To the guys who have/want kids..

#1 Posted by jasean79 (2375 posts) -

I have a question for you.

At what point did you feel you were "ready" for kids? Was there always a desire to want to start a family and have children?

The reason I ask is because my wife really wants children (sooner rather than later). We've been married for 2 years, together about 7 years. As most women I know who've gotten married, children is always a wish they want to have fulfilled. I however, don't feel the same way about it, never really did and she knows this and it does bother her. I could ultimately be a deal breaker for our marriage, and I'm aware of this.

I guess for me, I never really had the desire to want to have any children of my own. I'm not really fond of kids, but that's not to say that I don't like them. I guess I just have a hard time relating to anyone that young. That's why I'm curious as to why some men would and what the reasons are. Is it because it's something that you and your woman create? To carry on your family name?

People always tell me, "It's different when you have your own". I'm sure it is, but I don't know if taking a risk and having kids, solely for this reason is going to change how I feel about them. I was just hoping someone could shed some light on the subject; maybe was in a similar position as I am now and changed their mind?

#2 Edited by EasyComeEasyGo (585 posts) -

Well for me, I'm a Dad and I was never into or thinking about having kids but when my Girlfriend told me she was Pregnant, I was kinda scare at first because I though my life would change and I will never be able to play my games again but this was back in 2008 when she was Pregnant. We have a 5 year old Daughter now. (She just turn 5 this Month) to answer your question, I would say just make sure you are finish with College or whatever your doing just make sure you have the best career before you have kids. Having a kid can be fun but remember that this is part of life and if you and your wife have a awesome career, I say you should be a-okay ready for kids.

I'm not marry, me and my baby mom just live together as we are marry so I like it like this.

#3 Posted by jasean79 (2375 posts) -

@EasyComeEasyGo said:

Well for me, I'm a Dad and I was never into or thinking about having kids but when my Girlfriend told me she was Pregnant, I was kinda scare at first because I though my life would change and I will never be able to play my games again but this was back in 2008 when she was Pregnant. We have a 5 year old Daughter now. (She just turn 5 this Month) to answer your question, I would say just make sure you are finish with College or whatever your doing just make sure you have the best career before you have kids. Having a kid can be fun but remember that this is part of life and if you and your wife have a awesome career, I say you should be a-okay ready for kids.

I'm not marry, me and my baby mom just live together as we are marry so I like it like this.

We're both in our 30's and have the time for children. The finances are a little tight now, however. I'm out of work and looking, so obviously now isn't the time to plan. She'd like kids in the next 2 years, so I have to until then to"convince" myself to want kids. :D

#4 Posted by DaBrainz (7673 posts) -

I think if you're waiting to be ready you will never be ready.

#5 Posted by Korvus (3900 posts) -

I started wanting to be a father when I was 12 (no, I didn't want to have a kid right away at the age of 12, it was one of those "when I grow up" things =p) and it was a really strong desire that stayed with me always. When my relationship with the girl I ended up marrying started becoming serious, kids was one of the first thing we discussed; we both wanted them but she said she wasn't ready yet. At a point we decided it would be something we'd try "once we got married" (for no particular reason, just seemed the natural course of things since we did want to get married). We got married 3 weeks ago so hopefully there will be good news for both of us soon =)

Did you and your girl never discuss the subject before getting too serious? Sounds strange, particularly considering it seems like such a big deal for her. I wouldn't necessarily recommend having kids "just in case I end up liking them"...didn't work for my father...

But them you have people (like EasyCome) who is pleasantly surprised by fatherhood. I'd say have a nice, long chat with your partner and have her explain why exactly she wants kids; I've seen several people (guys and girls) being "converted" by hearing their partners explaining their reasoning and going from "I'm not sure I want that" to "Yeah, that actually sounds nice; I can see myself doing that".

#6 Posted by comp_atkins (31473 posts) -

they way i think about kids ( none yet ) is that 20-30 years from now i'd be much happier having had kids then not. it's fucking up present-me's life for the benefit of future-me.

