"Smothering my girlfriend"

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#1 Posted by oddone12 (405 posts) -

So I'm asking this here because someone might have some advice.

Been dating my gf for a year now. We've had our ups and downs. But tonight she says I'm smothering her, and she feels like she can't be the GF in the relationship. Yet I feel like she won't let me be the BF. She controls a lot of things, which makes me kind of... insecure, and I guess I act too needy.

My question is... how can I be more of an *** without really being mean. I want to kind of seem more independant and in control, without being a jerk. So she feels like I'm in control.

Thanks for any help guys.

#2 Posted by cheese_game619 (13316 posts) -

Arrogance.

#3 Posted by JJ4545 (3015 posts) -

So I'm asking this here because someone might have some advice.

Been dating my gf for a year now. We've had our ups and downs. But tonight she says I'm smothering her, and she feels like she can't be the GF in the relationship. Yet I feel like she won't let me be the BF. She controls a lot of things, which makes me kind of... insecure, and I guess I act too needy.

My question is... how can I be more of an *** without really being mean. I want to kind of seem more independant and in control, without being a jerk. So she feels like I'm in control.

Thanks for any help guys.

oddone12

I know this isn't what you want to hear at the moment, but talk to her - it helps more than you'd think.

And also, I don't really understand your problem.

#4 Posted by MasterKingMP (1738 posts) -
Break up with her.
#5 Posted by _Weegee_ (12 posts) -
I'm not sure what you're independant about, but if you shouldn't be, then do what needs to be done in order to not independant, so as not to annoy her.
#6 Posted by jazznate (1202 posts) -
Just give her space, she'll call you soon enough after not calling her for a couple days.
#7 Posted by VanHelsingBoA64 (5455 posts) -
Smothered?
#8 Posted by Ghost_702 (7405 posts) -
When she tells you to do something tell her to **** off. JK, so you sound like she's in control and you're not. Just start taking control, it's that simple. Take for example you go to pick her up. You driving around and she says she's hungry. She says she wants Del Taco so YOU (being the man and being in control) instead drive to Taco Bell. You know what I'm sayin'?
#9 Posted by ReaperZA (1511 posts) -

So I'm asking this here because someone might have some advice.

Been dating my gf for a year now. We've had our ups and downs. But tonight she says I'm smothering her, and she feels like she can't be the GF in the relationship. Yet I feel like she won't let me be the BF. She controls a lot of things, which makes me kind of... insecure, and I guess I act too needy.

My question is... how can I be more of an *** without really being mean. I want to kind of seem more independant and in control, without being a jerk. So she feels like I'm in control.

Thanks for any help guys.

oddone12

Tough one, I think it would be best if you could realise that even if this chick dumps you, and Im not saying it is going to happen but even if it did, life would not end. You are your own person, she loves you for who you are and if you loose sight of yourself and solely focus all your attention and energy on her you will actually drain her and make thigns difficult. Be a man, be your own person, don't rely on her to have a good time but include her in the thigns you love to do also so she feels more like a part of your life and less like she has to run your life... Taking care of your own problems is difficult enough on your own, having someone who cant do anything on their own is a nightmare... Im not saying dont go talk to her when you're in trouble or down, Im just saying try to keep a healthy seperation between your life and hers. Afterall you are two different people who want to share time together, not two people sharing one existance! :) Good luck mate!

#10 Posted by famicommander (8524 posts) -
*insert meme here/
#11 Posted by VanHelsingBoA64 (5455 posts) -

*insert meme here/famicommander

Bros before ***s?

#12 Posted by oddone12 (405 posts) -

Its really not so simple..

Without boring anyone...

I was in Iraq, and I came home on leave. We met each other then and we corresponded througout my deployment. When I came home things were great you know. We hung out, were in love and what not. And then we had sex, and I took her virginity.

She blames me for taking her virginity. Saying she was dumb and she should have said no. Now we don't tocuh, nothing sexual for 8 months. Only kiss. She doesn't want to go back to being the old girl she was. She says she will never be the innocent girl that she once was.

A few months down the road she wanted to stop having sex and wait until we got married. Well after that she became a different girl. She withdrew from me and acted very... selfish. Only really careing about school and money. And I talked to her about it tonight. I told her I was going to leave if she didn't start acting like she cared about the relationship more. It's been a year and for the last 8 months I get 1 call a day, hang out once a week. I never get an I love you.

