Peter Molyneux, with just $60 you have successfully been able to insult me in every imaginable way.
User Rating: 3 | Fable III X360
Never have I been this insulted. Not even Duke Nukem insulted me this much. Think about it like being asked to the dance by the hottest person in school only to find out that at the last minute they call you and say 'Oh I can't go but here's my fat friend, why don't you go with them?' but replace the hot person with a good game and the fat one with Fable 3. The promise of revolution, moral choices and fun are nothing more than promises. The first insult was the story. The game starts off right after you wake up from a good f**king with your dog, and you awake surprised it seems to see a miserable kingdom ruled by non other than your brother. I guess a side effect of dog dicking is amnesia. So, now you are forced by you apparent girlfriend (or boyfriend if your one of those guys who likes to play a chick to get a 24/7 view of ass, but then why aren't you playing Tome Raider instead?) who starts immediately bi*ching to you about your brother. After that you go and get into a little play fight with your mentor (or whatever you want to call him) Walter. After all this you get thrown into the 'revolution' aspect of the game were your brother decides he is going to kill someone. You have to pick between either a group of protesters or your **** girlfriend. To be honest, I would have killed her before but I guess the 'freedom' I was promised wasn't as much as I hoped for. So, after killing her, your character decides he needs to lead a revolution. So, you set off on your journey, aided only by Sir Walter and your furry little sex doll 'erm' dog. It seems that your brother has this big army that has been oppressing the people and you need to make allies to counter them (and I can understand the need for having a lot of allies, your brothers army is completely invisible! You can wonder through the whole world and not see one, the stealthy bastards). So, your adventure begins with going to do a fetch quest for a midget who also doubles as the biggest homosexual in the game in order to gain his trust so you can use his malnourished army to fight the invisible super troopers you brother has). Then, you move onto the next guy, you do a fetch quest for him and gain his trust. Oh ya, I forgot to mention for every guy you make an alliance with you give him a promise that you will help them once your king. So after making a dozen promises and gaining enough troops to take down the United Nations you finally get to confront your big bro. After a bland battle you finally storm the castle (not to mention you learn that your brothers troops aren't invisible but actually theirs just about 15 of them), you learn that your bro isn't such a dick after all. Actually, in exactly one year, a group of monsters are going to pop out of the shadows and go 'a-boogie-boogie-boogie' and scare everyone to death and your brother was just trying to gain enough money to make an army strong enough to kill the scary monsters before they can go 'a-boogie-boogie-boogie' to everyone in the kingdom. So, your brother was actually the good guy. But now, he's pissed so he tells you 'Fine, you want to be king so bad? Here's the crown, bi*ch Good luck one year from now'. So, you can do one of 3 things. You can break your promises and get enough money to save everyone, you can keep your promises and everyone dies. It's really more of the republican vs. democrat debate. The last choice, however, is also the 'smart' choice (smart is a term I use loosely) were you put in your own money. So, what you do is play lute for 15 minutes, get enough money to buy some houses and jack up the rent. Then leave your Xbox on and go to bed because fortunately (or fortunately depending on who you ask) your tenants live in an alternate universe were a year can go buy in the Fable world but only 4 minutes go buy in yours and they don't have to pay you a dime. So, after leaving you system on overnight you can go and put in all 6 million gold in your kingdoms savings account. Then your going to sleep for a few days and your timer will go from 364 to 300 to 240 to 180 and finally to 0 days (yes, you randomly skip half a year without warning and go finally to the final battle where you are autosaved). So, now you fight the big bad 'a-boogie-boogie-boogie' monsters and succeed with no problem (although Walter dies, good riddance). Now you get the good ending (which is also the same as the ending you would get from letting everyone die by keeping your promises). So, what I don't get is this. Why don't you as the king tell everyone that in one year the kingdom is going to be attacked and until then you have to work your hardest to prepare but after that everything will change and we can all be happy! But, once again, no. The freedom doesn't stretch far enough to make since.
The combat is shallow, to say the least. Spam magic, you win. Something that has been made all the more simple since Fable 1. But, the worst is that they lied to me. They really had me thinking this was going to be the greatest in the series. At least with Duke I walked in knowing this wasn't going to be a good game but here they just **** slapped me with false hopes and shallow gameplay. All in all, Fable, you are complete trash and I would throw you in a dumpster but I'm afraid that your stench would attract crime scene investigators.
