Edward Elric Unofficial Compilation Part 2 - Rise of a Poet

Leading up to my Gr. 12 year, I hadn't really recognized that I had the gift for writing. The most notable thing I had written at the time was a sonnet from Gr. 10 English. However, in 2007 I finally became aware of my abilities and as such wrote several poems. The first was yet another mere assignment, but Spring 2008 saw a massive turn-out of pieces. Most of which I was incredibly happy with. To some extent, I'd like to say this was the beginning, but that's probably not true at all. Let's say, it was the rise; the high-point of my poetry writing thus far (this excludes my current level... I'm sure I can top the poems listed here now XD)! I hope you enjoy the following poems that include the sonnet from Gr. 10 and the pieces written throughout my initial Gr. 12 year. ^_^

 - - - - - - - - - - Unseen Darkness - - - - - - - - - -

He enters the darkness losing his sight
Leaving behind the brightness of his life
Trapped in a cave never to see his wife 
Walking around searching for any light
No sound but his own breathing rapidly
Is it all gone, as he dreamed happily
I can't wake up, it's becoming a nightmare
I still can't see, hello is anyone there?
He can hear the echoes but no replies
Moving forward but swiftly hits the ground
He rises reaching for the objects that surround
It's still so dark no light before his eyes
This really a cave for escape I cannot find
Wait this isn't a cave, I think I must be blind!


- - - - - - - - - - Inventory of Being - - - - - - - - - - 

Hand full of popcorn
In a theater of Fireflies
As the credits roll
I wipe shortsighted eyes

Gaining another piece of inspiration
Reaching closer to my goal
To make an impact with my words
Expressing the creativity within my soul

I'm a sucker for nostalgia
Yet I'm always moving forward
Mario, Pac-Man and Zelda
And perhaps a couple more

I listen to sounds of the east
And I promote it as well
Aya Hirano, The Pillows
And I can't forget L'Arc~en~Ciel

It's not the only genre I explore
For rap gives my life a flow
But now that's being disrupted
As I feel the majority is for show

The brothers of alchemy
Are my greatest inspiration
In everything I do, including
My historical fascination

Despite all these interests
I usually remain silent
Always willing to help
But not always compliant 

But this silence of mine
Allows me to reflect and think
To create this rhyme…
And poem of which I speak 

But these words won't last for long
As I've already begun moving 
To my next project
Titled 'Kesenai Tsumi'

- - - - - - - - - - Three Long Years - - - - - - - - - -

It's been three long years since I've seen her face
And yet, I haven't forgotten a single thing
I still remember her introduction in Grade Nine
Standing before me was this amazing beautiful girl, but
Aliens, time travelers, ghosts, monsters, and espers
Were the only sort of beings she cared for at the time
So I was taken by surprise, when I was given a quick reply
To curiosities of her statement, and the reason why
"Because it makes life more interesting", and somehow I helped
For I was the only one she talked to,
The only one who understood what she felt

It's been three long years since I've heard her voice
And yet, somehow I hear her calling, "Wake Up!"
Who the hell is calling me, this late at night?
"Not now", but once more ringing in my ears
"I'm telling you to wake up!"
Looking around I couldn't tell where I was
But, she was here, sitting at my side
She looked worried but calm
"I thought I was sleeping at home
So, where the hell are we?
I don't understand it at all
Why am I laying here in this dull world of gray?
And, on top of all that,
Why am I here with you?"
It seemed we were dropped in front of our old school
The last place I saw her
We didn't find anyone inside 
Suddenly, a bright fiery light flashed in the air
And, a large aircraft was crashing down
She was excited, and her eyes sparkled in its sight
She had once told me about a place 
A place, to hide from the melancholy of our world
Could this be it? And, if so
Is that why I am here?

