Girlfriend, relationship and old friends

Hello guys,

I'm italian and have an American girlfriend.

One of her old friends asked her to go out together, alone, for dinner.

When she told me about her friend's invitation, I cringed a bit, but I told her that I'd feel much better if she could meet him for a coffee or something less "deep" than dinner.

I let her know that I ddin't wanna impose her anything, that she's free to do whatever she feels is right, but I just didn't feel comfortable about it, in my mind and in my heart.

I don't know this person at all, all I know is that he recently divorced to his wife and that he's going to town (where my gf lives) cause his girlfreind is having a surgery.

So, I was like "oh so you guys are all going to have dinner together then?" The answer was "no", and that kinda upset me.

So I repeated to her that I'm not fine with it and she told me that I don't trust her. But it's not that.

I explained to her how it works in Italy, once you are in a relationship with someone, you just don't go out alone with someone of the opposite sex, we just don't do it, it's an unwritten rule, some sort of respect towards the partner.

So, she told me that it's exaggerated and that in America such a behavior would be considered a warning sign, like partner being a controlling freak.

I pretty much failed at making her understand that I'm not a controlling freak or trying to impose anything, but at some point I felt overwhelmed by me failing at making my point clear.

So, tl:dr, I'd like to know from you guys here, if it's true that in America going out alone with another opposite sex person is something common and normal and that the other partner should stay out of it.

thank you

Yea it's pretty normal. Females tend to have male friends that they can be close to but have no intimate relationship that involves a romance. Especially if it's a childhood friend but I think it usually depends on the person and personality of the female. If she's hanging out with the same person many times a week and for long periods of time then it'd seem weird. If she starts to become very distant from you then it's obvious there may be something going on. If not, then it's just a platonic relationship.

I don't see how your nationality is relevant. paranoid control freaks come from all corners of the world.

I guess I'm really not accustomed to that mentality, then.

In Italy it just won't happen that you go out for dinner alone with someone of the opposite sex; unless you both are single.

As I said on the OP, it's an unwritten rule that people apply when they're in a relationship; if they don't, something is not right.

Despite all, I guess I need to think outside of the box and be as cool as possible; but it's also true that relationship is about compromise, and cultural differences can be smoothened out by talking and being sincere with each other.

I appreciate you guys' opinion, I needed it. It's comforting.

thank you

My opinion may be discredited with the rationale that I come from a "conservative" background but I'm going to throw it in anyway. From my experience, someone who's in a serious relationship and would have no problem going out, alone, for dinner, with someone from the opposite sex is damn sketchy. Why couldn't they just grab a cup of coffee like you suggested? Him inviting her to go "alone" is kind of shady. Her invoking of the "you're a control freak" argument even though that you tried to be reasonable and rational with her tells me that she just wants to get her way by pressuring you and making you look and feel bad as if you were an oppressive authoritarian.

I for one would never go out alone with a female friend for dinner, i wouldn't do that to my partner, let alone when that partner makes it clear that she's uncomfortable with it. Even if I still wanted to go out with a female friend despite my knowledge of my partner's discomfort, I'd try to persuade her into accepting it without feelings of worry or discomfort, instead of waving at her that she's a clingy bitch or something. If she still didn't consent to it I wouldn't do it.

Regardless of all of that, if she cares about you and loves you enough, she at the very least should be a little more courteous and considerate of you.

@GazaAli: Yes, you basically speak my mind, that's how I see relationship, too.

It all just depends on the rules you two have agreed upon in the relationship. It's important that both partners agree upon boundaries, what's acceptable, what they feel comfortable with. So the amount that you do or don't feel comfortable isn't a problem, the only problem is that it does not line up with hers'.

I suggest sitting down and talking that stuff through, as uncomfortable as it may be. Asking if it would be okay for you to do the same thing might be a place to start (even if you don't plan on doing so, just put it into perspective).

Any update since 11 hours?

I'm Italian, too. If my boyfriend ever did that to me, it'd be over. Right there I'd lose all trust and respect towards him.

It actually does, it is called social norms and expectations. Culture.

That's pretty ignorant.

No, it isn't.

Well, the if the least interesting culture in the world counts then I guess it's still a culture so you're right.

How is it the least interesting?

his nationality "does" relevant? Jesus H, your grammar is worse than mine!

It's hard to argue that it is interesting, that's for sure.

Bad advice is bad.

Really bad... o.O

You obviously don't trust her. If you are comfortable in the relationship, you would have no problems having her visit with old friends of the opposite sex, if you trust her not to stray.

You recognize the fact that she is an autonomous person and not an object of your possession, so why even bring this up if you trust her to be your's and your's alone?

Look at how many posts I have. Surely I am not a person who gives bad advice.

Oh of course, quite infallible. [:
Forget I said anything.