So I'm like... I want to leave, its just hard. Because I love her, but I don't love how she's treating me. I dont like how she avoids me. So my last option is reverse psychology. I want to use this last ditch effort and turn the tables. If I leave, I don't want it to be out of anger, I want to try and fix this if it can be fixed. If she wants to feel like "The GF in the relationship" then I figure I should be more arrogant and not call as much, cancle dates - but without being too direct.

I want to make it seemless, without her knowing I'm doing it on purpose. Which is where I hope some of you could come in and give me some pointers.

#13 Posted by oddone12 (405 posts) -
[QUOTE="oddone12"]

So I'm asking this here because someone might have some advice.

Been dating my gf for a year now. We've had our ups and downs. But tonight she says I'm smothering her, and she feels like she can't be the GF in the relationship. Yet I feel like she won't let me be the BF. She controls a lot of things, which makes me kind of... insecure, and I guess I act too needy.

My question is... how can I be more of an *** without really being mean. I want to kind of seem more independant and in control, without being a jerk. So she feels like I'm in control.

Thanks for any help guys.

ReaperZA

Tough one, I think it would be best if you could realise that even if this chick dumps you, and Im not saying it is going to happen but even if it did, life would not end. You are your own person, she loves you for who you are and if you loose sight of yourself and solely focus all your attention and energy on her you will actually drain her and make thigns difficult. Be a man, be your own person, don't rely on her to have a good time but include her in the thigns you love to do also so she feels more like a part of your life and less like she has to run your life... Taking care of your own problems is difficult enough on your own, having someone who cant do anything on their own is a nightmare... Im not saying dont go talk to her when you're in trouble or down, Im just saying try to keep a healthy seperation between your life and hers. Afterall you are two different people who want to share time together, not two people sharing one existance! :) Good luck mate!

That's some great insight. I agree so much with what you're saying. I've attatched myself to her too much. I need to back off I guess.

#14 Posted by Ghost_702 (7405 posts) -

Its really not so simple..

Without boring anyone...

I was in Iraq, and I came home on leave. We met each other then and we corresponded througout my deployment. When I came home things were great you know. We hung out, were in love and what not. And then we had sex, and I took her virginity.

She blames me for taking her virginity. Saying she was dumb and she should have said no. Now we don't tocuh, nothing sexual for 8 months. Only kiss. She doesn't want to go back to being the old girl she was. She says she will never be the innocent girl that she once was.

A few months down the road she wanted to stop having sex and wait until we got married. Well after that she became a different girl. She withdrew from me and acted very... selfish. Only really careing about school and money. And I talked to her about it tonight. I told her I was going to leave if she didn't start acting like she cared about the relationship more. It's been a year and for the last 8 months I get 1 call a day, hang out once a week. I never get an I love you.

So I'm like... I want to leave, its just hard. Because I love her, but I don't love how she's treating me. I dont like how she avoids me. So my last option is reverse psychology. I want to use this last ditch effort and turn the tables. If I leave, I don't want it to be out of anger, I want to try and fix this if it can be fixed. If she wants to feel like "The GF in the relationship" then I figure I should be more arrogant and not call as much, cancle dates - but without being too direct.

I want to make it seemless, without her knowing I'm doing it on purpose. Which is where I hope some of you could come in and give me some pointers.

oddone12

Well in all honestly, considering of course that she was a virgin to begin with, you did take her virginity.

#15 Posted by ReaperZA (1511 posts) -
[QUOTE="ReaperZA"][QUOTE="oddone12"]

So I'm asking this here because someone might have some advice.

Been dating my gf for a year now. We've had our ups and downs. But tonight she says I'm smothering her, and she feels like she can't be the GF in the relationship. Yet I feel like she won't let me be the BF. She controls a lot of things, which makes me kind of... insecure, and I guess I act too needy.

My question is... how can I be more of an *** without really being mean. I want to kind of seem more independant and in control, without being a jerk. So she feels like I'm in control.