It's been three long years since I've felt her touch
And yet, here we sit side-by-side after what lasted too long
Looking at the promise that brought us back
The small two-seater that we worked on so long ago
Our means of finding…
Aliens, time travelers, espers, and the like
Its wings sheltered us from the July sun
And, our flowing tears
But after three long years
This promise I will have kept
I grabbed her by the shoulders
With a reuniting kiss

- - - - - - - - - - Rainbow-Coloured Bus - - - - - - - - - -

Before these eyes, pass melancholic skies
Continuously waiting since yesterday
The day I will ride, a bus to take me outside
Beyond the prison walls of every day 

But, it's hard to find, colours that unbind
The thousands of dreams within
Because, there's no one to blame, everybody feels the same
In this dull world we are in

So here I am once again, in a ride with no end
In a machine of cold, grey steel
No yellows, no blues, no greens, no oranges or reds
Not even a decent meal 

Still, everyday I hope, rolling down that slope
That what I've longed to seek
Will cast a light, clearing the early night
As its ark reaches its peak

The dreams of the physical, will ease the cynical
As we move five centimetres per second
Slowly escaping the darkness, melting the heartless
Carrying us all to a place beyond mention

- - - - - - - - - - I am a Bear/Bokuw wa Kuma - - - - - - - - - -


Slowly beginning to fall
I sat atop her shoulder
Paws of snow and ice
Keep me a tumbling boulder

Outstretched hands in wonder
Her eyes shining bright as mine
Surrounded by cloudy faces
Their presence most unkind

Oblivious to the glares, she calls
"Kuma-chang!" aloud
"Isn't the snow pretty?"
Her words, puzzling the crowd

I just don't understand
Why do they look at us so?
Is my ribbon fading pink,
My fur blanketed by the snow?

That couldn't be the reason
So what does it all mean?
Their whispers being to gather
The message, simple and clean

"Why is she holding that thing?
She's a grown woman, not a child!"
But, what am I to do?
I'm just a bear, my only purpose
To make her smile

- - - - - - - - - - Sakura Drops - - - - - - - - - - 

Till now you've been a flower without a name, but
As the blossoms unfurled, and your beauty came true
I remained unheard, overcome by the warm summer rain
Hiding all my tears, my struggle to contend…
Your petals gracefully dancing in the breeze, whispering…
Notes of sweet cherries, a comforting familiarity 
Running along intimidating winds, I want to… but instead
Hold myself back, embracing the distance between us
Waiting, so its silk could fall into my hands, so that,
Maybe, I could transmute a piece to compare…
And not crumble once more, like the first time,
You kindly lent me your strength, I, could not…
Refusing to play my song, yet wishing it could be heard
But, now that you have drifted further away, perhaps…
I am ready! Or could I be too late? To make just one request,
As I seek shelter from the rain, for you to just try a little,
And, provide me another memory to keep me awake, then…
Hopefully time will allow me to nudge you softly,
So, that I might approach with the courage, to overcome…
My principle to not try, and shorten this distance…
Sit amidst your wonder, and play for you once more.

Sakura Drops and Rainbow-Coloured Bus were the only ones I really enjoyed. I have noticed two things which; in my opinion, detract from your writing: one, very bland rhyming. If you do wish to pursue a poem with an ABCB or ABBA rhyme scheme at least make the rhymes more interesting than...

He enters the darkness losing his sight
Leaving behind the brightness of his life
Trapped in a cave never to see his wife
Walking around searching for any light

However excellent the thoughts conveyed in the poem are; these sort of rhymes are very hard to take seriously; and in turn, seem quite forced. The other contention I have with your poetry is describing things in way's that are alien in meaning to the people that read them. It is very important! to have people understand your writing; if not the first time than at least the second time. In your poem Inventory of Being you describe very personal things which no one can personal relate to because they are Your's and your's alone. If presented as metaphor of perhaps the mind of an artists; Inventory of Being would be more accesible to the reader instead of feeling like a journal entry.

You show potential to be very good but you must first read some master poets as to gain a foundation to pursue your craft.

The sonnet was written 6 years ago (and my first time writing a sonnet... which was during a test...so lame), and the Inventory of Being was written 4 years ago (we had to list 20 things about ourselves within a poem, the title of the poem is universal for the assignment, and I limited myself to one page, so not to make it incredibly lengthy). Sakura Drops is probably the best poem I wrote before facing my struggles, and came as the last of a string of poems, the one before it was Rainbow-Coloured Bus, and the first was I am a Bear (there are three variations of that poem, one that I used in my haiku showing in my other topic, and one I threw together at random a few months ago). 

Of course, I'm not using the explanation above as an excuse to justify faults. So I shall take your criticism with great delight and be sure to keep these things in mind with both smaller and larger works. 

