Greetings gamers. We at Nintendo have realized the folly of our ways. How silly we were to try to expand to people like seniors and kids with fun, simple accessable games like Wii Sports and New Super Mario Bros. Wii when we should've been listening to the hardcore gamers on the gaming forums all along. As they are right about everything all the time.
So you'll be happy to know we're totally dropping support of the WiiU and 3DS and rolling out a new all in one console based on everything we heard on the gaming forums, because you hardcore gamers are always right. It's always about who has the prettiest graphics and which multimedia device can run gray/brown FPSes at 1080p so we can get the most arm hair and AI fish physics.
Introducing the Nintendo Xgamestation Box. Everyone said that WiiU sounded too confusing so we focus tested American males ages 15-35 and along with loving Mountain Dew, Doritos, and Taco Bell, they were drawn to names with the letter X in it. As Bender the Robot from Futurama stated "X makes it sound cool."
The Nintendo Xgamestation Box has the same graphical capabilities as the PS4 and Xbox One as well as it runs everything in 1080p because we know that it doesn't matter how good the game is, but if it runs in "true HD" after all you need pretty HD visuals to cover up the fact you're playing the same generic FPS you played last gen. Don't worry we got rid of that stupid gamepad and any hint of motion controls. All Nintendo Xgamestation Boxes come with the WiiU Pro Controller, so if you have a WiiU gamepad, sorry, time to toss it out.
But you say you want an online network as good as Xbox Live? Well request granted. Nintendo Live will be the ultimate online experience. Every person you meet online will automatically be added to your friend list whether you wanted them or not. Also, don't worry about restrictions. We won't ban anyone for bad language no matter how awful it is. Freedom of speech right? Now you can finally enjoy the next Smash Bros, as you would a CoD game on Xbox Live, by that we mean listening to abnoxious 13 year olds making homophobic slurs because that's what "hardcore" gaming is all about. Now of course in order to make this a great experience, we will also have to charge a yearly fee but hey, you're used to that with Xbox Live and Sony's doing it now too so what's one more online subscription fee? Don't worry we'll offer free games each month to download and by "free" we mean, you'll be able to play them so long as you have the subscription, but you guys love downloading cheap games you never play after all. I mean look at all those Steam sale games you downloaded and never touched.
We have also heard the forums complain about our "cartoony" games like Mario and Zelda and how we need to stop making kids games. Kids are stupid after all. Why does anyone want to make things that kids enjoy? We can't understand why Disney wastes money making animated movies when they could make bloody, gory R rated movies that would be so much more enjoyable. Everyone knows the only good games are M rated ones anyway like Fifty Cent Bulletproof and Kane and Lynch. So coming exclusively to the Nintendo Xgamestation Box, we're plan to revamp our classic series to make them more "adult." First up is Mario Blood World, a dark revamp of the Mario universe where Bowser has taken over the Mushroom Kingdom and it's been embroiled in a dark war for many years and Mario, now a muscle bound, gun toting warrior leads his group of rebels against the Legion of Bowser. It's a first person shooter where you gun down koopas and goombas. It's full of blood, Mario swears and we even have a hidden Easter Egg where Mario and the Princess have sex. Also remember that tech demo of Zelda U way back? Well we decided to use that and make Link more realistic and bloody. Now you'll be able to slice off heads of Bokoblins and rip out the hearts of Octorocks. Also we're going to make our first console main Pokémon game. Pokémon Blood Red. Also in a dark distopic future, Pokémon trainers battle to the death with Pokémon. Meaning when your Pokémon loses in battle, its' dead and gone forever but not before watching it's bloody, beaten corpse take its last breath of air. Finally since fans for so long say that Nintendo games needs more story driven cutscenes we are making a follow up to Metroid Other M however instead of Team Ninja desiging it, we've hired David Cage creator of such "innovative" games like Heavy Rain and Beyond 2 Souls. Now that the Xgamestation Box has the same hardware specs as the competition, Mr. Cage was happy to have so many emotional polygons to work with so this new Metroid Adventure will be made up of cutscenes and quick time events and Samus, won't be exploring an alien world, rather dealing with the emotional turmoil of her relationship with Adam.
Oh and yes, we are working on a new IP geared squarely at hardcore gamers. Sure we had plenty of new IPs like Wii Sports, Nintendogs, Rhythm Heaven, Dillion's Rolling Western even Wonderful 101 but no we realized what you meant by "New Nintendo IP" introducing Call of Battlefield: Duty of Warfare, the first true Nintendo M rated FPS. You play as rouge American troops in the not too distant future fighting off Russia only to find out that they were actually aliens in disguise and then have to travel to their alien ship. Actually the single player mode is only 2 hours long and it's all about online mode which is pretty bare bones to start but don't worry, you can get better weapons through paid DLC.
Finally we've decided that EA and Microsoft are totally correct in their business ideas. I mean why try to make good games with solid gameplay for less money, when you can dump all your money into high end visuals and Hollywood Actors? Sure you won't make back your production costs but that's what microtransactions and DLC are for. We decided that for the new Smash Bros. to embrace Microsoft's approach with Killer Instrinct and make it a free to play game. Mario will be available for everyone but you'll have to pay $5 a piece of unlock the entire roster. Oddly enough when we mentioned this, EA suddenly all on board with supporting us again. Strange isn't it?
As for the 3DS, well as the internet has stated, handheld gaming is apparently dead because everyone just uses smartphones and tablets so why should we waste time making handheld gaming devices? Sure the 3DS is selling very well but we need to put all our money into the Nintendo Xgamestation box to appease the hardcore gamers after all. Of course the high cost of making such a device for such a specific demographic may lead to us having to enforce some sort of DRM restriction in the future but we'll wait until we get a decent install base before doing that.
Once again, we at Nintendo thank the hardcore gaming forum community for showing us the error of our ways.
*and scene* Hope everyone got the joke here.
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