#7 Edited by alim298 (1469 posts) -

For me it's just instincts. I want to have kids of my own don't know why...

#8 Edited by Korvus (3900 posts) -

@DaBrainz said:

I think if you're waiting to be ready you will never be ready.

This is true though. It's one thing to say "Now is not a good time because we can barely feed ourselves" and that's valid, but you're never completely ready and relaxed with the prospect of being fully responsible for another human being.

#9 Posted by jasean79 (2375 posts) -

@korvus: We've talked about it numerous times (and usually ends up with her getting upset and "not wanting to talk about it" lol). She says her desire is to "create someone that only her and I can" and to "carry on the family genes". I understand her point of view, but it's hard for her to understand mine.

I look back when I was a kid and think maybe something happened that made me this way. I have an older brother who was married and has twins (now 12) and a younger sister who has a 5 y/o boy. Both of their pregnancies weren't planned and happened prior to them both getting married (they're both now divorced). I don't think for them that they regret the decision to have kids. Sure, they were scared at first, but seemed to progress well into the role of parenthood. Perhaps it would be the same for me? I don't know.

In the past, I've dated a girl who had a young daughter and while at first it was awkward for me stepping into that role of being a "friend" to her mom, over time I became quite attached to her and her daughter. When it ended, I was hurt. Granted, that's not the situation I'm in now, but having that experience of being with someone with a child has made me realize that I CAN be a good father if I wanted to be. So, I know at least that I would fit the role.

But, the want to start my own "from scratch" just isn't on the same level as my wife now. I told her that I would talk to some people that have/want kids (hence my post) and get some feedback as to why they feel that way. Maybe someone's experience could change my mind on the matter.

#10 Posted by Korvus (3900 posts) -

@jasean79: I understand, I'm just surprised that she feels so strongly about it but decided to be with someone who didn't want kids. (Although since you're happy with her, I'm glad she did)

I have always loved kids; when I was 8yo I'd stay home alone with my 2 year old and 4 months old nieces and I'd babysit them until my sister got home at night. Feeding, changing diaper, bather, put to sleep...the whole business. She was also divorced so I was a "father figure" to them from early in my life. I'd discipline them, help with homework, give advice...After that I made some friends who had babies and I'd bond with them from day 1 (like you said, it hurts when you can't see them anymore). The kids would even call me asking me to come by; one in particular had to see me almost every day; taught her to walk, talk and later on she even asked me if I could teach her to read and write but by then I was too far away.

I've always had the nesting instinct and I don't know how to be any different. I love kids, kids love me (I can act like a big kid when I'm with them) and it all came naturally to me so I'm afraid I won't be a "hated kids, now I have a huge family" case but if you'd like to know why I want to have kids so badly I'll oblige (although I think you get the picture by now)

#11 Posted by always_explicit (2932 posts) -

For me it didnt even seem real until the day my daughters were born. The discussions about having children.... the pregnancy itself.... nothing about it particularly resonated with me. It wasnt something I "understood". I cant say I wanted kids, It was just something that happened. My girlfriend fell pregnant and we both just ran with it.Then one day I got handed these two tiny little girls and I was totally overwhelmed with the need to love them, protect them, care for them. Now they are everything to me. They are a constant consideration in almost every aspect of your life...and that is the challenge. I have no doubt you would click in to fatherhood, I actually think the fact your taking time to discuss fatherhood with your wife and others shows that your going to be a great dad.

I went from indifferent about kids to wanting a small army of children. If I could guarantee that I could provide for more children and my girlfriends body managed to hold out I could see myself becoming a father several more times.

#12 Edited by Korvus (3900 posts) -

@always_explicit: You might not be one of my favourite people in the forums but that post was sweet =D I'm really happy it turned out like that and your girls are lucky to have such a loving father. Belated congratulations (no idea how old they are but I just now found out you're a daddy =P)

#13 Posted by magicalclick (22813 posts) -

I want to have kids because I know I will never be complete without kids. Although it has been an almost impossible dream. Am gay, no bf yet, surrogate is extremely expensive, and I like kinky things, actually I love it too much kinky things, I don't even know how I can manage both kids and kinks.