Thanks for any help guys.

oddone12

Tough one, I think it would be best if you could realise that even if this chick dumps you, and Im not saying it is going to happen but even if it did, life would not end. You are your own person, she loves you for who you are and if you loose sight of yourself and solely focus all your attention and energy on her you will actually drain her and make thigns difficult. Be a man, be your own person, don't rely on her to have a good time but include her in the thigns you love to do also so she feels more like a part of your life and less like she has to run your life... Taking care of your own problems is difficult enough on your own, having someone who cant do anything on their own is a nightmare... Im not saying dont go talk to her when you're in trouble or down, Im just saying try to keep a healthy seperation between your life and hers. Afterall you are two different people who want to share time together, not two people sharing one existance! :) Good luck mate!

That's some great insight. I agree so much with what you're saying. I've attatched myself to her too much. I need to back off I guess.

Yeah I had a similar experience so I could relate with you. Try hang out with friends as well, you can even include her if she wants to come with ask your friends for their advice too, love is a complicated thing and no1 is an expert. It sounds like you two have been trough a lot, just hang in there and try to be level heded about things, not too emotional if you can and see what happens. Sometimes all we need is patince and space, coming back from Iraq might be a big adjustment for her and she needs a bit of time for herself too, but as I say Im no expert. PM if u need help and talk to your friends too! :)

#16 Posted by xSIZEMATTER (7045 posts) -

Be a man. :|

men>>>>>>boys

#17 Posted by linkin_guy109 (8864 posts) -

Smothered?VanHelsingBoA64

love spineshank :) great song by them

#18 Posted by JJ4545 (3015 posts) -

Its really not so simple..

Without boring anyone...

I was in Iraq, and I came home on leave. We met each other then and we corresponded througout my deployment. When I came home things were great you know. We hung out, were in love and what not. And then we had sex, and I took her virginity.

She blames me for taking her virginity. Saying she was dumb and she should have said no. Now we don't tocuh, nothing sexual for 8 months. Only kiss. She doesn't want to go back to being the old girl she was. She says she will never be the innocent girl that she once was.

A few months down the road she wanted to stop having sex and wait until we got married. Well after that she became a different girl. She withdrew from me and acted very... selfish. Only really careing about school and money. And I talked to her about it tonight. I told her I was going to leave if she didn't start acting like she cared about the relationship more. It's been a year and for the last 8 months I get 1 call a day, hang out once a week. I never get an I love you.

So I'm like... I want to leave, its just hard. Because I love her, but I don't love how she's treating me. I dont like how she avoids me. So my last option is reverse psychology. I want to use this last ditch effort and turn the tables. If I leave, I don't want it to be out of anger, I want to try and fix this if it can be fixed. If she wants to feel like "The GF in the relationship" then I figure I should be more arrogant and not call as much, cancle dates - but without being too direct.

I want to make it seemless, without her knowing I'm doing it on purpose. Which is where I hope some of you could come in and give me some pointers.

oddone12

You are far too nice for her.

#19 Posted by ReaperZA (1511 posts) -
[QUOTE="oddone12"]

Its really not so simple..

Without boring anyone...

I was in Iraq, and I came home on leave. We met each other then and we corresponded througout my deployment. When I came home things were great you know. We hung out, were in love and what not. And then we had sex, and I took her virginity.

She blames me for taking her virginity. Saying she was dumb and she should have said no. Now we don't tocuh, nothing sexual for 8 months. Only kiss. She doesn't want to go back to being the old girl she was. She says she will never be the innocent girl that she once was.

A few months down the road she wanted to stop having sex and wait until we got married. Well after that she became a different girl. She withdrew from me and acted very... selfish. Only really careing about school and money. And I talked to her about it tonight. I told her I was going to leave if she didn't start acting like she cared about the relationship more. It's been a year and for the last 8 months I get 1 call a day, hang out once a week. I never get an I love you.

So I'm like... I want to leave, its just hard. Because I love her, but I don't love how she's treating me. I dont like how she avoids me. So my last option is reverse psychology. I want to use this last ditch effort and turn the tables. If I leave, I don't want it to be out of anger, I want to try and fix this if it can be fixed. If she wants to feel like "The GF in the relationship" then I figure I should be more arrogant and not call as much, cancle dates - but without being too direct.

I want to make it seemless, without her knowing I'm doing it on purpose. Which is where I hope some of you could come in and give me some pointers.

JJ4545

You are far too nice for her.

Chicks dont seem to want "nice" men, I used to be that way and got walked over, now that I'm more independant and couldnt really give a stuff if I have a Gf or not I seem to get more attention. My exs left me for "tough guys" so I became one! :P Although now I really dont want one... irony!

