We Play: Oil Platform Simulator

We take a break from waging wars in first-person shooters and do some real work; we drill for black gold with a multinational oil corporation.

You think saving the world from gun-toting international terrorists is hard work? Try being an oil tycoon for a day. You can't drill for all that beautiful black sludge by just hiding in a bush like a coward for 10 minutes. No, you've got to get those damn boats over to some sufficiently friendly oil-rich country, and then you've got to build those son-of-a-gun platforms. And if you think loading one of those onto a transporter, getting it out to sea, craning it off, and positioning it is a piece of your grandmother's Victoria sponge cake, then think again.

When those platforms have been assembled, you've got to get that black gold out of the sea bed. Getting a drill bit down into the ground is one hell of a thrill, but it's a precise procedure that spray-'n-pray types could never understand. And if that weren't tough enough, once the ground has been drilled, you need to suck up the oil like a delicious fossil-fuel milkshake. It's not easy to make sure the red and orange indicators align on the gauge.

Having collected all that precious goo, you've got to get it back to shore for refining. All the boats in our fleet have astonishing three-speed capabilities. They offer snail, tortoise, and sloth settings, as well as facilitate a leisurely ride back to harbor. We like to take this time to admire the sights and drink champagne while a plethora of dead sea creatures float to the surface. Apparently, they don't like the drilling.

In this line of work, things go wrong. And we don't mean getting upset because someone spawn camped you or any of that nonsense. Real stress occurs when your oil platform goes down. Precious minutes tick by without any drilling and precious potential revenue slips away with every lost second. In these situations, you've just got to get those replacement parts shipped in and make those repairs pronto.

You can keep your Unexplored 3s and your Call of Honors. A modern military gun game might make you handy with a headshot, but only Oil Platform Simulator will train you as a future captain of industry. Your oil barony awaits! Frontline first-person shooter grunts need not apply.

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7 comments
the_best_sarek
the_best_sarek

I had to check to make sure we weren't on April 1st...

josephtdavey
josephtdavey

"A contender for Game of the Year" - Gamespot "Even better than last year's Street Cleaning Simulator..." -IGN "OIL take this over Call of Duty any day..." -Joystiq I can see it now.

blahblahblah999
blahblahblah999

definitely going to give street cleaning sim a run for its money

_Matt_
_Matt_

That looks.... amazing-......ly boring!