Still, I want kids. Not because I love them. I am just as afraid. But, see, that's the whole point. To be brave enough to go raise a family and learn as I walk on this journey. I want that. That is an experience I believe I have to go thru if I want to be complete.

I expect he/she will give me whole lot of headaches, but, that's what i want. I want that experience. Maybe just my masochistic side talking, but, I truly believe having that experience is important and desirable for me.

OF course, kids are nice when I becomes a grandpa. I don't want to ended up being alone honestly. Seeing them grow up makes me feel less alone IMO. When I get old, I want to see grand kids and spoil them.

#14 Edited by jasean79 (2375 posts) -

@always_explicit said:

For me it didnt even seem real until the day my daughters were born. The discussions about having children.... the pregnancy itself.... nothing about it particularly resonated with me. It wasnt something I "understood". I cant say I wanted kids, It was just something that happened. My girlfriend fell pregnant and we both just ran with it.Then one day I got handed these two tiny little girls and I was totally overwhelmed with the need to love them, protect them, care for them. Now they are everything to me. They are a constant consideration in almost every aspect of your life...and that is the challenge. I have no doubt you would click in to fatherhood, I actually think the fact your taking time to discuss fatherhood with your wife and others shows that your going to be a great dad.

I went from indifferent about kids to wanting a small army of children. If I could guarantee that I could provide for more children and my girlfriends body managed to hold out I could see myself becoming a father several more times.

This is the kind of feedback I like to hear. It's posts like this that make me understand parenthood a little bit more. That's why I directed the thread towards guys, because I needed advice I (as a guy) could relate to. So, thanks for the reply! :)

#15 Posted by always_explicit (2932 posts) -

@korvus Thank you I really appreciate that. Despite our differences in opinion on certain issues, based on your previous post in this topic and your attitude to life in other topics...for what its worth I imagine you will be an amazing father yourself. I sincerely hope you get the news your seeking soon.

My only advice would be and i dont mean this to come across as a patronizingly obvious statement, just helpful sentiment.

Support your good lady. I know my girlfriend went through phases of feeling very ugly and unattractive, understandably emotional, incredibly fearful on occasion. She's always been a worrier but the pregnancy intensified a lot of her pre existing insecurities. Not so much mid-late preganancy...but deffo for the first few months.

For the most part though it was pretty easy, just constant foot rubs.

P.S - If she gets huge...DO NOT...crack jokes about the waddle...totally not worth the consequences :P

#16 Edited by always_explicit (2932 posts) -

@jasean79 Your welcome buddy, I hope it "clicks" at some point. Keep us posted.

#17 Posted by -Blasphemy- (3102 posts) -

i dont have any kids but now that i am 30 i do want some. i dont know why i just want some to call my own i guess. i think it would be fun to raise them. well not at first but after they grow a little.

#18 Edited by Korvus (3900 posts) -

@always_explicit: Thanks for the good advice. Sadly she has plenty of experience with feeling ugly and worthless. Her ex was an ass; typical case of older guy with nothing to offer seeing pretty girl and the only way he sees of getting her to be with him is to make her feel worthless, unattractive and feeling like she will never find a guy, so "might as well" be with him.

It took some time to undo the damage that asshole did, and I always make sure I let her know how gorgeous she is, flirt with her constantly and do the whole playful "That guy keeps checking you out, I might have to go there and hit him" thing (she always laughs). So obviously when we started talking about getting pregnant she started right away with "I'm going to look terrible and huge" so every now and then I say stuff like "when you're pregnant and your eyes are sparkling even more you're going to be even more beautiful" and she's easing up on the insecurity.

She's also really worried she'll be a terrible mother even though she's great with kids, but I guess that's normal; I have it too.

