first impressions, which might actually also be the last
Seven years ago I decided to go back. Bought a psone. Two months later, after getting the sweet taste of gaming once more, I decided to trade it in and get a ps2. My first thought, though, was "Where is sega?" So I read about the dreamcast's ultimate demise and discovered that I never had to play another crappy game again, because of the websites dedicated to reviewing them. No more scavenging the newsstands in search of a consensus after checking each and every game magazine for the reviewers opinions. When I read the first review of a sega game for the ps2, though, it was clear that sega wasn't the same. The old sega, with the logo and the voiceover, was gone, according to the sites. I couldn't believe, but ended up accepting; the games I was buying after reading positive reviews were spot on. So I forgot about sega. I didn't play any of their new games, until now.
Well, in my defense, since last year, I decided to stop paying so much attention to the reviews and pay more attention to my personal taste, so I don't end up with a game like gta IV, which everybody loves but doesn't really hook me up (I stopped playing it after 10 hours and never went back). I accepted that my taste was different and that I had to play the game before I could really agree with a review, whether it was a good or bad one. I had played games that were poorly reviewed, like afro samurai and saw, and loved them. I love comic books and loved ultimate alliance 2. I thought I could dismiss reviews altogether after a while.
BIG MISTAKE.
I got iron man 2. A sega game. Everybody that worked in that game was laid off before the release. It was a movie tie in. Iron man, the first, sucked, big time. It was a sega game. There were so many signals I ignored I should never drive again, for risk of causing an accident like the train wreck that iron man 2 is.
If only I had read the review…
And, like the rat that never ceases to try to get the food even though it gets shocked every time, I bought another sega game: Alpha protocol.
In case you are in doubt, it sucks. Looks horrible. Tries to emulate formula from mass effect 2, then throws in a little metal gear. Then they wake the Frankenstein.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be unfair, but I feel I should be a little, since the game has no concern whatsoever with my mental sanity and is, by all means, unfair. Cheap, in plain English. Obsidian seems to have decided it was time a game showed how complex being a spy is. So, if a spy points the gun at the bad guy's head, and then shoots, it should deplete like 25% of its health. Should you decide to shoot again, say, his arm, the health bar might deplete completely, or not move at all. Should you shoot another guy's head, he might die right away. That's how complex a spy's life is: playing with the odds, apparently.
So much that , when attempting to hack something, you will go crazy, curse the developer, god and what not, but it will be useless: you failed it yet again. The minigames are so difficult that you will curse just from seeing a %$@ computer. The bypass minigame is an excruciating exercise in futility. The developers will say you can ignore them completely, but you will not ignore them, friend, and you really can't. And guess what: they get harder. I thought: obviously there is a grid where I can upgrade my hacking expertise, a la mass effect, making this minigames easier. And, surprise surprise, there is not. And there is more: as you progress, they actually get harder. I cannot stress this enough: THEY-GET-HARDER.
So let's say you bought this game and are going to start playing it now. You see the animations and think to yourself "the game doesn't look too good, but it must make up in gameplay"… then you start playing and you get to the first bypass "Oh, I've seen this before, it is a lot of fun", and you try to get it right, but it takes 4 or 5 tries, it is not the same circuit, it keeps changing etc. Ok. Let's move on. Shoot this one with a dart, he falls, shoot the other one, he needed a little more, the other one a lot more, "Ok, I'm getting the hang of this, if they see me I must break the alarm's circuit so they stop shooting me"… you open another door, and another, then you get a computer to hack "ooookay, this one must be easier, let's take a look. The tutorial isn't much help, I can't understand sh**t. Well, let's give it a try… what… what am I supposed to do… wait, I think I got it… no. Hum, can I see the tutorial again? Nope. Well it ain't helping anyway… okay, I think I got it now… wait, nope, that's not it. Let's try it again. What are these numbers, and this bar? Why is it so difficult to move this cursor? Ok, I got it, now I know what to do. The password is the one not moving. It changes in case you take too long. And you have to find the two of them before the time runs out. But… there is no time! Wait, it's my first time, I'm sure it will get easier. Why is it so difficult to move the cursor around? Shouldn't it move faster? After all, the time IS running out. Come on. Come on!"… Eventually you get it right, out of luck, move on to the next room and start talking to your very first NPC. Then you get to choose, JUST LIKE MASS EFFECT, between an aggressive answer, a soft one and a professional (neutral) one. The dialogue is kinda dull, sure, but it's ok, obisidian said it will affect how NPCs react to you, and you will get right away a few abilities off the conversations. Cool. New mechanic. Just say what the NPC wants to hear. How do I now what he wants to hear? Read a couple of dossiers. I'm sure spies LOOOVE reading dossiers. They are so interesting. So if it says in the dossier that he likes man of action, act. If he likes goofy ones, make a few jokes. If she likes it rough, give it to her. Only the suave, professional and aggressive responses don't really play out the way you imagined it would be. Sometimes, a suave answer is quite the opposite. And giving only aggressive answer to a NPC that likes you to take action doesn't guarantee you will get points. There is the right moment to give the right type of answer. Or give no answer at all. And I didn't figure it out yet, since the dialogues are pretty generic, but I'm sure there must be a system somewhere. Although it seems we are back to playing with the odds?
Yeah. Apparently, a spy only stays alive out of sheer luck.
Let's say that, after all that, you get some kicks out of choking the bad guys stealthily, you forget all about the terrible moments the game's put you through…
Well, wake up and smell the sh**t! The game sucks. It could have been great but just sucks! I wish sega would go back to being the weaver of wonderful moments, like it was in my teenage years, and not this mess which mistakes spying for playing poker. Shame on you, Obisidian! Shame on you sega!
And you know what the best part is? I get to listen to the voiceover and see the logo whenever I start the game. Reckon I won't hear it very often anymore.