Texas makes male masturbation illegal

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#1 Edited by br0kenrabbit (12926 posts) -

So upon reading the news today about the abortion bill in Texas being overturned, I came across this little tidbit:

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Story

The legislature was able to accomplish another aspect of their pro-life agenda though, a ban on male masturbation.

The new measure will go into effect on January 1, 2014 which will make many forms of male masturbation illegal. Exceptions include sperm donations, which now must only be performed at a designated hospital facility.

Those found in violation of the new law could be sentenced up to two years in prison.

Legislators were hopeful they would be able to have time to pass another bill which would have nullified Obamacare, the federal legislation in which many are decrying as government getting in between people and their doctor and making healthcare decisions for people.

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Ahhh...you silly little neo-cons. It'd be cute if it wasn't so infuriating.

#2 Edited by Brain_Duster (403 posts) -

I'm sure they can enforce this.

#3 Edited by Makhaidos (1613 posts) -

Individual liberties and all that. Though I'm pretty sure tribuneherald.net is like a much cleverer version of the Onion.

#4 Edited by thebest31406 (3360 posts) -

What?! Why?! What is the political incentive for enacting shit like this?

#5 Posted by squitsquat (1990 posts) -

we should all fap in protest

#7 Posted by LordRork (2690 posts) -

I'm getting this amusing picture of Policemen knocking down a door and shouting "Hands where we can see them!"

It's tagged with 'Satire' and the e-mail is a gmail address...

Seems legit.

#8 Edited by br0kenrabbit (12926 posts) -

Individual liberties and all that. Though I'm pretty sure tribuneherald.net is like a much cleverer version of the Onion.

I hope you're right, I've never heard of The Tribune Herald so I dunno.

#10 Edited by GazaAli (22681 posts) -

What If I told you that masturbation isn't illegal in Gaza rofl

Gaza 1-Texas 0

#11 Edited by ad1x2 (5562 posts) -
#12 Edited by br0kenrabbit (12926 posts) -
#13 Posted by johnd13 (8074 posts) -

What about female masturbation?

#14 Posted by Aljosa23 (24843 posts) -

LOL the American Taliban strike again!

#15 Edited by deeliman (2422 posts) -

All behold the party of small government!

#16 Edited by Pirate700 (46465 posts) -
#17 Posted by konvikt_17 (22219 posts) -

Ha! in jail:

So what are you in for?

I KILLED A MAN!!!!

What about you?

oh um, i was masturbating in my room...

#18 Posted by MakeMeaSammitch (3817 posts) -

@deeliman: It doesn't count if it has to do with your sex life.

#19 Edited by ad1x2 (5562 posts) -

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

#20 Posted by Aljosa23 (24843 posts) -
@deeliman said:

All behold the party of small government!

Haha they stopped being that a looooooong time ago. Now they're big government (except for the rich) that loves entering into people's bedrooms. The modern GOP is cancer and I wouldn't blink an eye if the whole party just imploded.

#21 Posted by konvikt_17 (22219 posts) -

@ad1x2 said:

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

dont they die anyways if you dont eject them?

#22 Posted by Aljosa23 (24843 posts) -

@ad1x2 said:

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

dont they die anyways if you dont eject them?

Yeah dead sperm are ejaculated through wet dreams.

#23 Edited by johnd13 (8074 posts) -

@konvikt_17 said:

@ad1x2 said:

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

dont they die anyways if you dont eject them?

What does that make wet dreams? An unfortunate accident? lol

edit: nvm aljosa answered this

#24 Posted by deeliman (2422 posts) -

@Aljosa23 said:

@konvikt_17 said:

@ad1x2 said:

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

dont they die anyways if you dont eject them?

Yeah dead sperm are ejaculated through wet dreams.

I wonder why I never have wet dreams.

#25 Posted by chrisrooR (9026 posts) -

What an idiotic law

#26 Posted by wis3boi (31290 posts) -
#27 Posted by ad1x2 (5562 posts) -

@ad1x2 said:

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

dont they die anyways if you dont eject them?

Who says a satire story has to make perfect sense? It only has to avoid being so outrageous that anybody smarter than Forrest Gump would know it is bogus upon first glance.