Anyway, I'd like to apologise to you. I judged you based of a few threads but I may have been wrong about you. Guess nobody is at their best when they're feeling attacked so you might actually be a decent guy ;-)

#19 Edited by Ariabed (1123 posts) -

@jasean79: your in a difficult position man, do you have a child to please your wife and hope that you will want and love it by the time it is born or keep putting having a child off and hope your wife doesn't get fed up with you hmmm.

I think it depends on how much you love your wife, is she your everything, your soul mate, best mate lover all these things in one, are you of the mindset that you couldn't be without her? Also would you do anything to make her happy?

Do you think having a child would ruin the relationship?

Where as not having a child could also break down the relationship? Catch 22 aye.

She knew you wasn't fond of the idea of having kids before she married you I assume, but she married you anyway, it would be unfair of her to leave you for not wanting kids, but she may have been hoping that you would come around to the idea, Maybe you gave her a hint that you may want kids in the future.

I think it boils down to, do you not want kids more than you want to stay with your wife? if it came to that.

You do sacrifice a lot of yourself when you have a kid, same for marriage as well I guess, no more gaming for hours on end or going out with mates all the time, some men still do that but it's not really fair on the wife, and a lot of attention will be taken away from you and will go to baby, some men can't handle that and even get jealous of baby. You have to lend a hand with looking after a baby especially the first 6months when baby is up at night for feeds your wife will be exhausted she would need your support. It's not all doom and gloom though watching little one getting bigger and when she/he start making there first cute baby noises when they start looking up at you and smiling and laughing, teaching them simple skills like clapping, teaching them to crawl walk, and yeh just watching them grow up it's all worth while. If none of that appeals to you then your obviously not ready for kids.

#20 Edited by hippiesanta (9890 posts) -

chocolate on diapers .... ewe

#21 Posted by AutoPilotOn (8524 posts) -

Me and wife are trying. She did get pregnant around last September. We started buying thighs have crib and other stuff. She ended up having miscarriage. She was feeling a little sick this week. Had high hopes but test came back negative couple days ago. We will see I guess.

#22 Edited by Korvus (3900 posts) -

@AutoPilotOn: Sorry to hear that; stay strong and best of luck!

#23 Edited by Ariabed (1123 posts) -

@AutoPilotOn: sorry to hear that man, wish you all the best for the future.

#24 Edited by SolidSnake35 (58110 posts) -

I want kids so that their children can tune in my radio when I'm 95.

#25 Posted by jasean79 (2375 posts) -

@ariabed: All good points, and trust me, I've thought about them all.

Aside from my feelings on the situation, I just don't know if my wife is ready for kids either. She says she wants to have them soon, but the way she approaches it worries me a bit. For instance, I'm not working now and she works part-time (and no health insurance at the moment). We barely make enough to get by as it is with her and I and two cats to worry about. However, she thinks that with a baby coming along we'll have plenty of help from friends and family (and the government) to make up for anything we can't provide for the child. While some of that may be true, I can't expect everyone else to take the weight while we try to get our lives in order.

And, since she is only part-time, I don't know how much time off her job will allow; maternity leave may not even be an option now. So, if we were to have a child, normally the mother gets about 6-8 weeks off for leave, and then returns. If she has no leave, then she loses money and I sure as hell can't support all of us on what I get now. Then, what after the 8 weeks? Is daycare the next step? Well, that shit ain't cheap. So, how we can expect to work that into the mix as well?

See, when my wife and I have this talk, I'm the "logical" thinker and she's the "emotional" one. So, we always clash. I'm always thinking about the finances, can we afford this, what if something happens and the child is sick, or the house needs repair, etc.? These are constantly on my mind as it is, and to work another human being in the mix puts that much more stress on our situation. She, however, approaches it differently. She kind of has this care-free attitude when it comes to financial support, and thinks that all will be taken care of once the child is born - friends and family will pitch in, we'll be given diapers for free, etc. That's mostly what we clash about when the topic of kids come up.

Now, I know that no one is ever 100% financially ready for kids, I get that. But as it stands, until she gets full-time and I find another job, kids are not even an option at this point.

#26 Edited by jun_aka_pekto (16345 posts) -
@jasean79 said:

I have a question for you.

