Does my dad hate me because I am in a wheelchair?

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#1 Edited by Squeets (8184 posts) -

Currently I am an unemployed 23 year old in a wheelchair. In December I graduated from college... I had a double major, I was a part of my university's honors program, and I graduated with undergraduate Latin-Honors because I maintained a 3.9+ GPA all four years.

Upon graduation, I received a job offer from a government agency (to work in another city/state), which I accepted. In the ensuing chaos I was forced to withdraw my acceptance because I was unable to obtain guaranteed transportation and housing. I don't have a car and the public transportation in the city wasn't able to 100% guarantee wheelchair accessible transportation every day (full time job and all), they said it was first come first served, took months to schedule subscription transportation, had a rigorous application process, and even then it was not certain if they could get me at the same times daily... Normal buses are handicap accessible, but the job was on a military base where only one bus line was allowed onto the base at very specific times in the day (outside of my work schedule) and even then, they couldn't tell me if the wheelchair places were available on that bus. My savings were limited so I couldn't very well sign a six month+ lease on an apartment without knowing I would be able to get to work.

Why I ask the question above of whether my father hates me or not is the fact that I need to use public transportation at all. I have two sisters... One is in her 30s and the other is my twin. My older sister got a car when she was in high school... Then she dropped out of her university and my dad bought her another car so she could drive to a community college, which she also dropped out of. As recently as a few years ago (in her late 20s), he signed the lease for her to get yet another car. My twin sister was flunked out of her university for bad grades and now goes to some community college as well... My father gave her my mother's old Suburban...

Then here I am, four years of college to graduate with a double major, honors, and a lifelong career handed to me on a silver platter... All of it thrown away because I can't get around.

Outside of the fact that I am crippled, I can think of no other reason why my father does this? He is not strapped for cash or anything like that... He makes quite a lot of money and a few months ago he bought a summer home... I don't argue with him, we have never fallen out, etc...

I am just at a loss at this point... As I said before, I have very little savings and my student loans entered repayment last month, $600 a month... I have only enough cash for a few months of that.

Thank you.

#2 Edited by Master_Live (14821 posts) -

Ok, but you failed to tell us if you have ever asked your father for a car and what his respond to that question has been. Has he ever given you a specific reason for not providing you with a car?

#3 Posted by airshocker (29882 posts) -

Why don't you ask him?

#4 Posted by Squeets (8184 posts) -

@Master_Live said:

Ok, but you failed to tell us if you have ever asked your father for a car and what his respond to that question has been. Has he ever given you an specific reason for not providing you with a car?

I ask him every time I see him, he says no and does not elaborate. And by "every time I see him," I don't mean nagging... I see him like every other month as he works overseas and is home sparingly.

I have been asking him since I was in High School.

#5 Posted by AutoPilotOn (8524 posts) -

My wife is in wheelchair and her parents bought her 2 sisters their first 2 cars and she did not get anything. I think it was mostly cause money though and maybe a little afraid to see her try and drive.

#6 Edited by jasean79 (2375 posts) -

@Squeets said:

@Master_Live said:

Ok, but you failed to tell us if you have ever asked your father for a car and what his respond to that question has been. Has he ever given you an specific reason for not providing you with a car?

I ask him every time I see him, he says no and does not elaborate. And by "every time I see him," I don't mean nagging... I see him like every other month as he works overseas and is home sparingly.

I have been asking him since I was in High School.

What about your mom? Can you go through her instead?

#7 Posted by Korvus (3920 posts) -

I doubt that your father hates you...there's probably a reason for him not wanting to buy you a car, although I have no idea what it might be.

When I was 3 years old, my father came to me and said "You were an accident, I never planned on having you, and then you were born with asthma and the extra attention you need is ruining my marriage...I wish you were dead, and every day I hope it'll happen". He would also let me just suffocate whenever I'd get an asthma attack and refuse to take me to the hospital, my mother would have to call a taxi every night.

That's a father who hates his son, not yours =)

#8 Posted by ad1x2 (5666 posts) -

Your dad may be frustrated with your disability, but that doesn't mean he hates you. You may want to discuss that with him. As for transportation, are you unable to drive a modified car made for people who are in wheelchairs? If not, does your father have a problem helping you finance such a vehicle? One thing about military bases is despite the fact that they are made to house and train people who absolutely cannot be handicapped in order to do their job, there are plenty of concessions made for the handicapped. Almost every building on most bases are ADA compliant because of retirees, spouses, and civilian employers who may need it.

#9 Posted by AutoPilotOn (8524 posts) -

@korvus: wow that's rough..

