A few works from Miguelrc481

Hey. This is Miguelrc481 here (mrc481 or Zagettrix if you prefer) with a few of my poetic works. By posting these here, I was hoping to receive some constructive criticism that might help me better my writing technique. These are mostly free verse works and I deal primarily with inputting pop culture references (minus Beyond, Inspirational World, and Where Shapes Meet Symbols. All the poems that I placed into this topic are not in order of creation (minus the first one which was the first serious poem I wrote). I hope you enjoy these works.

---------- Dragon's Heart -----

Beating with the heart of a dragon,

Never stopping, he always moved forward

Standing tall, no one could over look him

A burning fire that was unable to dim

The pain of loss, driven to darkness

The pain of victory, the loss of kindness

The once shining dragon rose from the ashes,

Now dull, darkened by sorrow and gashes

Three heads of a dragon, one heart couldn't survive

Broken apart to which only the dark could revive

He looks at his hands and asks what went wrong

Why did he get beaten, why did he lose for so long

He breaks into tears and he curses himself

For leaving those he loved and going after the wealth

The power had gotten to him, he knew he wanted more

The mayhem, the carnage, the destruction and gore

It lasted until the day in which he drew his last breath

At that point in time he realized what was coming was his death

He hurt those he loved, it led him to confess

He cried because he knew he was one to transgress

His heart began to slow as it inched closer to its last beat

With his final move he summoned that shining dragon to its feet

That dragon stood tall, a symbol of his courage and skill

He dropped to his knees like he had overdosed from a pill

As that dragon started to fade, so too did his heart

Knowing in his final moment he received a new start

He took his last breath as his eyes started to close

His friends watched on, their lives had hit new lows

Slowly time passed and he died as no one spoke

Tears fell without stop as all their hearts broke

He was remembered a hero, defeating darkness before he passed

He was remembered and loved, his skills are unsurpassed

 ---------- Beyond -----

Look beyond the soul

See time take its toll

It'll bleed because

That's what it does

A heart as black as coal

 ---------- Where Shapes Meet Symbols -----

A circle has end at the assumptions you make.

If you know the end of your explanation,

You're one of the erased.

Explain how to be built incorrectly.

Access the point P(5,-3), Q(-2,4), R(-1,7)

Find the triangle A(2,-2), C(0,4)

Find the vertex J(2,5), L(-2,-5)

The bisector of a circle given end.

If it is a given triangle where shapes meet symbols,

Then the end is near.

You will now be erased.

---------- Inspirational World -----

The greatest feeling is one held onto - yet not remembered.

Presented in the form of an alternative reality.

Slowly the day fades into night and we're shown this world.

Magical sights where the imagination runs free

And the restraints of life are released to grant hope renewed.

Even though we first saw each other – face to face.

We met before in the world of sleepless wonder.

Where seeing you has shown me things I could not have imagined.

For nearly a year I lay in this world without

Inspiration or guidance.

Yet you gave me the greatest gift of all…

And although this world disappears when your eyes open.

To me, this place remains

Because you make me…

Happy.

 ---------- One Final Time -----

It's a place most don't go,

The world that never was.

Two boys stand here now.

The one – has no emotions.

He is a nobody – his nobody.

Like a torn photograph,

Like a gentle melody.

He fights his other – to understand.

"Tell me why he chose you!"

The battle doesn't last long.

He falls, to his knees.

A nobody – that's what he is.

He was never meant to exist.

Now it's clear – he understands.

Looking up into his eyes,

He feels complete now with his answer.

"You make a good other."

The battle is over.

He disappears, and everything

Is absorbed into darkness, one final time.

---------- Kenny Controls -----

It's dark but he can see everything clearly.

A distant flame fades away.

He looks down and stares at a photograph,

It's his only memory.

It's light but he can't see anything at all,

Causing pain and destruction everywhere.

Not aware of the suffering he's caused,

It's his last memory.

When it's dark, he can see,

When it's light, he cannot.

"Will you help me? What is your name?"

It's too late.

"I knew it."

Angels scream and devils cry.

All this time, his heart bled,

From a hole in his chest,

That he created,

But never noticed.

---------- Everlasting Dusk -----

A forest, spilling life out from every branch,

The spirits sit here calling out to passing travelers.

Continue on past the mist and through the meadow,

Catch of glimpse of elegance hopping gently across the lake.

Take in new life as it inhales for the first time,

That sweet, unpolluted air that can heal your lungs.

Mythical creatures that not only stand out and amaze,

But also turn your seconds into minutes as you stare on.

A howl towards the moon will send the shivers through you,

Vines hang low and spread the feeling of personification, everlasting.

It's here where time doesn't matter, everything just exists.

Where you can hear the subtle marching of boars on their trail.

Reliving the unknown memories past onto you by the wind,

Spend some time here and enjoy the moment – frozen in time.

---------- An Eternity In A Moment -----

The clock's hands tick seconds away from the days to which we live,

Yet the strongest feelings of love flow through without harm.