The sonnet was written 6 years ago (and my first time writing a sonnet... which was during a test...so lame), and the Inventory of Being was written 4 years ago (we had to list 20 things about ourselves within a poem, the title of the poem is universal for the assignment, and I limited myself to one page, so not to make it incredibly lengthy). Sakura Drops is probably the best poem I wrote before facing my struggles, and came as the last of a string of poems, the one before it was Rainbow-Coloured Bus, and the first was I am a Bear (there are three variations of that poem, one that I used in my haiku showing in my other topic, and one I threw together at random a few months ago).

Of course, I'm not using the explanation above as an excuse to justify faults. So I shall take your criticism with great delight and be sure to keep these things in mind with both smaller and larger works.

Full_Metal1923

I presumed that the sonnet and the Inventory of being were written for school so take my criticism with a grain of salt. I really enjoy your writing Full_Metal, and I look foward to reading more of your stuff. However, I do think that Three Long Years would make a better short story instead of a poem. Perhaps with a main character that represents yourself???

Actually, all the stuff I shared have been for school... just some I was able to stretch much longer. Sakura Drops was overdue several months because I thought of the idea much later, and then took quite a while to get it out. XD 

Three Long Years was supposed to be a dramatic monologue. XD 

You show potential to be very good but you must first read some master poets as to gain a foundation to pursue your craft.honkyjoe

I apologize but I have to disagree with you for a few reasons. You say that in order to become better at writing poetry you need to first read some master poets? There are people in this world who are quite capable of creating artworks on their own without the foundation of another. How did the first 'master poets' create their works if they had no predecessors? I would assume that they worked hard in using their brain, a writing utensil, and something to write on. What I'm getting at here is that Full_Metal has a foundation already much like you or myself and doesn't need to read poetry from certain writers in order to become better.

I would also like to apologize if I sound rude or disrespectful; I'm simply stating my opinion on the matter of what you said.

Anyways, I have told you time and time again that I enjoy reading your works especially the last two which have grown on me in the years. It's interesting to see how writing styles can change, grown and adapt in just a few years time. Regardless, I highly look forward to your latest works which I'm hopeful will have something up to the caliber of your greatest.

Sakura Drops and Rainbow-Coloured Bus were the only ones I really enjoyed. I have noticed two things which; in my opinion, detract from your writing: one, very bland rhyming. If you do wish to pursue a poem with an ABCB or ABBA rhyme scheme at least make the rhymes more interesting than...

He enters the darkness losing his sight
Leaving behind the brightness of his life
Trapped in a cave never to see his wife
Walking around searching for any light

However excellent the thoughts conveyed in the poem are; these sort of rhymes are very hard to take seriously; and in turn, seem quite forced. The other contention I have with your poetry is describing things in way's that are alien in meaning to the people that read them. It is very important! to have people understand your writing; if not the first time than at least the second time. In your poem Inventory of Being you describe very personal things which no one can personal relate to because they are Your's and your's alone. If presented as metaphor of perhaps the mind of an artists; Inventory of Being would be more accesible to the reader instead of feeling like a journal entry.

honkyjoe

I agree with you on the rhyming, but disagree with using those four lines as an example. Those were probably the most natural rhymes in that poem. Nightmare - there was way worse. I think the first four lines are pretty good, except I personally think the second line would sound better if changed to "leaving behind him the brightness of life".

You show potential to be very good but you must first read some master poets as to gain a foundation to pursue your craft.

honkyjoe

I have to go with miguelrc481 on this one. While reading the works of the masters can be helpful to many, I don't consider it a must.

Hand full of popcorn
In a theater of Fireflies
As the credits roll
I wipe shortsighted eyes

Full_Metal1923

If you count the syllables, it is 5, 9, 5, 6

In this kind of poem, it sounds good when the second and fourth line is longer than the first and third, but here one is way too long. I think 5, 7, 5, 7 would be perfect.

Gaining another piece of inspiration
Reaching closer to my goal
To make an impact with my words
Expressing the creativity within my soul

Full_Metal1923

Syllable count: 11, 7, 8, 13

While the first line could be shortened, the last line is the only thing that really bothers me. The two rhyming sentences should be more equal in length. 7 - 13 is way too big a difference.