#10 Posted by Korvus (3920 posts) -

@AutoPilotOn: He was an asshole; my mother was also physically and emotionally abusive, but at least she didn't let me die =P

#11 Posted by Shadowchronicle (26039 posts) -

Did you ever learn how to drive? You should inform him that you wish to help out the family by having more mobility. It is hard to commute to work without a car in the first place. Also it might be he doesn't have experience with buying a modified car for someone in a weelchair.

#12 Posted by Squeets (8184 posts) -

@jasean79 said:

@Squeets said:

@Master_Live said:

Ok, but you failed to tell us if you have ever asked your father for a car and what his respond to that question has been. Has he ever given you an specific reason for not providing you with a car?

I ask him every time I see him, he says no and does not elaborate. And by "every time I see him," I don't mean nagging... I see him like every other month as he works overseas and is home sparingly.

I have been asking him since I was in High School.

What about your mom? Can you go through her instead?

No, she does not have a lot of spare cash after her bills and what not.

@ad1x2 said:

Your dad may be frustrated with your disability, but that doesn't mean he hates you. You may want to discuss that with him. As for transportation, are you unable to drive a modified car made for people who are in wheelchairs? If not, does your father have a problem helping you finance such a vehicle? One thing about military bases is despite the fact that they are made to house and train people who absolutely cannot be handicapped in order to do their job, there are plenty of concessions made for the handicapped. Almost every building on most bases are ADA compliant because of retirees, spouses, and civilian employers who may need it.

I am able to drive a normal car with portable hand controls... I don't need special controls for a car outside of the rods for the gas pedals. Also I know military bases are handicap accessible and all of that... Accessibility was never an issue, simply getting to and from the base was the issue.

#13 Posted by thegerg (15452 posts) -

Ask him, not us.

#14 Posted by Squeets (8184 posts) -

@thegerg said:

Ask him, not us.

I don't want to hear his answer if it is yes.

#15 Edited by thehig1 (2245 posts) -

@korvus: that's rough, no one should ever have to go through that.

are you on speaking terms with your father today?

#16 Edited by Korvus (3920 posts) -

@thehig1: Thanks man. Never really realised how bad it was until I left the house and starting interacting with older people who were parents themselves.

Yeah, I never stopped talking to my father, it's just not my style. He passed away last year...through my entire childhood he told me I was an embarrassment, dead weight and a burden. Karma being the bitch that she is, he died as an embarrassment, dead weight and a burden to my mother as well...it gave me no pleasure, but I couldn't help but see the irony...

#17 Posted by thehig1 (2245 posts) -

@korvus said:

@thehig1: Thanks man. Never really realised how bad it was until I left the house and starting interacting with older people who were parents themselves.

Yeah, I never stopped talking to my father, it's just not my style. He passed away last year...through my entire childhood he told me I was an embarrassment, dead weight and a burden. Karma being the bitch that she is, he died as an embarrassment, dead weight and a burden to my mother as well...it gave me no pleasure, but I couldn't help but see the irony...

kudos for being the bigger man and not being petty. Heavy stuff also sorry to here he passed away.

#18 Posted by Korvus (3920 posts) -

@thehig1: Thanks; since very young I remember having the philosophy (no idea where I got it from, definitely not from my family) that every example is a good example; some are good examples of what to do and some are good examples of what not to do. My parents showed me plenty of the latter...a lot of my personal growth during my childhood and teenage years happened by analyzing their self-destructive actions and their consequences...I believe it had a big impact on making me the man I am today.

#19 Posted by thehig1 (2245 posts) -

@korvus said:

@thehig1: Thanks; since very young I remember having the philosophy (no idea where I got it from, definitely not from my family) that every example is a good example; some are good examples of what to do and some are good examples of what not to do. My parents showed me plenty of the latter...a lot of my personal growth during my childhood and teenage years happened by analyzing their self-destructive actions and their consequences...I believe it had a big impact on making me the man I am today.

good logic, everyone should use it.

On topic, have you tried asking your dad why he wont help you out with a car ?

#20 Posted by PSP107 (11913 posts) -

Your dad maybe disappointed that you cant become the son he wanted. You know the next Larry Bird or Joe Montana.

#21 Posted by bobaban (10560 posts) -

Not hate, but probably resents..........

I'd have taken the job and paid for my own transportation initially. He'd probably lend you money, just say you'd be out of his hair if he helped you.

#22 Posted by thegerg (15452 posts) -

@Squeets said:

@thegerg said:

Ask him, not us.

I don't want to hear his answer if it is yes.

Then you either need to stop worrying about whether or not he hates you for being in a wheelchair, or bury your fucking head in the sand.