I agree with this. If you trust her then you should be okay with it. If you can't trust her to have one dinner with a friend, then how the heck can you trust her to commit long-term? Tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable, but don't force her to stay in. I personally like having dinner with friends, it's more enjoyable than a simple coffee out. Nothing that wrong about that, you're worrying way too much about old customs and cultures. Even though I can understand respecting your culture, it seems really silly to me to leave a girl you love because she disagrees with what you believe. You're not trying to keep her in a prison with you. I'm not saying that you (TC) are going to break up with her, that last part was mostly a reply to the other people here.

"I don't know this person at all, all I know is that he recently divorced to his wife and that he's going to town (where my gf lives) cause his girlfreind is having a surgery."

If I'm reading this right, this guy already has a girlfriend, so I highly doubt he's going to make moves on yours. From what I gather, he's in town and wants to catch up with an old friend. Nothing wrong with that. I guess it depends how casual this dinner is going to be.

So if I understand correctly: you're in Italy, your gf is in America, your gf's friend lives in a different city, and his gf lives in the same city as your gf; So the friend is going to your gf's city to be there for his gf's surgery, and figured he'd get dinner with your gf while he's there. Is that right?

If so, I'd say that guy's sketchy as f***. Who the hell goes to support their gf, who's getting surgery, and decides to take some other girl out to dinner alone? But at the same time, your trust in your gf, acceptance of her choices, and consideration of her feelings are what will make the relationship work (same goes for her).

also, it's not cool that she didn't give a damn about your customs and misgivings about the situation, and just wrote you off as a control freak.

Honest question TC - how well do you you and this girl actually know each other? Have you actually met or is this just an online thing?

Depends on a tonne of factors
How long they've known each other
If they've been intimate before
Where they go for dinner
And how much do you trust your Mrs

We've been together for 2 and a half year now and we see each other not often, but not rarely either; since I work as an engineer, I sometimes find myself working around the Bay Area and she spends summer and xmas holidays with me in Italy. So, we know each other pretty well.

However my question was based solely on understanding some kind of mentality which I'm not familiar with, not trying to impose her anything or talk her into NOT doing what she wants. I'm not an authoritarian person. Of course people argue sometimes, things go a little hectic, so I guess I needed to open up to somebody other than my gf.

Despite coming from a different culture, I firmly believe it's always good to keep an open mind to things and I believe in compromises. If both sides cannot make each other 100% happy with something, then talking and discussing things lead to some sort of compromise for the sake of love.

I believe in shades of gray, nothing is just black and white.

I've posed such a question here - who may seem weird to somebody - because I like sharing opinions with people from different cultures and/or ideas.

Drop her like a bad habit and move one. There's nothing worse than a woman that won't obey her man's orders. She must be controlled or dumped.

:lol:

And this must be why you can't get a girlfriend.

lol never mind girlfriend, that is why people openly avoid him in the streets.

Anyway, OP is insecure and doesn't trust his girlfriend. Quite sad, really.

I was honestly joking.

Yup. Between things like that, Bert stare and Rapeland you're a barrel of lulz.

This ^^^^^

All I have to say is, if she claims to be in a "serious" relationship with you, then she wouldn't do anything that made you upset or whatever. Seems like to me, she really wants to see this guy.

If she continues to see this guy on a regular basis, and you still want to be with her, then I'd continue to see this girl loosely. If she starts to drift away from you or things start to get distant and not the same, then dump her before she does.

So true

You got that right, slap that bitch.

I was referring to American culture.

*you're

The centre of the universe is relative and anyone can rightfully claim to be in it. So he is the centre of the universe.

/thegerg

That there are multiple races, nationalities and other aspects that influenced American culture or compromise it doesn't undermine the fact that there is such a thing as an American culture.

Wow...is this the 1800s or something?

Well I don't know about that last part to be honest. It really comes down to what kind of a woman she is. There are many women who don't enjoy liberty all that much. They want to be controlled and "instructed" as it apparently makes them feel somehow safe and removes the scary uncertainty of life. This form of existence is not exclusive to women, it can be observed in all levels of social and political life, just like the members of a totalitarian and fascist political party consider themselves to be privileged in the sense that they feel safe since someone else is doing all the thinking. Some other women go to ridiculous extents in their assertion of their liberty that its practically impossible to be with one unless you're personality is nonexistent. Those are more or less the feminists who believe that they must make zero compromises and say no to everything in order to feel independent and individualist and that they're preserving their rights and holding on to them in a relationship with a man.

There is a third type, and I'm still not sure if it exists. That type is the sane, rational, truly liberated woman. A woman like this is sovereign and individualist, but she's also not afraid to make compromises so that she can make a relationship work. She believes in the notion that she has it within her to claim her worth in the world without crying "I'm being oppressed" like a bitch. A woman like this wouldn't give the least of attention to feminism and affirmative action and political correctness as she's too busy realizing herself and basking in her individuality and intellectual primacy.