Many people laugh, or even feel nauseated when thinking about drinking badger's milk. This, however, is a naive perspective. Badger's milk is actually very beneficial to humans. Some of the benefits of badger's milk include: Immortality, unlimited power, irreversible 1337ness, it cures all known diseases and afflictions, causing euphoria and hallucinations that many have referred to as being "mind expanding". A lot of underground scientists (mostly part of the Super Awesome Religious Practice of Badger's Milk) believe that is may have hundreds of yet undiscovered potential. I'm sure you're asking yourself, why does badger's milk yield such amazing powers? Well, it all has to do with the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Cold War in general.
Back in 1962, when the cold war was raging on, Fidel Castro agreed to allow the Soviet Union to put many of their nuclear warheads in Cuba, where they could easily strike the major cities found on the eastern coast of the United States. Well, Kennedy and his staff obviously had to deal with this, but while they negotiated with Russia and Cuba, behind closed doors they were actually developing something that would ensure victory if war were to break out... something far more powerful than all the nuclear bombs of the world combined! President Kennedy was introduced to this project on October 16, 1962 by head scientist, Joel Standon. I happen to have a very rare copy of Joel's personal journal, in which he documents his entire experience with "Project Badger". Here are a few passages that may clear a few things up.
October 16, 1962: I stood in the gloomy hallway, waiting anxiously for the arrival of President Kennedy. I found my palms sweated rather profusely, and I was forced to constantly wipe them on my pants. I found it strange I was so very nervous about meeting the president, I didn't even vote for the man, after all. After what seemed like an hour, President Kennedy, along side perhaps a dozen body guards, entered the hallway from a single door at the end, causing a rather eerie echo to break the silence. I approached the president, my heart beating an iota faster than usual. "Mr. President... hello". He gave me a rather forced smile. "Hello there, uh, Mr. Standon. I hear you and your team, have, uh, made great strides in a new weapon here, you've done great work." The compliment made me feel a bit more relaxed. "Yes sir, well, it's not a weapon, per say, but, it certainly has the potential to win any war." Kennedy's facade of a smile changed into curiosity. "Not a weapon? I, uh, don't understand." I began to feel anxious once more. "Well, it's a little hard to explain, it's best if I show you, sir... Mr. President.... sir". I headed for the main lab, and Kennedy, clearly amused at my nervousness, followed.
We entered the main lab, and almost immediately Kennedy expressed his surprise. "Is this some sort of, uh, joke?" In the center of the lab was a small, almost Frankenstein-esque table, where bound by irons was, instead of a large green monster, a small, normal looking badger. Despite my nerves, I defended my work. "This is no joke, Mr. President. The fate of the world now lies with this badger." President Kennedy showed no effort to conceal his utter confusion. "And how in the hell is that possible?" I withdrew a 9mm handgun from my coat, "observe if you will, Mr. President." I pointed the gun towards the badger and fired one bullet which hit him right in his left eye, causing a large hole in his skull to manifest and spilled his brains and blood all over the laboratory floor. "Alright, you now, uh, have a dead badger. What's so-", but before the president could finish his sentence, it become clear what I wanted him to see. The brain of the badger began to grow back, followed by it's skull, then fur. After less than ten seconds, the badger was once again in perfect health. "My God" the president said in awe. "Yes" I said, "we're all very excited". "But, uh, how, how is this possible?" I stepped over the pool of blood on the floor and handed the president my full report on the subject. "We have isolated the substance in the badger that causes this phenomena. It's it's milk." The president nearly dropped my report in shock. "Milk?" The president skimmed over the reports. "This is, uh, madness!" I smiled to myself. "Madness indeed. But we believe we can use badgers milk to make our soldiers completely invisible!" Kennedy smiled with ecstasy. "We... we would be unstoppable!" The president stared into the void, clearly in deep thought. I cleared my throat, which seemed to snap him back into reality. "Well" I said "what are your orders for the project?". The president thought for a moment. He then turned to Johnson. "Get Khrushchev on the phone, tell him I, uh, want to fight him to the death!" He then turned to me, "inject me with all the badger's milk you have!"