#23 Edited by The-Apostle (12190 posts) -

If you aren't working you can always apply for your student loans to be canceled. You'll need to get your doctor to sign a document (which will be mailed to you) that says you can't work because you're in a wheelchair. Also, once you turn in your application your loan payments will be placed on hold for 6 months while they review your case. Then if you stay below their earning income limit for 3 years your loans are canceled permanently.

But, still, your dad needs to do a better job with helping you.

#24 Posted by magicalclick (22821 posts) -

Tell your dad to pay your loan first. He has enough money in seems. And you need help. And paying interest is foolish unless you are already making money.

#25 Posted by Wilfred_Owen (20876 posts) -

So why are you in a wheel chair?

#26 Posted by XilePrincess (13130 posts) -

Maybe it's because you're 'the boy' of the family. Lots of families are like that, the boys and girls are treated differently, or the older and younger children are. My family is that way, with my younger sister being coddled and catered to, and me being told to suck it up.

A lot of families I know with one boy in them see the boy being treated like they should be a self-sufficient man-of-the-house, and the girls are handed things the boy is seen as having to 'work for' to 'build character'. It's dumb, it's sexist, but that's how some people think, especially men.

Maybe see if you can get some government grants for helping you get a vehicle? You're disabled, so I'd think that would bump you up the list or onto your own list entirely.

#27 Edited by Xeno_ghost (683 posts) -

@thehig1: "kudos for being the bigger man and not being petty"

I don't think not speaking to your father if he was like korvus's father would be considered being petty, it would be quite understandable.

#28 Posted by Xeno_ghost (683 posts) -

@korvus: did your father ever apologise to you for his rotten behavior before he died?

#29 Posted by darkmark91 (2873 posts) -

Learn to teleport. Ever since I taught myself to do that, traveling has never been easier.

#30 Edited by indzman (18122 posts) -

@korvus said:

I doubt that your father hates you...there's probably a reason for him not wanting to buy you a car, although I have no idea what it might be.

When I was 3 years old, my father came to me and said "You were an accident, I never planned on having you, and then you were born with asthma and the extra attention you need is ruining my marriage...I wish you were dead, and every day I hope it'll happen". He would also let me just suffocate whenever I'd get an asthma attack and refuse to take me to the hospital, my mother would have to call a taxi every night.

That's a father who hates his son, not yours =)

WTF , feel sooo bad for you man :(

#31 Posted by PSP107 (11913 posts) -

@The-Apostle:

Doesn't he get relief from being disabled like a disability check?

@XilePrincess:

No it goes fathers love their daughters until they turn into sluts and moms always love their sons no matter what.

#32 Edited by Squeets (8184 posts) -

@Wilfred_Owen said:

So why are you in a wheel chair?

Cancer as an infant. The radiation therapy destroyed a lot and my right hip/pelvis area got the brunt of it. My right femur head is almost completely dissolved and my right hip socket is smoothed over, so no surgery can correct the issue (at least so far as multiple doctors have told me). The bones are only one issue though, the treatment caused a myriad of other medical problems as well.

http://i.imgur.com/I4JBNhq.png

This is an x-ray from a few years ago when I was seeing a doctor about a possible full hip replacement/reconstruction. The two pins shown are what is left of a large number of screws/pins/plates that used to be there, which were removed to get accurate 3d scans of the hip. As I said before, the ball of the femur and most of the rest of the head are completely gone, the socket is flat and no longer a socket. No doctor is willing to even attempt a surgery on the region.

This is the left side, for comparison... Although it looks much better, it is still very messed up as well. If you look at the brightness of the bones in each, you can see how thin/decayed the bone in the right side is.

http://i.imgur.com/ikLBicK.png

EDIT: To elaborate further... Standing is extremely painful. My leg muscles have atrophied significantly. Those are both in addition to the constant pain from nerve damage.

#33 Posted by PSP107 (11913 posts) -

@Squeets said:

@Wilfred_Owen said:

So why are you in a wheel chair?

Cancer as an infant. The radiation therapy destroyed a lot and my right hip/pelvis area got the brunt of it. My right femur head is almost completely dissolved and my right hip socket is smoothed over, so no surgery can correct the issue (at least so far as multiple doctors have told me). The bones are only one issue though, the treatment caused a myriad of other medical problems as well.

Did you sue?

#34 Posted by Squeets (8184 posts) -

@PSP107 said:

@Squeets said:

@Wilfred_Owen said:

So why are you in a wheel chair?

