeze" to "survivable").

Besides that, Aron's method of defeating those guys doesn't actually work. Mass Effect got this right - explosive decompression doesn't happen in space because there's a pressure differential of 1 atm, whereas if I remember correctly explosive decompression (of the stuff getting sucked out kind) only happens with 5 atm or more. Also, how does Aron manage to hold on better than they can when he's right next to the decompression point and they're much further off?

The only real complaints I have are India's cheesy speech to Roderic and the fact that Sledge was not mentioned at all in Sin and Aden's discussion,

This episode has an impressive amount of character expansion. It feels like India, West, Sin and Aden suddenly became twice as deep and more complex.

Also, you certainly know how to write grey and grey morality, since it's hard to feel sympathy for either the Coal soldiers or the upstarts in Wests' backstory.

Yes and no . I like to use historical events if there's a point I really want to make. Gemini is my space Vietnam and it's laden with many passing references I threw in. The first spoken line, "Good morning, Gemini" (Good Morning, Vietnam), "Storm Is Threat'nin" (first line of Gimme Shelter, delivered in the same cadence), Coalition supporting the "capitalist/democratic" (though this isn't specified) power, drug use by the GIs, Mi Lai Massacre, hinted loss of support on the home front/losing favour with the media during West's monologue at the end... there were a lot more Asian-centric names in the earlier outline (I wasn't even aware Bhadir was Arabic haha) but they got changed, and Gemini made to seem more like a politically corrupt African colony.
I don't like the Coalie leader name because you were right when you pointed out there is no reason for it to be German, however. The Nazi/U-Boat connection still stands . I think there is always going to be a little bit of a historical slant, but my job is to tweak it so it "fits" with the universe.Sharpie125

Fair enough, although I would say that it is the opposite of the U.S. propping the "democratic" foreign party; the Coalition is a secret despotic power, so it supports another despotic power (monarchies are autocratic, after all). Fridge Brilliance. I live in a Muslim-dominated country, so I recognize "Bhadir" as a name typically associated with Muslims or Indians, whose aesthetic concepts are similar to those of Arabic culture. Also, African countries have false democracies; monarchies are more common in Arabia. 

That's an accurate assessment, I can't deny. It was just more of a tonal choice, as I did the whole zero-g setpiece in ep 2, I didn't want to focus too much on it for this ep.  Sharpie125

There doesn't have to be a lot of focus on it, you just have to tweak it so they float around instead of walk. If you can describe floating bodies in a later scene without distracting anybody, you can do it for the whole subplot.

I knew this, but I think it was more of a figurative phrasing than a literal one. Rot not setting in was more to throw in the face of: when one stumbles across a body, CSI dictates it must be maggot infested. Just for added colour. I don't think it flows as nicely if I explained the process right then and there.Sharpie125

You wouldn't have to explain the process - in fact I would say that saying "bodies in space never decompose" is more "colourful" with respect to CSI than "bodies in space decompose more slowly".

Let's assume, for the sake of drama, and the fact that I didn't want another vac-suited adventure, that Darkstars have really powerful heating rods and time passes by quickly.Sharpie125

Well, okay. I'm not really willing to do the math (and I actually don't know how to do that here) for how much power it would take for that process to finish.

Ah. Would oxygen just drain out, in this case? And I think I planned for Aron to clip onto something, but I must've forgot that along the way.Sharpie125

Yes, air will drain out, but not as violently as in the movies. Oh well, you writing follows the rule of cool anyway, so keep the scene if you can't figure out an equally nice way to kill off those guys and save Aron.

Aw. I liked it . I was getting a little emotional while writing . It was definitely kind of heavy, but I just wanted to show a little bit of sentimentality in the girl-behind-India before she up and shoots a protagonist in cold blood.
You're right about Sledge. The thing with a lot of these dialogue-heavy scenes is that it all comes out *naturally*. I have an idea of where I want the scene to go, give a little fire to heat up emotions, then almost transcribe it as I think of it. Then I go back and add the "he said"s "she glowered"s. Sledge could probably be thrown in there, but I was kind of thinking they mentioned him two eps back and I didn't know if they should retread ground. The main point of the conversation was to have it turn on Sin, to reveal she was the one behind the accident Aden witnessed (mentioned in ep 2) and that she's been a jealous, conceited b**** all along. But I still love her as a character.Sharpie125

Since Sledge is the reason why they're at loggerheads, any argument between them about their current state of relations is going to have to involve him. Also, if you kill off a character and never mention it again later, it makes him/her look like an irrelevant redshirt.