At what point did you feel you were "ready" for kids? Was there always a desire to want to start a family and have children?

The reason I ask is because my wife really wants children (sooner rather than later). We've been married for 2 years, together about 7 years. As most women I know who've gotten married, children is always a wish they want to have fulfilled. I however, don't feel the same way about it, never really did and she knows this and it does bother her. I could ultimately be a deal breaker for our marriage, and I'm aware of this.

I guess for me, I never really had the desire to want to have any children of my own. I'm not really fond of kids, but that's not to say that I don't like them. I guess I just have a hard time relating to anyone that young. That's why I'm curious as to why some men would and what the reasons are. Is it because it's something that you and your woman create? To carry on your family name?

People always tell me, "It's different when you have your own". I'm sure it is, but I don't know if taking a risk and having kids, solely for this reason is going to change how I feel about them. I was just hoping someone could shed some light on the subject; maybe was in a similar position as I am now and changed their mind?

I never felt it was time to have kids. When the first kid came, I thought, "That's it. No second kid." Then when the second kid came, I thought, "No third kid. I'm done."

But, once the kids are there, I try to be a good father to them. Still, the thought is always, "That's it. No more kids."

#27 Posted by ferrari2001 (16975 posts) -

Most people say they don't want kids and it's going to be a burden but after they have a child it becomes everything to them and changes their lives for the better, at least in most cases. I undoubtedly want kids. I just haven't found the right person since it obviously takes 2. Some day though I plan to have many of the little bastards.

#28 Posted by Ariabed (1123 posts) -

@jasean79: fair enough, she is right though if you have good family and friends they would help out till you were both back on your feet, but I get what your saying also, you don't wanna have to rely on others you don't want to have ask anyone for anything, you want to support yourself and your family. Your wife is 30 now? If so that biological clock is ticking women don't like to have babies to far from 30.

I really wish you all the best, and hope everthing works out well for you both, I'm sure it will.

#29 Posted by Horgen (110151 posts) -

I wasn't ready until a few months after he was born. I mean mentality ready. Apparently I did most things right from the start I've been told.

#30 Posted by plageus900 (1081 posts) -

Ugh. Kids.

Thank god my wife doesn't want them either.

#31 Posted by Wilfred_Owen (20876 posts) -

@plageus900 said:

Ugh. Kids.

Thank god my wife doesn't want them either.

Let me be the first to say an early congratulation. You'll need it 2 days from now.

#32 Posted by plageus900 (1081 posts) -

@Wilfred_Owen said:

@plageus900 said:

Ugh. Kids.

Thank god my wife doesn't want them either.

Let me be the first to say an early congratulation. You'll need it 2 days from now.

:D

#33 Posted by cameroncr95 (39 posts) -

I was never "Ready" and still am not.

I do however, have a child which I have miraculously been able to keep secret from my family. The mother has him with her down in F-L Florida.

How it happened was a funny story. When I was 16 I was a virgin and my friend dared me to have sex with his 17 year old sister, which she wanted too. Long story short, she got pregnant. Am I bad luck brian? Maybe. Who knows.

My first time and I get someone knocked up. Anyways, my son is now 3 :P.

#34 Edited by CWEBB04z (4590 posts) -

I want kids. So one day, he will win me (yes, me) a superbowl trophy. I want a daughter to be a nun.

#35 Posted by Dogswithguns (10782 posts) -

I wanted to have kids, so I got 2 kids.. dreams came true.

#36 Posted by Horgen (110151 posts) -

@cameroncr95 said:

I was never "Ready" and still am not.

I do however, have a child which I have miraculously been able to keep secret from my family. The mother has him with her down in F-L Florida.

How it happened was a funny story. When I was 16 I was a virgin and my friend dared me to have sex with his 17 year old sister, which she wanted too. Long story short, she got pregnant. Am I bad luck brian? Maybe. Who knows.

My first time and I get someone knocked up. Anyways, my son is now 3 :P.

Wow. How is your friend taking that? And well his sister?