The cherry blossoms fall elegantly from the looming tree branches,

Giving the calming impression of descending snow flakes.

A letter written to remind of a faithful bond between two,

Lost to the fierce wind during the journey through the night.

Arriving late due to delays caused by the severe snowstorm,

But there she sat anyway – cold and lonely, second seat from the right.

With the station closing – they head out toward the snow covered field,

Standing for what seemed like an eternity, reminiscing on times past.

The snow flakes fall gracefully from clouds obscured by the darkened sky,

Giving the peaceful impression of cherry blossoms falling soundlessly.

Restless eternities know of moments shared and moments lost,

Letting their story be past on to the gentle breeze – to be told another day.

Only sure that in a moment – with both of them turning,

That time be forgotten – love would have found its way home.

- Zagettrix

I apologize for not having any general tips for your writing technique, but I will go through the poems and give some tips on how to improve them. Some of the mistakes you should think about and try not do in future poems.

Standing tall, no one could over look him

Miguelrc481

Overlook is in one word.

The pain of loss, driven to darkness

The pain of victory, the loss of kindness

Miguelrc481

Not the best of rhymes. When it ends with -ness the second last syllables in thetwo sentencesought to rhyme as well.

He looks at his hands and asks what went wrong

Why did he get beaten, why did he lose for so long

Miguelrc481

A) I get the impression that so long was added to make it rhyme, and I don't see how it makes sense in the poem

B) Stick to either present or past form when writing an epic

He breaks into tears and he curses himself

For leaving those he loved and going after the wealth

The power had gotten to him, he knew he wanted more

The mayhem, the carnage, the destruction and gore

It lasted until the day in which he drew his last breath

At that point in time he realized what was coming was his death

Miguelrc481

I counted 11, 13, 14, 12, 14 and 15 syllables. The variation is to big and ruins the flow in this part of the poem. Considering the couplet form, there should at least not be too much variation between the two lines in a couple. When it comes to the first couple here, my suggestion would be to change the second line to:

"For leaving his loved ones in favour of wealth"

Then it would be 11 - 11, and I also think it sounds less clumsy than having an and in the sentence. On the second couple I really don't mind, because the comas ensure that you will read the second line more slowly so they will seem equally long. In thethird couple I think they should all be shortened slightly. Cut the "in" from the first line and the "in time" from the second and they will both be 13 syllables. Still I think the last sentence ends clumsily. I suggest changing it to "realized the coming of his death". If you pronounce realized as three syllables, it will still be 13.

He hurt those he loved, it led him to confess

He cried because he knew he was one to transgress

Miguelrc481

First line seems a little short compared to the other, so I would suggest replacing the coma with and.

His heart began to slow as it inched closer to its last beat

With his final move he summoned that shining dragon to its feet

Miguelrc481

Sorry to be so picky about the number of syllables, but you just jumped from an 11-12 couple to a 15-16 couple. Major flow breaker. You could shorten the first by writing "slowed" instead of "began to slow" and maybe change "inched closer to its last beat" to "approached its final beat", however I'm not sure how to shorten the second one without slightly changing its meaning, but if you are willing to cut the "final move" part it could be "And then he summoned that shining dragon to his feet"

That dragon stood tall, a symbol of his courage and skill

He dropped to his knees like he had overdosed from a pill

Miguelrc481

First one (and this is a personal preference) I think either "as a symbol of courage and skill" og "symbolizing his courage and skill" would sound better on the first one. Second, I don't think the pill part works, because it is a modern reference (well relatively at least) and until that point the poem seems timeless and might as well be from the middle age.

He took his last breath as his eyes started to close

His friends watched on, their lives had hit new lows

Miguelrc481

I don't like the second line because a period seems to fit better than a coma and the line really should be one setence, not two. The use of "had hit" which is like a retrospective within the past is also misplaced. My suggestion would be "his friends watched on as their lives hit new lows". Oh and (personal preference once again) I'd say began would sound better than started.

Slowly time passed and he died as no one spoke

Tears fell without stop as all their hearts broke

Miguelrc481

The last line is 10 syllables and rather short compared to the other lines in the poem. I would suggest removing "all" and finding a suitable adjective to place between their and heart.

He was remembered a hero, defeating darkness before he passed

He was remembered and loved, his skills are unsurpassed

Miguelrc481

I hate this rhyme and all other rhymes were one of he words ends with the other word (like night - forthnight). I'm sure you could find a better pair of words to rhyme, and also make the setences equally long. Also let me repeat that you should be consistent about which time it is. At the end you could switch to present as you are describing the hero's legacy, but then you must use present in the whole ending (he is remembered) and not just at the end of the end.

After all that, you might not believe me when I say I thought it was a really well-written poem, but I do - at least mostly. The critic in me is mostly awoken when I see something I think is nearly brilliant, but could need a little work, so take it as a compliment.

