A little backstory, first. I've known Ethan since were were in the sixth grade. We bonded instantly, and we did everything together. We cheated off each other. We rode bikes together. We took the rap for each other. When we entered high school, we got jobs at the same Wendy's together. We even picked up chics together. After we graduated, the only think we didn't do together was go to the same college. Well, both of our classes are done, and he decided to fly over here to hang out with me all this month.
It's been a blast hanging out with Ethan again. We went right back into trouble. We even thought it would be fun to pick up chics again, so we headed to out to a local nightclub last night, had a few drinks and flirted with a few girls. We made it a contest to see who would get one first. Naturally, he won, but I came in at a close second. :P The four of us decided to head back to my apartment and watch a movie or two. So as we were watching the movie, I was making out with my girl on the couch while Ethan and his girl were just holding each other on the rocker. It got late, so we let the girls go home, and then Ethan and I pretty much stayed up all night playing games.
So today while we were goofiing off, I wanted to start some conversation with him, so I asked what he thought of his girl. I thought it was odd that he didn't even so much as kiss her, so I brought that up. Then he said he wasn't attracted to her... and I said "WTF, man! She was hot! What did you not like?" And then he dropped the bombshell on me. "That she was a girl. John... I'm gay."
My jaw just droppedon the ground. The Ethan I knew was nothing short of a lady's man, a pimp if you will. So he sat me down on the couch, and he started explaining to me how he was never comfortable with women, how he was always forcing himself to date them and have sex with them, and try to like it. But he just said deep down, it wasn't working for me. Then he dropped the biggest bombshell that has ever been dropped on me. "John, I love you. I've always loved you. I just never told you before because I was too afraid it would ruin our friendship." I asked him why he waited so long to tell me, and why even tell me at all, and he said, "Because I'm tired of hiding it from you, and I'd rather get it out and risk losing you as a friend than never getting it out and not knowing what would happen."
So I was just sitting there... speechless, probably in shock, and he grabbed my hand, and we just sorta stared into each other's eyes... and he leant in close, and seeing me not repel, he leaned in all the way and kissed me on the lips. And.. I think for a split second.. I kissed him back, before I snapped to my senses and stood up and then.. I socked him in jaw. I keep playing this over and over in my mind trying to figure out if it was real, what I did. I just punched my best friend who told me his deepest secret... :(
So we got in this big fight (verbal, not physical), and I kicked him out of my apartment... Heleft without his cellphone, and I have no idea where is now to apologize. I hurt him so bad, but I mean... it was just a reaction, you know? But what I'm really concerned about is that split second where I think I kissed him back. What does this mean? Could I be gay Do I...love Ethan more than just as a friend? Oh God... what do I do? :(