Tell some jokes!

I will start!

1. So pete has just moved into a new town and his new neighbor comes in to welcome him. While telling pete about the town, he makes sure to inform him of the two most important tenets of the town.



One is that they have a snake named nate as a townmascot, so he should never kill a snake, lest he be jailed for life.



the other is that in town hall there is a large red lever that if pulled will destroy the whole town, so he should never pull it.



Later, pete is driving around town, when a snake suddenly slides into the road. To avoid hitting it, he swerves into the town hall, hits the lever, and kills them all.



The moral? Better nate than lever.

2. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?



"where's my tractor?"

3. A guy comes home from work one day to find his girlfriend packing.

"Honey, what are you doing? Are you leaving me?"

"I can't be with you anymore. You're a pedophile!"

"My...that's a big word for a eight year old."

4. Notre Dame needed a new bell ringer. They auditioned many candidates until they got to this hunchbacked, deaf, mute man. They were about to dismiss him when he got up, ran full steam, face first into the bell and produced a perfect tone. He proceeded to ram his face into it repeatedly into the bell with near perfection - perfect tone, and perfect rhythm. They were amazed by this deaf mute hunchback and hired him on the spot.



For many years had no problems, he always was on time, never missed a beat. Unfortunately, one day he slipped while ringing the bells and fell to his death. The police showed up to investigate and asked the clergy some questions, including what was the hunchback's name. No one seemed to know, so someone replied "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."

5. What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

WATAAAAA!

Saint Peter had been told that space in paradise were being rather tight, so he was only allowed to let in people who had suffered horrible and painfull deaths.

One day, 3 men walked up to the gate to paradise. He asked the first one how he got himself killed.

"Well you see, i work at a nighttime job and i live in an apartment on the 2nd floor, and this morning when i came home, i found my wife lying naked in the bed. I immediatly suspected her of having an affair with someone and started looking around, but i couldn't seem to find him anywhere, not under the bed, in the closet, or in the bathroom. Finally i find the idiot hanging from the reeling of the balcony by his fingers, i get a hammer and start banging on his fingers untill he falls down and lands in a bush, however he survives it. Furious from anger, i throw the fridge down in his face and dies from a heartattack in the process."

"Well that was terrible!" Saint Peter thought, and let him pass. Then the 2nd man came up to him

"So, how did you get yourself killed?"

"Well you see, i live in an apartment on the 3rd floor, and each early morning i do gymnastics on the balcony. However in the middel of a jumpingjack i fall out from the balcony, and barely manages to get hold of reeling of a balcony on the 2nd floor, desperately hanging a maniac comes out with a hammer and starts hitting my fingers and doesn't stop untill i let go and fall 2 stories down, but fortuneatly a bush broke the fall. But apparently that wasn't enough for the maniac as he gets a fridge and throws it in my face"

"Well that was certainly horrible!" Saint Peter thought, while pondering about the other mans story earlier.

The 3rd man came up...

"So, how did you manage to get yourself killed?"

"Well... this might sound a bit crazy, but imagine this: Im sitting naked and hiding in a fridge..."

What do you call a man with no shins? tony.gamedude2020

A guy comes home from work one day to find his girlfriend packing.

"Honey, what are you doing? Are you leaving me?"

"I can't be with you anymore. You're a pedophile!"

"My...that's a big word for a eight year old."Film-Guy

Ha! That's awesome! I gotta remember that.

Here is another:D

A shampoo salesman speeds along the road and hits a rabbit.



The The shampoo sales man decides to make ammends to the dead rabbit by washing it up with some of his product before speeding away again.



The next day, the shampoo salesman speeds along the same road and sees the rabbit standing by the side of the waving at him.



The same happens for the next week untill the guy stops and examins the rabbit. The rabbit is still waving.



The empty bottle next to the rabbit reads "Permanent wave conditioner for limp hair."

A wolfman, a football player, and a rabbi went to a bar.

Unfortunately, the bar caught on fire and they all died. :(

[spoiler] :P [/spoiler]

Jew walks into a bar....

buys the place.

Heres some

1: What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started

2: A ****oom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the ****"In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor – the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body.

For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow's hindquarters, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just stand there, paralyzed at what they see. "Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you," the professor says.

Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson. "Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow's butt, and I sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention."

3:

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a b****."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b****?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her hand.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b****."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her breast.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" and he takes off her clothes.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" and he sticks his you know what into her you know where.

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest, after a few minutes: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A B***!!!"

1.A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

2. A Guy is in a bar and is getting drunk. After a few drinks, the man slurs "Where's the bathroom?" Without looking up the bar maid pointed over toward the mens room. After a few minutes of silence the man starts yelling for help. Wondering what was wrong, the bar maid ran over to see if the man was okay. "What's wrong with your toilet?" the man, obviously in pain. "Every time I flush, my balls get squeezed!" Laughing and shaking her head, the bar maid replied, "You dumbass, your on the mop bucket."

A husband and wife were golfing when the woman asked,

"Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The man said, "No dear, of course not."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Well, okay, I probably would."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Yes, I guess so."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading....

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!