This is, I think, the inherent beauty of writing it like a TV series. I still want to go back and spruce up my Pilot ep, but I can really dig into characters and relate it to the main plot as we go along through flashbacks or whatever. :Sharpie125

I don't think that novels are worse than TV shows for character expansion. Why do you say that?

I like despicable characters. West, I thought, was too much of a boy scout so I had to knock him down a couple of pegs. Making him a PTSD war-vet wasn't enough, I had to make him fit the pariah role I wanted to set up since the Pilot. So now he's a druggie coward. So when Hafner calls him a screw-up in their very first exchange in ep 1, this ep is exactly what he's referring to. I love making little connections like that. Same thing with the Brigetta story.
India was becoming irrelevant when she played nice with Tyrone. I felt she was losing her edge. The conceptual outline of this ep had India captured by Jin, and Tyrone resolving to rescue her. When I decided to go with betrayal, I knew I had to drum up an origin story for the Brigetta character. Also hinting, did Tyrone actually have something to do with the murder of Roderic? (Find out, next time on Nostos!)Sharpie125

Unfortunately I wasn't able to recall that particular scene from so early and "connect the dots". My ability to remember scenes in detail offhand has always been shoddy at best. Still, it's good that you were able to refer back to previous parts, especially when those parts were somewhere on the order of 200, 000 words back.

I did feel that West was becoming a moral Mary Sue in most of the previous episodes (since he used to have the most agreeable position in most situations). Still, I wouldn't say he's a "druggie coward" now, since his actions in the past chapters pretty much have him as a heroic warrior, and it's only now that I know about the fact that he's trying to redeem his past. However, it seems someone... coincidential that all West, Hafner and that other guy ended up on the exact same ship. 

Also, before this chapter I was beginning to get a vibe from both India and Sin being generic antiheroines. Now of course that's been remedied. I got suspicious of her blaming Tyrone when we see no indication of his presence or that of his crew anywhere in the scene where Roderic died. Furthermore, if he is innocent and she finds out, then it will end up being a repeat of her past mistake where she acted without considering the consequences and rammifications of her actions.

Overall there's a lot of drama potential here. Still, you promised not to spoil the story for me and I'll hold you to that.

If I could ask, what are your thoughts on plot progression thus far? Is it moving at an acceptable pace? Would you like to see it go faster/slower? I'm debating on if I should end the season at 6 episodes or 7... if you noticed asterisks during this ep, those are for jumping off points that I can go from to pretty much change the entire course of the series. As mentioned before, the new idea that I thought of will feature prominently in the season finale, but its conception kind of threw a wrench in some of my other unresolved plots, so now I'm scrambling to find the best way to tie it all together without having to go back and butchering my other eps. It'll work itself out, I think.Sharpie125

Didn't see the asterisks. I can't advise you about the "unresolved plots" since I don't know what they are and I don't want to know right now. The pace doesn't bother me, it's within my range of tolerance. And I don't know what is the ideal episode number to fit in the season, since that's very story-dependent and only you have the basic outline.

As always, thank for your critique. I'll always take it heavily under advisement, and please don't think I'm fighting you on some of these points. It's all just fuel for the creative process-it all goes in and I see if I can use it, or adjust it for dramatic/aesthetic/action purposes. Just remember, for all the people-feeling-angry-in-space, there is twice as many explosions xP.  Sharpie125

You are not particularly aggressive as far as writers go - I'd say that Flash puts up more fight against my critiques, but that doesn't bother me. In any case, if a writer doesn't defend his work or debate against a critique at least a bit, either the critique is completely right or his opinion of his own work is not very high. Anyway, I've never met a belligerent writer and honestly wouldn't know what to do with one.

The response I like the least is "cowardice". There's a writer who used to post stories here - full stories, which is more than I've achieved - but I posted some fairly harsh critiques and nearly scared the poor user off writing forever. A critique's purpose is to aid, not dissuade, so writers who receive harsh critiques shouldn't run away, they should read it and see if it is helpful or not. If I remember correctly, I soon after posted up another comment saying that her writing wasn't bad and that she should keep on trying, and thankfully she posted more works. However I never read them because things got hectic, I think.