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#1 Posted by J-Man725 (6786 posts) -

Well, OT, I think its about time we had ourselves a nice "Tell some good jokes" topic.  Lets see if we cant get some chuckles rippling through the forum here..

I'll start out with some of my personal favorites

(A few of these are pretty dirty, youve been warned)

1.
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

2.
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the heck is wrong with it ?"
The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

3.
Three men went to heck.
The devil said to them "You have come to heck, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

4.
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

5.
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor:"I've got some cream for that."

6.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.

7.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

#2 Posted by LA_lakers_4life (7051 posts) -
so there was this chick right...she was working on a puzzle and she was having a really hard time doin it...so she goes to her husband and says "honey, im working on this puzzle of a tiger and its so hard, theres a bajillion pieces and none seem to fit, can you help me hun?" her husband says "yeah babe ill help you out"...he follows here to where shes working on the puzzle and she shows him the box and the pieces and says "see hun, this puzzle of the tiger is impossible"........he looks at her and he looks at the box then he looks at the puzzle pieces and looks at her again....then he says... "honey...put the frosted flakes back in the box please"
#3 Posted by xxQuadropwnedxx (2201 posts) -
J-Man725
1 wasnt too good but the rest were amazing...they were a little dirty though.
#4 Posted by PercivalCox (985 posts) -
Jman725, those first three were new to me.  And hilarious, LMAO!
#5 Posted by Undoing_Ruin (1303 posts) -


This picture makes me laugh so hard.
#6 Posted by Lemon-Demon35 (5792 posts) -


This picture makes me laugh so hard.
Undoing_Ruin
Omg that's hilarious.
#7 Posted by Lemon-Demon35 (5792 posts) -
#8 Posted by J-Man725 (6786 posts) -



This picture makes me laugh so hard.
Undoing_Ruin

Dear god..I cant look away.

#9 Posted by trophylocoste (8452 posts) -
Four was really funny.
#10 Posted by -hotaru- (1380 posts) -
1 wasn't funny at all, 2 was just weird, stopped reading 4. This has ruined my day :(
#11 Posted by ayanami_rei (17115 posts) -


This picture makes me laugh so hard.
Undoing_Ruin
:lol: That's great.
#12 Posted by Edgemaster666 (1686 posts) -
The pencil one is awesome, I've heard it before. Still gold though.
#13 Posted by RogerC44 (2504 posts) -
This to.
funnies
Lemon-Demon35
That is funny.
#14 Posted by Vax45 (4834 posts) -
[QUOTE="Lemon-Demon35"]This to.
funnies
RogerC44
That is funny.

Hyuck hyuck hyuck hyuck hyuck
#15 Posted by Canuck3000 (40562 posts) -
That 4th one was good :lol:
#16 Posted by Superironic (12658 posts) -

Well, OT, I think its about time we had ourselves a nice "Tell some good jokes" topic.  Lets see if we cant get some chuckles rippling through the forum here..

I'll start out with some of my personal favorites

(A few of these are pretty dirty, youve been warned)

1.
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

2.
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the heck is wrong with it ?"
The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

3.
Three men went to heck.
The devil said to them "You have come to heck, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

4.
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

5.
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor:"I've got some cream for that."

6.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.

7.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

J-Man725
Number 4 was soo....... funny :lol:
#17 Posted by BrideInDream (2262 posts) -
number 4 was soooooo gooddddd... it's the only one that made me laugh :D
#18 Posted by staindcoldlp (15121 posts) -

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Thank you. I'm here all week.

#19 Posted by BrideInDream (2262 posts) -

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Thank you. I'm here all week.

staindcoldlp
yeah... was that a joke?
#20 Posted by PercivalCox (985 posts) -

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Thank you. I'm here all week.

staindcoldlp

that's up there with:

Two peanuts are walking down the street.  One of them is a-salted

#21 Posted by 0757691 (2022 posts) -
Hmmm, good ones....
#22 Posted by JJ4545 (3015 posts) -
I LOVED No.1. My contribution: How do you say hello to a duck? 'Hello, duck'.
#23 Posted by BabyAlf (571 posts) -
A jelly baby is in a bar and a minstrel walks in and sits beside him. they have a luagh drinking themselves sensless but then the minstral says "wanna go to the big tough bar across the road?" JB: "I dont know. ill be killed, im only a jelly baby, but ok well go"

They walk over anyway and sit down and had a few drinks but then they minstral goes to the toilet and 2 big massive sweets come in and start beating the S**t out of everyone in the bar, and they come over to the jelly baby and rip his little jelly legs and his little jelly arms and his little jelly head, and when they go the minstral comes back and says "did you see those to mints? they were F**king menthol!"

Not a very good one I know but my other good jokes are either Dirty, or Rascist.