#20 Posted by quadraleap (36517 posts) -

Controlling, selfish and emotionally absent, etc....there is a slim shot she could have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Either that or the chemistry is just not right. Dont be accomodating and go your own way and see if she changes her tune. You dont want to marry someone that obviously doesnt put much effort into the relationship, unless you like that type of situation.

#21 Posted by gorilazandgames (7937 posts) -
"teach her who's boss"
#22 Posted by tofu-lion91 (13481 posts) -

Arrogance.

cheese_game619

No definately not this. Go out with your friends more and see her less. It shows your independent and will make her crave to see you. If you go out more without her it'll make the time spent with her amazing.

#23 Posted by freshgman (12241 posts) -
dont see each other or call everday. Make it every 4 days or something
#24 Posted by tofu-lion91 (13481 posts) -

Its really not so simple..

Without boring anyone...

I was in Iraq, and I came home on leave. We met each other then and we corresponded througout my deployment. When I came home things were great you know. We hung out, were in love and what not. And then we had sex, and I took her virginity.

She blames me for taking her virginity. Saying she was dumb and she should have said no. Now we don't tocuh, nothing sexual for 8 months. Only kiss. She doesn't want to go back to being the old girl she was. She says she will never be the innocent girl that she once was.

A few months down the road she wanted to stop having sex and wait until we got married. Well after that she became a different girl. She withdrew from me and acted very... selfish. Only really careing about school and money. And I talked to her about it tonight. I told her I was going to leave if she didn't start acting like she cared about the relationship more. It's been a year and for the last 8 months I get 1 call a day, hang out once a week. I never get an I love you.

So I'm like... I want to leave, its just hard. Because I love her, but I don't love how she's treating me. I dont like how she avoids me. So my last option is reverse psychology. I want to use this last ditch effort and turn the tables. If I leave, I don't want it to be out of anger, I want to try and fix this if it can be fixed. If she wants to feel like "The GF in the relationship" then I figure I should be more arrogant and not call as much, cancle dates - but without being too direct.

I want to make it seemless, without her knowing I'm doing it on purpose. Which is where I hope some of you could come in and give me some pointers.

oddone12

Ok after reading this she sounds ridiculous. Blaming you for taking her virginity? That's kinda selfish man and I wouldn't put up with that. It was her decision after all and if she thinks she made the wrong one then it's immature to blame other people for it, especially you.

And 8 months?! Wow you must be pretty tough :o Due to erm injuries me and my boyfriend haven't been able to do anything for a week now and I'm getting so impatient. Sex keeps couples going :) It should be an act of love between you to, a connection. It sounds to me like you to are drifting apart...

I'd have a long talk with her. Say what's up otherwise it'll be too late. I've had this in the past where I never told my bf what was wrong and eventually broke up with them because I saw no other way out. Try and work through the issues and if it doesn't work out, there's plenty more fish in the sea

#25 Posted by oddone12 (405 posts) -
Thanks for the help guys. Unfortunatly, we ended it this morning. She said she could never be the old her, and I either had to put up with it or leave - so I left. It hurts, pretty bad. But Im strong. I can deal.
#26 Posted by Clone_Dad (1206 posts) -
use "the funnel"
#27 Posted by N8A (18602 posts) -
stop letting her control you
#28 Posted by oddone12 (405 posts) -

stop letting her control youN8A

I did. I left.

#29 Posted by kozzy1234 (35279 posts) -

Move on to the next girl my man, sounds like she lost a good guy and she will probably regret it later.

There are tons of women out there that will appreciate a good guy.

Some girls like nice guys, some like bad guys, just gotta keep trying man, dont let thsi get you down.

#30 Posted by D3nnyCrane (12033 posts) -

*insert meme here/famicommander

Will this do?

#31 Posted by esb1118 (2661 posts) -
She sounds like a psycho.
#32 Posted by BlackAlpha666 (2614 posts) -
The solution that works for all girl problems. Touch her shoulder.
#33 Posted by oddone12 (405 posts) -

She sounds like a psycho. esb1118

Hardcore Catholic.

Does the rosery prayer everynight - church every day.

Rosery prayer means saying the same verse 21 times over and over. Which lasts about 40 minutes.

I'm not relgious, which was a big clash. I believe in God, but I'm not religious.