Cancer as an infant. The radiation therapy destroyed a lot and my right hip/pelvis area got the brunt of it. My right femur head is almost completely dissolved and my right hip socket is smoothed over, so no surgery can correct the issue (at least so far as multiple doctors have told me). The bones are only one issue though, the treatment caused a myriad of other medical problems as well.

Did you sue?

Sue them for keeping me alive? No. It isn't their fault... Cancer treatment wasn't as refined then as it is now, especially in infants. And it was either that or I died.

#35 Edited by MirkoS77 (7603 posts) -

Kudos to you for surviving, man. Really. As one cancer survivor to another, one thing to keep in mind.....a lot of people have trouble acknowledging and dealing with such situations. Illness and handicaps is very uncomfortable territory for many people and myself I've lost both friends and alienated family due to my diagnosis. Although if you've been sick for a while, I'm sure I'm not enlightening you to anything you don't already know in this regard. Thing is though, he's your father, that makes it highly likely that it is difficult for him to see his son in such a situation. Especially this line.....

"I ask him every time I see him, he says no and does not elaborate".

......tells me it has nothing to do with hate and that his abruptness to end the conversation whenever it's brought up is an indication it's wandered into an area he's uncomfortable with. It's probably more so that he loves you a lot and him seeing you in the state you are is difficult for him. That's my theory, anyway. I'd just learn to accept the possibility that he doesn't want to see something you constantly have to show, even though it's not your fault.

#36 Posted by thehig1 (2245 posts) -

@xeno_ghost said:

@thehig1: "kudos for being the bigger man and not being petty"

I don't think not speaking to your father if he was like korvus's father would be considered being petty, it would be quite understandable.

Yeah, I See what you mean, basically I was trying to say I respect that he could still speak to his farther after that.

#37 Posted by always_explicit (2932 posts) -

@thegerg said:

@Squeets said:

@thegerg said:

Ask him, not us.

I don't want to hear his answer if it is yes.

Then you either need to stop worrying about whether or not he hates you for being in a wheelchair, or bury your fucking head in the sand.

A wheelchair bound cancer survivor with a genuine predicament expressing it openly and honestly on a forum of discussion and that is the most positive contribution you can make. Bravo sir. Quite the conversationalist.

On topic. I think you should have taken the job, most employee's should be fairly flexible regarding any issues you have getting to work, particularly when considering your disability and reliance on public transport. I know you mentioned it is on a military base so perhaps that means that they will be much less flexible.

Perhaps due to your relative success in comparison to your sisters you have portrayed yourself as someone who doesnt need assistance in order to succeed. Perhaps he simply isnt aware of just how important this is to you.

#38 Posted by SolidSnake35 (58110 posts) -

Find the three eyed raven.

#39 Posted by Korvus (3920 posts) -

@xeno_ghost: Nah, in his own mind he had never done anything wrong...you know those teenagers who go "What do you mean I didn't apologise for wrecking the car you bought me? It was an old car, not the one I wanted and I didn't even ask for it!"...my father was the same. Reportedly (not sure I believe my mother, since in her mind he went from an asshole to a saint as soon as he died), when he figured he was about to die he said "I'm going to die without seeing my son" (I'm not in the same country as them)...which would be a first, since as a kid, he would normally refer to me as anything from "this guy", to "the little fuck" and as a teenager the only thing he'd say to me would be "where's the tv remote" and "Have you cooked yet? I'm hungry" (that was annoying too since when I'd ask what he wanted to eat he would say he had no preference, so I'd say "How about...?" and he wouldn't reply....then after it was cooked he'd say he wanted something else, so basically I'd always have to cook twice, no matter what I cooked the first time...I'd also never eat the food I had just cooked, but the leftovers from him from the previous day). It was quite exhausting...

He never even memorised simple things like my full name or date of birth (or birthday...which is precisely one week after his, not hard to memorise), every time he'd fill IRS papers he'd have to ask me. Even after I moved out of the country the only time he called me was to ask if I had my mother's maiden name in my name or not and to tell him again what year I was born because he had papers to fill. Then I asked if he wanted to talk since we were on the phone and he said "nah, I'm watching tv now". Last words of wisdom I got from my father =P

@indzman: Thanks, you're a nice guy, but don't worry...yeah, it sucked at the time but now I can't see my life without that childhood...yes, it did fuck me up pretty badly...I grew up thinking that it was wrong to have fun or friends, that the only acceptable thing to do in life was to work all day (mostly to repay your parents for the debt you had incurred by being born), or that it was not ok to choose a career that didn't make a boatload of money but you were passionate about...stupid stuff like that that really halted my emotional growth (think I'm finally catching up!) but on the other hand it was like getting a gift-wrapped "Book of Life Lessons"...I ended up getting so much out of it, I'm quite grateful to be able to experience (and survive) the abuse by my parents. Doesn't mean I wish it upon anyone but it worked to my advantage in the end...