#28 Edited by Jd1680a (5932 posts) -

One Texas lawmaker joyously announced after the passing of the measure, “this marks a milestone for the pro-life movement! We must protect the unborn any way we can; I’m very proud that my fellow legislators voted to protect life, even in its earliest stages!”

Unconstitutional. Texas have no right to get into someone's private business.

#29 Edited by foxhound_fox (88053 posts) -

#30 Edited by Allicrombie (25195 posts) -

they should have some kind of death squad that patrols the streets of Houston, looking for violators. =P

#31 Posted by deeliman (2422 posts) -

they should have some kind of death squad that patrols the streets of Houston, looking for violators.

They already have the NSA.

#32 Posted by toast_burner (21508 posts) -

What?! Why?! What is the political incentive for enacting shit like this?

They're pro-lifers, what do you expect?

#33 Edited by s_h_a_d_o (1292 posts) -

@br0kenrabbit said:

_____________________________________________________

Story

The legislature was able to accomplish... a ban on male masturbation.

Isn't that somewhat sexist? :|

Sweden is a little more liberal apparently (as discussed here by Wil Anderson and Dan Ilic - language may offend).

Perhaps the Texas Legislature might want to consider importing a school or two of Pacu.

#34 Edited by TacticalDesire (10713 posts) -

I feel like not enough on OT realize that this is a completely satirical article.

#35 Edited by PannicAtack (21021 posts) -

ITT: People still think The Onion is a real news source.

#36 Posted by Person0 (2944 posts) -


"Tribune Herald is for satirical purposes only."

Texas republicans are crazy but not that crazy.

#37 Edited by lamprey263 (23512 posts) -

this could be interesting...

"Today tens-of-thousands of people staged a protest at the state capital and openly masturbated in protest of the states law that outlaws masturbation More at 11."

Anyhow, I think it's safe to assume that Republicans are 110% responsible for this, in case they try to spread blame to the "state legislature".

Title really needs to read "Texas Republicans make male masturbation illegal".

#38 Edited by dave123321 (33982 posts) -

Tc is a guiilible bugger

#39 Edited by Jd1680a (5932 posts) -

Does Texas have a stellar child welfare program? What are the pro lifers plan when people have unwanted births?

#40 Posted by Fightingfan (38011 posts) -

@ad1x2 said:

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

Sex is still genocide as only one sperm survives.

#41 Edited by Nibroc420 (13567 posts) -

Tc is a guiilible bugger

Seems most of the posters in this thread are...

#42 Posted by Serraph105 (27944 posts) -

Well at least they are going after men for a change.

#43 Posted by the_bi99man (11047 posts) -

For everyone in this thread who's just as gullible (stupid) as TC, I'll be like the 5th person to repeat: It's a joke. The site is satire news, akin to the Onion.

#44 Edited by TacticalDesire (10713 posts) -

ITT: People still think The Onion is a real news source.

The story isn't in The Onion...

#45 Edited by the_bi99man (11047 posts) -

@TacticalDesire said:

@PannicAtack said:

ITT: People still think The Onion is a real news source.

The story isn't in The Onion...

It's from another site that is also explicitly satire. Says so right on the webpage. The Onion isn't the only "news source" that publishes fake articles, strictly for the purpose of comedic entertainment. The Tribune Herald is one of many others. They don't even try to hide it.

#46 Posted by hippiesanta (9838 posts) -

so now masturbation are like marijuana by law ... lol

#47 Posted by 4myAmuzumament (1749 posts) -

solution: all Texas men should protest by masturbating on one single night and then calling the police immediately after finishing to turn themselves in. the prisons will be overrun and the law will be overturned.

#48 Posted by mystic_knight (13801 posts) -

Hahaha Gold. I have to admit the reaction is more enjoyable than the article itself.

they should have some kind of death squad that patrols the streets of Houston, looking for violators. =P

You looking for a job opening ?

#49 Posted by Dogswithguns (10737 posts) -

So, I can't touch myself no more?.. oh, that song I remember.

#50 Posted by tenaka2 (17032 posts) -

Land of the free :P