I stared at the president, not sure I had heard correctly. "Mr. President... you want me to inject you with badger's milk so you can beat Khrushchev in a fight to the death?" The president began to unbutton his shirt, which soon lay on the floor. "That's right, there's only one way to win the, uh, Cold War. And this is it!" He then proceeded to take off his pants so he stood there in his underpants. "Sir, I strongly advise against this... we aren't sure about possible side effects of badger's milk... or how long the effects last-" Kennedy waved away my concerns. "You aren't, uh, on my pay roll to think Mr. Standon, you're on my pay roll to, uh, inject me with badger's milk. Now get syringing or I'll, uh, fire you!" I knew this would be a mistake from the beginning, but what could I have done? I couldn't disobey the president. I got a syringe full of badger's milk and injected it into President Kennedy's arm. Kennedy stretched his arm a little. "How do you feel, sir?" I asked. Kennedy's face suddenly became blank, his pupils became dilated. "Wow... the colors!" Kennedy said in awe. "What colors?" I asked, becoming rather concerned. "Like, the, uh, colors man. How can you not see them, they're all over your face!" I suddenly realized what was happening. President Kennedy was his tripping balls off due to the badger's milk. I asked his staff to grab a hold of him and try to calm him down. The president remained in a sitting position for several hours, commenting on the colorful patterns of the lab. After seven hours, he began to come down. I reminded him of the fight with Khrushchev, but he simply shook his head. "No man, I've, uh, seen the light, you know? Violence never solves anything man, I'd rather have my inner peace." Johnson, who had returned, grabbed a hold of his shoulder. "Mr. President, please, we need you to fight Khruschev, to save the world!" Kennedy, however, was unmoved. He refused to fight. "Well, damn" I said to his staff, "who will fight Khruschev now?"
I filled another syringe with badger's milk as Bobby Kennedy got into a jump suit. "I don't see why I, uh, have to take my brother's place" he said angrily. I ignored his objections. "Alright Bobby" I said "let's go up to the arena... after I inject you, things will get a little... groovy, so you'll have to focus with all your might to kill Khrushchev, okay?" Bobby slipped on his gloves "Yes yes, I, uh, understand." We headed up to the arena, where Khruschev stood. He glared at Kennedy. "You're going down you mink wearing son of a *****!" yelled Kennedy, pointing his index finger at Khruschev in a taunting gesture. Khruschev simply continued to stare at Kennedy with blind hatred. "Alright" I said to Bobby, "are you ready?" Kennedy nodded, and I injected him with the milk, and the bell that signaled the start of the match rang out. "Good luck" I said, patting his back.
At once, Kennedy pulled out a switch blade and ran towards Khruschev, yelling insanely. Khruschev pulled out a hatchet and blocked the blow. Kennedy continued his attempts to stab Khruschev, all of which were blocked. But quite suddenly, he stopped, and began to stare off into space. "Woa" said Kennedy "I can, like, see the air". "God damnit" I whispered under my breath, then yelled to Kennedy "kill him, Bobby, kill him!" Bobby paid no attention to me. Khruschev brought the hatchet down onto Kennedy's head. A loud crack echoed throughout the arena, and Kennedy fell instantly to the floor. Khruschev held up his arms victoriously. Kennedy, however, got up from his would be death position, his head wound completely healed. Khruschev stared at him with a mix of awe and horror. "Hey, man, don't be like that, you're giving me bad vibes!" Kennedy yelled at Khruschev. Kennedy started breathing very heavily. "Oh no!" I said "he's going into a bad trip!" Kennedy began to walk backwards, yelling at unseen monsters. Khruschev looked utterly terrified at this point. "Kennedy, it's okay, it's just the milk!" I yelled, to no effect. Kennedy's eyes suddenly locked onto Khruschev, and began to drool. Kennedy brandished his knife and ran towards Khruschev. "Kill the purple yeti!" he yelled wildly, and stabbed Khruschev several times in the chest, who fell to the ground, dead. Everyone in the arena stood, silent. "Okay, he's dead, get a hold of Kennedy!" I yelled.
After Bobby came down and we cleared out Khrushchev's body, President Kennedy entered the arena, dressed in a nice black and white suit. He addressed his brother. "Bobby, how, uh, are you doing?" Bobby put up his hands and formed a triangle around President Kennedy's head with his fingers. "I've, like, never been better, man". "Don't worry" responded his brother "that, uh, effect wears off soon enough, unfortunately the, uh, immortality goes with it." I stood there, in shock of the events that had recently transpired. "I just can't believe any of this. We killed Khruschev, the cold war's over!" "Well, actually" responded the president "Russia as already, uh, found a replacement who looks just like Khruschev, and uh, happens to have the same name." I frowned. "Huh" I responded dully. "Well" I continued "at least there appears to be no adverse effects of the badger's milk, besides... tripping balls and all." President Kennedy smiled blindly. "I, uh, wouldn't exactly call that an adverse effect" and he moved closer to me when suddenly, I felt a tug in my coat, and the magazine from my 9mm flew out and stuck to President Kennedy's body. "Huh" I said fascinated, "it seems the badger's milk causes a permanent, almost magnet like attraction to bullets." Kennedy, with some effort, took the magazine off his body and handed them back to me. "Oh well" he said "I'm sure it, uh, won't put us in any kind of danger."
End of Joel's journal entry.
So there you have it, badger's milk has the potential to make us both immortal and also will allow us to expand our minds. So, I ask all of you to, please, write to your congressmen asking them to legalize badger's milk. I mean, it would still be legal today if all the hippies in the 60's didn't abuse it so much. So come on guys, lets get it legalized so we can gain 1337ness!
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