How should I have dealt with a stalker/sexual harasser?

#1 Posted by the_plan_man (1555 posts) -

Last semester at my prior school (I switched schools because of this and other incidents), I was in the lobby and talked to someone in my dorm who was gay. After I talked to him, I added him on Facebook. He messaged me and we talked casually, but then he started asking if I was gay or not, and I said I was straight; then he asked me if I knew anybody who was gay, because he wanted someone to "blow" someone that night; I tried to help him by listing off names of people who might be gay, but ultimately didn't have any luck. Then he said it was a shame I wasn't gay, or he'd blow me. But, from then on out, he would constantly message me asking if he could perform oral sex on me, saying "it wouldn't make you gay," and I politely declined each time. This occurred probably 20 times last semester. Finally, he let up on messaging me, but on my whiteboard outside my room, there were messages like "I Like Dick" and the likes almost every day on there. I am currently going to a college outside of my home two hours north. What should I have done in that situation?

#2 Edited by Gaming-Planet (14021 posts) -

You should have let him blow you.

#3 Edited by ad1x2 (5560 posts) -

You could have reported him for sexual harassment. Sexual harassment doesn't have to be between two people of the opposite gender and your report could have gotten him expelled and possibly criminally charged.

However, I don't know all of the details or if he is the type of person who would hold a grudge, so the choices you made so far seem to have served you well for now.

#4 Posted by Master_Live (14397 posts) -

@ad1x2 said:

You could have reported him for sexual harassment.

This.

But some people only understand force.

#5 Edited by ReadingRainbow4 (13801 posts) -
#6 Posted by SOedipus (6811 posts) -

Tie your shoe.

#7 Edited by Korvus (3521 posts) -

@the_plan_man: Have you ever tried to tell him that his repeated advances were making you uncomfortable? If so, did he seem to care at all?

If everything else failed, you could always have reported him like other people said but personally if somebody told me he was searching for people to blow, the last thing I'd do would be giving him a list...you do realise you might have just shared your misery with every single person in the list you gave him, right? Also, by being "such a sport" and helping him with something that was none of your business, you might have given him the idea that you were pals, which I'm sure didn't help your situation at all.

So, in my opinion, if you want to avoid that sort of situations in the future, start by getting to know the person better (read: learn if the person is stable) before offering that sort of personal help...not saying if you find someone crying in the halls you shouldn't help, but I don't think that guy's life was in danger just because he wanted dick...

#8 Posted by indzman (17537 posts) -
#9 Posted by lamprey263 (23477 posts) -

@the_plan_man: Too bad you had other problems (whatever they were) besides this guy. I wouldn't blame you for changing schools if there was too much keeping you down there. Don't waste too much energy thinking about things you can't change, try making the best out of your new situation.

I mean, maybe if you addressed this problem early and head on something could have been done differently, maybe you should take that away from the situation, try to apply it to other aspects in life, and that's to not let a problem build until it's too much to handle.

#10 Edited by johnd13 (8072 posts) -

Your first mistake was making a list of people he could blow. That didn't feel any weird to you? lol

From there one you handled it pretty well by politely declining his "offers". He then passed the line by harassing you so you could have tried to agressively(in terms of manner, not violence) tell him to stop that shit, make him understand that you're serious. Still failing to get the message, report him.

#11 Posted by sukraj (22539 posts) -

You should have let him blow you.

blow hard I would say

#12 Edited by leif3141 (117 posts) -

If you had to "politely" decline his offer more than once, it should have gone from being polite to a different level. If I "offered" to perform oral sex on a female that I barely know, I would expect to never be speaking to her again. And the ones that would accept, I wouldn't generally be wanting to do this to them anyway. No reason to be nice at all to people like that. It only encourages that kind of stupid behavior out of people.

If I was your friend and was part of the list, I would no longer be friends with you if I knew if included me. In fact, I probably wouldn't be friends with you even if I had nothing to do with it. Your inability to say no would compromise my safety, and yea, I don't like people like that in my life.

#13 Posted by EasyComeEasyGo (584 posts) -

Your first mistake was that you got involved in this situation in the first place. If a guy ask you anything something odd, you should have known better and always think before you act.