#34 Posted by esb1118 (2661 posts) -

[QUOTE="esb1118"]She sounds like a psycho. oddone12

Hardcore Catholic.

Does the rosery prayer everynight - church every day.

Rosery prayer means saying the same verse 21 times over and over. Which lasts about 40 minutes.

I'm not relgious, which was a big clash. I believe in God, but I'm not religious.

Those kind can be a pain in the ass. I suggest one day, while she isn't home, decorating her room with figures of satan, paint the walls black, and place a goat's head on her dresser.

I don't know how this will help your relationship, but it'd be hillarious to see her reaction.

#35 Posted by ff-leader (2400 posts) -

Its called the starving system my friend. Let me explain, when i go out with a bunch of new people who i was introduced through a friend, you have to make a good impression, and then wait till they ask for you to come back out. If i went out with them of my own free will or pestered them about going out, they would soon get bored of me. Same with your girl, short burst of good impressions, once they muster up enough good memories they will stick like glue in their head and they will always want to hang out with you. Let me explain the simplar-

1.When you go out make a good impression

2.Once this has been achieved, wait until they want to go out again, this is because they will think about you, and remember the good times you had and want to hang out again. If you make the first move this will not enter their unconcious and they will much more easiky get bored of your presence, and remember if they did not ask you to go out, it means they do not particulary want you to go out, which will make them put less effort into having a good time, because they expect you to make it a good time because you! asked them out, so if you do not achieve you will get minus points. But if they ask you out it will be on their mind to give you a good time, because they remember and want to achieve the happiness you shared before.

Hope you understand lol.

#36 Posted by tofu-lion91 (13481 posts) -

Thanks for the help guys. Unfortunatly, we ended it this morning. She said she could never be the old her, and I either had to put up with it or leave - so I left. It hurts, pretty bad. But Im strong. I can deal. oddone12

How old is she?

#37 Posted by shadow_X_hunter (1192 posts) -
You can't let her think she is the most important thing in your life all the time (even if she is, which is fine). If the girl knows that you will do whatever she wants at the drop of a hat she might get bored, for lack of a better word. So you need to do other things and let her know you have your own stuff going on and that she isn't always gonna be #1 on the list.
#38 Posted by Sins-of-Mosin (3855 posts) -
Sounds like she don't want ya man, sorry but you might be better off.
#39 Posted by Jandurin (95552 posts) -
Don't call her for a couple of days in a row every few weeks. Women HATE that. But, it's not *really* being an ***.
#40 Posted by oddone12 (405 posts) -

[QUOTE="oddone12"]Thanks for the help guys. Unfortunatly, we ended it this morning. She said she could never be the old her, and I either had to put up with it or leave - so I left. It hurts, pretty bad. But Im strong. I can deal. tofu-lion91

How old is she?

22 like me.

She is just... eh. Very selfish. I spent so much money on her, treated her like a PRINCESS and she says I was SMOTHERING her. God.

#41 Posted by JJ4545 (3015 posts) -

She sounds absolutely mad.

My friend, you are better off without her - you deserve someone more sane at any rate.

You did the right thing, and you should know that, from what I've read, you're the good guy.

#42 Posted by Grodus5 (7934 posts) -
I feel your pain, man. My girl friend broke up with me for the same reason on Sunday. I'm going to reask her out tomorrow and say that I won't smother her anymore. I hope it works out...

Back on subject. I really don't know how I can help you, however, I will give you the exact same advice everyone gave me: Give her a few days to cool down, don't talk to her in those days unless she starts the conversation, then work it out. Good luck.
#43 Posted by oddone12 (405 posts) -

I feel your pain, man. My girl friend broke up with me for the same reason on Sunday. I'm going to reask her out tomorrow and say that I won't smother her anymore. I hope it works out...

Back on subject. I really don't know how I can help you, however, I will give you the exact same advice everyone gave me: Give her a few days to cool down, don't talk to her in those days unless she starts the conversation, then work it out. Good luck.Grodus5

I feel your pain man. We try and be good guys, but it backfires.

Thanks for all of the cool replys guys. I was expecting more flaming, but I'm happy to see you guys helped me with advice. :)

#44 Posted by foxhound_fox (89875 posts) -
Why don't you talk to her about this? Ask her what you need to do to make her happy?