I'm a sucker for nostalgia
Yet I'm always moving forward
Mario, Pac-Man and Zelda
And perhaps a couple more

Full_Metal1923

The change of rhyme theme from OAOA to AOAO (or ABCB to ABAC if you prefer) threw me off a little.

I listen to sounds of the east
And I promote it as well
Aya Hirano, The Pillows
And I can't forget L'Arc~en~Ciel

Full_Metal1923

I'm not sure how to pronounce that last bit, so my count might be wrong, but I counted 7, 7, 7 and 10 syllables. If cutting "I can't forget" it would be 7, 7, 7, 6 and flow much better.

It's not the only genre I explore
For rap gives my life a flow
But now that's being disrupted
As I feel the majority is for show

Full_Metal1923

Another long last line. How about "and it is mostly for show"?

The brothers of alchemy
Are my greatest inspiration
In everything I do, including
My historical fascination

Full_Metal1923

"Including" makes the third line very long, but I don't really have a suggestion.

Despite all these interests
I usually remain silent
Always willing to help
But not always compliant 

Full_Metal1923

A good stanza compared to the other, but to me it would flow a tiny bit better if it was stay silent instead of remain silent.

But this silence of mine
Allows me to reflect and think
To create this rhyme…
And poem of which I speak 

Full_Metal1923

Although it is the second time you use that rhyme sceme in the poem, it throws me off just as much as the first time.

But these words won't last for long
As I've already begun moving 
To my next project
Titled 'Kesenai Tsumi'

Full_Metal1923

The third line being so short breaks the flow for me.

Anyways, it is clear that it is something that the school and not the muse told you to write, but it is fairly descent.

I'll read more of them later.

[QUOTE="honkyjoe"]You show potential to be very good but you must first read some master poets as to gain a foundation to pursue your craft.Miguelrc481

I apologize but I have to disagree with you for a few reasons. You say that in order to become better at writing poetry you need to first read some master poets? There are people in this world who are quite capable of creating artworks on their own without the foundation of another. How did the first 'master poets' create their works if they had no predecessors? I would assume that they worked hard in using their brain, a writing utensil, and something to write on. What I'm getting at here is that Full_Metal has a foundation already much like you or myself and doesn't need to read poetry from certain writers in order to become better.

I would also like to apologize if I sound rude or disrespectful; I'm simply stating my opinion on the matter of what you said.

Anyways, I have told you time and time again that I enjoy reading your works especially the last two which have grown on me in the years. It's interesting to see how writing styles can change, grown and adapt in just a few years time. Regardless, I highly look forward to your latest works which I'm hopeful will have something up to the caliber of your greatest.

1st of all I never said that you needed to read master poets to become a better poet. I said he needs to read some master poets to gain a foundation to pursue his craft. Full_Metal shows talent that I cannot deny but it is essential to every poet to read other poets! You say that there are people in the world capable of creating artworks on their own without the foundation of another and I agree; however, that level of talent is sparse, constituting maybe one out of every one-hundred painters. To say that Full_Metal doesn't need to read master poetic works to become better - that it will simply happen - is the height of arrogance for one pursuing his or her craft. When you desire to be a novelist you must read novels and gain the appropriate knowledege neccesary to pursue that craft; sure, Charles Dickens could maybe write a complex sentence by the age of five not even knowing what it was but there is no doubt that his devotion to the art of the novel; reading, writing, re-writing, etc.. made him one of the best novelists of all time. You may argue that poetry is different and I agree; some poets have the "poetic gift" so to speak but the majority learn over time. That is the only reason why I suggest to Full_Metal that he read; specifically more Iambic Pentameter poems, because I see he lacks background in that area. His works are no doubt solid but as someone who has taken over four ccollege classes in Creative Writing and is majoring in English I feel that he could benefit as a writer from my advice:D

