Funny oneliners please!

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dibyajyoti_mond

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#1 dibyajyoti_mond
Member since 2008 • 99 Posts

your funniest ones.

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Infinite-Zr0

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#2 Infinite-Zr0
Member since 2003 • 13284 Posts
Should you give us a couple in good faith?
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69ANT69

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#3 69ANT69
Member since 2007 • 8472 Posts

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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dibyajyoti_mond

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#4 dibyajyoti_mond
Member since 2008 • 99 Posts

I was walking down railtracks when a train came. I whistled loudly, the train got down and gave me way.

No, this is better-

my leg broke in two places. doctor asked me not to go there.

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my_mortal_coil

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#5 my_mortal_coil
Member since 2009 • 2839 Posts

For example my wife; Take my wife ... PLEASE!!

*Da dum cha!!*

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FragStains

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#6 FragStains
Member since 2003 • 20668 Posts
"Well, we already bought the tickets...might as well go." Abraham Lincoln.
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Engrish_Major

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#7 Engrish_Major
Member since 2007 • 17373 Posts
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.69ANT69
And, to follow up: There are 10 kinds of people, those who know binary and those who don't.
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lil_buddy7

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#8 lil_buddy7
Member since 2007 • 982 Posts

Does your mom know your gay?

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Hungry_bunny

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#9 Hungry_bunny
Member since 2006 • 14293 Posts
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.... seriously, they'll kill ya.
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matisrock

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#10 matisrock
Member since 2007 • 679 Posts

Anything that came out of Mitch Hedberg's mouth.

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69ANT69

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#11 69ANT69
Member since 2007 • 8472 Posts
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
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mozzlingman

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#12 mozzlingman
Member since 2004 • 449 Posts

Anything that came out of Mitch Hedberg's mouth.

matisrock
agreed.
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LoG-Sacrament

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#13 LoG-Sacrament
Member since 2006 • 20397 Posts

theyre not mine, but heres a couple from steven wright:

"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."

"Is it wierd in here, or is it just me?"

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D3nnyCrane

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#14 D3nnyCrane
Member since 2007 • 12058 Posts
"My comedy book actually got stolen before the show, so if you see 2 guys crashing and burning at a nearby comedy club, those are the guys."
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-Absinthe-

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#15 -Absinthe-
Member since 2008 • 4181 Posts

'Out of all the friends I've had... You're the first.'

From Futurama, I thought it was hilarious when I first heard it.

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Infinite-Zr0

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#16 Infinite-Zr0
Member since 2003 • 13284 Posts

'Out of all the friends I've had... You're the first.'

From Futurama, I thought it was hilarious when I first heard it.

-Absinthe-
When Bender is falling off a cliff with all the other Planet Express guy, Bender says, (Heroic voice) "I'll save me!"
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blue_hazy_basic

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#17 blue_hazy_basic  Moderator
Member since 2002 • 30854 Posts
Not actually a one liner I suppose but Winston Churchill had a fav of mine. Accosted by a woman (I forget her name): "You sir are drunk!" Churchill: "Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
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fracot

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#18 fracot
Member since 2006 • 1278 Posts

"Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass." - Peter Griffin

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xTheExploited

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#19 xTheExploited
Member since 2007 • 12094 Posts
[QUOTE="blue_hazy_basic"]Not actually a one liner I suppose but Winston Churchill had a fav of mine. Accosted by a woman (I forget her name): "You sir are drunk!" Churchill: "Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

Yeah theres another one thats really good by him. [Some lady, also can't remember her name] Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband I would put poison in your wine. Churchill: Lady, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.