#40 Posted by evildead6789 (7882 posts) -

@Squeets said:

Currently I am an unemployed 23 year old in a wheelchair. In December I graduated from college... I had a double major, I was a part of my university's honors program, and I graduated with undergraduate Latin-Honors because I maintained a 3.9+ GPA all four years.

Upon graduation, I received a job offer from a government agency (to work in another city/state), which I accepted. In the ensuing chaos I was forced to withdraw my acceptance because I was unable to obtain guaranteed transportation and housing. I don't have a car and the public transportation in the city wasn't able to 100% guarantee wheelchair accessible transportation every day (full time job and all), they said it was first come first served, took months to schedule subscription transportation, had a rigorous application process, and even then it was not certain if they could get me at the same times daily... Normal buses are handicap accessible, but the job was on a military base where only one bus line was allowed onto the base at very specific times in the day (outside of my work schedule) and even then, they couldn't tell me if the wheelchair places were available on that bus. My savings were limited so I couldn't very well sign a six month+ lease on an apartment without knowing I would be able to get to work.

Why I ask the question above of whether my father hates me or not is the fact that I need to use public transportation at all. I have two sisters... One is in her 30s and the other is my twin. My older sister got a car when she was in high school... Then she dropped out of her university and my dad bought her another car so she could drive to a community college, which she also dropped out of. As recently as a few years ago (in her late 20s), he signed the lease for her to get yet another car. My twin sister was flunked out of her university for bad grades and now goes to some community college as well... My father gave her my mother's old Suburban...

Then here I am, four years of college to graduate with a double major, honors, and a lifelong career handed to me on a silver platter... All of it thrown away because I can't get around.

Outside of the fact that I am crippled, I can think of no other reason why my father does this? He is not strapped for cash or anything like that... He makes quite a lot of money and a few months ago he bought a summer home... I don't argue with him, we have never fallen out, etc...

I am just at a loss at this point... As I said before, I have very little savings and my student loans entered repayment last month, $600 a month... I have only enough cash for a few months of that.

Thank you.

You will have to make a new loan for a car or something that can get you around.

Can't you ask your sister for the car?

#41 Edited by Xeno_ghost (683 posts) -

@korvus: I guess the way your dad treated turned you into one tough cookie?

#42 Posted by Korvus (3920 posts) -

@xeno_ghost: In a way...I feel like I have a better understanding of life and more sympathy for people who are hurting. Also, every time something goes wrong with my life I can tell myself "I've made it through worse" and the burden gets immediately lessened by half. On the other side of the coin, though, I'm slow to trust and a bit paranoid about other people sometimes, and betrayals/emotional abuse from within my trusted circle hurt that much more and take longer to heal. On well, balance in all things, right?

#43 Posted by deeliman (2444 posts) -

@korvus That sucks to hear man, especially since you're such a nice guy. On the other hand, your story made me appreciate my parents that much more, they have always supported everything I do. At least you have a loving wife now ^^

#44 Posted by Korvus (3920 posts) -

@deeliman: Thank you. She's wonderful and my past helps me appreciate her that much more.

It's good that I'm able to offer people some perspective about their life and their parents...I meant to do it for the TC but I'm happy to be able to do it for others as well.

#45 Posted by Treflis (11573 posts) -

Maybe he's saving up money so you can get an exoskeleton suit.

#46 Edited by Xeno_ghost (683 posts) -

@korvus: "On the other side of the coin, though, I'm slow to trust and a bit paranoid about other people sometimes"

It's good not to trust people easily, trust is something that is earned, it takes a long time to earn trust but it can be broken in a split second.

#47 Posted by Xeno_ghost (683 posts) -

@always_explicit: thegerg not only lacks basic comprehension but also lacks empathy. A truly flawed individual.

#48 Posted by thegerg (15452 posts) -

@PSP107: People like you suck. The man had cancer, doctors saved his life, he fought after hard fight to be at it, and the first thing that comes to your mind is to sue someone?

#49 Edited by thegerg (15452 posts) -

@always_explicit: I understand that it may be hard to hear, but unless he asks his dad he won't get the answer. He can either ask his dad, learn to be content without knowing, or hide from the issue in some way.

#50 Posted by evildead6789 (7882 posts) -

@xeno_ghost said:

@always_explicit: thegerg not only lacks basic comprehension but also lacks empathy. A truly flawed individual.

yeah people with no respect for the disabled, nothing worse