Rich Gallup Associate Producer, GameSpot Live

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Swing Batta Batta Batta Batta, Sa-wing Batta

Here in San Francisco, the winter seemed to be composed of three days of rain, and now we're moving right along to spring. As a native New Englander, spring means two things to me--beware of mud, and this year, my friend, is the year of the Red Sox. And what better way can a gamer get ready for Pedro, Nomar, Manny, and the new kids on the block, Curt and Keith, than by spending some quality time with the likes of ESPN Major League Baseball or some MVP Baseball 2004? How else should I prepare for this destiny-laced season but by playing all 162 games of it before opening day on April 4?

Can I dance...now?

As promising as those games and others look, and as excited as I am for the upcoming baseball season, I more than likely will not be purchasing any new baseball titles this year. I didn't buy any baseball games last year, nor did I buy any baseball games the year before that. This drought dates all the way back to the early days of your High Heats and Triple Plays. I may be a card-carrying member of the Red Sox nation, but there are no virtual Nomars or Pedros in my gaming collection. I while away hours a day on the Internet scouring box scores for my fantasy teams, but I spend no time on my couch beaning cyber-Jeters and pixilated Posadas.

Why would I avoid what promises to be countless hours of entertainment and a near-infinite number of bruised Yankees? Well, you see, the problem is...I can't hit. It's like sixth grade little league all over again. There comes a time when the talent of the pitching you face exceeds your batting skills, and video games crossed that line for me soon after Ken Griffey Jr.'s Slugfest. (For you next-gen kids with your short-term memories and your baggy jeans and your rap videos, that's the Nintendo 64 version of Slugfest, not the current Midway series.) And although my youthful home run stroke saw a resurgence in the bush leagues known as company softball, I have yet to hear of an impending release of Sammy Sosa's Softball Slam MMIV to save my virtual game.

Because pinstripes are dumb.

As a youngster, I was taught to see the ball hit the bat, to watch that spinning horsehide all the way into my swing. Classic games like RBI Baseball and Bases Loaded allowed me ample time and had large-enough graphics to make hitting simple. Here comes the ball, wait for it, hit the button, and...base knock. These days, attention to realism has whittled the size of the baseball down from its beach ball shape of yesteryear to a properly scaled pea. Pitch speed has increased from the nonchalant three-seconds-to-the-plate float of a Bruce Hurst curve to Randy Johnson's dove-killing laser of half a second for the same simulated 60 feet and six inches. These days, any hope of hitting a ball is no longer about seeing the ball into your bat, but a matter of guess-and-check timing. After a few innings (or games) of practice, you learn how long to hold off on your swing. Through trial and error, you eventually know to wait the beat and a half or so after the ball leaves the pitcher's hand before swinging away.

Perhaps this is how it's done in the majors; I cannot say. You hope for the curveball, you swing approximately where you hope the ball will curve to, and if you guess right...base knock. Maybe that's why Tim Wakefield's poster was on my wall back in New Hampshire, his knuckleball hauntingly unguessable even for the pros. Until proven otherwise, I will assume that today's baseball game developers have achieved such accurate simulations of the real thing that their titles truly depict the speculation and lack of fun presented in the batter's box to the Muellers and Nixons of the world. Any big leaguers out there who can tell me how it's done, or would like to confirm that Tim Wakefield is in fact the man, write to me at rich@gamespot.com.

Maybe there's a set of enjoyable gameplay rules I have missed or a magical camera angle that can fix everything, but such things remain undiscovered in my simple pick-up-and-play sessions with friends. It's comforting to see that today's baseball games have expanded to include several options for the baseball fanatic who can't cut it on the field. Virtual general manager careers and dynasty modes mimic the career paths of many a major league wannabe on their progression from high school team manager to powerful executive. But signing Vladimir Guerrero doesn't give you his vision at the plate, and until hitting can be fun without cartoony players and baseballs trailing fire, baseball games for this diehard fan are stuck on the bench.