Buuuut Gaming-Planet had the right idea, let him Blow you.

#14 Edited by LJS9502_basic (150674 posts) -

@korvus said:

@the_plan_man: Have you ever tried to tell him that his repeated advances were making you uncomfortable? If so, did he seem to care at all?

If everything else failed, you could always have reported him like other people said but personally if somebody told me he was searching for people to blow, the last thing I'd do would be giving him a list...you do realise you might have just shared your misery with every single person in the list you gave him, right? Also, by being "such a sport" and helping him with something that was none of your business, you might have given him the idea that you were pals, which I'm sure didn't help your situation at all.

So, in my opinion, if you want to avoid that sort of situations in the future, start by getting to know the person better (read: learn if the person is stable) before offering that sort of personal help...not saying if you find someone crying in the halls you shouldn't help, but I don't think that guy's life was in danger just because he wanted dick...

This pretty much nails it.....

#15 Posted by leif3141 (117 posts) -

@korvus said:

@the_plan_man: Have you ever tried to tell him that his repeated advances were making you uncomfortable? If so, did he seem to care at all?

If everything else failed, you could always have reported him like other people said but personally if somebody told me he was searching for people to blow, the last thing I'd do would be giving him a list...you do realise you might have just shared your misery with every single person in the list you gave him, right? Also, by being "such a sport" and helping him with something that was none of your business, you might have given him the idea that you were pals, which I'm sure didn't help your situation at all.

So, in my opinion, if you want to avoid that sort of situations in the future, start by getting to know the person better (read: learn if the person is stable) before offering that sort of personal help...not saying if you find someone crying in the halls you shouldn't help, but I don't think that guy's life was in danger just because he wanted dick...

This pretty much nails it.....

I agree for the most part. I do disagree on even tolerating one of his advances. So he asks if the guy is gay, ok, I don't really have a problem with that. When told no, then at a later date he tries to take it to that level, one of 3 things should have happened - a confrontation happens, ignores it completely, or reports it. By being passively polite, we only encourage stupid people to be stupid.

#16 Posted by Korvus (3521 posts) -

@leif3141 said:

I agree for the most part. I do disagree on even tolerating one of his advances. So he asks if the guy is gay, ok, I don't really have a problem with that. When told no, then at a later date he tries to take it to that level, one of 3 things should have happened - a confrontation happens, ignores it completely, or reports it. By being passively polite, we only encourage stupid people to be stupid.

Oh, absolutely...if you can prevent the situation from even happening all the better. My reply was based on the fact that it had already happened multiple times so there's no helping that part =)

#17 Posted by LJS9502_basic (150674 posts) -

@leif3141 said:

@LJS9502_basic said:

This pretty much nails it.....

I agree for the most part. I do disagree on even tolerating one of his advances. So he asks if the guy is gay, ok, I don't really have a problem with that. When told no, then at a later date he tries to take it to that level, one of 3 things should have happened - a confrontation happens, ignores it completely, or reports it. By being passively polite, we only encourage stupid people to be stupid.

Eh...one is one. Beyond that is reprehensible though....

#18 Posted by airshocker (29354 posts) -

This thread is going to end badly.

#19 Posted by farrell2k (5852 posts) -

Last semester at my prior school (I switched schools because of this and other incidents), I was in the lobby and talked to someone in my dorm who was gay. After I talked to him, I added him on Facebook. He messaged me and we talked casually, but then he started asking if I was gay or not, and I said I was straight; then he asked me if I knew anybody who was gay, because he wanted someone to "blow" someone that night; I tried to help him by listing off names of people who might be gay, but ultimately didn't have any luck. Then he said it was a shame I wasn't gay, or he'd blow me. But, from then on out, he would constantly message me asking if he could perform oral sex on me, saying "it wouldn't make you gay," and I politely declined each time. This occurred probably 20 times last semester. Finally, he let up on messaging me, but on my whiteboard outside my room, there were messages like "I Like Dick" and the likes almost every day on there. I am currently going to a college outside of my home two hours north. What should I have done in that situation?

Yo should have told him to wear a wig...

#20 Edited by Daforsaken1 (71 posts) -
#21 Posted by whipassmt (14024 posts) -

Report his ass.