[QUOTE="Miguelrc481"]1st of all I never said that you needed to read master poets to become a better poet. I said he needs to read some master poets to gain a foundation to pursue his craft. Full_Metal shows talent that I cannot deny but it is essential to every poet to read other poets! You say that there are people in the world capable of creating artworks on their own without the foundation of another and I agree; however, that level of talent is sparse, constituting maybe one out of every one-hundred painters. To say that Full_Metal doesn't need to read master poetic works to become better - that it will simply happen - is the height of arrogance for one pursuing his or her craft. When you desire to be a novelist you must read novels and gain the appropriate knowledege neccesary to pursue that craft; sure, Charles Dickens could maybe write a complex sentence by the age of five not even knowing what it was but there is no doubt that his devotion to the art of the novel; reading, writing, re-writing, etc.. made him one of the best novelists of all time. You may argue that poetry is different and I agree; some poets have the "poetic gift" so to speak but the majority learn over time. That is the only reason why I suggest to Full_Metal that he read; specifically more Iambic Pentameter poems, because I see he lacks background in that area. His works are no doubt solid but as someone who has taken over four ccollege classes in Creative Writing and is majoring in English I feel that he could benefit as a writer from my advice:Dhonkyjoe

It's a difference of opinions, that's all. Much like how you use "1st" yet I would use "First". I no doubt give it to you that reading others works is a great way to strengthen your own techniques yet when you when too much into others work; sometimes you find yourself trying to create works like those you've seen instead of original pieces. Take for example, in the majority of my classes I've noticed that my English teachers have given me a different answer each time for how and when to use a semi-colon. My work is far from being perfect (in fact, no one's work is ever perfect - there are always differences in preferences). However, you do bring up solid points and having background knowledge in certain types of poetry makes it easier to create a swift and easy-going poem.

Just think about this though: a lot of people enjoy poetry and you suggest (at least with my work) to use words that are very seldom used. Take the word transgression for example: doesn't it ruin the mood and flow of a poem if someone needs to stop reading to check the definition of 'transgression'? The first impression is always the greatest, is it not? I have friends who do prefer more simple words in poems so that they can relate to them and understand them. Some people read these poems out loud and have to stop because they may not know how to pronounce 'transgression'. There are even people who have a difficult time reading poems because of their eye sight.

We could keep this going as I'm sure we both have strong points to support both of our sides but is it really worth it? This thread is for Full_Metal to receive constructive critism and feedback for his work and shouldn't be hindered by the two of us going back and forth about preference. I do respect what you say though. :)

To Honkyjoe. You use Charles Dickens as an example of one who read a lot of book and used this in order to become a better writer. I will give you a counter-example. To me, one of the best fantasy writers ever (though not internationally acknolaged) is Andreas Bull-Hansen. I actually prefer "Tale of the Horn God" over lord of the ring. However Bull-Hansen says that he rarely read others' books and think he is the only one who writes something interesting.

Still, let's drop that discussion since it seems our views doesn't actually differ all that much.

Standing before me was this amazing beautiful girl, but
Aliens, time travelers, ghosts, monsters, and espers
Were the only sort of beings she cared for at the time

Full_Metal1923

Do you really find it natural to read "but" as part of the first line and not the second one?

Except from the one rhyme in the poem, this one could as easily have been written as a short story. Personally I hoped you would continue rhyming last sentence with third last sentence, cause I kinda liked that.

- - - - - - - - - - Rainbow-Coloured Bus - - - - - - - - - -

Full_Metal1923

You know, it can be really jarring when you choose a rhyme sceme and don't stick to it. The sentence with the listing of colours sounded awful to me, and it ruined the (AA)B(CC)B system. Breaking a system at the end of the poem is okay though, since it creates a certain affect.

Slowly beginning to fall
I sat atop her shoulder
Paws of snow and ice
Keep me a tumbling boulder

Full_Metal1923

Third line could fit better if it was longer - like adding flakes after snow

Outstretched hands in wonder
Her eyes shining bright as mine
Surrounded by cloudy faces
Their presence most unkind
Full_Metal1923

Oblivious to the glares, she calls
"Kuma-chang!" aloud
"Isn't the snow pretty?"
Her words, puzzling the crowd

Full_Metal1923

Line 1 and 2 sound more like one big line than two smal and line 2 is much shorter than number 4 (at least if you pronounce puzzling as three syllables and you take into acount the coma).

The next stanza was pretty solid, so

That couldn't be the reason
So what does it all mean?
Their whispers being to gather
The message, simple and clean

Full_Metal1923

Forced rhyme and the coma in the fourth line slows it down too much.

- - - - - - - - - - Sakura Drops - - - - - - - - - -

Full_Metal1923

While I did like the poem, there were a lot of places where I was confused by how you started a new line in the middle of a sentence.