Look beyond the soul

See time take its toll

It'll bleed because

That's what it does

A heart as black as coal

Miguelrc481

Very good, I love it. Although it is mostly asonance rather than rhymes I guess you would call it a limeric. I only have one thing to suggest to improve this. I think a limeric flows best if the third and fourth line are shourter than numer 1, 2 and 5, leaving the effect that it speeds up before slowing down again. In that respect, the third line slows it down too much for me. Unless it is important to you that the line is in future tense, I would suggest changing it to "it bleeds because".

---------- Where Shapes Meet Symbols -----

Miguelrc481

I like this one. I think it is the first mathematic poem I've ever read.
 

---------- Inspirational World -----

Miguelrc481

I don't have much to comment on with this one since it was very free-flowing, but I thoroughly enjoyed the poem both in terms of form and substance. Great stuff.

It's a place most don't go,

Miguelrc481

"Where most don't go" or "most don't go too" would make more sense.

He is a nobody – his nobody.

Miguelrc481

Very interesting and intriguing choice of words. May I ask what you mean to say with this line?

A nobody – that's what he is.

He was never meant to exist.

Miguelrc481

A rhyme - or near-rhyme at this point is kind-of a flowbreaker since it otherwise doesn't rhyme.

---------- Kenny Controls -----

Miguelrc481

I'll get to reading the last two later, but now I need a break. Anyways, very good stuff overall.

[QUOTE="Miguelrc481"]

He is a nobody – his nobody.

waZelda

Very interesting and intriguing choice of words. May I ask what you mean to say with this line?

A nobody – that's what he is.

He was never meant to exist.

Miguelrc481

A rhyme - or near-rhyme at this point is kind-of a flowbreaker since it otherwise doesn't rhyme.

Anyways, a very interesting poem. could you tell a little about the context?

I highly appreciate your comments and helpful nature toward my work (especially with Dragon's Heart). I know it needs a lot of work to help better the overall enjoyment when reading it but I was surprised to see how much. Regardless, I'll give it a whirl and edit it up a bit. Originally, this is based off a character from an animated show but having you mention that it could be timeless has opened my eyes to more possibilites. Thank you.

Where Shapes Meets Symbols was created during my Gr. 12 Writer's Craft course. My teacher gave me a scrap piece of paper from the recycling bin and told me to select certain words from the sheet and create a poem out of it.

I'm really glad that you like Kenny Controls (one of my best) and Inspirational World (the last poem I've written to date). I really look forward to what you have to say about my final two poems (the final one being the one everyone dubs as my best work). Take your time though, no rush.

Like I said before, I really enjoy pop culture references in my works and One Final Time is no exception. You asked me to explain more about it and so I shall:

The poem is based off the character of Roxas from Kingdom Hearts II. You'd have to have some knowledge of the series to truly understand the idea behind it but it's not really needed. In basics, if someone with a strong heart loses their heart, another form of them is created without a heart called a NoBody. I never intended to have those two lines rhyme or near-rhyme with each other in anyway. 

Dragon's Heart

I think the concept is quite strong in this poem; the dragon as a metaphor is fantastic. However, the rhyming seems incredibly forced and dull which detracts from the work a lot; and as the poem continues the lines get longer, and longer, and longer, which changes the rhythm in how it's read significantly.

Beyond

Quite good. Short and sweet.

Where Shapes Meet Symbols

I guess my hatred of Math has been transfered to Math-Poetry:P

Don't take this too seriously, this poem just isn't my thing.

Inspirational Word

My favorite out of them all. I really like the closure of the piece but the title doesn't really seem fitting to me. (Im sure it does to you)

One Final Time

Read like a creek bed to me; bumpy and a bit out of order. I love what you have going on with the repitition and the pauses but it seems you need something to tie them together to make the poem smoother as a whole. Great concept though.

Kenny Controls

I didn't really understand this poem too much and thought the the rhyming mixed with the free verse didn't work out to well in the long run.

Everlasting Dusk

Excellent use of imagery. This poem felt very gloomy and at the same time very warm and gentle. I applaud you for this one.

An Eternity In A Moment

Again, excellent imagery; albeit, conveyed within a personal story I presume? Quite well done.

I like your writing style, particularly when it comes to free verse. However, there is one thing in particular I notice about your work and that there is a distinct lack of strange and unconventional words. I think that maybe throwing in a more seldom heard words would benifit your poems as long as they were carefully chosen.

I definitely enjoyed your peoms that didn't rhyme more as it seemed that a few of the rhymes forced you into some similes that I didn't really think fitted the tone of the poem. However, your rhymes certainly do flow on the bright side!

Inspirational World is definitely my favourite. Perfect tone, great mood, and lovely flow. :)

---------- An Eternity In A Moment -----Miguelrc481

Wow, this stuff is brilliant. There is just one thing I would like to point out. While your poem does seem romantic in the way you use beautiful words such as blossoms and gracefully, there are a few words that doesn't fit the tone well to me. The first time I read it, I didn't even notice the word, just enjoyed the sound and flow of them, but when it said "due to delays caused by" it didn't work for me.